10 best holiday jokes

10 reasons top teachers are like Santa and other seasonal laughs

Thanks for all the good advice for things to do at Christmas.

 

The flaming snowy ice-cream cake from Fardel (pic above) sounds fantastic.

I was also touched by the message from Farah in Bangladesh in the previous posting, reminding us that there are places which hardly celebrate Christmas at all. 

Farah, my friends tell me that the new Christmas Carol movie really captures the spirit—I’m sure you must get the latest movies there, at least.

This morning, my kids were watching The Grinch.

That’s a great movie, even for adults, but you HAVE to set aside your adult concerns and pretend to be eight years old again.

But then again, there’s not much time. For people who do celebrate Christmas, it’s actually a lot of work.

For parents of small children in particular, Christmas is just like working at the office. You do all the actual work, but some big fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.

This is particularly true for a reader named Sue, who works as a researcher in a university. She says that there are a suspiciously large number of similarities between typical senior professors and Santa Claus. Consider the following:

10 Reasons Santa is Like Your Professor

1) He has shaggy hair.

2) He has a beard.

3) He wears unfashionable clothes which make him look ridiculous.

4) He is fat.

5) You are expected to write to him, but he never writes back.

6) You can give him a list of things you want, but you have almost no chance of getting anything on it.

7) He lives in his own world, which seems entirely unconnected to real life.

8) He does around one day of actual work every year.

9) He is surrounded by practical people who do stuff that needs to be done on his behalf.

10) He seems to be several centuries out of date.
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There’s a lot of humor going around this season. A small child named Mandy wrote the following email to me: “Knock Knock. Who's there? Mary. Mary who?  Mary Christmas.”

So I sent her this one in return: “Why do reindeer wear fur coats? Because they look silly in Armani cashmere suits.”

You know, I much prefer kid-jokes to the kind of ghastly, unfunny, risqué stuff that passes for humor on the Internet these days. In fact, while I am in an excessively silly mood, here are my ten favourite child-friendly jokes for the season.

1) Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?

A: Polish, or North Polish to be precise.

2) Q: What do monkeys sing at Christmas?

A: Jungle bells, jungle bells.

3) Q: What did Adam say to his girlfriend on December 24th?

A: 'It's Christmas, Eve.'

4) Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? 

A: A subordinate Claus.

5) Q: What bird has wings but cannot fly?

A: Roast turkey.

6) Q: What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?

A: A pineapple.

7) Q: What did the little candle say to the big candle?

A: I'm going out tonight.

8) Q: Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?

A: No, you can have roast goose like the rest of us.

9) Q: What happens if you eat the Christmas decorations?

A: You get tinsel-itus.

10) Q: What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?

A: Cross mouse cards.
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By the way, over the past months, readers have sent me Buddhist humor, Islamic jokes and even a Daoist laugh or two.

Yes, Asians DO have a sense of humor, contrary to popular belief. Keep them coming, and I’ll make a database of them, which will quite possibly be the most important stash of documents in the world and the thing most likely to bring up World Peace, or World War III.
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One more seasonable joke to fill up the space:

How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb?

Eight. One to screw in the light bulb and seven to hold Rudolph down.

Merry Christmas.

 

Technorati Tags: christmas jokes,christmas humor

Comments

[Mike]

A joke from my Kentucky Home

What was the occupation of the three wise men?

They were firemen

cause they come from "a far"

[sara]

Darth Vader knew what Luke was getting for Christmas. He felt his presence.

Would a fear of Kris Kringle be Claus-trophobia?

At Christmas, we always have a gift exchange at my house. She exchanges what I give her, and I usually have to exchange what she gets me.

Finally, in postal news, the US Postal Service announced it will handle nearly 27 billion pieces of mail this holiday season. In preparation for the onslaught, it was announced they will be taking appropriate steps. They plan to open a second window at the counter.

[Jason]

8) Q: Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?

A: No, you can have roast goose like the rest of us.

Was this a Christmas in Asia by any chance?

[Karn]

Q: What goes "ho ho ho" *Plop*

A: Santa Claus laughing his head off in the toilet.

And I'm always reminded by all the Christmas songs we used to sing as kids, except with the lyrics completely changed to say something quite nasty. In a funny way of course.

[Karn]

I remember singing this in the playground back in primary school for a lark:

To the tune of Jingle Bells

Santa Claus, Santa Claus
Santa Claus is dead.
Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear,
Shot him in the head.
Barbie doll, Barbie doll,
Tried to save his life.
But GI Joe from Mexico
Stabbed her with a knife.

[TS]

Mother to child: "Tomorrow when you wake up it is Christmas".

Next morning.

Child: "Whoopee! it is Christmas!"

Mother: "No it's not, Aprils Fool!"

[Mike]

For my kids in primary school it is

Jingle bells, Batman smells,
Robin laid an egg
Batmobile lost a wheel
and Joker does Ballet

[Angela]

oh what a happy Christmas!!!

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Here's my joke, as usual, it involves men.

A man goes through 3 stages.

First he believes in Santa...

Then he doesn't believe in Santa...

Finally he's Santa.

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MERRY CHRISTMAS GANG!!!!