10 questions for your spouse

Your best advisor for work problems is at home in your bed

BUSINESS PEOPLE rely on two completely different sources of advice, a survey shows.: one in their accounting departments, and one in their beds. Accountants came out as the number one font of wisdom, according to ATF Business Advisors, a UK firm. But next comes our spouses -- business people rate bed-partners as better sources of smart advice than highly paid advisors, such as non-executive directors of their own firms. People need “two different types of wisdom”, a psychologist commented.

My eyebrows rose, but I did not question this report. That’s because I was reading it in bed, and any snort of skepticism about spousal intelligence would have been greeted unfavourably by someone in the near vicinity.

But thinking it over, I could see the sense of having two totally contrasting streams of advice. It’s a bit like stereoscopic vision, but without the tacky plastic glasses.

I decided to test out the theory by giving identical ten-part questionnaires to my accountant and my wife, so that I could compare answers. Here’s the data I ended up with.

1) Why did the chicken cross the road?

Wife: “To get to the other side?”

Accountant: “To find himself in a more favorable tax jurisdiction, more than likely, assuming he had access to good advice.”

2) What’s two and two?

Wife: “Four.”

Accountant: “Before or after tax?”

3) How many children should a couple have?

Wife: “As many as you can, of course, why stop after just three or four or five or six or seven or eight or nine or…. [etc]?”

Accountant: “We find that the slight tax advantages of having dependent offspring are greatly outweighed by extraordinarily high maintenance costs.”

4) Is there a God?

Wife: “Yes. And He watcheth over us. Amen.”

Accountant: “There IS a senior auditor, if that’s what you mean.” (Shudders.)

5) Do you believe in love?

Wife: “Yes. What do you think keeps me here with you despite your microscopic bank balance?”

Accountant: “Despite its popularity, due diligence reveals that its benefits are non-tangible and off-balance sheet.”

6) Why is there suffering?

Wife: “Because you are SO mean, but having said that, the Harvey Nichols sale is on until weekend, so you COULD redeem yourself.”

Accountant: “Because you file everything so late.”

7) Is there life after death?

Wife: “Yes. One day we will be free of all the cares and burdens and weight-loss programs of our earthly lives.”

Accountant: “We tell our clients not to even think about dying these days, as there are so many death duties that it’s just not worth it.”

8) What do women want?

Wife: “Ooh, hang on a minute while I get a pen and paper. Have you got a couple of hours?”

Accountant: “An account at Harvey Nichols.”

9) Why can’t men talk about their feelings?

Wife: “They don’t have any.”

Accountant: “There is no suitable form on which to record them.”

10) What is the secret of happiness?

Wife: “Three words, I love you.”

Accountant: “Three words: Cashier’s cheque enclosed.”
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Warning: If your accountant eventually realizes you have a microscopic bank balance, I have some bad news for you. You may have no other way to retain his services than by marrying him. Ewww. Mine’s got a scratchy beard.
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Technorati Tags: accountant,accountancy,humor,advice

Comments

[Julie]

Nury, what do you think happens when you're married to the accountant?

Or when two accountants are married?

[farah]

LOL!!!

i wonder whether an accountant husband/wife would advice on an accounting perspective or on a personal level worldly terms?

it reminds me of conversation between my grandparents.

Grand-Ma: i should stop taking rice. too much of it is making me fat.

Grand-Pa: yes you should. with the amount of rice you take, that money could have been spent on something more fruitful.

Grand-Ma gives Grand-Pa a killer look and all hell breaks loose.

[sej]

Why is it, in Australia at least, the only people who shop at Aldi, seem to be accountants or bookkeepers?

[Vriti]

Interesting!

[Angela]

Seems like accountants are portrayed to be boring people, pity since I am an accountant by training and I have accountant friends who are so much fun to party with ;-)

[Foxlore]

Why did the accountant cross the road?

- To try and collect his service fee from the chicken. ;-P

[fardel]

two years ago, my accountant tells me:
You should not keep so much stock; Your money is sleeping , you should invest it
Now I am telling her
You should not have invested so much.
Your money has been so alive that it fled with Madoff and the gang
Do you want to invest in my stock?

You are broke??

Hum

Maybe you should have learned to count differently !

[fardel]

If accountants seem boring to the rest of us , it is simply because the keep count of their heart beats, and do not want to miss any.

[TS]

Questions your wife or accountant might ask of you.

1)Do you still love me?

Answers

To Wife: "Yes, I still love you and I always will."

To Accountant: "NO! Edw!!! I have never loved you and I never will love you, just finish the paperwork so I can go back home to my wife.... FREAK!"

[Angela]

This is really sad....my accountant friend is also a freelance commercial model on weekends. Often it's her clients who ask inappropriate questions like, "have you had lunch? want to go together?"

she said: eeeewwww....

[sej]

Accountants: The grey cardigan brigade.

[Christy]

"Who does my money belong to"?

Wife: me of course.

Accountant: no me me me!

Unfortunately they are both right and you're left broke...

[sej]

The wife's money motto...

My money is my money,
Your money is my money.

[Wisteria Blossom]

Actuaries are people who can't cope with all the excitement of accountancy.

[Wisteria Blossom]

What's 2+2?
Mathematician: 4.000000 repeating
Engineer: About 4
Accountant: What would you like it to be?

[Chamin]

Angela,

I'm confused. Is "have you had lunch?" an inappropriate question

(a) to ask an accountant?
(b) to ask in Singapore workplaces?
(c) to ask a model?
(d) all of the above?

Is there sarcasm in that question, when asked by who live there?

[Angela]

Chamin, no sarcasm at all.

I lost to sej's "grey cardigan brigade"

I happen to be wearing a grey cardigan and own a few :(

sej, it's a standard issue to accountants. you get it with your license. Something like the white coats for MDs

[Angela]

Sej, I challenge you to a touch type competition on the numeric key pad.

100% accuracy or die

[Karuna]

Angela
You are now an accountant ???
Last month, you said you were a writer for technical magazines !

[Angela]

Accountant by training but had since moved on to a career in communications, following my real passion and fascination with the language. Sadly still stuck to the dress code of my original profession :(

[Karuna]

following real passion to now.....writing technical magazines .....!!!!

[sej]

Angela,

You're on, but there has to be a reverse match on the standard Qwerty keyboard.

Everyone else,

Pssst... Little does she know, my father is an accountant, and I used to do a lot of data entry for him, so I'm as good as he is on the numeric keypad... but don't tell her... our little secret, okay?

[TS]

sej may be the Bushtucker Man of data entry, but I have a feeling that Angela will turn out to be the Crocodille Hunter of keyboards.

I will just sit quietly and watch and not reveal to any one that I am the Russell Coight of touch typing.

[sej]

TS, Didn't that Crocodile Hunter fail dismally when he tried to catch that crocodile that was wandering the Pearl Delta a few months back?

[sej]

Crouching Manager, Hidden Wife.

[sej]

Oops...

Crouching Accounting, Hidden Wife.

[sej]

Man, Third time lucky...

Crouching Accountant, Hidden Wife.

[TS]

sej,
Steve Irwin died in 2006, so I wouldn't be surprised if his performance in crocodile hunting was found lagging...

[Angela]

So i am dead on touch type duel!

Hahaha.. You guys are hillarious. Made my day.

I always confuse crocodile dundee and crocodile hunter. Are they both dead? Those who live by croc shall die by croc.

[Angela]

Today I am reminded of confucious:

she who naps too long in the afternoon shall lay wide awake past midnight

[Christy]

Was it Confucius who said that?

I thought my mother came up with it!

[sej]

Yeah, Steve Irwin is known as *THE* Crocodile Hunter, but I'm sure there was another guy who referred to himself by more or less the same, albeit generic, title. Certainly, there was some guy from Australia who came to Hong Kong on the pretext he could catch the crocodile that was wandering around in the river. He failed spectacularly as I recall it.

[fardel]

i am surprised that Hong kong called somebody to catch a crocodile in the river.
But I am not surprised that he did not find anything

In China ( and in Hong Kong as well , I presume)anything with four legs is good to eat.

[Julie]

Except the table!

A Chinese friend once told me that:

The Chinese will anything with wings - except planes and anything with four legs - except tables.

I think there might have been something about two legs too, but I forgot that bit.

[Angela]

I heard that a frog hunter from the caribbean is coming to hong kong. Under what pretext? One can only surmise.

[fardel]

Not to get hanged , for sure!!!

[fardel]

to be serious
I am looking for an associate:
must speak languages
be smart
be intelligent
must fit in hand luggage

Interested, anyone?

[Angela]

Christy, I think confucius learned it from his mother :)

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fardel, you need an electronic dictionary. Can speak many languages, smart and itelligent, and fits in your hand luggage. You can get it in HK cheap :) look for bargain.