CELEBRITIES ARE ABOVE THE LAW. It’s official. Last night, the Union of Vacuous Celebrities issued a statement demanding that their fabled immunity to prosecution be enshrined in law.
“We're not talking about being let off parking fines. Our better-known members already get away with murder, drug offences, rape and child abuse, and we feel that privilege should be extended to all famous people,” the union said in a statement.
Film stars and other entertainers around the world agreed enthusiastically. “All right thinking people agree that celebrities should be let off crimes, but up to now judges have not found it easy to do so because they feel this silly obligation to follow the law,” said a spokeswoman from the Association of Airheaded TV Presenters, giggling and dropping her script. “This step would bring the judiciary in line with reality and thus, oh sorry, I’ve lost my page.”
The move was triggered by last week’s detention of filmmaker Roman Polanksi on charges of child rape.
The man in the street was outraged. “I hear this man is a celebrity. This means he should be allowed to get away with anything,” said a man in the street, reading from a sheet taped to the bottom of the camera. “By the way, who is this dude, and where do I collect the free autographed Paris Hilton video I was promised?”
While judicial experts say that turning unwritten laws into statutes is never easy, the celebs' legal team is confident of a win. “Law is built on precedents, which means that if one celebrity gets away with something, the law evolves,” the head of the legal team said.
His team will point out that there was clear evidence that OJ Simpson killed two victims but he's a celeb, so he got off.
Michael Jackson was a known drug abuser who admitted sleeping with children, but he's a celeb so he wasn't condemned.
David Letterman was a married boss who slept with his staff, but the person who exposed him is seen as the offender.
A court sentenced Paris Hilton to 45 days in jail but she was released almost immediately.
Rob Lowe, Mel Gibson, R. Kelly and many others have got out of serious trouble thanks to their status as celebs.
There has been only token opposition to the move.
“Celebrities should NOT be above the law,” said a spokeswoman for the Victims Support Group. She added: “With the exception of Johnny Depp, who can do anything he likes to me, as long as he is wearing his Jack Sparrow make-up at the time.”
The only other complaint came from the Association of Grammarians. “You can't really stop celebrities getting away with crimes, but what has deeply upset our members is the fact that the name Union of Vacuous Celebrities is tautologous,” a spokesman said.
PLEASE NOTE. Before writing angry letters to me, please note that this posting is 82.5 per cent ironic, and of the rest of the material, about six or seven per cent could be classified as bitterly sardonic.
We may be living in bizarre times when we are prevented from using the law against celebs, but we can still use tools such as irony and sarcasm; they can be delightfully sharp and satisfying. Heh heh heh.
THE SERIOUS BIT.
From the files:
Here is the court transcript of the case:
On March 10, 1977, Polanski picked up the 13-year-old victim at her house and took her to Jack Nicholson’s home for a modeling shoot. The victim testified that Polanski served her champagne and gave her part of a Quaalude before getting in a whirlpool bath with her while they were naked. No one else was home.
Q: What happened then?
A: He goes, ‘Come down here.’
And I said, ‘No. No, I got to get out.’
And he goes, ‘No, come down here.’
And then I said that I had asthma and that I couldn’t — I had to get out because of the warm air and the cold air or something like that.
And he said, ‘Just come down here for a second.’
So I finally went down.
And then he went — there was a lot of Whirlpool bath jets. He goes, ‘Doesn’t it feel better down here?’
And he was like holding me up because it is almost over my head.
And I went, ‘Yeah, but I better get out.’
So I got out.
The victim testified that after she left the whirlpool bath, Polanski told her to go into a nearby bedroom and lie down.
A: I was going, ‘No, I think I better go home,’ because I was afraid. So I just went and I sat down on the couch.
Q: What were you afraid of?
(a few minutes later)
A: He sat down beside me and asked me if I was OK.
Q: What did you say, if anything?
A: I said, ‘No.’
Q: What did he say?
A: He goes, ‘Well, you’ll be better.’ And I go, ‘No, I won’t. I have to go home.’
Q: What happened then?
A: He reached over and he kissed me. And I was telling him, ‘No,’ you know, ‘Keep away.’
After Polanski kissed her, the victim alleged, he began to engage in oral sex.
A: … I was ready to cry. I was kind of — I was going, ‘No. Come on. Stop it.’ But I was afraid.
Q: And what did he say, if anything?
A: He wasn’t saying anything that I can remember. He was — sometimes he was saying stuff, but I was just blocking him out, you know.
The victim testified that Polanski began having sex with her, but sodomized her when he learned she wasn’t using birth control.
A: He asked, he goes, ‘Are you on the pill?’
And I went, ‘No.’
And he goes, ‘When did you last have your period?’
And I said, I don’t know. A week or two. I’m not sure.’
Q: And what did he say?
A: He goes, ‘Come on. You have to remember.’
And I told him I didn’t.
Q: Did he say anything after that?
A: Yes. He goes, ‘Would you want me to go through your back? And I went, ‘No.’
The victim testified that afterwards, she got dressed and waited in the car for Polanski to drive her home.
Before driving her home, he asked her to keep the incident a secret.
A: He said to me, he goes, ‘Oh, don’t tell your mother about this.’ …
Q: What did you say?
A: I wasn’t saying anything.
He says, ‘Don’t tell your mother about this and don’t tell your boyfriend either.’ … He said something like, ‘This is our secret.’
And I went, ‘Yeah.’
And then later he said, ‘You know, when I first met you I promised myself I wouldn’t do anything like this with you.’