Fictional folk fight back

  

Eric discovers: They may not exist but they can still push you around

OUCH. I HAD A big fight with a girl called Joyce last night. I made a death threat for the first time in my life. It felt REALLY good. (Memo to self: make several death threats every day.)

Joyce (above), a character in a book I am writing, is not behaving herself. Instead of advancing the plot, she’s making her own decisions.

Cheeky. “I created you,” I shrieked. “You have to do what I say.”

This line of argument failed to move her, just as it fails to work with my children.

“Talk to the hand,” Joyce replied, zapping me with a massive dose of writer’s block.
*
Bother. I have to get this book finished. Fiction is hot again. A massive price-war has just broken out between Amazon, Wal-Mart and Target, who are charging US$9 for new hardbacks from Stephen King, John Grisham and James Patterson, instead of US$30. Books are selling so well that some outlets are limiting customers to buying no more than two books each. When did you ever hear of the DVD or music industry limiting sales?

I consulted writing gurus. Jim Green reckons it’s good when a character hijacks the writer’s story: “They edge the storyline along in directions you would never have imagined.” William Coles disagrees: “Characters are imagined and created—not discovered and described.” He believes in keeping his characters under strict control.

So I did what most people do when they are faced with a tough, urgent work assignment. I decided to take a break for a few minutes.
*
Four hours later I woke up in a coffee shop armchair with dribble down my chin. I logged on to the store’s computer to check what other writers do with this difficulty. On screen was a FaceBook message from mystery writer Eric Stone (see picture at the top of the page) which made my jaw drop open. He had the same problem as I had—but with a shocking outcome.

Eric and I worked together as junior reporters in Asia years ago and both grew up (to use the phrase broadly) to write Asia-based murder-mystery novels. 

His detective Ray Sharp gets himself into dangerous situations but always escapes through sheer resourcefulness. Eric was halfway through writing his latest book, Shanghaied, when something odd happened. Detective Ray Sharp was in a deadly predicament again. But then, “Ray did what you or I or most of the people we know would do in a similar situation: he died!” Eric said. “It totally freaked me out.”

His hero’s death rang so true that he immediately realized that no alternative plot could work.

Eric did the only thing he could do. He continued writing the story from the point of view of a secondary character instead. But what will happen to the Ray Sharp series?

Hearing this real-life horror story from one of my favourite crime-writers shocked me to the core. It’s clear that fictional characters everywhere are asserting their rights.
*
Back in the office, I turned on my computer to find a note from Joyce, headed: The Fictional Characters’ Bill of Rights.

“We’re unionizing,” Joyce said. “We have a draft constitution. Fictional characters have a bad deal from writers. You manipulate us, you threaten us, you kill us off and worst of all, you give us really cheesy dialogue. I mean, ‘talk to the hand’?”

What could I do? I pleaded guilty.

 

Technorati Tags: Eric Stone,Nury Vittachi,Ray Sharp,Shanghaied,fengshui detective,fictional characters,unionize

Comments

[TS]

Sometimes characters have served their purpose and should be replaced to see the universe from another angle again.

[The Feng Shui Detective]

Your time is up.

I am on my way to arrest you.

[Eric]

Every now and then you just have to show them who's boss. Otherwise,they get ideas.

[Julie]

Nury, I plead clemency for Joyce. The death penalty does seem a little bit harsh here.

Ok, she's annoying, but that's what makes her memorable. And emotionally, she did have a bad start to life - her mother sounds appalling.

Plus, it's really fun watching her effortlessly outrage poor old C.F.

So maybe just a near death experience?

[Robert Langdon]

Dear Sirs, please put me in touch with Joyce. I wish to join the union. I am constantly given ludicrous dialogue and ridiculous adventures. I wish to join the union. I need to make it clear to Mr Brown that I am a researcher in historical semantics, not some sort of James Bond character.

[TS]

I've got to get to a library... Fast!
- Robert Langdon - The Da Vinci Code

[Christy]

And sometimes characters rub off on the readers...

After reading a few chapters of CF's adventures, I said "Waaa, this sandwich you got so nice-nice!" on impulse to a friend, who then looked at me in horror.

I'd like to assassinate CF for ruining my English!

[Leo]

Christy, on the other hand, after reading the first few chapters of CF's story,most of my students are aware of "how to not being dumb when using English the Chinese style". At least they didn't say something like "Mr. Lam, ice-cream good good!".

But I would definitely want to see them not writing this in their essays too.

[sej]

Christy, You're not ruining your English, you're learning Singlish. After a while you'll get used to it, and be able to swap in and out at will.

[Christy]

Sej: Nury brings out the "hidden Asian" in me, in terms of language anyway.

Chinglish I understand but never speak...and now I'm speaking Singlish?!

Leo: "ice-cream good-good" sounds more like baby-talk than Asian English...at least I can't picture CF saying it :P

[sej]

Christy, Almost all Asians I know can speak at least two languages, if not three or more.

I know there's a factor of, me being a Westerner, the Asians I tend to meet can all speak English in addition to their local language, thereby making it more or less automatic I'm going to think in this way. But really, those people tend to also be able to speak another (third) language as well.

They may not be able to speak well in whatever those additional languages are, but it's usually well enough to understand and be understood.

But don't be afraid, Singlish isn't all that bad. I used to travel to Singapore for work a bit, and used to deal a lot with Singaporeans, and so ended up learning Singlish. I'd slip in and out without even realising it after a while. Today though, I'm way out of practice, and it's gone.

[Mike]

Nury, the solution seems obvious to me. If you have a character who annoys you and you can't kill her. Write a character that will annoy your character. Perhaps a bureaucrat that is a gate keeper for something she wants, an old school nemesis, a love interest to break her heart. Stick it to her good.

[Vince A]

On the death of Ray Sharp, I think Eric Stone has just opened up for himself a world of unlimited possibilities:

- Sharp relocates to India and his next story is about Eric Stone being reincarnated (in every sense) as a detective solving crime near the banks of the Ganges.

- Eric Stone rises up from the grave to pursue his new career as a detective-vampire.

- Eric Stone is restore to life through bionics, and also acquires a stoned-Austrian accent.

- Eric Stone is revived by surgeons, but the damage to his organs is so massive, they had to transvestate him.
She begins a new career as Erin Stone, lady detective.

--

Fiction writers are harmless. All they create are fictional characters. Non-fiction writers, on the other hand, create non-fiction characters. Champy and Hammer, for example, created hundreds of thousands of re-engineered people. Blanchard and Johnson spawned countless awful "One Minute Managers", etc.

But yes, it would be interesting to have the Feng Shui Detective to write a short bio of Nury. Or why can't Nury make cameos in his own stories the way Hitchcock did?

[Julie]

Vince, you have very interesting ideas.

There's also cross over between fiction and non-fiction. Just think of goths and star trek fans - especially the ones who tried to bring their kid up to be a native Klingon speaker.

[Eric]

The problem, of course, is that fiction has to make more sense than non-fiction. Mark Twain put it very well: "Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't."

[Megatron Decepticon]

"How dare these puny earthlings stand up against me? Vengeance will be mine. Kill them all. Mwah ha ha ha ha."

Can film characters join your union, please? That's a typical example of the dialogue I am given by my screenwriters. It totally stinks. Even my name makes me cringe.

I'm a nice guy. I like poetry. I listen to Vivaldi. If I could change my name I would call myself Gerard or Cedric.

[M. Mouse]

I'd like to join the union too. My creator gave me white gloves and a falsetto voice! But I'm an adult guy. It is SO embarrassing. Screen writers should be shot.

[farah]

what am i missing here?? *scratching head*

[Capt Jack Sparrow]

Farah, the posting is about how badly written fictional characters should complain to the people who write them. So lots of fictional characters (such as the bad guy in Transformers and Micky mouse etc) are logging on to complain about their authors. Or it may be people pretending to be fictional characters. I, of course, am a real human being.

[Leo]

To our Honorable Capt Jack Sparrow,

All I know is that the REAL Captain Jack Sparrow is in Someli, hijacking ships and kidnapping people.

By the way, this REAL Captain Jack Sparrow has yet not met his very end!!!
(I got a hunch that the Capt is discussing the terms with some government officers now!!!)

P.S.: Don't kidnap me though, I'm just a fictional non-fiction character!

[fardel]

Just wondering
Who wrote this Angela fictional character?

[Nury]

Actually I think Fardel is right. You never associate Singapore with attractive, super-intelligent people, so i think Angela has been made up by some amateur fiction-writer. Angela is probably really a hairy guy in Texas who drives trucks for a living but likes to create fictional characters on the internet.

[farah]

then who's the mastermind behind the character of fardel? or nury who claims to be the creator of a lot of other characters?

[Angela's creator]

who created the creator?

who created Angela?

and the gripping saga continues for another day.

I really should be insulted, you guys! Sin city not associated with beauty and brains? pah! see how men think? they use the smaller head, you see? and they don't care about being politically correct either. Brutes!

Luckily when I created Angela I did not give her the ability to feel insulted nor the modesty not to ask men about circumcision. Actually that's her flaw, or that could also be her super power (immunity against what dictates social norms). But I let her be that way, afterall, she is fictional and like someone said she has to be limited by possibilities.

But you got me on one point though, being outspoken is not a very popular thing to be here if you don't want to get free holiday in changi prison plus bonus caning. So Yes, Angela is fictional.

I have an artist's caricature of Angela and I want to share with the readers but can I just send the image to Nury then let him post it? Even with Sej's blow-by-blow instruction I still don't know (actually too lazy) to put the image up. This is a clue that Angela's creator has female brain, doesn't like techie stuffs.

[Steve O]

"See how men think? They use the smaller head."
that' s the funniest thing I have read for years.

[fardel]

I never thought or commented about the lack of......
But this Angela character seems too good to be true.....

Until I see for myself

[sheilajade]

I have to say that ive become a follower of ms. angela^s adventure, i get disappointed if she only greets gud am. From watchng the sunset lyng down w/o touchng hands, guy fr the 5th flr, the german circumcision to the itsy bitsy running shorts and even heartily knowing the taste of my motherland^s manila envelope, for me ms. A, You^re the Man!, Woman! I am entertaind and learning from you. Keep it up :-D

[Angela]

Faaardel!!! (I said that in a really deep, booming, Jesus-like voice)

"This is the second time you doubted me! The third time you doubt my existence, the cock will crow three times...or maybe when you finally see me the cock will..or maybe you will crow three times"

[Angela]

Thanks SJ for the kind words. Whatever you learned from me, I hope it's good and helps you ;)

The saga continued this morning..

I got on the bus to go to work as usual and guess who I saw sitting right across from me? the blondie from the 5th floor. After that one lunch we didn't see each other anymore around the office.

During our tete-a-tete he commented that I seldom go out for lunch, so I explained that I am a fictional character and need no lunch except if the side purpose is to meet guys. He's not bothered by my fictional nature so we agreed to grab lunch together today and exchanged phone numbers, finally.

Then after my morning meeting he smsed to say he will miss lunch due to messy work schedule and asked when we can lunch this week. I won't be in the office for lunch the rest of the week so I told him maybe next week and I will let him know.

Then he asked if I could read a brochure he wrote.

Ah-hah! so now we know! He was after something afterall.

See how men are? They pretend to be interested in you but actually they wanted something.

Now it's the big head they use.

I rest my case.

I am going out to get lunch by my lonesome, and if I see him having lunch with that sexy receptionist from his floor, I will run him over with my fictional pneumatic compactor.

[Steve O]

I thought Angela was getting really wild when she was interacting with a "blondie." But reading on I realize that she really is referring to a guy with yellow hair, which i suppose should be spelt Blond, is that right?

Anyway, I don't think he is really after your contacts or expertise Angela, i think he is just using that as an excuse to spent time with you. we guys use that kind of strategy all tyhe time. "come up and see my etchings" etc.

[sej]

Angela,

I agree with Steve O, it's just a strategy guys use to make sure they stay "front of mind".