10 new flight announcements

 

Listen out for these on your next trip as the world becomes crazier

AT LAST: good news for travelers. You don’t need to pay for massages any more. As soon as you get to the airport, you get a free, full-body rubdown from the security guards. It’s going to save some people a fortune.

Personally, I don’t find paunchy, sweaty men in uniform attractive, but a large proportion of the six billion-strong population of planet earth, and I am talking about two, maybe three people, probably do. Or maybe not.

But that’s the ONLY good news. Life in the air is going to get WAY tougher. The nightmare has started. Here are 10 flight announcements that I expect to hear on my next journey.

1. “Welcome to New Delhi. We hope you enjoyed your flight. Remember to collect your underpants from the coat cabinet before you leave the plane.”

2. “This is your captain speaking. We hope to have you at your destination in two hours, or four if the co-pilot and I are having a really good chat about scheduling and forget to land, as sometimes happens.”

3. “The temperature outside is a chilly minus ten degrees, but that’s because we are way up in the sky. Actually, I don’t know why we always tell you the outside temperature, as we recommend that you spend the entire flight inside.”

4. “If you are seated near to an emergency door and there is a child or a Fox News viewer in the door-side seat next to you, assume that they are unable to read and help them to follow crew instructions in the event of an emergency.”

5. “Gentlemen, please note that if smoke or flames are seen coming from your trouser flies, you will be assumed to be a terrorist or a MAJOR stud. In either case, you will be arrested. This includes Mr Woods, the golfer in first class.”

6. “If the masks descend and you are seated next to a member of Al Qaeda, put on your own mask first. Then hold the cord tightly around the terrorist’s neck and pull tightly when you hear the command: ‘Brace. Brace.’”

7. “The aviation authorities have asked us to increase security on the flight, so please switch off laptops, mobile phones and game machines. Also, heart patients are required to switch off their pacemakers. Flight attendants will attempt to revive you with cardiac massage after landing. Just in case they fail, let me take this opportunity to thank you now for choosing American Airlines for your final flight.”

8. “The captain has turned the seat belt sign off. However, members of terrorist groups are recommended to leave it loosely fastened for the duration of the flight, as it will impede any impulse you may have to set fire to your lap. You will thank us for this later.”

9. “We have now landed and would like you to disembark promptly. Due to the perilous state of airline finances, the last people to leave will have to clean the aircraft.”

10. “Let me remind you that it is illegal to smoke in the toilets, and from this week, it is also illegal to smoke from the parts of your body associated with toilets.”

Why are you smiling? You think I’m joking?
*

Technorati Tags: pilot announcements,airline humor,airport humor,pilot,jokes

Comments

[fardel]

This is your captain speaking
Passengers on the right side of the plane will see some smoke coming out of the toilets
Passengers on the left side of the plane will see some smoke coming out of the toilets

passengers in the back can look through the window.
Can you see a yellow circle on the sea?
Good!
It is called a liferaft
Can you see somebody waiving at you?
Good
it 's me
Airline operation told us there was a terrorist on board:Since our unions prohibit the use of negociations ( i.e we are not qualified to negociate with terrorists) we took evasive action.
They are now flying the plane

If you are lucky, they are pilots.If not, you will reach Heaven before us

[Angela]

LOL..

Single/divorced parents will make good negotiators, plenty of experience. Have to constantly negotiate and re-negotiate visitation rights, child support, holiday arrangements, discipline techniques, etc.

Parents in general must have good negotiation skills. Those manipulative little people who carry your genes/your name, a.k.a. your children, they are the ultimate terrorists.

[Big William]

Dear Nuri I have a very large object in my underpants.

I am worried that security guards will find it and harass me.

It is not removable.

I have always been rather proud of it, but now over-filled underpants may be a bit of a liability.

[TS]

What you don't want to hear when the captain is talking about the conditions outside the plane.

[Small Sara]

Dear Big Willie, er Big William, don't worry about having a large item in your underpants.

Airport security is not an erotic experience, and will cause it to shrink remarkably, making your problem disappear.

[Karuna]

Angela a.k.a. Small Sara !!

[fardel]

Angela aka mall Sarah?
i do not think so;
different style
Her sister , maybe?
Did you know that one hour before landing into the US , passengers have to stay seated, with their arms still?
Soon the airlines will put straitjacket on passengers from selected countries when boarding the aircraft.
The seats will be removed and those passengers will be stored , standing up, or will be stored like bottles of wines in a wine cellar.
The efficiency of air transportation will be improved, since the airline will be able to carry three to four times more passengers on each flight;
Can you imagine an Airbus 380 with a capacity of 2400 passengers ?
Wow , what a profit?!
If you want to be seated on those flights , you will have to shave your beard, lighten your skin , dye you hair in a lighter ( very lighter) color forget your middle East accent;, or better , you will have to ask your country to sell oil at a (below profit) price to the US of A
You will be able to buy European passports at the Embassy after three days of investigation.
No ,Angela , you cannot take the straitjacket from Hell 's Airlines as a souvenir.

[Chamin]

This is an actual announcement that I heard during my trip to Beijing last October:

"This is your captain speaking. We have turbulent weather about 30-40 minutes ahead of us. So, if you have something to do, please do it as soon as possible."

Luckily, most of the passengers were Chinese and Japanese :-p. From my seat, I could see two people laugh and one person panic.

I wrote the announcement on my iPhone immediately, I wish I could record this or copy it from the black box.

[Christy]

"Your captain would like to inform you that any passenger named Osama, Abdul-anything, Muhammed, etc, will be thrown off the plane intermittently throughout the flight."

[Angela]

Angela is always just always Angela. Although understandable that she would become a usual suspect ;-) comes with the territory. Hahaha.. Us truckers are used to it.

*

Fardel seems to be very perceptive of even very subtle differences. The benefit of maturity ;-)

*

about 5 Years ago on a swiss air flight from SG to Bangkok, I could already see the night lights of the city and was getting ready for landing when the announcement from the cockpit came (with heavy German accent) "good evening ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I'm afraid we have some bad news,....." at the words "bad news" you could hear collective sharp intake of breath and few muffled screams. I expected the worse and waited for "landing gears malfunctioned" or "engine failed" and thought of what will happen to my daughter and my family when I'm gone, is there really God, heaven and hell? Then the captain continued, "our scheduled landing would be delayed By 15 minutes due to unusually high traffic at suvarnabhumi because it was the last day of APEC and delegates were flying out."

The worst thing a pilot can say during flight is "bad news" made me instantly religious. It doesnt help that planes are getting bigger and more luxurious but the sound system is still mono. Like those little box speakers that came with walkman. And while I am at it, why do pilots talk like they have stuffy nose? Whats he doing in there with the co-pilot?

[:)]

Bless my soul. Let's close our eyes and pray to god my hand warmer in my back pocket will not suddenly heat up with excitement and start fuming out puffs of smoke...

[farah]

every time i fly in the national carrier, whenever the stewardess speak over the microphone i always hear snickers and teasing remarks cause of their bad accents. there was even a time when the announcement was over a bunch of guys started laughing aloud.

[Dancer]

Don't know if anyone remember around 8 years ago, Cathay Pacific fired a lot of their experienced pilots and recruited former Chinese fighter jet pilots for a fraction of the price in HK. During that period, I could really feel nose dives and air swoops between the London Hong Kong flights. No announcements though. They must be so used to it that they didn't bother to tell the frightened looking passengers.

[fardel]

Yes
As a pilot you do not fee the turbulences after you have got experience
as a passenger , in a cigar looking tube , you always feel the slightest bump .
in a small plane approaching the airport in our islands , it is funny to see the passengers hanging to anything they can grab, which would "prevent them form falling overboard"
one of our pilots had to see a doctor after a lady planted her fingernails in his thighs.
No.Angela , you cannot make comment son this oneeither

[ngela]

He was eating in a restaurant when he noticed the young trainee waiters were all wearing black shirt with white prints that says "I'm new at this but I always do my best!"
He asked where he could get this shirt.

When he next report for his own work he put on the new shirt. As passengers were getting settled inside the luxurious private jet, the captain walked out from the cockpit to greet them and said "Good morning folks! I'm your captain." and grinned widely as he pointed both index fingers at the message on his t-shirt.

[L P]

Dear Nury,

I refer to your column which appeared 12 January in The Standard, entitled: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking, honest."

Most of your 10 points were pretty good. But point 4 didn't make any sense at all. Why the slam on FoxNews and its viewers?

[Nury]

Thanks for the great comments and letters, everyone.

Thanks also for your question, L. P.

I am sure that you know that Fox News is famous as being the pro-Bush pro-Palin news channel.

It is widely accepted in the media that Fox News regularly distorts its news reports to make non-right-wing people (such as Obama) look as bad as possible.

There are many articles about this, here’s one at random: http://mediamatters.org/blog/200912080002

[P. B.]

This and yesterday's article ( re underpants) have made the rounds of our company worldwide.

There's people dying of laughter all over our company

Your daily needs a govt health warning : " Reading Mr Jam may seriously damage your health"

[sej]

Fardel,

I always wondered about that! Whether the pilots actually feel the turburlence, and if they know what the passengers go through...

I recall one flight out of Hong Kong... The Virgin Atlantic pilot of an Airbus A340 puts it right through the middle of two thunderstorms. As passengers, we got hit with an almightly wallop each time, and I always wondered if the pilots knew exactly what the passengers felt...

[sej]

Angela,

That's not bad news... "Bad News" is when there's no news...

Dragon Air out of Beijing during a dust storm... plane goes up, plane goes down. Plane goes up again.

Not a word to the passengers about what happend, not even when the crew finally make their normal inflight announcements.

[Angela]

Sej, it's a job perk of pilots to torment passengers. Afterall you make jokes about them so they get you back by flying through turbulence.

No fardel, you CANNOT object to this.

*

On a flight from Singapore to Manila on Philippine Airlines, everytime we hit turbulence there's a choir of "Hail Marys"
I love it! I figured if we crash my soul will just follow their souls. They should all know which way to heaven, right?

[sej]

One of the best flights I've ever been on, was Singapore Airlines between Singapore and KL... A Boeing 777, which didn't manage level flight at any point during the journey short of take off and landing. Admittedly, it's what, less than 45 minute flight?

There were thunderstorms the whole way, and, obviously, as the pilots went around one cell, they would have to turn back the other way to go around another.

[sej]

Big William,

I suspect Lorena Bobbit could argue about just how detachable said large object is...

[fardel]

@Angela

Every job has it own little pleasure.(°_°)
flying in turbulences with passengers is the mr Jam of aviation.
Stewardesses have to, report about the degree of color changes in the passengers complexion

A good airline pilot can turn a westerner into an asian ( yellow skinned ) and the opposite ( pale face);
they can also turn them read, without stressing the aircraft.
Jokes aside,
Airline pilots do their best to avoid turbulences, but sometimes the ride is rough.
it is still safe.
Sorry,Angela
You cannot stop me............

[Louise]

would anyone here be judgmental/panic if mid-flight, you find out that the pilot is a woman?

i am sooooo looking forward to your replies.

[TS]

Louise,

I would feel just as comfortable with a female pilot or captain.

Despite travelling intensively the last fourteen years, I have only once experienced a woman piloting the plane. It was a disturbing experience for other reasons. When we moved from Darwin to Perth, we drove through Kununurra, were the wife decided she wanted to see the Argyle diamond mine up close.
I thought it was an excellent idea, if she saw the industrial and very unromantic way that diamonds are mined by sweaty and dirty men, she might stop craving them (the diamonds, that is). It didn't work, diamonds really are a girl's best friend.

So we booked a day trip by plane to the mine.
When we turned up at the local airstrip, we were greeted by two tall kids, a boy and a girl. They turned out to be our pilots and guides for the day. Normally there would only be one pilot/guide, but the girl had just started with the company and was on the trip to learn the ropes of the tour.
Despite their towering heights, in our eyes they were mere children. We were in our early thirties and considered us young. So to have two youngsters, barely twenty, fly our plane seemed just... wrong!

[fardel]

I am going to make a lot of enemies in the macho population
I have trained a lot of ladies and I can assure everybody that they are really good.
Since they have to prove that they can fly as well as the guys , they work harder.
They fly with more precision and care than the big guys.
Check these comments :
http://www.spiegel.de/international/germany/0,1518,539373,00.html

[fardel]

Ts
you remind me of a story which I witnessed; I had helped a young guy to get his fist job with a local airline;he was 21 and his copilot was a 20 year old lady.
Passengers were sent to the planes and when they saw the two "kids" , they turned back to the terminal to ask where the pilots were.
We had a good laugh at them
Being the older guy on the spot (i.e44 at the time ) I assured the passengers that they were good:I had trained them/
I think that I did a good job, since the passengers went back to he plane.

[Mahjuja]

Hey Mr. Jam, I just read a piece on MSNBC (I think) about a boy named Michael Hicks whose name matches with a guy on the US internal security watch list and so he has been getting massages at the airport ever since he was 2 years old and he's 8 now! So he gets his massages not on vacation, but on his way to vacation destination apparently. AND he has blue eyes and blond hair! His mom says he may have terrorist tendencies at home but he does not show such tendencies in the airport or on the plane. What a joke. And who said news is boring?

[Uli]

Fardel, thanks a lot for your comments on lady pilots! :-)))
P.B.: You're so right! Our baby son came three-and-a-half weeks early because of my daily routine of visiting mr. jam's typepad... :-))))

[Finn]

Why do the crew always say 'We will be on the ground shortly' instead of the much more comforting 'We will land shortly' -- or are they just covering all bases?

[grandpa aka faye Libad aka fardel]

a pilot shows up at the gate of paradise

Welcome to paradise St Peter says;
For you,we reserved a villa with garden and swimming pool
Enjoy your stay

A priest is next
for you,we reserved a bed in the dormitory on the left side of paradise

But , but says the priest, why is the pilot getting the house and I am getting the dormitory?

It is simple my son:
In your church , every sunday people were spending their times chatting and gossiping or sleeping;
As for the pilot, for each landing of his twenty thousand hours of flight,each passenger was praying intensely.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2SBL6dgBBak&feature=related

[grandpa]

Dedicated to the ladies travellers who may not have enjoyed my last post about the same subject
Enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40O0lROkLWI