9 funniest recent news items

 

Comics no longer need to twist the facts, the news is already weird

THE SPEECH-ORGANIZER on the phone was anxious. “Our venue is a LONG way from the city, and it’s REALLY important that you turn up on time,” she said.

I replied: “I won’t be late. I drive a Toyota. Extra acceleration and no brakes.”

I meant it as a joke but OF COURSE she took it completely seriously. She said, “Oh good,” and put the phone down. Honestly, I think most people who try to be funny do so purely for themselves 99 per cent of the time. Why do we bother?
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It struck me that perhaps the average person no longer detects jokes because the real news is so bizarre these days that it’s already funny-ha-ha or funny-strange when it arrives in your lap in the newspaper. I’ll prove it.
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Here are the nine oddest real news items of recent days.
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1) After finding contaminated heroin, police in UK, Germany and France warned addicts that the stuff was “very harmful and potentially lethal”. Okay. So, let’s get this absolutely clear. The latest batch of heroin may harm or kill you. Just like all previous batches.
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2) In a new tape, terrorist leader Osama bin Laden claimed responsibility for the airline incident in which a bungling would-be bomber succeeded only in setting fire to his own genitalia. Osama, you need an image consultant FAST. We used to think you were smart.
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3) The finance chief of Macau was sacked after she and her colleagues gave themselves extra pay for being on a committee they claimed met hundreds of times a year, up to eight times a day. Pity she didn’t work for a multinational—eight meetings a day is about normal.
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4) A golfer named Jesper Parnevik sent an apology to Elin Nordegren for introducing her to Tiger Woods. Er, Jesper, she’s just heard that her divorce pay off will be hundreds of millions of US dollars. The droplets on her cheeks are tears of joy.
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5) Law schools across America are reporting that firms have stopped snapping up newly graduated lawyers. I told you this recession was good news.
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6) Astronomers have found a planet similar to Earth, but with a dense, hazy atmosphere which would prevent much light reaching the surface. I’d like to suggest a name for the new planet: Downtown Beijing.
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7) Honolulu Police officers are uploading embarrassing pictures of drunk drivers on to the internet, hoping to shock them into good behavior. These cops don’t know much about human nature. Guys, have you ever heard of Facebook?
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8) Having collected his Nobel peace prize, Barack Obama says he will donate the cash part to a “non-profit organization”. Hey, Barack, check out the business pages. Practically ALL companies are non-profit organizations these days. No choice.
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9) Sarah Palin was spotted using notes scribbled on her hand at a meeting at which she was paid US$100,000 to speak. If you offer her $200,000, she’ll read parts two and three, which are written on her forearm and left knee.
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But I must admit, the past 12 months has been odder than average. Be honest, who would have thought in January 2009, that you were just about to have a much, much better year than Michael Jackson or Tiger Woods?
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Technorati Tags: news,toyota,elin,tiger woods,Obama,Palin,jokes,humor,Jesper,Macau

Comments

[Karuna]

Today's News headline, New Delhi.
Claims of terror groups rejected.
- The Indian police have dismissed claims of 2 groups claiming responsibility for the blast in Pune last week.

** Funny, that Indian police have suddenly developed intelligence to reject the claim. While, they never had prior intelligence before the blasts.

** May be next time, the terror groups need to submit their claims in triplicate to the peon at our Prime Minister's office, who will then form a parliamentary committee to look into this. And maybe, they will meet for more than 8 times a day and collect their allowances.

[sej]

How about a Tweeting Tree??

http://www.smh.com.au/technology/sci-tech/tree-logs-on-to-twitter-20100217-ocqe.html?rand=1266450949145

Which apparently has "moods"..??

[Samson]

Did you see Nury that they have relaunched lai see today?

laisee was the column that made Nury famous in the 1980s and 1990s. It was in the South China Morning Post.

It was faxed around the world long before there was email and stuff. Nury was famously canned at the time of the handover of hong kong to china in 1997, widely seen as an act of craven cowardice by the newspapers editor.

Since he disappeared the column dropped from being one of the most read items in the HK press to being entirely forgotten.

What do you think of the new girl? She seems slightly better then the previous one whose name i have already forgotten. But the column is still a bit weak. you;d think that for the start of a new column she would have stronger material. Be interested to hear your opinion.

[Julie]

The news is nuts. But it's mostly about people, so you've got to expect that.

And I fear you may be right about most people cracking jokes for their own amusement, but at least that way you can make one person happy.

[Ellen]

I think this must be the sixth or seventh time they have tried to revive lai see. the new girl is certainly much better than the previous one whose name i have forgotten already. to be funny and topical every day is actually quite difficult, no one seems to realize. (Until you start blogging, and THEN you realize.)
I was going to link to laisee so that people could see where nuri started his daily col 20 something years ago but I have just discovered you have to PAY to read it on the internet! Ouch

[Nury]

In my opinion, it is a smart move to put Luisa Tam in that spot. I've met her several times, and she is a highly intelligent, high-energy person.

The previous guy, Ben Kwok, was a nice person, but he was not funny. Also he was too nice to actually have a dig at anyone -- what's the point of having a column which upsets no one?

[Denis]

I agree that the new girl is better than the previous guy but then again it would be hard to be worse.

[Sara L.]

I can't understand why the SCM Post generally has so many poor quality columnists, when it is clearly a big budget newspaper. and can afford to buy in articles from around the world. But the Standard, which looks like it is run on a shoestring, consistently has better columns. "Central Station" is a good gossip column, Mary Ma annoys me but is probably a good column for pro-Beijing, pro-business people to read, and of course our own Mr Jam is totally addictive.
It's hard not to believe the rumour that the SCM Post deliberately goes for blandness, ditching world-class people like Lily Wong, Mr Jam and Willy Lam and replacing them with people who are eminently forgettable.

[Anon]

If memory serves me right Luisa Tam used to work for Apple Daily's Next magazine so she has a good background in stirring things up. Hopefully she will do a good job.