3 problems that fix themselves

 
Thoughts on taboo subjects

SOME PEOPLE HAVE a negative attitude towards suicide bombers, considering them to be unproductive members of society. It’s a fair point, and I must admit, I’d be reluctant to invite one to dinner, unless I was REALLY desperate.

I once had a former boss (a newspaper editor) to dinner, and had trouble finding other guests grotesquely evil enough to match him. A suicide bomber or mass murderer would have been perfect, but there is a curious shortage of them in my social circles. I really must get out more.
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But there’s one recent trend in suicide bombing circles that one HAS to applaud. There have been at least SIX recent cases where suicide bombers succeeded in blowing up only themselves. In one case in Iraq, the bomber did not even slightly wound anyone else or blow up any buildings. He simply blasted himself out of existence.

Bravo! How can we encourage this type of behavior? Can we not give him some sort of award which encourages others to follow suit?
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(Flag-burner fails to make his point.)
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At the bar last night, I asked people to identify other self-fixing problems. My mentor/bartender offered the example of the hunger strike on Death Row in the US jail system a few years ago. “That was a problem that would eventually have solved itself, and saved a pile of taxpayer’s money,” he said.

A drinker of a highly conservative bent said that the existence of smokers and drug addicts would qualify if he was in charge.

“Why on earth do they put warnings on cigarette packets and try to help junkies?” he said. Instead, he said, society should remove all the warnings and make illegal drugs so strong that they would be instantly fatal. “Wham-bam, the tobacco and drug addicts would wipe themselves out,” he spluttered.

His intolerance for substance abusers was rather undermined by the fact that he was on his seventh drink, so I reminded him that alcohol was classified as an illegal drug in many societies.

Undeterred, he went on to make an even more obnoxious suggestion. “Gay people are a problem which will solve itself. They can’t have babies so they will all die out. What will they do then?” he asked. I pointed out that crusty miserable old conservatives had been wrongly predicting the same thing since the days of the ancient Greeks, two and half millennia ago.
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The most intelligent comment came from a Perrier-drinker female at the bar. “The biggest problem that will solve itself is the presence of the most pestilent species on this planet: the human race,” she said.

She turned out to be a supporter of the Voluntary Human Extinction Society. Run by a guy called Les U. Knight, this group aims to encourage humans to stop having babies because Earth would be a much nicer place without people.

As soon as humanity vanishes, all the horrors of modern existence, including wars, bombs, torture, crime, High School Musical, Hello Kitty and so on simply vanish.

It all sounds brilliant. Yet there’s got to be something wrong with this argument. I’m just not sure what it is.
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Incidentally, if any suicide bombers are reading this, we recommend you take your gear to a remote location for a test run. Bye!

Technorati Tags: terrorist,suicide bombers,self-destruction,voluntary extinction,Les U Knight

Comments

[Nile]

Ha Ha I like the idea of earth without human race. It would surely be a nicer place. About the self-fixing problem of suicide bombers we can start a negotiation with them. Our part would be advocacy to legalize suicide bombing only if they do a full test run in a remote location as their final exam of the training ;).
Hope that'll fix it.

[suicide bomber]

Dear Mr Jam,

I am a suicide bomber and saw your suggestion that I should test my equipment at a remote location.

You don't fool me! This is a trick.

You are simply trying to get us out of the way so that you can put your own people in there and get the glory yourself.

This makes me so mad that i am hopping up and down with fury and

oops I just dislodged something and equipment has started ticking.

I better sign off.

See you.

Or perhaps not.

[q and a]

Q: what's the pay like for suicide bombers?

A: No cash in hand. But you do get a promise of virgins later.

Q: career prospects?

A: Not so good.

Q: Any nice perks?

A: You get in the newspapers.

Q: It doesn't sound that great to me. What about holidays etc?

A: A permanent vacation in heaven follows your first assignment.

[fardel]

Those are the same promises made to people who invest in "retirement savings"
1) no cash in hand , but a promise to a better time ( if you can make it there)
2) career prospect : very good : you will have to stop working to collect your money
3) You will get in the newspaper as being scr.......d by the financial crisis
4) You will be rewarded by a permanent vacation called
RIP
Rest in peace

The human race IS on its way to extinction by:
1) lighting up a cigarette ; the smoke kills
2) starting your car; the fumes kill
3) Starting a H1N1 scare to sell vaccines which kills
4) promoting homesexuality (no more procreation)
5) allowing narcotics to be traded
6) putting civil servants to work ( suicide rate among them has increased in France )
7) adding all kinds of chemicals in food to give it a better taste like in milk or so-called energetic drinks
8) replacing wet markets with natural foods by supermarkets with tainted food
9) forcing humanity to exercise less by using all kinds of technological devices like remote control or MRT ( elsewhere called MTR)

[Virgin]

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this January from 72 to only 60.

The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.

General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."

Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management.

"Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics.

"How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.


Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday.

Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working.

However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Spokespersons in the North East of England , Swindon, North Kent and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like they're not so keen on going to paradise.

(Forwarded by Rika)

[C. Hawk]

NAMBLA-ST **Press Release**

It has come to the attention of the North American Man/Boy Love Association - Suicide Team management committee that martyrs are promised "72 virgins and 28 young pre-pubescent boys" package, and that the latter gift is often ignored.

We would like to offer our services in return for a better compensation package. We are willing to trade for the virgins for your boys.

Please address all inquiries to the undersigned.

Attention: Mr. C. Hawk
Chief, Operations Division
NAMBLA-ST

[Vaibhav]

Rika - you're shaming the US by claiming there are virgins there. this would only send them into an overdrive of pre-pubescent sexual activities.

TO all - do check out Jeff Dunham on youtube search for Achmed
or you could
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go

[Rika]

I wish I would have been able to come up with a story like this, but I got it forwarded myself.

One just has to love the internet!
:o))

[Uli]

Achmed the Dead Terrorist has got me into even more convulsions than Virgin's (forwarded by Rika of course...!) comments ROTFDOL (i. e. rolling on the floor dying of laughter)