Four holiday jobs to do

Here’s a checklist  of things to achieve this season

THE WORLD’S MAJOR holiday season events are in full swing: Christmas, Hanukkah, Bodhi Day, the birthday of our family’s hamster, and so on. This is a time when we step back from our busy lives and ask ourselves key questions about our core values: Are we shopping enough? Are we over-eating enough?

“Yes, yes, way too much already,” comes the reply from a tiny voice, which may be my conscience, or possibly my accountant. But years of training have given me the ability to instantly beat my conscience into submission.

And my accountant, come to that.

Hah! A quick right hook to the side of the head drops either one of them to the floor, after which they can be dragged to the spare room and locked up. We cannot be distracted from vital tasks.

Job one: buy over-priced cards and send them to people to throw away.

At the greeting card shop, I saw a beautiful card which said: “You have a new baby”, which I bought in case I meet someone who has given birth without noticing. (You never know.)

There was also a card which said: “You have passed your driving test” which I bought for my son. It will be much cheaper than paying for driving lessons. He can show it to police officers who stop him on the road: “Look, I have this card, see?”

Job two: Organize festive meals with family members.

This is challenging. My clan spans many cultures, religions, countries and sexes. Getting them together is like organizing a G20 summit but with fewer rocket-proof limousines (possibly). Usually I remember to give the right greeting to each family member but occasionally I forget, and have to say: “Happy whatever-it-is-that-you-celebrate! Hope you’re having a good thing!”

Job three: Exchange long-distance greetings with far-flung family members.

This involves various methods of cross-border communication, including international phone calls, internet video links, voodoo, black magic and the chanting of names while chicken blood is splashed around.

Job four: Celebrate one’s traditions while respecting other people’s.

My kids are modern and multicultural. They’ll happily carry Dewali candles and suck Chinese winter-festival sweets while sitting on Santa Claus’s knee at a shopping mall. “And what are you hoping for this Christmas?” Santa once asked my youngest. “Didn’t you get my email?” she barked, horrified.
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Even my bigger kids cling to traditions, but only where the receiving of gifts or cash is involved. After I told them that the year they stop believing in Santa Claus is the year they start getting sweaters, they instantly regained their faith in the fat guy with questionable clothing choices (I mean, red velour for an adult male?).
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December rocks. Everybody’s celebrating something, and all the parties share one goal: to consume obscene amounts of food. I once went straight from a Chinese winter solstice meal to an American turkey-and-trimmings feast. By 10 pm my width equaled my height. Had I fallen over, I would have rolled several kilometers.
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This year, my kids have been telling me to consume less, spend less and try to remember that it’s really about peace and goodwill to all. In the distance, I hear my conscience banging on a locked door. Or it may be my accountant.
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Technorati Tags: Christmas humor

Comments

[Christy]

I saw a get-well card that says "you will feel better when you feel better".

It sounds like one of those gleanings of oriental wisdom from CF Wong :)

[sej]

Job 1: Hmm... does that account for why people seem to have forgotten how to drive these last two days?

Job 2: "My clan spans many ... sexes"?? Are you an alien species?? :-)

Job 3: Ahhh.... *That's* where the chicken gravy comes from!

Job 4: Sorry, it must have gone into my Junk Mail folder.

[Kynthia Alice]

@sej

You must either be white or embrace european culture.

Native Americans have many different genders (or sexes if that word pleases you more) I myself am neither Male or Female, I am Winkte, a raiser of children and held in high regard by my people.

Welcome to my alien species, and no, I do not want your blankets.

[Gwyllgi]

To Kynthia Alice,
it's good to know that two-spirited are respected in your community. in our parts of Asia if you can't make the society identify yourself as a sole male or a sole female existent you are in BIG trouble.
take care & merry Christmas......

[sej]

Kynthia,

Intriging... I never knew Native Americans saw themselves as being one of many sexes. It is actually an interesting scientific question on how many sexes there are. There may be two physical sexes, but within them, are there more...?

My personal thoughts suggest there is actually only just one sex, which is made up of different spectrums, and we merely have different positions along those spectrums. Those spectrums cover different things, such as our physical attributes, such as how violent or passive we are, our sexual tendencies, or how likely we are to have small families versus large families, etc.

[sej]

Kynthia,

Oh, "You must either be white or embrace european culture."

I prefer to think of myself as "human". I don't know if I can be pigeon holed so easily when it comes to culture.

I am white (Australian so essentially of European descent), but I don't have a Christmas Tree, and today went to Yum Cha for Breakfast/Lunch, and cooked 三杯雞 (San Bei Chicken) and 菜心 (Choy Sum) for dinner.

[Angela]

Sej, interesting concept about one sex many spectrum. You really freak me out. It explains a lot about how some people just dont fit into standard molds.

I think I will make some dumplings and think about that while i am rolling out the dough.

Btw, Do you watch twilight zone?

[fardel]

wow
I just spent time learning about the winkte in American Indian culture.
It is VERY interesting
I learned something today.
It seems to me that those cultures were wiser than our modern society, with its "cataloging "habits.
Does it make us , single parents winkte, having to be a father and a mother.
Got to go too, I need to
- bake a French bread ,
- cook shrimp in curry sauce
- prepare Caribbean cakes called "sucre à coco",
- prepare a norwegian omelette,
- take care of two medical flights
- And change the brake pads on my car, while my couscous is simmering
Am I an alien?

[Gwyllgi]

to fardel, you noticed it just now!

[fardel]

yes