10 best Christian jokes

 
A faith founded by a guy who loved teasing the elite has to be funny

QUESTION: How do groups of angels greet each other? Answer: Halo, halo, halo.

Christians and Jews have a well-developed comedy sub-culture. Not only are there Judeo-Christian comedians, but many pastors and rabbis build humor into their regular talks – not to mention the signboards outside their buildings.

Readers have been working with this columnist this week to fight the lie that Asians are humorless. We’ve compiled funny but non-offensive jokes from many Asian communities, including Muslim, Buddhist and Hindu.

Since the number of Christians in Asia (250 million and rising) will shortly overtake the number in Western Europe (280 million and falling), here are some gems from Asian Christians:

1) A young woman confessed to her priest that she was guilty of the sin of pride: “I look in the mirror and think of myself as beautiful.” The priest said, "That's not a sin, that's a mistake."

2) Q: How can you tell if someone is half-Catholic and half-Jewish? A: He never misses confession but always takes his lawyer.

3) Christian Doctor: “Your recovery was a miracle!” Christian Patient: “Thank God! Now I don't have to pay you.”

4) A pastor says to a man about to be baptized: "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?" 

The man replies: “Yes. My wife made sandwiches and a cake."

The pastor says: "I am talking about the condition of your spirit.”

The man says: “Oh, that. I have two bottles of vodka and some scotch.”
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Christianity’s founder was a witty iconoclast who was constantly teasing both the religious authorities and his disciples, so joking has a long tradition in that faith.

Today, priests even tell jokes about priests, like this one:

A priest is on a subway train. A man opposite lowers his newspaper to reveal himself to be a hard-living man who smells of alcohol, has lipstick on his collar and is wearing rumpled clothes in which he has clearly been out all night.

With pain in his eyes, the man asks the priest: “Father, what causes dyspepsia, gout and cirrhosis?”

The priest replies: “My son, they are caused by a wild lifestyle, gluttony, alcohol abuse, and the company of wicked women.”

The man says: “Amazing.”

The priest says: “Would you like to be free of these ailments?”

The man replies: “I don’t have them. The newspaper says the Pope has.”
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But my favourite Christian joke is a modern one. 

A man was beaten up by robbers on the road. He lay on the side of the road, half dead.

A humanist came along, saw him and passed by on the other side.

A Samaritan came by and also crossed to the other side.

Finally, a modern Christian came along, looked at the man and said: "Whoever did this to you needs help.”

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Often, the best humor is accidental. It’s almost impossible to take a small child to a church or temple without him saying something to make you crack up, like the child who prayed:

“Dear God, please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.”

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Let’s give the last word in this column series to atheists:

Q: Did you hear about the Dial-a-Prayer service they have for atheists now?

A: You dial the number and it rings and rings but nobody answers.
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Technorati Tags: Christian humor,christian jokes,interfaith humor,religious humor

Comments

[Jason]

I once went to a Halloween party where we had to dress up in religious costume (Catholic school girl, nun, priest, etc...) One sexy school girl had panties under her kilt with WWJD (What would Jesus do?) printed on them.

Or one of my personal favourite jokes:

Q: If an atheist doesn't scream 'Oh God' during sex, what name do they yell?

A: Mine! :->

[Jason]

http://www.skepticaldog.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2007/07/biblenoah.jpg

http://richardathome.files.wordpress.com/2007/07/epicurus-quote.jpg

[Angela]

Saved the best for Friday!

Three catholic nuns got a day off from the convent and went out to explore the city.

Later when they came back,

Sister Agatha washed her hands with the holy water on the fountain.

Sister Bethany gargled with holy water.

Sister Christina sprinted in through the convent gate, hiked up the skirt of her habit and washed her behind.

[Foxlore]

I consider myself half atheist. I think I got this from my mom, who often said, "Sometimes I just can't believe you!" ;-)

This in turn works well with my buddhist half which believes that everything is nothing anyway. So not only do I accept that I don't exist, I don't have to believe myself when I think that. ;-)

Been a great week of reading fun.

Happy Friday folks...whatever you believe :-D

[Jason]

You condensed that joke Angela, but I guess you couldn't tell it in its full measure in the polite company of our readers.

Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of
their car. "Quick sister," screams one nun, "Show him your cross!"
So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Oi! You! Bugger off!"

[Angela]

Father Frank is an old priest who is well known and admired for his devotion to long years of religious works in a very far flung town.

The Vatican sent a reporter to interview him as they wanted to use his story to inspire other young priests.

The journalist arrived and was shown to the famous priest’s receiving area.

Reporter: Father Frank, as the longest serving priest in this far away little town, what would you say is the source of your dedication?

Father Frank: Two things my child. Coffee and Rosary.

Then he leaned back on his chair and yelled towards the kitchen: “Rosary! Please bring in two coffee.”

[Jason]

After a lifetime of hand-copying ancient texts, an elderly monk became abbot of his monastery.

Realizing that for centuries his order had been making copies of copies, he decided to examine some of the monastery's original documents.

Days later, the other monks found him in the cellar, weeping over a crumbling manuscript and moaning, “It says celebrate, not celibate.”

[ngela]

Jason, not after seeing how violently some people object to religious jokes ;-)

*

This one is true story:

At the end of the sermon about Jesus taking up his cross to save us because he loves us, the priest said to the congregation:

“Follow in the example of Jesus and let us embrace our own cross”

To which the man in the front pew turned to his wife and embraced her.

[Fred Chan]

I heard this joke from somewhere:

Four priest are very good friends. They were enjoying a meal together and these are their conversation:

Priest #1
- We have been very good friends for many years. I feel bad for keeping a secret from you all. I wish to confess. I am an alcoholic. I know its bad but I can't help it. I feel better after confessing it.

Priest #2
- Since you started it, I might as well confess my sin. I am addicted to gambling. I am a regular at the casino. I don't like it but I can't stop. Maybe after this I will be able to stop my addiction.

Priest #3
- Its ok. Your sins are not that serious. I am ashamed. I am having an affair with one of my church member whom is married!

All the others try to comfort Priest #3.

Priest #1
- We have made our confession. What is your sin (referring to Priest #4)

Priest #4
- We don't have to go on. Let just stop here.

Priest #2
- Come on. All of us have made our confession. What can be worse than alcoholic, gambling and adultery.

Priest #4
- You wouldn't want to know.

After much persuasion....

Priest #4
- I like to gossip. I always gossip whatever I heard to everyone.

[Jason]

A priest, who was an avid golfer, decided to play hooky one Sunday morning and sneak off to the links alone. St. Peter, looking down, discovered him and immediately reported him to God.

'I can't believe Father McKenzie would skip his sermon.' St. Peter said.

A few minutes later the padre scored a hole-in-one. St. Peter, outraged, complained to God, 'The guy is breaking the Sabbath and instead of punishing him, You reward him with a hole-in-one!?'

God answered, 'Who's he going to tell?'

[TS]

Christian joke:
On the blackboard the atheist wrote: "god is nowhere".
The child read it as: "god is now here".

Atheist joke:
On the blackboard the Christian wrote: "god is now here".
The child read it as: "god is nowhere".

[Joker]

Pessimist:
The world is in terrible shape! Things could not be worse.

Optimist:
Well that's good news for one person anyway: you.

[Lurker]

Man goes to confession:

Man: Father, I found a piece of rope and took it.

Priest: That's not too bad. Just return the rope where you found it.

Man: Return the rope?

Priest: Yes, return the rope.

Man: It's about 5 feet long, old, starting to unravel, a bit muddy, made from abaca...

Priest: No need for details.

Man: (To himself) Oh good, I was gonna tell him there's a cow tied at the end when I found it.

[TS]

A child molester arrives in hell and is greeted by The Devil himself.

Devil: "I have selected three punishments for your evil deeds, you get to choose which one shall be your eternal penalty".

CM: "Three? Why three?".

Devil: "To conform with popular folk tales".

The ground is burning hot and covered in sharp black rocks. The child molester is nude and hops from foot to foot as he walks beside The Devil.

They reach a bowl shaped depression in the ground.
In the middle there is a spit roast, while a demon turn the handle. On the skewer, a man slowly rotates above the searing coals.
When a piece of flesh bubbles up and become crisp, another demon cuts it off with a dull knife and throws the chunk to a pack of Hell Hounds, which tears it to bits in a frenzy while eating. A third demon rubs salt into the fresh wounds.
The screams are unbearable and the child molester looks up at The Devil with tears in his eyes and plead: "No, not this, please".

Devil: "You might change your mind when you see the other punishments, keep an open mind, at least there is a nice smell of bacon around here".

To be continued.... I have to go to work now, stay tuned.

[Allan Dyer]

Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist?
He didn't believe in Dog.

The problem with being an atheist is, if we're right, no-one will ever know; if we're wrong, you'll all laugh at us.

[No one]

That joke above about the nuns and holy water does not fall in the category of funny and inoffensive. It's absolutely tasteless.

[Wisteria Blossom]

Catholic boy to Jewish boy, "Our priest knows more than your rabbi."
"Of course he does. You tell him everything."

[Christy]

In church:

Little girl: Mommy can we leave? I think I'm going to throw up
Mom: Quick, go round the church and throw up in the bushes
(Little girl leaves and come back after 2 minutes)
Mom: Oh back so quickly? Did you throw up?
Little girl: Yes but I didn't go round to the back, I saw a box by the door that says "for the sick" so I threw up there

[fardel]

A mexican caballero enters the church in the middle of a ceremony with his hat on his head.
SSt SSt, Sir, El sombrero por favor, ( your hat , your hat! says an offended parishioner)
sst! el sombrero , por favor says another offended parishioner.
But the proud caballero does not stop, dragging his spurs on the tiles
sst stt el sombrero por favor.
The closer he approaches to the altar the more offended people say ,"el sombrero por favor"
When he reaches the altar and pushes the priest aside.
Sorry , padre! At the general public's request, I shall now sing a song
:El Sombrero !

[Angela]

Hahahaha!!

This one got me rolling on the bed, almost falling off.

Never heard this one before and imagine el caballero!!!

Great one!

But I might sue the joker for causing physical injury.

[fardel]

I would not be surprised if Singapore court condemns me to com and fix the bandages, and attend the sick

[Minkha]

Rabbi and a catholic priest meet at a picnic.

Priest: This roasted ham is so tasty... I really think you should try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I don’t understand why eating such great food can be forbidden. You don’t know how much you miss. You don’t know the taste of life if you have not tasted roasted ham! Come on, when will you finally bring yourself to try it?

Rabbi: On your wedding day.

[fardel]

This is the best joke of the week
__
0(°_°)0

[Kevin]

An atheist walks by a jungle admiring everything that one accident of evolution had come to produce.

Then there is a noise in the bushes that are on his back, a lion is preparing to attack, the atheist trying to flee the animal but it pounces on him bringing the man down.

And with nothing to lose the man shouts "My God!"

And then the miracle happens time stops, everything is bathed in a strange light and a voice gets heard:

"What do you want?" You have denied my existence during your whole life, defended before all others that I do not exist and reduced creation to a cosmic accident."

Fairly confused the man exclaims:

"Now would be hypocritical of me to change my mind because I am about to die. Throughout my life I have denied your existence."

"Then what do you want me to do?"

The atheist reflects a bit knowing that this discussion can not be extended forever. Finally he said:

"I cannot change but the lion sure can. So what I want is that this wild animal becomes a Christian animal!"

In the same instant the light disappears, the birds of the jungle sing again and the river runs again.

The lion gets off the top of the man, pauses, bows his head and says filled with faith:

"Lord Bless the food that we are going to take…"

[Angela]

Wow the jokes Just keep getting better and better.

I may just make an appearance in church tomorrow to collect some new materials from my parish.

Where is TS? Is he purposely working on 24 hrs shift to torture me for waiting for the next installment of hell joke?

[Chamin]

Angela,

> Sister Bethany gargled with holy
> water.

> Sister Christina sprinted in through > the convent gate, hiked up the skirt > of her habit and washed her behind.

In the version that I heard, Sister Bethany was lining up behind Sister Christina, but was pushing her away saying "Let me gargle before you wash your backside" :-p

[Jason]

As I mentioned Chamin, Angela abbreviated her joke ;)

[TS]

The child molester, Adolph arrives in hell and is greeted by The Devil himself.

Devil: "I have selected three punishments for your evil deeds, you get to choose which one shall be your eternal penalty".

Adolph: "Three? Why three?".

Devil: "To conform with the standards of popular folk tales".

The black ground is burning hot and covered in sharp black rocks. Adolph is nude and hops from foot to foot as he walks beside The Devil.

They reach a bowl shaped depression in the ground.
In the middle there is a spit roast, with a demon turning the handle. On the skewer, a man slowly rotates above the searing coals.
When a piece of flesh bubbles up and become crisp, another demon cuts it off with a dull knife and throws the chunk to a pack of Hell Hounds, which tears it to bits in a frenzy while feeding. A third demon rubs salt into the fresh wounds.
As the man rotates the flesh grows back.
The screams are unbearable and Adolph looks up at The Devil with tears in his eyes and plead: "No, not this, please".

Devil: "You might change your mind when you see the other punishments, keep an open mind, at least there is a nice smell of bacon around here".

They continue across the dark plain, the child molester still hopping from foot to trying to keep them off the burning ground. Every time he sets down a foot, he receives fresh cuts from the sharp rocks. His blood flows out on the ground, sizzles for a few seconds before turning charcoal black.
He realises that the black colour of the ground and rocks is from the blood of the doomed.
The air shimmers with the heat rising from the burning hot ground. All around in the far distance, the horizon consists mountain chains of volcanoes overflowing with orange-red lava.
There is no escape.

The come upon a sign made from slate of rock with the chiselled inscription:
No shirt
No shoes
No service

Adolph turns to The Devil and asks: "Doesn't that apply to me? I'm nude".

Devil: "The sign means nothing, the man who came up with the slogan is here and his punishment is to make these signs with glowing hot tools, sitting on the ground for all eternity".

Adolph: "I don't think the punishment fits the crime".

Devil: "He also came up with: 'No dogs and Chinese allowed' and: 'Whites Only'. We just do not want to see these signs down here, we may be cruel and evil but that is below even us".

They then come upon another depression in the ground.
In the middle a huge copper tub is resting on top of a burning pile of coal.
The tub is filled to the brim with boiling tar and a man is thrashing around trying to get out.
Demons surround the tub and pushes him back into the tar and under the surface with pitchforks.
His screams are silent, contained in the bubbles of tar coming out of his open mouth.

Adolph turns away in horror and hoarsely whispers to The Devil: "No, this is not for me either".

Devil: "I'm afraid that the focus of our services here is pain. Look at the bright side, tar is a good anti-dandruff".

As they walk on, the child molester looks up at the black sky.

Adolph: "I always thought that Hell would be in a cave?".

Devil: "No, that's an old misconception of self-centred humans, who thought that Hell was underground on Earth, we serve the whole universe".

Adolph: "I can only see one star".
He pointed straight up at a the only bright point on the char coal sky.

Devil: "That's not a star, that's Heaven. A while back we received a travel agent who sold people holidays at some of the worst places on Earth with the slogan: 'It is not quite Heaven, but you can see it from here'". "We thought it was a nice touch so we made Heaven visible from here".

They reached a third bowl depression in the ground.
In the middle was a small hill with a man standing on top.
Surrounding the hill was hundreds of child-demons trying to get up the hill. The ground around the hill was semi-liquid lava and the child-demon's feet was sizzling every time they made contact.
The man on the hill had a stone club that he used to fend off the child-demons that was trying to ascent the hill, clawing at his feet.

The child molester almost whooped with delight every time a child-demon got hit on the head with the club and fell to the ground screaming in pain.
He hid his smile when he turned and looked up at The Devil and said: "I think this is a suitable punishment for me".

Devil: "I think so too".
His yellow slitted eyes flashed red for a split-second and the child molester was transformed into a child-demon.
The Devil put a hoof on his bottom and pushed him into the pit with all the other demons.

[indra]

One day, GOD talked to Bill Gates.
"Considering your contribution to the world and also your disbelief in me, i am going to do something that i never did before. I am going to allow you to choose between Heaven or Hell".

amazed, Bill Gates try to remain objective. He wanted to see both Heaven and Hell before made the decision.

then GOD shows him the Heaven. it's so beautiful, so graceful, fill of peace and praises to GOD.

satisfied, Bill Gates wanted to see the Hell.

GOD shows him the Hell, full of sexy ladies, partying all time, having fun and no rules at all.

Finally, Bill Gates decided that he wanted to be in Hell. GOD have asked him to confirm because once decision made, can't cancel it.

So when Bill Gates died, GOD put him in Hell.
After several days, GOD wonders how Bill Gates enjoy his life in Hell.

After looking for sometime, GOD founds Bill Gates crying and sulking in a corner. He cried "GOD, where are all the fun? the girls? the parties?".

GOD responded "Dear Bill, didn't we told you? it was all just a screen saver."

[Angela]

TS's graphical description of hell reminds me of the Haw Par Villa's 10 courts of hell which are sculptures depicting various punishments (per Buddhist belief) that await sinners when they die. The Villa also showcase sculptures of Chinese Mythologies. 

I went to see this infamous attraction with my sister and as we walked among throngs of serious and grave faced tourists taking photos of each court of hell with its various tortures for killers, gamblers, prostitutes, etc.,  I whispered to my sister "I wonder what's the punishment for people with no sense of humor?" she whispered back, "probably spending a day with you"

[Andy]

Big sign outside the church: 'Jesus Saves'. Underneath it someone has scribbled: 'But Rooney slots home the rebound.'

Also: first mention of cure for constipation in the bible. 'And Moses took two tablets, and went up onto the mountain.'

There's the preacher who turned two pages of the bible by accident, and said: 'And Moses fell sick, and the lot fell on Aaron.'
*
Member of the congregation to priest:

"Do you save wicked women?"

"I do, my son."

"Will you save one for me?"

Cheers, Andy

[Jason]

One of my all time favourite comedy skits, Rowan Atkinson welcoming people to Hell:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rC6UrMTC73A

[Chamin]

Haw Par Villa is a cool place, especially the 10 courts of hell.

The statues in one court demonstrate the repercussions of cheating in exams :o). I suspect that this was included because the National University of Singapore is located only a kilometer away :-p

Hm, I just wonder why an opposition lawmaker built it.....

[Ricardo Cabeza]

By mistake an engineer was sent to Hell. He looked around and told the Devil that he reckoned he could improve the place. The Devil agreed to let him have a go. So the engineer set to work with a will.
Some time later God realized that he was missing an engineer and found that there had been a routing error. So he rang the Devil. "Have you got my engineer down there?"
"Well, I do have an engineer but he's not yours. He's mine now. He's really done a good job around the place. Now we have air conditioning, indirect lighting, a fire protection system and WiFi. He's about to install high definition TV, passenger lifts and satellite communications."
"He's supposed to be up here in Heaven with all the other engineers. You send him up right now or I'll..."
"You'll what?"
"If you don't send that engineer up to heaven where he belongs right now - I'll sue."
At this point the Devil burst into peals of laughter, tears of amusement streaming down his red cheeks.
"What's so funny? snapped God.
"Where the Hell are you going to get a lawyer? They're all here."