22 phrases from referees letters

What “he’s always at his desk” really means

MY FRIEND CANDY SO gave up her job as an accountant to focus on raising her three little boys (or four, if you count her husband).

One recent lunchtime we gave her the job of sorting out the bill after a restaurant meal for 50, among whom were meat-eaters, vegetarians, children, people on strange diets, individuals doing religious fasts, and my youngest child, who would only eat items colored green. (Now you know why I carry bottles of food coloring with me).

Working out who should pay what was harder than sorting out the collapse of Lehman Bros (and involved roughly the same amount of money).

“Why don’t you go back to work?” I commented. “You do the same thing but get paid.”

But I wasn’t serious. The job market is a mess. One financial headhunter friend said she was seeing mass layoffs and staff-shortages at the same time. “And sometimes in the same firm,” she said.

But the thing she said that really stuck in my mind was this. Ninety per cent of “referee” recommendation letters contained the same few phrases. “There are only about 20 of these terms, and people just use them in a different order each time,” she said.

After 17 years reading referee letters and meeting the candidates they supposedly describe, this headhunter now recognizes what each phrase REALLY means.
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First, the adjectives.

“Loyal” means “Couldn’t get a job anywhere else”.

“Quick thinker” means “Comes up with amazing excuses for failing every task”.

“Ambitious” means “Obnoxious”.

“Aggressive” means “Highly obnoxious”.

“Has leadership qualities” means “Highly obnoxious and tall”.
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Then come the phrases describing personal qualities.

“Good communicator” means “She is the office gossip”.

“Team player” means “Bone idle when left to himself”.

“Social” means “Heavy drinker”.

“Highly social” means “Party animal”, and

“Works hard, plays hard” means ”Certified alcoholic”. 
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Then come the phrases describing work habits.

“Self-starter” means “Runs his own small business on office time and thinks we don’t know”.

“Shows Initiative” means “Runs a major listed company on office time and thinks we don’t know”.

“Good sense of humor” means “Spends his time forwarding joke emails”.

“Works long hours” means “Always misses deadlines”.

 
Particularly important are phrases showing “gray area” skills.

“Good negotiation skills” means “Expert in bribery”.

“Good dealmaker” means “Expert in corruption”.

“Never takes no for an answer” means “Expert in blackmail”.

“First in the office every morning” means “works as an industrial spy checking you out on behalf of your competitors”.
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And last but not least, there are the phrases giving clues about the candidate’s personal qualities.

“Has long list of qualifications” means “spent ten years at university because he was unable to tear himself away from beer, bowling and bars”.

“Meticulous” means “covers his tracks well”.

And “Live-wire” means “Sexual harasser”.
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The most dangerous phrase to find in a referee letter, she told me, was “fun to have around”. She said: “I’ve seen it twice, and both times it meant ‘this guy is completely useless but he’s a friend of my daughter so I promised to write a positive recommendation’.”

Anyway, it’s time for me to wrap up this posting and do some serious work. I’ve just remembered that my last appraisal form said I was loyal, social and fun to have around. I thought it was a compliment.
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Technorati Tags: HR humor

Comments

[farah]

uh-oh! the next time i go for a job interview either i should come up something new and innovative or look for synonyms for the above.

[Hidy chan]

OH... Don't wrap your posting. You make me have interest to read.

[Cherry Chan]

omg..... after reading this, i think i should revise my resume, but the problem is --is there any other word that can be put in my resume? hahaha

[sej]

A few I've come across or used over the years (amongst others):

"Highly Skilled" -> Knows nothing.

"Dedicated" -> Trying to avoid the wife/husband.

"Sees all the fine detail" -> Good at following procedure, but can't think for themselves.

"Get's the big picture" -> About as bright as a black hole.

"Takes responsibility for their own actions" -> He's good at making mistakes - that's why he's looking for a job!

[sej]

Oh, I nearly forgot...

"Would you employ him/her again?"

• Yes - the reference is from a friend.
• No - the reference is from a former employer

[fardel]

“Good sense of humor” ; spends a lot of time on this site
" wishes to integrate a team to promote the company":
In Asia ; will work at 80 % of my capacity
- in USA give me the job, and dream on
-In France : will cut your productivity by 80 % in no time at all.

“Has long list of qualifications” Did not keep a job for more than a few weeks
loyal, social and fun to have around.
In the Caribbean:
Will keep this job as long as :
it pays well to party every night
it allows me to rest the rest of the day
It gives me an opportunity to sleep with ever member of the staff

[Christy]

"Imaginative": spends a great deal of time daydreaming instead of working.

I hope that isn't really the case -- I got "imaginative" in the reference letter I got for my summer internship...

[TS]

Christy,

Don't worry "Imaginative" also covers changing the tattoo of your ex-boyfriends initials into a butterfly.

[Leo]

lol, I got nothing like that from my reference letter!!! Yay!! I guess I don't have to worry that much!

[Dancer]

This is exactly like school reports since many teachers in HK are discouraged from writing anything negative so the comments get sugar coating:
'has many friends' = no ability to stop chatting
'quiet in class' = sleeps every lesson
'active' = hyperactive
'passive' = brain almost comatose
'proactive' = interrupts others whenever possible
'works well in a team' = freeloader
'work independently' = has no friends
'good participation' = physically present at school, mentally, nobody knows
'good class helper' = sucker
'making progress' = handwriting becomes more legible
'proficient in elaboration' = liar

[sabrina]

Wow... got to be careful :D

[supak]

Strong & energetic: short tempered, starts fight any time
Workaholic: alcoholic

[Christy]

Haha, the comment about school reports reminds me for the one I got in my F.6 year -- it goes something like this:

"Has a very responsible attitude and is a very responsible girl."

Duh...

[Leo]

I only got things like: very helpful and attentive; punctual (99% punctual rate, 1% was a flaw of my life); responsive.

I know the last one was not true since I was the one answering every single question...

[Chamin]

My professors almost never showed me the reference letters they wrote for me. But now I know what hey contain :-p

[cHarm]

hurmmmm....wonder what can be define with the 'work-life balance' phrase?...:)