It’s a whole new Google!

 

Beijing offers a fab alternative to the world’s top internet service

BIG NEWS. The communist party in Beijing has asked me to announce to the world that from next week it will offer its own raft of services to replace those provided by Google.

 

“The replacement firm will be called Googoo, after the noise that babies make, because it matches our policy of treating our citizens like children,” an official said.

China has perfected the art of searching, he added. “Our politburo members are mostly elderly and spend all their time looking for stuff, such as pieces of paper on which they have written the names of their mistresses, the numbers of their Swiss bank accounts and so on.”
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Fed up of making a search on Google and receiving millions of results, way too many to be useful? Your problems are over!

With Beijing’s new “Googoo Search” you only get one reply per search. AND it’s government-approved. What could be better?

For example, input “Hannah Montana mp3s” and you get one response: “Socialism is Great mp3 extended version”.

On Google Earth, it takes ages to zoom in from space to actual towns. Well, the new “Googoo Earth” is much faster, as the government has preselected the places people should be interested in. This means “Greater China”, which is defined as mainland China, Hong Kong, Taiwan, Tibet, Xinjiang, Vancouver, San Francisco, New York and Gerard Street in London.
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The new ”Googoo Chrome” will soon be the king of browsers, officials predict. Not only does it search the web, but it automatically blacks out all obscene images, such as pictures of people blatantly voting for their leaders, expressing dissent or attempting to think for themselves.
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Forget Gmail. Switch to “Goomail”. Not only will it carry your email messages, but it will improve their ideological purity.

For example, “Hi, Auntie Jenny, can you get me a pirate copy of Avatar from the street corner?”

becomes

“Hi, Comrade Jenny, long may the proletariat revolution continue,” which all will agree is far superior.
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Use the new “Googoo Streetview” from any location on the planet and you can get a photographic image of any road, as long as it is Great Hall of the People West Road in Beijing. It will soon be expanded dramatically, to also feature the other side of the road.
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On YouTube, half the videos are shaky amateur movies, and the other half are pirated shows. You don’t want that!

Instead, watch “Gootube” and you can select from huge number (four) of archived speeches by communist party leaders. Cool, I hear you exclaim.
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With “Googoo Calendar”, there’s no longer a need to keep a diary. Use the new service to record your appointments, and why not put down your private thoughts too?

For example, if you write down, “It occurred to me this morning that pluralism is a far superior system to authoritarianism,” jot it down. Within hours, the government can send security troops to your home to offer re-education FREE OF CHARGE.
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Finally, “Googoo Desktop” is an ingenious piece of software which appears as a bar on the left side of your screen, containing many useful applications, such as a scrolling version of Mao’s little red book, and, er, that’s it.
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So forget Google. From now on, go for Googoo. You know it makes sense.

And if you don’t, my friends may come to your house to re-educate you until you do.
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Technorati Tags: Google humor,google jokes,china internet,china censorship

Comments

[Foxlore]

Don’t forget about the Googoo Wave…which you will perform in real-time as you are being marched off to your re-education. ;-)

[Angela]

GoogooTunes will sell government approved music

GoogooBookReader will outsell Kindle

GoogooPhone is powered by Steroid OS

Googoo me, googoo is a new verb

[Chamin]

In "Sinhala", my mother tongue, "Goomail" would mean "Shitmail." :o)

If Goomail works the way Nury has defined, I think the word is right.

[fardel]

We are lucky
It is called the GOGO news
in the West , we have more freedom as this videos will prove.
http://www.brasschecktv.com/page/790.htm

[Christy]

Optional (read "compulsory" hardware upgrade:

The Googoo webcam -- stay in touch with the Party and, more importantly, let us spy on you!

[fardel]

If you cannot access the web site I sent you
maybe
It has been kidnapped
It has been censored
It cannot be accessed by foreigners
It drowned on its way to Asia
it has been Googled ( translate googooled in Chinese)

[TS]

The latest and greatest gadget will be the iGoo player were you can listen to Chairman Mao speeches in the shared file format of mpGoo.

[Angela]

All the googoo gadgets will be using goo-ey interface ofcourse.

goopad has just been launched.

dubbed "most advanced technology in a magical and revolutionary device"

those who oppose the party will "magically" disappear, thanks to this "revolutionary" device.

[Vaibhav]

i dont think your website will show up in Googoo upon searching Nury.
You're fast approaching them launching their own alternate to Mr. Jam.

On a more serious note being in India, to contemplate living in China is difficult. Our govt does close down on things but on mainly what it considers immoral not anti govt.

[Chamin]

Hi Vaibhav,

You are right. Nury's web site (this site) is already blocked in Beijing. It will definitely not show in in GooGoo.

[Karuna]

check this...try and search any sensitive chinese issues on this. it is scary !!

http://Goojje.com/
http://YouTubecn.com/

[farah]

although goo means shit over here but couldnt help for adding the following,

goobook
gooitter
goo-space

i have this relative who's obsessed with the word 'goo', i'm sure she's going to love today's article.

[Mao Ze Wrong]

China doesn’t need outsiders telling it what to do. It needs its own homegrown search engine, with built in switches to vary degrees of truth, censorship and nationalistic pride. That's why we will soon be launching choogling.com
See details at http://chinareallysucks.com/Site/New_Stuff/Entries/2010/3/29_Google_goes%2C_but_you_can_keep_on_Choogling.html