Long goodbyes

 

Oh, the challenges of communicating through soundproof glass

EVERY WEEKDAY MORNING I spend ten minutes lip-reading. So does the woman standing next to me and the man next to her. None of us have any idea what we’re discussing.

This is “Long Goodbye Syndrome”, a challenge faced by anyone who has to make extended farewells to loved ones leaving by train or coach or bus.

The school bus pulls up outside my housing block every morning at 8 am. Children climb inside. They press their little sticky faces against the windows (and frequently get stuck to them). Mommy or Daddy wave goodbye. In theory, the bus then heads off to school.

In reality, what happens is this. Child A fails to turn up. Child B realizes he has forgotten to put on his trousers and runs bare-legged home to get them. Child C has overslept and has to be carried to the bus. Child D has drops her one-meter-high clay sculpture of the decoded genome of a fruit fly and needs to be comforted while someone rebuilds it.

There is always a long wait during which parents on the street and children on the bus stare at each other.

At this point, the kids inevitably remember urgent things they need to discuss. “Wire brackish!” my youngest child mouthed frantically the other day. “Wire brackish arthroscope! Arthroscope!”

 

I turned to the woman next to me and asked for help: “Did my child just say 'wire brackish arthroscope'?”

She nodded and said: “That's what it looked like.” She told me she thought an arthroscope was “a tool for non-invasive knee surgery”.

But after staring at my child’s moving lips a little longer, light dawned. She said: “Aha! I think she’s saying, ‘choir practice after school’. But what do you think MY child is saying?”

Her child was jumping up and down in his seat, apparently uttering the words: “Cannabis culture bay delight. Police! Police!”

I watched him repeat his plea for a whole minute before I worked it out. He was saying: “Can Amy come to play tonight? Please, please?”

Some days it's easy to lip-read what they're saying. Other days we just nod and smile. This is dangerous. It has caused me to make numerous promises I cannot keep, including buying her a Lamborghini and taking her to the North Pole. (“You promised!”)

Lip-reading has been in the news. BBC TV has been bleeping out the foul language used by celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay. But deaf viewers had been lip-reading the show, and were outraged by Mr Ramsay's lip-movements. So now the BBC places a big fuzzy spot over his mouth. (If only someone would do this to Mr Ramsay in real life.)

I'd like to propose an easier answer. Everyone should adopt the Italian habit of saying maledizione, which means “bad word”. If you step on an Italian's foot, he hops around and says “Bad word! Bad word!” Simple and satisfying.

This morning, there was a big delay and parents and children mouthed conversations to each other for more than ten minutes.

I have no idea what we talked about. Cannabis and non-invasive knee surgery were probably mentioned. I hate to think what I promised, but I just hope it was legal. If not, I will kick myself and say, “Bad word! Bad word!”
*

Technorati Tags: family humor,lip reading,long goodbyes

Comments

[Leo]

Haha!! I can't do lip-reading. But having a second thought, next time when I am waving goodbye to any girl I like on a bus while she is standing at the stand, I will say "Will you marry me?" or "I love you!" out loud.

I guess she will nod and say "Yes", right?

What a good and convenient way to confess your love!!!

[Sham]

Be careful when you do that, Leo. You might get a 'yes' from the aunty standing next to the girl of your dreams.

[fardel]

Or worse,
the aunty standing next to the girl can get off the bus and throw herself in your arms in no time!

[sej]

Fardel, the "hot aunty".

[fardel]

The double size, double pepper one!
Poor Leo!

[Noman of BD]

unless hot aunty is good enough for leo!!!

[farah]

better watch out for aunty's ex/current boyfriend/husband. you dont want to be caught running at full speed chased by them with a shot gun.
on second thought if that uncle/boyfriend catches you, you can give him the address of the hotel next to your room. bet he's gonna love that!

[Shehabul Arifin]

Wow Leo what an idea !!! Thank you for sharing it and I will also try it ! And thank Sham and Fardel for your caution. !! Hey people to see the best "hot aunty" I have seen ever visit the EID FAIR that is being continued in our area and it is the biggest fair in Bangladesh (as I know) !!! "Noman of BD" must come please .

[Shehabul Arifin]

WOW Farah you are so caring to us ! So we are not going to fall in any danger when we do like Leo ! I must implement the idea invented by Leo tomorrow and tell you the result ! Wait until I try it out ! And if I am in danger will try the idea of Farah

[tamanna]

i never understand lip reading..often professors asks me questions in the middle of the lecture when im sleeping at the back row of the class..and my frnds go on mouthing the answers..and all i do is stare at them and later i just mouth "I dont know the answer sir"...which he understands quite well!

oh and i did see few 'hot aunty' this eid..god bless them and hopefully makes them more 'hot'

[Leo]

...Gosh, talk about aunties...there are some very hot aunties in Hong Kong. They are in their thirties, with sons and daughters, and yet still look amazingly young like a teenage girl...

I don't mind getting those hot aunties hugging me but definitely not those in Nury's article...or having those terrible circumstances mentioned by all of you.

But thanks for the tips, I guess I have to very careful not to do the Lip-talk to strange "Aunties".

[Shehabul Arifin]

Hey Leo we are also not willing to have hugged by those type of aunts showed on Mr. jam's article ! I am feeling that I am going to vomit after reading wor post !!!

But thank you for informing us about " your favourite hot aunts " ! We all are going to visit you for seeing your favourit hot aunts ! Ha ha ha!!!

[Noman of BD]

arifin i have no desire to be hugged by hot aunties. so it is best for me to keep away from your eid fair.by the way do you live in dhaka?same question goes for farah also. it will be great to form a "Nury Vittachian" Club...lolz

[Shehabul Arifin]

Hey Noman I did not tell you to be hugged !! I just told you to see and add something more to your experience ! LOL.

However, I am not from Dhaka ! Wait until I get admitted in BUET. And we will establish a Mr. JAM club not "Vittachi club" ! I would like to behave as a kid ! Think you will also like to be so....... So you are a kid now...... I think you are imagining to suck a feeding bottle..... Ha ha ha...

[Leo]

Oh boy, I am getting nowhere close enough to lay my hands onto any aunties...

Doing that will definitely send me straight to hell with a 1-way ticket. I ain't going anywhere near hell for a "hot" aunty.

How about setting up this Mr Vittachi's Jam Club? Making jam is like writing articles, and Nury has made us so many jars of jam for so long, I guess a Jam Club would be cool!!

(Jam is better than peanut butter, less fat and artifical chemicals) Buy a jar of Mr Vittachi's Jam for a healthier tomorrow!!

[TS]

If we go for jam, we would still have to put May contain nuts on the label.

[Shehabul Arifin]

One way ticket... One way ticket.... One way ticket to the bluuuuuuuuuuues......

Hey people be cautious not to get The One Way Ticket. Leoalmost saved us all from gettin the one way ticket ! Thanks Leo and please remember to give me the first chance to taste the "Vittachi's Jam". TS don't worry I am now designing the label....

And don't forget to make "Mr. jam's Jelly"..... Ha ha ha !

[fardel]

Without nut , it would called anything but MrJam,

So the Label should read:
CAUTION :Contains 78 % NUT.

Side effects would be suffocation , increased heart beat, and belly aches.
Very addictive
Tu use with moderation

[Sham]

Also to put a caution on the jar that it should be consumed only on padded or carpeted floors as it may cause ROFL. And to consume in privacy of own home as it may cause LOL.