Guards take over the world

Petty officials make up laws on the spot in a bid to ban happiness

WARNING: by reading this column you may be aiding and abetting a criminal. Furthermore, you will be reading the words of an unrepentant lawbreaker. Don’t blame me if you end up sharing my cell.
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It all started one Saturday night just before Christmas, when a group of us were bemoaning the commercialism of the season.

“Let’s MAKE gifts, not buy them,” somebody said. “And then give them to deserving people.”

So that became the plan.

On the morning of December 26, we met around a kitchen table and assembled 120 packages of chocolates to give to deserving but underpaid people, such as domestic helpers.

We dressed up our children in red and green elf costumes and set off to find deserving people to hand them to.

We didn’t have to look very far. Lots of domestic helpers were sitting in the city-centre public areas, enjoying a few well-deserved hours off. The children raced forwards to wish them joy and present each with a small package of chocolate. The helpers fled, screaming. No; that’s what I would have done, but they held their ground and accepted them graciously.

Which was when the law stepped in. Three guards in uniform raced over to us.

Their leader, a sour-looking individual with Jiang Zhemin glasses, (see pic at the top of this page) informed us that what we were doing was not allowed. It wasn’t clear what he was objecting to: the smiling, the expression of good wishes, the sharing of chocolate, the wearing of elf costumes, or the breaking of the class barrier, but I suspect it was the crime of Being Nice in Public.

This happens all the time these days. Standard childish activities (talking, singing, laughing, jumping around, beating each other to a pulp) in malls or parks or just in public streets are interrupted by uniformed guards who make up their own laws on the spot.

Outraged, I urged the children to continue what they were doing. If being nice in public was illegal, then I was willing to have my entire family arrested for this. I made this executive decision under my authority as Official Dad, forgetting that these days fathers have the least decision-making power in families.

(Vicious criminals)

I then took a photograph of the chief guard, which REALLY annoyed him. You could see his mind clicking away as it dreamed up new laws. Camera possession is illegal! Camera use is illegal! Phototaking of uniformed persons is illegal! You will be hung, drawn and quartered, and then revived by doctors so you can be executed again and again and again!

(Criminal singing “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” to unamused guard)

Then came a brainwave. I raced over to my neighbour’s child. This little girl is so heart-meltingly cute that she can jump with her full body weight onto a man’s testicles and still be considered utterly enchanting. I speak from personal experience.

“Go and offer that man a pack of chocolate,” I told her.

She trotted up to the mean guard, holding out a bag of goodies. He shook his head and stepped back. But I could see the corners of his mouth twitch upwards. I think it may be the closest he had come to smiling for a while, possibly since birth.

After a moment’s thought, he took a few steps back. We continued to distribute good wishes and packs of chocolate. Ten minutes later, all 120 packages were gone. The guards, too, had made themselves scarce.

The children danced all the way home.
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(On the subject of nazi guards taking over public spaces, this earlier posting caused a minor sensation – please continue to copy it and distribute it: link here)
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ON A DIFFERENT subject, huge congrats to reader Dancer, whose real name is Kanyu, on her recent wedding at The Rocks in Sydney. She sent me this picture with a caption: “The Rocks nuptials: hopefully not rocky.”

Comments

[Jason]

Perhaps this is the local version of signs in parks the world over, please don't feed the birds/fish/helpers on their day off.

Another first class of example of the city's mentality, filled as it is with mindless automatons who have no ability or desire to actually apply some common sense, let alone dust off and fire up the occasional neuron to actually have a logical (or caring) thought.

Asia's (insert as appropriate below) city:

Inane/Incompetent/Inept
Mentally Challenged
Worst
All of the above

[Foxlore]

Don't be too hard on guards...like anyone with a bit of power they just want you to respect their 'authoritah'!

(for reference: http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/150368/?searchterm=Chickenlover )

For a good film about guard power/abuse going to an extreme might I recommend the German film Das Experiment [aka The Experiment 2001] (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0250258/) based on a real case study back in the 70s.

Jason’s comment above about parks and the idea of ‘class barrier’ reminded me of this clip from Mr. Lee’s famous film. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvK-VGPocQU ).

In any event, it is good to hear that these particular Grinches guards could not ruin your holiday spirits. :D

[Jason]

I am suddenly reminded of this great commentary from The World of Lily Wong. Sometimes I think the people in Hong Kong really should be ashamed of themselves and their attitudes/behaviour.

http://www.lilywong.net/archive/arc980928.htm

[Psyche]

By case study, would you be referring to the stanford prison experiment? It was cruel and caused trauma in those who were selected as the prisoners.

[Denis]

Thanks for posting the lily wong link. the cartoons are brilliant

[farah]

Nury had you sung to the police officers here i'm sure you would have been beaten up or thrown behind the bars. your crime? harassing the respected poliemen who's always protecting you.

the only way to get the smile out of them is to give them money. you can try singing the song 'money money'

[Sara L.]

If you want to set up a campaign against petty officialdom, I'm sure you will get a lot of support. probably everyone has a story of being harrassed by these awful people.

[Bernard]

Wish I was there! In a place where happiness seems to only evolve around the almighty dollar, meeting genuine, happy people is becoming somewhat a rarity. It's so frustrating, really, and even infuriating when you hear government bureaucrats harping about the importance of economic development and the like.

Nury, when you get imprisoned, give me a buzz. I have a feeling we might be merrier in prison!

[Uli]

This is an outrageous story, Nury. But that just shows that there is a prevailing need to be nice to people, make them get used to being nice, then perhaps some of them might get to be nice people, too (hope springs eternal)
I love that picture of you with the guitar! A real revolutionary Victor Jara in Asia!!!

[Jason]

If Nury goes to jail, what's the next book...The Feng Shui Detective's Prison Bitch?

[Jason]

"Sorry warden, but this cell just won't do. It's not facing the proper direction, the chi is all wrong, square windows with vertical bars, no no no! The karma in this place is just horrendous."

[Kim]

WONDERFUL!!!! - and may there be lots of copycat 'crime'!

[Christy]

"Aiyeeah! Why do the gods (guards) hate me so". -- C.F. Wong

:P

[David]

This sounds like the beginning of a wonderful new religion, Nury. I'll join. Especially if there is chocolate.

[Harry]

Nury,
I agree with the column but -
I am, officially, an old fart but you don't have to make me feel like one.
"You will be hung, drawn and quartered".
When I was in school we would have been hanged, drawn and quartered for such usage. It was pounded into us that laundry pictures, stockings by the chimney with care and all other things are "hung". But people are "hanged". However, nowadays few seem to make this distinction. When Sadaam met his end, most of the media referred to his being "hung". It would have made my primary school teacher cringe.
And,please, understand that I'm not being pedantic. I don't look for these things. They just clang on my ear like a dropped metal rubbish bin lid.
But, I enjoy your column.

[TS]

Harry don't go to see the show "Stomp"

http://www.stomp.co.uk/

[Harry]

TS
Rubbish, init?

[Denis]

Dancer / Kanyu, you are gorgeous, how come you are wearing indian wedding gear, are you marrying an indian? your name sounds Japanese am I right?

[Kanyu]

Thanks Denis.
No, I married a Hong Kong guy and my name originated from Chinese characters but it is actually the same for Japanese as well.

Oddly, I was always mistaken as Indian by other Indians in Hong Kong so I thought maybe I'll look good in a saree. We just thought it would be fun to try it as the it seems more colourful and interesting than the standard fluffy white.

[Karuna]

Dancer..you look gorgeous in the saree.

[Karuna]

@Harry..
are you our local cartoonist Harry ?

that you mention you are an "old fart", for some strange reason makes me think so.

[Angela]

Dancer is a blushing bride :) lucky you!

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"Hung" always makes me think specifically of that male anatomy only. "Hanged" makes me think of the whole person.

[R]

Dear Mr. Vittachi,

I could not agree more with your yesterday column about officer in any uniform or offical capacity making their own law on their own will. I am serving the District Court at Wanchai Government Office Tower. In my offical capacity, I was honoured to be invited to the Court X'mas lunch party at the lift lobby on the G/F at noon 0n 23 Dec 2009. As my colleagues and me were excited to have the chance to meet the Chief Justice LI as the officiating VIP before his resignation, I bring the office digital camera. Amid the joy of the party, one half bald gentleman in black outdated suite approached me to ask for my identity. As a serious civil servant, I immediately shown him my government ID card on my collar. He was speechless and turned away in dismay. The next day, my boss got a call from the Senior Judicial Clerk of District Court, Ms CHUNG, saying that a particular judge was upset by people taking photo at the X'mas party with the concern of the picture being put on Facebook. Obviously, that half bald gentleman asking for my identity at the X'mas party was a Juducial Clerk calling the Court to order on behalf of the presiding Judge everyday. As the Fox behind the Tiger, he tends to make his own law to outlaw picture taking and use of carema at X'mas party. Ironically, other guys from the Judicial Clerk ranks also took picture with their much bigger DSL camera. Therefore, that Judicial Clerk's self made law did not apply to his own colleagues at all. It is so sad that the tradition of common law practice in HK for more than a century failed to implant the rule of law in the mind of the majority of the local government Chinese officials, especially those at rank and file level.

R.

Your loyal fans.

8 Jan 2010

[Angela]

Army: No Retreat No Surrender

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Navy: No Pain No Gain

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Air Force: No Guts No Glory

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Security Guard: No ID No Entry

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Ok, you can shoot me now.

[Angela]

Camera: I can shoot you but it's not going to kill you.

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I only had a mini-incident with airport security when my hand luggage was passing through the x-ray machine and the two officers seem to be snickering as they were looking at an item in my bag, a long metal gadget with plastic handle and is electrically powered

Relax boys, it's just my curling iron.

[Jason]

Angela, it sounds from your posts that you really need a good man...and soon. Try not making him jump through so many hoops, like struggling in a different language. That just makes you come across as a difficult, hard to please, pain in the #!$, which guys don't particularly like.

[Christy]

Karuna you mean Harry's View in SCMP? I've been wondering about it for sooooo long!

I love those cartoons :D

[Angela]

Moi?

"difficult, hard to please, pain in the #!$"?

Not at all ;-)

Have a good Friday night everyone!!!

[Jason]

Sorry I hope that wasn't too harsh, just trying to offer some "tough love" advice on dating guys. Some of your posts, to me anyway, came across that you were into playing games, which is a great way for single women to stay that way. When I met my wife, one of the things that really attracted me was that she didn't play the stupid mind games a lot of women do...and it led to a ring and a very happy marriage. :)

[Vaibhav Chadha]

If it is a game she's playing it certainly doesnt seem to be 'Hard to get'.
The only game that can put most guys off and the serious ones intrigued.

[shrynne]

Nury-- good on you and the kids! am ready to back you guys up..
it can become a global phenonmenon-- even bigger that free hugs- chocolates are a piece of heaven :)
I saw this written somewhere--and it should have been the slogan in Copenhagen:
'Save the Earth, it's the only planet with chocolates'

PS-- Nury--first time i've seen you not wearing a Nehru shirt collar

[Chamin]

Nury, thanks a real lot for the photos of the first gang of criminals that I want to join.

Here in Tokyo, a few moms were paranoid when we dressed up like Santa and distributed candy. But the petty officials did not have a problem with it.

My moment of that evening was when an old grandpa asked us for a candy and gave it to the granny sitting by her :o)

[Louise]

Hi Nury, what you and the team of "criminals" did is commendable. I I am a Filipino in HK and things like this make domestic helpers' lives here easier.

Maybe I can join next time? :)

[Uli]

Harry, I feel just the same although I mostly feel it when German words or grammar are being "slaughtered". It is - by the way - just the same problem for the Germans: "aufgehaengt" (i. e. hanged) or "aufgehangen" (i. e. hung). Incidentally, there is a similarity in the pronunciation...