BEWARE! A MASSIVE PANDEMIC of self-importance is sweeping the world. Sufferers humiliate themselves by sharing utterly useless information with the world.
The first sign of the outbreak I saw was at a press conference called by a Hong Kong businessman who was expected to run for public office. Once the TV cameras were on, he announced that he was here to announce that he “may or may not” run for public office. That was his entire message.
People suffering from the final stages of this ghastly disease have taken over the internet! Here’s proof.
As I write this column, a person has posted this announcement on Facebook:
“I am thinking what to eat for lunch.”
Even worse, a guy called Horace yesterday tweeted this important newsflash to his followers on Twitter:
“I am sitting here doing nothing.”
A former friend of mine (I quickly disowned him) thought it worthwhile to broadcast this message to the world:
“My mind is blank.”
Tragic! Scientists toiled for years to create the internet and it’s been hijacked by morons demonstrating to the planet that they are morons.
Now I am not saying that all announcements need to be matters of great import. Press conferences at which celebrities apologize are often gripping.
And the following charming pair of rather poetic announcements has just appeared on Facebook:
“Mark Malby is sitting out in the chill of morning, watching dawn creep over the world.”
The other web announcements I like are mysterious ones.
“Wyng Chow has a HOT lunch date,” says one, leaving us curious about whether he is talking about a girl or a curry or both.
Also on my Facebook screen is:
“Sarah Morrison has done her duty.”
A guy who calls himself “Status King” has been collecting witty ones. Here are three from his collection:
“Ian feels like getting some work done and so he is sitting down until the feeling passes.”
“Sarah used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she's good at everything.”
“Jeffrey says my computer just beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”
But wit, sadly, is rare. Far more common are folk like the person who insensitively announced on the Internet:
“[Name} is sad that mom is dead and dad doesn’t look like he’s too far behind.”
Possibly the stupidest status update line I ever saw on a social website was this one:
“Steve is sitting here wondering why all his friends are so dumb.”
A few hours later, he didn’t have any friends.
But going back to live examples of self-importance, there have been several cases of celebrity couples organizing press conferences to announce that they are still married.
Think about it, guys. If you feel the need to do that, you could, technically, have a press conference every day.
Monday: Still married.
Tuesday: Still married.
Wednesday: Small fight over breakfast but still married.
Thursday, still married, just.
The sad thing is that the press would turn up to every single one.
If you’ll excuse me, I have finished my column and am now going to the toilet. Someone better alert the media.
MEET THE GANG
A popular commenter on this site is Farah Huq, who recently graduated from business school. Farah, you’re far out! We love ya.