Twitters from the afterlife

 

Elvis, Jacko and gang can now be reached by modern technology

HOT NEWS FROM the afterlife. Several psychics now claim they can contact dead celebrities using Twitter, a web system that enables short messages (“tweets”) to be transmitted to multiple recipients (“followers”) by Twitter users (“pathetic idiots”).

Being a bit of a pathetic idiot myself, I couldn’t resist trying this. But how do you get in contact with dead people? First, I went to Twitter.com and looked up St Peter, who is said to hold the keys to heaven. I found him.

ME: So, St Peter, are you a Twitter user?

ST PETER: Of course I am. Who knows more hot news stories than me!? I mean, you won’t BELIEVE who I’ve just rejected from heaven! It’s the one and only

ME: The one and only who?

ST PETER: Sorry, I ran out of space. We are only allowed 140 characters. The person who has just been rejected from heaven, is, get this, none other than

ME: None other than who? Did you run out of characters again?

ST PETER: I did. Anyway, what can I do for you? Do you want regular Twitter updates on who’s in and who’s out?

ME: No. I want to see if I can use Twitter to contact dead celebs. I want to send a question to their mobile phones.

ST PETER: People in heaven don’t have mobile phones!

ME: They don’t? How do they keep in touch with each other? How do they survive (so to speak)?

ST PETER: They have an amazing, magical, celestial device. They just flutter their fingers over it, and it enables them to talk to people far away, hear music, summon memories, anything they want.

ME: You mean they have iPhones?

ST PETER: Yes, that’s what they’re called.

ME: Please forward this question to their iPhones: “So, what’s it like being dead?”

ST PETER: Fine. I’ll send it out right now and channel the answers back to you.
*
Ten minutes later the responses flowed back.

JOHN LENNON: Staff make my life miserable. They never let me forget that I sang, “Imagine there’s no heaven; it’s easy if you try.”

MICHAEL JACKSON: The afterlife stinks! Ninety-nine percent of people are old! There are no kids!

FRANK SINATRA: If I can make it here I’ll make it anywhere, it’s up to me, Heaaaven, heeaaaven.

HEATH LEDGER: Why so serious?

DR SEUSS: They serve me green eggs and ham! Every day. I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them in a house. I do not like them with a mouse. I keep repeating this but they think I am mad.

ME: I can’t think why.

SHAKESPEARE: Greetings. I say only this. The undiscover'd country from whose bourn no traveller returns, puzzles the Will.

SIGMUND FREUD: They make me share a house with my mom. It’s SO embarrassing.
*

After that, there was silence. But then I got one more Twitter message.
*

ELVIS: Oh babe it’s so lonely baby, oh babe it’s so lonely ah could die.

ME: But Elvis, you’re already dead.

ELVIS: Oh yeah. I forgot.

ME: We’re still buying your records down here. Millions of us.

ELVIS. Is that so? Wow. I’m all shook up.

ME: Really?

ELVIS: Unh-ha. Unh-ha. Yay-yay yeah.

Time to stop Twittering for today. Amen.
*
*
MEANWHILE, IN RESPONSE to a flood of comments and emails yesterday…

I agree with Sheilajade that the ongoing saga of Angela and her social life is really interesting. All we can do is hope for regular updates. As to comments concerning whether she really exists or not, I was interested to receive this piece of artwork depicting her at work. Clearly her workmates think she exists, and have even commissioned an artist to preserve her for posterity. “The adventures of Angela” has definitely become a top topic on this web site.

And thanks, Bill for the origins of the Axe Effect story. Shame it was too good to be true. On the same subject, I was intrigued by the news that guys can now get a spray that makes you smell like chocolate. Where was this product when I was young and single and could make use of it?!

See ya.

 

Technorati Tags: Twitter humor,Twitter

Comments

[Jamil Din]

Michael Jackson posted in his afterlife Twitter, he actually made mockery of his plan for the UK concert tours. He foresees no reason to perform a series of high energy concerts at his age when simply R.I.P can do the job even better. Just take a good look at million copies of his albums snapped up and ‘This Is It Movie’ (or rather documentary) hit the box office.

[TS]

I was intrigued by the news that guys can now get a spray that makes you smell like chocolate. Where was this product when I was young and single and could make use of it?!

It's a bit like your parents hanging a lamb chop from a string around your neck, so at least the dog would play with you.

[Christy]

If guys smell like chocolate I'd probably think they gorged themselves on it and then didn't brush their teeth/drink water, or was a sloppy eater spilling bits all over themselves.

[farah]

fart smelling deodorant might capture huge sales considering the target market are girls (or guys) who wants to repel opposite gender they dont like. the catch is they might also repel someone of the opposite gender they do like.

[fardel]

Something is missing in this article
You did not mention our good friend Superbush

Now I know
It is true, I have the proof
Angela is a fictional character, good looking though;
Thank you Nury!
I was starting to look like a fool

[Christy]

Farah: If they really had fart deodorant,I think Sej would buy up every bottle avaiable...since he likes revenge by farting :D

[Momo]

I don't think you're supposed to fart-spray yourself... Aren't you supposed to spray it on those you don't like?

I mean, unless those unfortunate people have no sense of smell there's no way that person would not notice it!

[sej]

Christy,

What can I say? You know me too well! :-P

But I don't need to buy any spray. A couple of cracked (but not broken) eggs left for a day or two under a hot sun will do the job nicely. :-)

[Christy]

My all time nightmare scenario would be: Walking up the stairs to the upper deck of a bus, and the guy in front of me farting right in my face --

Thankfully that has never happened. But Sej if I ever make you angry, and then you mention here you're coming to HK, I might really have to start worrying :)

[sej]

Christy, Yeap, better not to upset me, otherwise you'd better watch out! Errr... or should that be "sniff out"?? :-)

[Rika]

Well, and you even have 3 fans on Twitter...

[Rika]

... oh, found 5 more... and all women...

[Rika]

Nury, you are such a lucky man - and all without Axe - she is a fan of yours but could easily munch you down for breakfast - bestselling author and attorney - http://twitter.com/LadyCrimeWriter

How does he do that... ?

[farah]

and he complains of not having chocolate flavored Axe earlier? huh!

[Leo]

Nury, actually one of my friends happened to get the perfume you asked for. Yes, it is in chocolate flavor. Yes, it surely makes chocoholics (like me) want to get a bite on her...(don't get it in the nasty sense)

I'll ask her where she got that and how much it costs, reports from me later.

(Sorry for my late comment too, just got back my feet walking on the ground now; I got a serious allgeric reaction yesterday)

[Leo]

Nury, that MBA Dissertation guy, you'd better check his website, I think I am getting myself a dissertation too. But by myself probably.

[Rika]

Hehe, I always thought to be able to write a thesis is part of a PhD/MBA. Well, he/she found a way to pay the bills, smart move!

[Soothsayer]

Saddam Hossain: The world must be better off without me but the heaven would be worst off with Mr. Bush

[Rika]

It's like a deep murky pond... the deeper I dig in Twitter the more Mr Jam fans I find.

Nury you should consider to get an account! Then become cult like @StephenFry who regularly crashes people's servers on reposting links and then announce your books. You eventually might get stinking rich! ... and then you give me some of your financial wealth for this suggestion...

[farah]

maybe it's Nury's rose colored shades that does the trick =)

[Nury]

Rika, thanks for your info on Twitter. It kinda intrigues me, but on the other hand it seems pretty scary as well.

It must be hard to say interesting things at regular intervals.

Stephen Fry had one of his famous meltdowns a couple of weeks ago when one of his fans said he was kind of boring.

Anyway, I shall have a look at your Twitter posts and learn from you. At the moment, Twitter I don't understand, while blogs I DO understand.

I think that the secret of writing a blog is to not have a computer.

If you are sitting in front of a computer all day, you have an opportunity to write down your adventures -- but you have NO opportunity to HAVE any adventures.

If you are not tied down to a desk and computer, but just spend your day wandering around doing things, then you have a lot of adventures and meet people you can write about -- but you have no spell of desk time in which to write your stories and transmit them.

Both options have problems, but I prefer the second.

So the answer, for me, anyway, is to wander around all day and do things and meet people -- and then have a brief spell of time at some ooffee shop or somewhere in which I get access to a computer and hammer it out to upload.

Judging from your website, you are like me: you also spend most of your time having real-life adventures, with occasional visits to a computer.

[Angela]

Nury! I agree with your preference for second option but now I have a better option. It's called iPhone, or you can use any other smart phone that allows you to connect to internet. I go around having adventures and when I take a break at Borders or any other place with free wireless broadband, I just pound away my observations. But also the small screen keyboard slows me down a lot and my sprllung deteriorated.

I am also addicted to real-life adventures and years ago when I got my first ibook, I was a prolific blogger with loads of loyal and admiring fans (my father, my mother, my sisters and their friends, cousins, aunties, neighbors, and some of my own friends before they realized I was blogging about their bloopers too..then they upgraded from fans status to become my fierce critics..hehehe)

If I were to tweet I would probably say something like: "Opinion is like a booger, everyone has it and wants to get it out and wipe it somewhere. Don’t wipe your booger on me."

[Rika]

Oh, I'm with Angela. iPhone is the best thing that happened to me recently. And well, Twitter is like any other networking site - one has to put a bit of an effort in once in a while and then there is a good chance of having a harvest when needed. I have found wonderful contacts like Elizabeth Briel, one of Nury's fans, who is a fantastic artist, travelling all over Asia and feeding me with information about places I CAN'T go.

Well, or sometimes I just tweet a little rant to let off steam and sometimes I get a lovely little tweet back that brightens my day. Depends on how you use it, really. Only because one has an account doesn't mean one has an obligation to tweet every hour ;o)and as of good ol' StephenFry... For now he survives as his alter ego MrsStephenFry. We all have times when everything annoys, we just want to hide and be left alone, I guess. Public faces just have it a bit more difficult then...

[Jenny Mercer]

LoL, LoL...

LoL, LoL...
LoL, LoL...

can't stop laughing here.. :D

[Jenny Mercer]

LoL, LoL...

LoL, LoL...
LoL, LoL...

can't stop laughing here.. :D

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