Holidays for cheapskates

How to spend almost nothing this Christmas season

GOOD MORNING, GANG. Oops, it’s past noon. Good afternoon then. Your humble narrator was up all night vomiting so I am making a slow start to the day. Must have eaten something bad. (Thinks: On the bright side, I will have a good excuse for packing in extra calories over the next few days.)

Thanks for the interesting comments on the meaning of Christmas.

Let’s build in another factor. I was talking to my sister on the phone last night, who just got back from the Climate Change Conference.

So here it is: the Post- Copenhagen Guide to Celebrating Holidays. Let’s all follow a program of de-commercializing Christmas and similar shindigs.

I'm consuming less because it's vital for the planet - in particular the 11-square centimeter block of Planet Earth known as My Wallet.
*
First, don't spend a fortune on tinsel and lights for your home. Simply take credit for everyone else's decorations. When Christmas lights went on in Central and Tsim Sha Tsui, I took my kids on a night- time bus tour.

"See? I decorated the city for us. Do you like it?" They were pretty impressed.

"Did you really do all that?" one asked.

I replied humbly: "Not by myself, dear, I had help."
*
Second, use climate change as an excuse to avoid paying for a real Christmas tree. "I was going to buy a three-meter-tall genuine imported spruce, but for the sake of the environment, decided that we should reuse the tatty old artificial tree from last year, despite the fact it has lost all its plastic pine needles, and looks like the arm of a petrified zombie."
*
Third, disguise your lack of spending on trimmings by the clever use of "spin."

"Wouldn't it be fun to try decorating the tree without any decorations? We'll just hang stuff on it that we find lying about. No, stop, put your sister down RIGHT NOW."
*
Fourth, turn chores into events. All parents know that if you say things in an excited tone of voice, children will think of them as fun things to do.

"Let's wrap parcels to send to relatives we don't like!”

“Let's spend four hours boiling a pudding!"

"Yay!"
*
Fifth, if you MUST buy stuff, avoid the brand-name versions and get cheap ones. "I know it's not a real iPod, but there's no Apple dealership at the North Pole, so Santa had to get this cheapo version."
*
Sixth, get yourself a bit of peace by elevating the song Silent Night to the status of a law. "Santa named the song Silent Night because you have to be really, REALLY quiet, otherwise he puts you on the naughty list for EVER AND EVER."
*
And here's the best idea to get the real holiday spirit going, as opposed to the Swire version (see yesterday's column). This really works.

The kids you know expect to get toys, right?

Well, get them to GIVE toys, too. Tell them to put their clean but unwanted toys into a box for Santa to take away in the middle of the night to give to poor children.

At the crack of dawn on Christmas Day, the kids will wake up and stampede to the living room, as usual.

But instead of "look what I got," they'll race past their gifts to the terrace where they put their old stuff.

"Look," your child will say, her eyes as big as planets, "Santa came and took our old toys away to give to poor children."

The gifts your kids are about to receive will remain completely forgotten under the tree.

For about 10 seconds. But what a deep and meaningful 10-second period that is. Ho ho ho.

 

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Comments

[cris c]

the last idea was genius and inspiring, nury. it's a nice time to build children's character, while they are not yet heavily influenced by anything but good family. i'm beginning to understand now how some people can be so giving, and it all comes back to how they were brought up as kids. i'm not selfish but i'm also not THAT generous. in the future, i would want my kids to be inspiring adults in this way... you know? effortlessly!

[Christy]

Get well soon Nury!

There was a guy (in the US I think) who didn't want to lose out to his neighbour's extravagant Christmas decorations. So after his neighbour was done putting all the lights out, he simply got a string a bulbs and spelled a huge "Ditto" on his wall.

[Jason]

I recall a teacher in school, too many years ago now to say when, who told us his philosophy that I never forgot. He bought his kid a brand new bike for Christmas, but it was conditional that he had to give up some old toys for kids in orphanages and hospitals...if not, the bike went to the orphanage instead. I'm not a fan of blackmail, but I liked the underlying sentiment of taking the kid to give older toys to those in hospitals and orphanages and building some character in the little bast...er, munchkin.

As to green Christmases, I also agree with not cutting down trees for a week of decoration. And I ask my friends and family to send e-cards rather than paper ones, as I do the same. My wife insisted, who also reads this column daily in the Standard, that I relax my environmentalist/secularist attitude enough for her to put up a few decorations so as not to spoil her cheer.

Speaking of Christmas trees...what do ornaments have in common with a Priest's testicles? They're both only for decoration. Good night folks, I'm here all week, remember to tip your waitress!

[Angela]

Nury, let your kids be Santa this Christmas.

*

For her birthday, we collect her old toys (it's amazing how much plastic toys one small person can own), clothes, and books and I bought food, drinks, and cake and we got on a cab to go to the local orphanage.

My daughter gets to personally deliver the presents and she had a very good birthday party playing games with the kids there.

Now she doesn’t bug me to buy her stuffs, and the best of all, she doesn’t bug me to “join” her and her father on vacations. She understands that you don’t have to receive to be happy, you can be happy by giving and you can have a fun party even if it’s not at McDonalds. She also understands that not all children have Mommy and Daddy together, some have none and they are still happy family.

I owe a lot to that orphanage.

[Angela]

Hey Jason, can I borrow your joke for the next time I see my parish priest?

:)

[fardel]

At times when things were rough, after the passing of two major hurricanes,and when Christmas was coming I could not afford to buy anything for my (then) 4 -year old daughter.
I went to this woodwork place .
They throw bits of wood which cannot be used .
I chose the best hardwood pieces I could find, the ones without cracks or blemishes
I cut them into pieces of equal shapes, squares, rectangles, square sticks, short sticks and long sticks
then I waxed them and polished them to a shine;
I made a mini wooden pirate trunk for a neat presentation
For a few years it was her toys of choices ( she would invite her neighbors to play in her castle/bus /plane: condominium , or whatever her imagination could create.)
In worst case, they would pong on the wood, extracting different sound (hard wood makes a beautiful sound ),and they would have concerts for hours.
Today , 13 years later , the trunk is still there , with the pieces still neatly organized inside.
It is not going to being thrown away that soon.
On the same Christmas I baked the hugest cake I could think of, and we decorated (and ate it) it together.
This year again I shall go greener;
For my friends, there will be baskets of fine food products which I bought in a small local "factory " in France on my last trip, presented in a bamboo basket, and cushioned by shredded wrap paper from last Chrismas ( the long shred that can be spitted by you Office shredder)

For me, Christmas is giving from the heart, not from the shop.
When in the course of the year I see good deals on fine products, I buy them and store them.
When Christmas come , My special storage is where I shop.

For you guys(girls, and angel(a)s , I had a postcard ready yesterday, but being electronically clumsy I had no success in uploading it.
Anybody with tip?
How to post a .pps file here ?

Thank you

Note to Uncle Nury
I wish you feel better soon, but I would give you some advice: Champagne and foie gras are tough on the liver
Watch out

[Jason]

Be my guest. I have a whole bunch of Priest jokes, but some of them require visualizations not suited to this medium ;)

[fardel]

wow
I cannot stop being impressed by your posts, your philosophy, your good humor your good.....

How many philosphers post their comments here, under the signature of Angela?

[Angela]

Christmas means potluck party for me and friends. Self-appointed host and organizer, I assign who brings what for the party.

Me: Joy you bring wine, Abhesh bring pizza, Cheng Hoon bring bee hoon, Eric bring dessert, Nerie bring spaghetti, etc..

Joy: And what are you bringing?

Me: ofcourse, the most important assignment, I am bringing jokes and entertainment.

***

And that's how you can be a cheapskate on Christmas and still make everyone enjoy the party.
At least they get to go home after, I still have to clean up.

[fardel]

Here is a good receipe for Christmas
It is called omelette norvégienne
1 bake a rectangular 1.5 inch thick sponge cake
2 cool it down
3 beat up egge whites with white sugar, preferably vanilla flavored
4 Heat up your oven to high broil temperature
5 put your favorite ice cream on the sponge cake
6 cover it with a thick layer of the egg white preparation ( it will act as an insulator)
7 bake until light brown ( a few seconds should do)
8 Water it generously with Rum
9 set it on fire
10 serve without delay
11 Enjoy it
11 Become the Prince(ss) of the night

[farah]

i never saw snow, christmas celebration, stockings, how the kids gush over fake santa clauses in real life but merely in movies and cartoons. :( :( :(
it looks so surreal. all the colors, fun and joy. and now reading all these posts makes me....jealous, actually. all of you should post lots of pics of Christams for those of us who never saw any such celebrations.

[sej]

Nury,

I hope you're feeling better!

Angela,

We do something similar. Each year, someone from the very extended, including the only very vaguely related by marriage and can't remember who it was they married but it was someone, family, hosts the Do. So that we're not spending huge quantities of money, except on the kids, the hosts organises a few weeks before a "Kris Kringle". Of the adults (usually about 25), everyone gets assigned a name of someone else attending, and they have to purchase a gift with something like a AUD20 (HKD150) limit. The exception is the kids(9 at last count), we're allowed to go to town for them.

Farah,

It's funny... surprisingly often, kids are actually frightened of (the fake) Santas... Not sure about the real ones though :-)

[Angela]

Angela's vanilla sponge cake, still warm from the oven.
Not as fancy as omelette norvégienne but I may decorate it with fondant icing or sugar icing...if I am not too tired..else it will be gifted plain, or I will stick plastic rain deers and santa on top and make it more christmasy

Yup, I don't buy, I bake my presents. Low maintenance.

Merry Christmas folks!!!

[fardel]

You are almost there
Yummy looking
You just need a few eggs white, sugar and an ice cream preferably strawberry or rasberry
from there to an omelette norvégienne it takes only 15 minutes
If you have patience I shall stop by to make one for you before the end of the century

[Mike]

Nury, I thought you would be amused with the result when I searched your name at Santa Barbara's Library Author Search
Save Search | Open Search Options

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Searching for: VITTACHI Did you mean fetish?

Matches: 2 Displaying titles 1 - 2 Page: [1]


2004

1. The feng shui detective Add to My List
by Vittachi, Nury, 1958-

[sej]

Fardel,

Too hot here for cakes... and I imagine it's not too different in the Carribean, or Singapore for that matter...

Bowl of vanilla icecream splashed with a nip of vodka.

[fardel]

I think that omelette norvegienne (norwegian omelette ) is very well suited for hot weather, with a big splash of rum

[farah]

the cake looks yum. anyone got recipe for gooey dark chocolate cake??

speaking of the holiday season here Christmas means one day off (this time no day off coz it's weekend) and sleeping till late or watching the Xmas specials on TV. since it's a minor community there're new clips of them going to Churches or going for promotional offers in differnt hotels around the city.

another reason why december is the holiday season beause there's a rush of people getting married. for that they have to take minimun 1 month off for all their preps and ceremonies. there are usually 4 different days alloted for 4 different programs,

day 1: turemeric applyling day for the bride
day 2: turmeric applying day for the groom
day 3: the wedding, program held from girl's family
day 4: reception, from guy's family.

the days are not set on consecutive days but follow the above sequence. another day can also be added if they hold a ceremony for applying henna on the bride's hands.

until now i have 8 wedding invitations, 3 already over, 1 i already attended and the rest that i'm going to skip.

[mourning mucus]

@ farah

I hear you :(
I've celebrated x-mas once and didn't even get the cake. No trees or chocolates... just some singing. It certainly didn't live up to the expectation.

It's actually weird that I don't have any christian friends. I thought of attending x-mas parties in five star hotels... but the cost seems way too much :S

Also, I've stopped attending weddings. What's the point of being all dressed up and eat free food with complete strangers?