HOT NEWS FROM the afterlife. Several psychics now claim they can contact dead celebrities using Twitter, a web system that enables short messages (“tweets”) to be transmitted to multiple recipients (“followers”) by Twitter users (“pathetic idiots”).
Being a bit of a pathetic idiot myself, I couldn’t resist trying this. But how do you get in contact with dead people? First, I went to Twitter.com and looked up St Peter, who is said to hold the keys to heaven. I found him.
ME: So, St Peter, are you a Twitter user?
ST PETER: Of course I am. Who knows more hot news stories than me!? I mean, you won’t BELIEVE who I’ve just rejected from heaven! It’s the one and only
ME: The one and only who?
ST PETER: Sorry, I ran out of space. We are only allowed 140 characters. The person who has just been rejected from heaven, is, get this, none other than
ME: None other than who? Did you run out of characters again?
ST PETER: I did. Anyway, what can I do for you? Do you want regular Twitter updates on who’s in and who’s out?
ME: No. I want to see if I can use Twitter to contact dead celebs. I want to send a question to their mobile phones.
ST PETER: People in heaven don’t have mobile phones!
ME: They don’t? How do they keep in touch with each other? How do they survive (so to speak)?
ST PETER: They have an amazing, magical, celestial device. They just flutter their fingers over it, and it enables them to talk to people far away, hear music, summon memories, anything they want.
ME: You mean they have iPhones?
ST PETER: Yes, that’s what they’re called.
ME: Please forward this question to their iPhones: “So, what’s it like being dead?”
ST PETER: Fine. I’ll send it out right now and channel the answers back to you.
Ten minutes later the responses flowed back.
JOHN LENNON: Staff make my life miserable. They never let me forget that I sang, “Imagine there’s no heaven; it’s easy if you try.”
MICHAEL JACKSON: The afterlife stinks! Ninety-nine percent of people are old! There are no kids!
FRANK SINATRA: If I can make it here I’ll make it anywhere, it’s up to me, Heaaaven, heeaaaven.
HEATH LEDGER: Why so serious?
DR SEUSS: They serve me green eggs and ham! Every day. I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them in a house. I do not like them with a mouse. I keep repeating this but they think I am mad.
ME: I can’t think why.
SHAKESPEARE: Greetings. I say only this. The undiscover'd country from whose bourn no traveller returns, puzzles the Will.
SIGMUND FREUD: They make me share a house with my mom. It’s SO embarrassing.
ELVIS: Oh babe it’s so lonely baby, oh babe it’s so lonely ah could die.
ME: But Elvis, you’re already dead.
ELVIS: Oh yeah. I forgot.
ME: We’re still buying your records down here. Millions of us.
ELVIS. Is that so? Wow. I’m all shook up.
ELVIS: Unh-ha. Unh-ha. Yay-yay yeah.
I agree with Sheilajade that the ongoing saga of Angela and her social life is really interesting. All we can do is hope for regular updates. As to comments concerning whether she really exists or not, I was interested to receive this piece of artwork depicting her at work. Clearly her workmates think she exists, and have even commissioned an artist to preserve her for posterity. “The adventures of Angela” has definitely become a top topic on this web site.
And thanks, Bill for the origins of the Axe Effect story. Shame it was too good to be true. On the same subject, I was intrigued by the news that guys can now get a spray that makes you smell like chocolate. Where was this product when I was young and single and could make use of it?!