Best and worst status lines

A dangerous disease is turning millions of people into morons

BEWARE! A MASSIVE PANDEMIC of self-importance is sweeping the world. Sufferers humiliate themselves by sharing utterly useless information with the world.

The first sign of the outbreak I saw was at a press conference called by a Hong Kong businessman who was expected to run for public office. Once the TV cameras were on, he announced that he was here to announce that he “may or may not” run for public office. That was his entire message.

People suffering from the final stages of this ghastly disease have taken over the internet! Here’s proof.

As I write this column, a person has posted this announcement on Facebook:

“I am thinking what to eat for lunch.”

Even worse, a guy called Horace yesterday tweeted this important newsflash to his followers on Twitter:

“I am sitting here doing nothing.”

A former friend of mine (I quickly disowned him) thought it worthwhile to broadcast this message to the world:

“My mind is blank.”

Tragic! Scientists toiled for years to create the internet and it’s been hijacked by morons demonstrating to the planet that they are morons.
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Now I am not saying that all announcements need to be matters of great import. Press conferences at which celebrities apologize are often gripping.

And the following charming pair of rather poetic announcements has just appeared on Facebook:

“Athena Wong is listening to the rain”

and

“Mark Malby is sitting out in the chill of morning, watching dawn creep over the world.”

The other web announcements I like are mysterious ones.

“Wyng Chow has a HOT lunch date,” says one, leaving us curious about whether he is talking about a girl or a curry or both.

Also on my Facebook screen is:

“Sarah Morrison has done her duty.”

Intriguing.
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A guy who calls himself “Status King” has been collecting witty ones. Here are three from his collection:

“Ian feels like getting some work done and so he is sitting down until the feeling passes.” 

“Sarah used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she's good at everything.”

“Jeffrey says my computer just beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”

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But wit, sadly, is rare. Far more common are folk like the person who insensitively announced on the Internet:

“[Name} is sad that mom is dead and dad doesn’t look like he’s too far behind.”

Possibly the stupidest status update line I ever saw on a social website was this one:

“Steve is sitting here wondering why all his friends are so dumb.”

A few hours later, he didn’t have any friends.

But going back to live examples of self-importance, there have been several cases of celebrity couples organizing press conferences to announce that they are still married.

Think about it, guys. If you feel the need to do that, you could, technically, have a press conference every day.

Monday: Still married.

Tuesday: Still married.

Wednesday: Small fight over breakfast but still married.

Thursday, still married, just.

Friday: Damn!

The sad thing is that the press would turn up to every single one.

If you’ll excuse me, I have finished my column and am now going to the toilet. Someone better alert the media.
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MEET THE GANG

A popular commenter on this site is Farah Huq, who recently graduated from business school. Farah, you’re far out! We love ya.

 

Technorati Tags: status lines,funny status lines,worst press conference

Comments

[TS]

I can't come up with a clever comment to this...

[Angela]

I just typed this: I am looking at Farah's picture thinking how pretty she is...

then I will click post

then I will go back to work because my lunch hour is over but my subway club is still sitting cold at my desk

[sej]

Hangin' on for the next one... :-)

[fardel]

Wow!
Those eyes!
Business school!

We have a killer here.
If you are looking for a job in International business I can introduce you to the only one-man Multinational trade Company who is hiring in these tough times;
where are you from ?

By the way
Welcome to the international Nuryan Club

Sorry Angela !
You just dropped to first runner up

[Leo]

Here's another marvelous status line:

"I am lying on my bed and doing nothing."

But that kid just ended up typing this on his Facebook...guess what?
That's Facebooking!

[Angela]

Fardel, I know. Even I AM falling inlove with Farah's eyes :)

Now for my self-important tweet or is it twit?:
Just stepped out of freezing server room after making updates, finger tips pruned, stomach growling, searching for cookie in my bag. Looking forward to end of workday. Contact lens feel dry.

err..I think I just exceeded max character for twitter

[Nancy]

Wonderful! I, too, am often surprised by acquaintances on Facebook blithely imparting an update on their colonic or the fact they are thinking about having another cup of coffee. I wonder what the psychologists make of it? Probably nothing more than the innate human need to connect with other humans, now in bizarre new technology form! Can't say we bloggers are exempt from this desire...hopefully we are a bit more witty about it. You certainly are, Mr. Jam!

[Christy]

Facebook status lines encourage the practice of talking about yourself in the third person.

What if one day it spills over into "real life" and:

Nury writes: Nury doesn't understand why people post mundane status lines.

Hmmmm, Christy too is enchanted by Farah's beautiful eyes :P

[Chamin]

Hi Farah,

You do have "Business School" eyes. When studying at the university, we could always recognize business school students. They simply have a different outlook.

As for a comment, may be I should go to my Facebook and write "just wrote this on Facebook" :o)

[farah]

awww thank you so much for the sweet words guys. you certainly made my day err. evening.

fardel i'm from bangladesh so sorry to disappoint you all i dont have fake grey eyes (i wish i did) but big brown eyes. and i want Angela to be on top....she's always so witty.

oh yeah thanks Nury for putting up the pic. love ya all!

[dul]

woww... farah you look awwsome!

i have to confess... i've put statuses like "my mind is blank"...
but in my defense i have to say... i was just responding to fb!
as soon as you log in you see a box on the top of the page asking.. "What's on your mind?"!!!
And you feel like responding! NOT to tell all your friends your mind is blank but.. u know.. to respond!!
then people start commenting saying things like "like we didn't know" etc. and u realize you've put up a really stupid status lol

[JBI]

Here I'd show you how to survive in a PAW (Post-facebook Apocalyptic World):

1. Stay alert to any suspicious friend invitations. It might be from your boss.

2. Hide all the requests from fun quizzes and games. They are the sources of FB-flooding.

3. Review the privacy level periodically.

4. Be very careful with your "Relationship Status" as the netizens are all putting their eyes on it.

5. Do not write hateful messages since it stains your FB for LIFE.

6. Be true and honest because the FB is an open space. Keeping it "clean" is both your right and duty.

[fardel]

The color of your eyes do not change anything on my statement.
Is Bangladesh out of the way to Asia for a good swimmer?

[fardel]

changing course ,swimming to Bengladesh

[Mike]

"Only when we know little do we know everything; doubt grows with knowledge."--Goethe

I suspect the inane tweets are merely attempts to get someone to acknowledge they exist.

[Noman of BD]

i think the burden of swimming to Bangladesh(BD) from the caribbean will be justified as BD has beautiful daughters who are beautiful without being plastic.besides being fan of nury's article i like your comments.

i invite nury to come to BD as you will find that humor is one Vital element of our culture.i can introduce you to an imaginary character "gopal vhar" who represents most of our witty jokes.
p.s.-but i am humorless and that is why i read your columns to get some laughs.

[sej]

With everyone swimming towards Bangledesh, and Farah, a number of questions spring to mind....

1. Will the resulting ocean current mean they will no longer have to worry about rising sea levels due to global warming?
2. Or will there be a storm surge like wave ahead of the swimmers?
3. Will the resulting stampede result in civil war (between the invaders, not the locals)?
4. Who would be the new swimming world champion? - It would have to be one of the swimmers heading for Farah.
5. What would the Twitter and Facebook status look like for the days/weeks it takes to get here? (Day 1: "I'm swimming". Day 2: "I'm swimming". Day 3: "I'm swimming", and so on...)
6. Which smart/mobile phone manufacturer would finally be compelled to create a waterproof phone

[Minkha]

After reading this Minkha is going to the toilet now.

[Samson]

I am reading this IN the toilet/

[Chamin]

Facebook status: searching Google and Wikipedia for "Gopal Vhar" :o)

[fardel]

Looking at the map, maybe Bengladesh is too far , maybe not;
Thinking about my next book:For Farah' eyes

[farah]

LOL! i'm putting this up as my next status on FB.

fardel... you're most welcome for the visit. by the time you reach here swimming you'll be fit (might end up with a 6 pack too). we'll be all on the cheering line.

[mourning mucus]

I usually put quotes from obscure poems or lyrics from songs, specially those of metal bands in my status.

I know I'm being picky here, but I believe if someone doesn't get my 'status message' - they don't deserve to be my friends.

And I hate it when people don't get sarcasm. Maybe I've got a twisted sense of humor? :P

[Les]

Reminds me of a 'catchy' and somewhat haunting 'song':

keep swimming...Keep on swimming -Dory of Finding Nemo

[TS]

Without thinking much, to mark the release of the remastered Beatles albums, I put "B-Day!" in my FB status, resulting in people wishing me a Happy Birthday....