Highlights of 2009

The past 12 months was one of the silliest years on record

PHEW THANK GOODNESS 2009 is over. What a year that was.

What was your most memorable moment?

My colleague Eddie said, “My worst moment was when I learned that the family name of swindler Bernie Madoff was pronounced ‘Made-Off’, as in ‘Bernie Made Off With Your Savings’. This made me worry about my own savings, which are parked with investment advisors named Bob Flybynight and Dave Crook.”

It took me only ten minutes to realize that Eddie had made a joke. What a pair of totally sharp guys we are. But his comment did inspire me to dredge up the year’s more remarkable incidents.
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It was the year in which singer Michael Jackson died after a losing a thirty-year battle with a very nasty disease called Excessive Weirdness.
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It was a year in which tens of thousands of people worrying about how airplane flights were damaging the climate decided to take action by flying to Copenhagen, which is apparently a place, although I always thought it was a brand of ice cream.
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It was the year in which Sarah Palin had a professional ghostwriter write a book for her, setting off furious media speculation that she will soon hire a professional reader to read it to her.
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It was the year in which fugitive European rapist Roman Polanski was finally tracked down, having been hidden for 30 years, except for brief appearances in every magazine and gossip column ever printed, not to mention 217,000 television shows and several reality TV series.
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It was the year in which panicking Hong Kong authorities sealed off a hotel full of guests for a week, before learning that swine flu caused less long-term damage than watching 20 minutes of High School Musical.
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It was the year in which the Nobel Peace Prize committee changed their criteria for winning the prize to a single requirement: “Candidate must be a way cool dude.” I was thrilled. FINALLY I’m in the running.
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It was the year in which billionaire golfer Tiger Woods, the world’s most envied man, slipped up and lost everything, causing great rejoicing among pathetic, jealous guys with no lives of their own (suffer, you sleazeball, SUFFFFFERRRRR, DIE, SCUM!). Oops, sorry, let me just recover myself for a moment.
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It was also the year in which the Large Hadron Collider was restarted, I believe after Tiger Wood’s wife hit it with a nine-iron.
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It was the year in which a pair of gatecrashers got into President Obama’s private party, causing every columnist in the world to criticize them in an outraged tone of voice while secretly wanting to learn how they did it. (If Tariq or Michaele Salahi are reading this, please email me. I can offer you exclusive Hello Kitty souvenirs.)
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It was the year in which the American car industry showed itself to the world’s worst managed transport business, and the Somali piracy operation was revealed to be the best.
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It was the year in which bankers lost their jobs and had to eke out a humble living on their massive bonuses, inspiring the movie Slumdog Millionaire. Sacked bankers were astonished by the level of public sympathy they received (none).
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It was an unforgettable year which will be remembered as the only 2009 in the whole of recorded history.

Thank God.
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PS. I loved the comments that were posted while I was away. I am definitely the world’s luckiest columnist. I particularly loved these pics of two of my favourite people, posted on Christmas Eve. On opposite sides of the world, some lucky guy found Angela under his tree and some lucky gal found Fardel under hers. That’s what I call peace and goodwill to all mankind!

Comments

[Foxlore]

Happy New Year everyone.

My resolutions for 2010 are to be more decisive, think more, speak less, and eat more pie. Although I am still trying to figure out the order in which to get started... ;-)

[Angela]

Yaay! Mr. Jam's back!

I am making my new year's resolution. It's a long and tedious, brain numbing scientific process equivalent in sophistication only to rocket science and brain surgery and the impact might be as lethal as a nuclear bomb or having GWB as your country’s president, your choice.

Due to its terribly delicate and highly intellectual nature of this process, I am at a great risk of brain comatose, so I only came up with one resolution:

"To do the things I have never done before, i.e. to do the opposite of what I’ve done"

I am already beginning to sound like Yoda here, (make a mental note to return Star Wars DVD before VideoEzy cuts off my membership). Or maybe I got that from my fortune cookie, can’t remember, too much Singapore sling with my paella.

I’ve always done the right things, from what I’ve been taught by my mother, my father, my church, my school.

This year I will not do it right anymore, I will do the opposite, I will do it left!

Doing the right things haven’t really worked for me, I am still single, still alone on Friday nights, still have no one to open the cans and bottles for me and to put stuff on the top shelf.

My love life now is the opposite of what it should be.

In the wise words of my idol George Costanza,“if every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right”

This 2010 I resolve to start doing the complete opposite of what I would do normally.

So I started to list the things I've never done before:

1. Never dated younger men

2. Never held hands nor kissed on first date

3. Never had a ONS

So this year of the cougar (tiger, cougar, all are cats) I will only date men between ages of 25-33.

I will make the first move and grab his hand on the first date, and maybe go a step further and put my hand on his knee and I will kiss him goodnight before I slam the door on his face.

#3 is kinda difficult to attempt on a first date, my system may go into anaphylactic shock.

One small step for Angela, one giant leap for CatholicSingleWomenKind…errr… I mean truckdriverskind.

I shall journal the result of this potentially ground breaking, unprecedented attempt to break the code of loserhood. Singlehood, loserhood, all are the same hood.

I aim to put Robert Langdon out of his code breaking business. My book will be titled "Angela and Demons"

[Sham]

LOL Angela. Good luck on your mission. But i think you broke Fardel's heart with No.1

[fardel]

He guys
I have to stop you right here , right now!!!!
i already posted my resolutions:UN-MARRIED FOR another century
But I agree with Karuna and Uncle Nury, and somewhere with Angela.
Let's do something we did not do before:
let's become matchmaker.
Let's find a partner for our truck driver
we put an ad we screen, we interview and

We organize her wedding in April so that I could be the best man.

Are you up to the challenge?

[fardel]

OOPs ,
before somebody misunderstand what I just said:
I did not say the best choice.
I meant I would be willing to be witness to the wedding
witness only, only only only

[Angela]

hahahhaha...

freudian slip

this column never fails to make me laugh, intentional or otherwise ;-)

I am still laughing....all the way to the bathroom.

[Angela]

fardel, I mean that in a good way :-)

you cannot blame your automatic french-english translator for this one.

do something you have never done before

go for a big fat hairy truck driver, we are really sweet guys underneath the beard.

bromance is in for 2010.

[fardel]

@Angela
You are focusing on finding Prince Charming too much
He does not exist.
Since you plan to date younger guys ( age 25-33 ) you must be my age.
That rules me out he,he , he

what about enjoying a bed , just for yourself ,
-with nobody' snoring waking you up,
-without the socks to wash-
- without the cooking after a long day's work,
-without his dislike of your best friend,
-without his not getting along with your daughter, or getting along with her too much when she grows up
-without having to bear with his school pals
And finally WITHOUT HIS MOTHER wanting to run your place

What about making the best of what you have?
Your freedom.
your daughter
your career

your future

Date whoever you like, and return home to your nest after the party.

I was married and very much in love once,terribly in love for years.
I went to Mexico ,and met an older guy who said;
""I was married , i got divorced , it was terrible, first the marriage , then the divorce.
Now I live alone,
I have a good maid who takes good care of the house
I have my mistresses, they have their lovers.
If I want to do something interesting I call her, If she is not avilable I call another one.
We have fun and we go home.
She does not ask me what I do, I do not want to know what she does and whom she does it with."

I did not understand him at this time.I thought he was crazy
I was the crazy one
He decided t take us for a tour of Yucatan, he notified his job that he would be away for a week, he called one of his girlfriends she turned down the offer, he called another one who likes adventure,he drove his beat-up camper ( a transformed pick up truck) and took us to the jungles , to the temples of South Mexico
We had a hell of a time.
I found out , way after ,that he was one of the top surgeons of the country

Angela
Bite into life take it as it comes
Stop dreaming, Life is not a fairy tale
Just learn how to make the best of it
get a bigger bed, and enjoy NOT to share it
I have a queen size one, I can sleep in any direction without bumping into somebody (i.e without midnight argument)
Watch a good movie:
Up in the Air ( it was made for you )

read this
http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Mahatma_Gandhi/
http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/m/mohandas_gandhi.html

[fardel]

2009 was a year of decision,2010 would be a year of changes.
So i thought.
Wrong!
when i planned to "quit" for another life(i.e plan for an early retirement) life has decided otherwise:
Business comptetition will be a challenge this year.
They have asked me to supervise their operations.
I hope I can still make it to Asia if our truck driver persists in getting a noose around his( oops) her neck.

[fardel]

@Nury
I did not pay attention to the picture of the teeshirt
It says
drop the bras (left)
i see two bare bottoms left and right
What id this blue thing , on the right , for?
Who is behind this teeshirt?

[Nury]

Angela, you say you have "always done the right things".

Well, remember, two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

[Nury]

ps.
Angela, you say you have never had an ONS, what is an ONS?

[Nury]

Fardel, the t-shirt and hat design in the pictures are from zazzle, a famous T-shirt company.

I am bit worried that you say a brassiere and bottoms in the picture. I think the pix are supposed to show a mask and random curly lines.

I guess it is like a Rorschach inkblot test or how ever you spell it. You see what is in your mind.

[sej]

ONS = One Night Stand...

Nury, Fardel, what on earth are you talking about?? Barsiere, bottoms, masks and random curly lines? I only see two milk jugs!

[fardel]

@sej,angela
Excuse my ignorance
What is One Night Stand?
@ Angela
What is bromance
@Nury
Tried to make fun out of this teeshirt, Was looking into details , the funny way
Bras on a beach next to a topless deity just looks like the drawing
Naturists , baking in the sun look like the random curves we mentioned
Evrrybody who lives in my island knows that;
It can be seen everyday
Definitely, we do not live on the same planet

[Angela]

aiyoh! aiyoh! aiyoh!

Somebody is jumping the gun. I never said anything about wanting to get married, never said anything about sharing my bed, never said anything about looking for prince charming. The NYR is on doing the opposite of what I would normally do, going against my (better?) instinct and see if I would be more successful, or at least if my Friday nights would get more busy.

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Yes, I also see a mask, a paper trumpet, confetti and curly ribbons.

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Freud would have a field day in fardel's brain. He's thinking too much of women.

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"three rights make a left"

This is the philosophy behind my driving. And pretty much everything else I do in life.

[Vaibhav Chadha]

Is there a problem with me when all i read out of anaphylactic was lactic??
And now sej has mentioned milk jugs.

[Foxlore]

"get a bigger bed, and enjoy NOT to share it"

I agree wholeheartedly with this statement...

...except replace the word bed with pie! ;-P

[fardel]

it is not a brain
it is a computer ,working 24/7, in three languages organizing websites, business, daughter's education , + ,+
Freud would be lost in this brain

@Angela
"He's thinking too much of women."
Just answering you;
have a good evening

[sej]

Angela,

This 2010 I resolve to start doing the complete opposite of what I would do normally.

So I started to list the things I've never done before:

1. Never dated younger men

2. Never held hands nor kissed on first date

3. Never had a ONS

@11:34

.
.
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"never said anything about sharing my bed"
@16:04

What is "sharing my bed" if a One Night Stand isn't?? You can then draw your own conclusion as to what you said. Hmmm????... :-)

Fardel,

As you can imagine, a One Night Stand is just a little more than holding hands and kissing on the first date.

[fardel]

Thanks
I look dumb

[fardel]

This English language is very confusing.
My automatic translator is lost.
You mean that one night stand suggests a horizontal meeting?

Now I look dumber.

[Vaibhav Chadha]

this is turning out to be fun. am not sure if angela meant it or not but
Sej - she never said she would invite the ONS to her home. no talk of sharing her bed there. just simply a bed.

[Karuna]

Guys, get real. We are talking about Angela here. Angela must have meant ONS in the literal sense -- to be done standing !! No beds required.
Angela - THE cougar woman.

[sej]

Fardel,

Although not always necessarily horizontally, I think you are getting the right idea.

Vaibhav,

In English, to "share your bed" does not mean "I sleep this side, you sleep that side, and never the twain shall meet", whether that bed be your bed, your very physical and tangible assets (gee, that could've sounded good in the right context), or anyone elses. In fact, it means quite the opposite.

I once used "I'd love to share your bed" many years ago as a pick up line... it nearly worked too until her boyfriend caught us.

[farah]

so summarizing from the above what i got is,

- nury is back (d'oh i know but yeiii welcome back)

- angela is planning to be a cougar and go for ONS but not in her bed.

- freud would get lost in fardel's brain.

- fardel is dumb!

- sej can't look away from the jugs to read anything beyond.

what a way to start the new year and this column!

[Vaibhav Chadha]

well i'll wait for angela to clarify what she meant. whether her context of marrying, sharing her bed meant that or just her side of any bed.
in the meantime - Welcome blue eyed Farah

[fardel]

Sorry to have upset you guys
My understanding of English comes from watching movies and reading modern literature.
My understanding of a date ( inspired by western cinema) comes from the following:
- your place, or mine?
- still pictures of closed doors
next morning:
- ruffle sheets ,exhausted people ,in pyjamas, side by side, happy -looking.
As a Frenchman I believed that the two were tired of acrobatics intertwining all night, the French way.
WRONG
Thanks to Angela and the gang,I am dumb no more:
ONS
One night standing

In France, we call that a pillow fight, usually practiced by teenagers all night.
I did not know that in the rest of the world ,adults were still at this stage of premarital relationships

"Welcome blue eyed Farah"
Maybe I shall be invited to an Asian wedding after all !

[farah]

blue eyed farah?? :O

normally sielded and plain brown eyes will again transform into blue tonight for a wedding (not mine!).

dressing up can be a tremendous amount of pain.

[Uli]

You are really hilarious, all of you! :-)))
@Fardel: I, too, didn't get the meaning of ONS, so let's feel dumb together, shall we?

[fardel]

We shall