The wind of change

 

Human gas emissions contribute to global warming

UNBELIEVABLE. The root cause of global warming has been traced. It’s all the fault of a young south Asian man living in Singapore.

Yeah, yeah, I know it sounds unlikely, but consider the evidence.

Two days before writing this, I got a call from a reader who told me that her brother was the world's biggest source of atmospheric methane gas, and should thus be held personally responsible for the greenhouse effect.

I told her not to be silly. But I dispatched a contact to check him out just in case. My agent reported back the following day.

“This guy lives entirely on beans and lets out shocking amounts of gas from both ends,” she said. “I think we have found the index patient for global warming.”
*
 

Now I apologize to readers for doing a column about gaseous emissions and global warming, but many of the world's top publications have done the same, ranging from The Times of London to a one-reader blog written by a friend of mine.

Could a single guy with a gas problem have a significant effect?

No one will share a room with him, and he has been known to clear a crowded bus by himself.

But the clincher was the fact that almost immediately after he holidayed in New Zealand (one of the nearest inhabited places to the Antarctic), a major ice shelf melted.

A scientist I called was willing to comment as long as I did not quote his name “because that would probably end my career”. He said that while farm animals, particularly belching, flatulent cows, were considered the main biological source of methane, human gaseous emissions could “also be contributor to an unknown extent”.

I was contemplating this finding over a plate of baked beans on toast when I got a letter from reader Karuna Menon. He shared with me the tragic story of a gentleman in Denmark who had surgery to remove a small mole on his bottom.

(I believe this was a mole in the sense of a black spot, not the garden mammal of the same name, but I may be wrong, this world being a bizarre place.)

Doctors coated the gentleman’s entire undercarriage with surgical spirit to make sure the region was sterile and germ-free. They then used some sort of electrical knife to attack the mole (protuberance or animal). Unfortunately, the patient unthinkingly chose that moment to emit a small amount of internal gas. A spark from the machine ignited the methane in it and his entire genitalia were soon a roaring blaze.

“When I woke up, my penis and scrotum were burning like hell,” he told reporters afterward.

The surgeon at the hospital in the Danish town of Kjellerups said: “It was an unfortunate accident.”

I needed no further evidence. Clearly the time has come for governments to legislate against personal gas emissions.

 

Why has the World Health Organization not warned us about these dangers?

Asian countries need to isolate Singapore from bean imports. Lion City diners are going to have to choose between retaining Mexican food or the polar ice caps.

We need to stamp out ALL emissions now. Let us meet and plot. And I promise not to serve beans on toast.

Technorati Tags: gas emissions,fart,global warming,methane

Comments

[TS]

Hey, pull my finger... :-)

[Momo]

Poor Danish man! I wonder if the medical sector now have to label all their electric-firing machinery with a warning "Do not use on people with gas."

It makes you wonder whether the surgeon was also caught in the blast. It would've singed his eyebrows at least..

Thanks Nury for another article to brighten the day.

Considering the potential of millions of people expelling force winds out of the other end per second. Now we know where typhoons come from.

[Sam]

We should sympathise those sitting around that specific Singaporean on those flights to and leaving New Zealand.

Perhaps hospitals and airlines should advice their patrons: absolutely no beans X hours before coming in.

[TS]

I found the original Danish news article and it never mentions any fart, only that the disinfectant spirits fumes caught fire during the operation.
I thought something didn't smell right...

http://www.bt.dk/nyheder/penis-forbraendt-af-en-prut

[sej]

And I thought this was me all these years!

[TS]

Correction, the article does mention a fart, my browser didn't load the last part.

It still says that it was the spirits that burned the patient though.
In a way the article doesn't make sense, why would the conclussion be that it was a fart that was ignited, when the man's bottom was covered in flamable spirits?
The fart is only mentioned as speculation on the surgeons part, he never heard or smelled anything before he suddenly found himself busy stamping out a fire in a patients crotch.

[sej]

Geez, I hope no one ever has to stamp out a fire in my crotch.

Ouch!!

[louise]

Another reason not to light a cigarette inside a lift!

I was wondering, Mr. Jam, is there any law against these things (farts, burps, boogers and in general, poor personal hygiene and may I say lack of manners)? I'm sure most of you who are in HK experienced taking the MTR and suddenly smelled a really unpleasant odour that came from the guy who was wearing a suit but was so sweaty? Know what I mean? WHAT's UP WITH THAT?

and how about that other guy in the bus stop who constantly "dialed" his nose and flicked God-knows-what to the air???

What if that thing ends in your cheek? Can you smack him?

[Christy]

Louise, you forgot about the guy on MTR who "expands" his elbows, apparently to read his newspaper but really to jam into the boobs of unfortunate neighbouring women.

----
Hmm, a fart tax to save the day, perhaps? We have carbon trading; there's no reason why we can't introduce fart quotas, too. People who seldom fart can sell surplus quotas to major farters...

Another question: do smellier farts emit more methane or there is no correlation between the two?

[sej]

The smell in farts is associated mostly with Hyrdogen Sulphide, a toxic and flammible gas, colloquially known as Rotten Egg Gas, as it is commonly associated with rotten eggs. It does not appear to be classified as a green house gas.

To make your farts smellier, eat food which has high quantities of sulphur. Dried fruits are good candidates, as well as anything that contains sulphur dioxide (220) as a preservative.

Warning though, the smellier you try and make your farts, the more toxic they will be. Ensure you keep a canary near by as a monitor of the air quality within your vicinity.

This also reminds me of an experience at Shanghai airport. A guy and his wife were occupying two seats, and their baggage was occupying four more. Anyway, I had a bad case of gas that day, and wasn't too happy about not being able to sit down because of someone's rudeness of occupying seats with baggage. What did I do? I got revenge. Oh so sweet, well, smelly actually :-) I let several rip. And man!! Did they stink!! The guy moved in short order, leaving six empty seats. The smell dissipated reasonably quickly, and we sat down. Normally, I'd be more discreet, and locate a bathroom at least, if not fresh air outside, but I was ticked off.

[Mike]

If you look at a list of food that cause gas the top rated foods are beans,vegetables, wheat, milk. If you do a fart tax will vegetarians pay more or do you include the farts from animals as well and come up with graduated fart tables?

Do we create fart free zones or base tax on yearly production?

[Christy]

Hmmm,it won't do to tax vegetarians more because raising animals use up lots of water, grains,etc and contribute a lot of global warming...perhaps we can have a weighted tax?!

I can't imagine tax officials doing random checks on your fridge...hahaha

[Ellen]

TS you are being too "literal." of course the fart was only a possible explanation of the accident, just like the mole on his butt was probably not an animal, and the farting guy in Singapore may not have been directly responsible for the collapse of the ice shelf. Having said that, I always enjoy reading your comments TS and those of some others on this site. The general standard of internet discussions is incredibly low, this site is almost unique in having intelligent funny people.

But here's an angle that people have missed, which came to my mind after reading Christys comments about fridge inspections.

If we all turn vegetarian for the sake of fighting global warming will the additional farts generated wipe out any advantage?

[Angela]

Rotfl@sej

Here's a question: should i give a guy second chance if he farts on first date?

Fridge inspection is too extreme. Gassy food should be taxed on purchase. Restaurants can then pass the tax on to diners who ordered gassy meals.

I think i should have paid TOG - Tax On Gas for the prata i had earlier.

[Karuna]

Angela
if depends

1.farts silently. You know it could have only been him. And he does not own up - Dump him since he cares only for his image

2. farts silently. You know it could have only been him. And he apologizes - Keep him since he is sincere

3. farts loudly and does not apologize - Dump him since he is abnoxious.

4. farts loudly and then laughs
- Must be one of my kids. ...
- """"Take your hand off them, you filthy old hag !!!"""

[TS]

5. He never ever farts, put him on auction on eBay, he will fetch you millions! (you should only keep him if you don't want to have children with him, as he will turn out to be a woman who had a sex re-assignment).

[Chamin]

There is an old Sri Lankan saying "loud farts are fun (easy to identify the culprit and poke fun at him), silent farts can be fatal (can cause people to kill each other arguing over who farted)."

[Angela]

Silent but deadly.

Nury, I think we just busted a myth "why men don't write advice columns"

Karuna, TS, and Chamin just proved a point that men SHOULD write advice columns. These men gave sophisticated solutions to a complex problem. And they do it so much better than female friends I asked. They all said "eeeeeewwww... you must have a bad dating karma. better move to another country" which does not really help me.

From now on, I will not ask women for advice, I will just go straight to "Dear Mr. Jam"

[sej]

TS, sorry, if a person never farts, they're lying.

Get rid of 'em on ebay, and get what little you can.

[sej]

Angela, but I think my post was a good reason why men shouldn't write advice columns.

PS: Did you find the instructions I posted about posting pictures?

[Angela]

My father was pissed off at having to wait so long for his turn at the doctor's for a regular check-up so upon making payment at the counter, he more than parted with his cash, he gave them a long, loud, stinker on top of the doctor's fees. My sister who accompanied him was mortified. I will never accompany my father anywhere. Incidentally his mother did the same thing at the bank. I think my family has a history of making their displeasure smelled.

[Angela]

Thanks Sej, I got the epic length instruction on posting photos and still half way through the introduction. I think by early 2010 I should be able to post this pic of a real scary looking fish.

[Karuna]

Angela
As long as you do not post any photo of scary looking sausage, that should be fine :)

[e liquid]

@Mike: GREAT questions! I vote for vegetarians having a higher tax. They eat way more beans than meat-eaters.

[sej]

Christy,

I haven't come across anything that makes people laugh more than a good ol' ripping FART!!!

I remember once, someone left a sheet of fart jokes stuck to the back of the office toilet door. I ended up laughing so hard took me ten minutes to wipe my bum.

[Nursing top]

lol! very funny specially the first photo. it just really captured me and had my stomach aching with laughter!

[search engine optimization techniques]

oh wow!! nice photo!! weird!! heheh the 1st picture!! hehehe