What sort of meeter are you?

Your behavior in meetings reflects your cultural background

“BLACKBERRYS HAVE liberated people from boring meetings," Jim Balsillie, boss of the phonemaker, announced recently. He reckons you can remain engaged and active by secretly read email while sitting opposite your boss in boring confabs.

This makes no sense to me.

All my urgent emails are from my boss, anyway.

I once got one saying, “Do it over.” I didn’t know whether he wanted me to repeat today’s assignment, the year-long project we’d been working on, or my life. (I hoped it was the latter.)

A friend of mine arranges meetings. It's not as dull a job as it sounds. It's much, much duller.

But curiously, I noticed her smiling at the end of a gathering that was so excruciatingly tedious that under “Any Other Business” I proposed “Commit Group Suicide”.
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Afterwards I questioned her on her suspicious behavior. She revealed (after only a moderate amount of violence) that she and her assistant kept themselves awake with a little game: they guesstimated how long meetings would last, and nearly always got it bang on target.

How did they do it? Here's the secret (try it yourself).

Warning: This is possibly offensive.

Take the maximum allotted time for the meeting, add 15 per cent for every person from India present to a maximum of three, and 20 per cent for each Westerner to a maximum of two.

Deduct two-point-five per cent for each Hong Konger and five per cent for every Filipino, Sri Lankan or Indonesian attendee. (For people of other cultural backgrounds, you have to do your own research.)

The meeting I had just been at started with six Hong Kongers, one Sri Lankan, and a Filipino.

So the sum was 60 minutes minus 25 per cent, taking us down to 45 minutes.

But just as we were starting, a European arrived, pushing the estimate back up to 55 minutes.

At first I was skeptical, but the girls’ system turned out to be remarkably accurate: it WAS 55 minutes.

One committee on which I used to sit lost its token Westerner, and meetings DID finish 20 per cent earlier than usual. Then a Canadian joined us, and meetings went back to their previous length.
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Why does it work? To generalize absurdly, Westerners are critical thinkers who see meetings as democratic events at which they can contribute to more or less every item on the agenda.

Indians also like to talk. They come from a society where debating is a popular pastime, since watching Indian TV has the same fun quotient as being waterboarded at Guantanamo Bay.

Hong Kongers are busy people who don’t like meetings, but they are polite, so make the minimal number of comments to show they are present.

Filipinos, Sri Lankans and others stay silent because they loathe meetings so much they are not mentally present, being deep in fantasy worlds.

Meeting organizers list the present writer as a “wild card”, since I stay silent except for occasionally making irrelevant comments such as, “You probably don’t recognize me without my cape.”
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I tracked down one colleague who has, to my knowledge, NEVER spoken in a meeting, and asked him if he was worried that bosses would issue orders to his department based on incorrect assumptions.

He shook his head. “Whatever commands the boss gives, I just nod. Then I ignore them,” he said.

I decided that this man is a GENIUS. The boss is happy, because his views are accepted without question. The workers are happy because idiotic commands from the top never reach them.

How ironic: the guy most worth listening to and was the one who was completely silent.

(Illustrations are quoted from Dilbert, by Scott Adams, © UFS)

Comments

[Jason]

I prefer playing Buzzword Bingo to keep my mind occupied.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buzzword_bingo

[Chamin]

I am Sri Lankan, and behave exactly as Nury describes.

I used to carry a few photos in my notebook. Then came the iPhone, and things became easier :o)

[Angela]

Yesterday I avoided one meeting by taking sick leave. Before that I avoided another meeting by claiming that I need to finish a very important monthly report that customers are waiting for. Previously I avoided another meeting by pretending to be at a meeting outside the office (at Starbucks).

I think that before I retire or get fired, whichever comes first, I would have become an expert at making up excuses to stay out of meetings.

If I am really forced to attend, I come in late, spilling my tea all over the carpet from the door to my seat, next to the boss, (no apologies at all for the mess) and keep my silence until my turn to give update then I keep my silence throughout the torturous process (I have to nod a lot though and pretend to look thoughtful). After the meeting I cannot for the life of me remember what was discussed because my mind was thinking of new excuses I could use for future meetings, to avoid the torture.

Can you guess my nationality?

[fardel]

Caribbean already?

[Angela]

Close :) also an islander.

Hmm..maybe islanders have similar traits.

[TS]

I avoided going to a series of meetings about "the new direction and challenges in our industry relating to our company", by telling my boss that I would soon be returning to Australia soon and that it would be a waste of my and the company's time.
He agreed and I missed out on the endless 5Ps of boredom (Piss Poor Power Point presentations).

In the end we decided not to go to Australia right away, so now I'm the only one not confused about the company goals (making money, I presume).

[TS]

D'oh, too many soons :-)

[Gina]

I like meetings when I don't have to do anything...just sit, watch presentations, feel important when phone rings and I say "Can I call back, I'm in a meeting." and enjoy the urgency of the caller to apologetically hang up. Enjoy goof ups people make, watch who is wearing what...the list is endless...I'm Bangladeshi by the way...

[Steve O]

This only works if you have long hair. Earbuds in the ears. Movie on the iphone. Phone on lap. let the boss go on with his yada yada yada. who cares? you're away in movieland.

[Karuna]

>> "bosses would issue orders to his department based on incorrect assumptions."
hmm ~ this is true almost always. A boss as you all suspect, do not have answers to most of the things. Many times they are also on Nury's blog writting comments like this.
So the way it works in a meeting is that. When we start a meeting, we start with an assumption. Throw it at some unsuspecting staff. Then, the staff would start to explain, refute, expand, etc on the assumption.

Many times with gentle prodding in the right direction by the boss, the staff would tie themselves up with their own words and confirm they spend more time at Starbucks!!

After that it is easy. Boss make the decision.
99% of staff take the bait. The 1% are like Nury's friend. They can not be staff for long. They are good boss material :)

[tom]

I worked on y2k problems until December 1999 and then retired. I've been happy ever since.

[Ricardo Cabeza]

Don't know about "Westerners". Too general.
I used to attend meetings chaired by a German and they were among the best, ie least bad, that I've been to. He pushed through the agenda and shut up anyone who blathered or went off at tangents. Actually got things done.
I'm now on a project with Italians. The meetings are interminable and utterly pointless. Endless babble, hand waving, shouting and argument with no result. Everyone acts like Berlusconi.
And you didn't mention Japanese. The meetings go on and on. The boss has already decided what he wants but won't actually issue an order. The meeting must continue until the thickest person in the room has worked out what the boss wants and consensus can be reached. If there are gaijin in the meeting it will be in English. But, later on it will drift into Japanese, the cigarettes will be fired up and then the grog brought out. At this point even the gaijin realize that the business is over and it's now just chat. But it's still bad form to leave. Hell on Earth!

[Sam]

LOL

[Sham]

If it were a meeting of Malaysians, at least 1 in every 5 people will be asleep. Even our former prime minister has been caught in the act on several occasions.

One guy in our company frequently nods off during every meeting.. heavy breathing, but not full fledged snoring. But amazingly, he manages to wake up with a startle and continue where he left off like nothing happened.

[Angela]

I once worked for a boss who is like what Karuna described. He started the company from scratch and built a successful business which he later sold to a conglomerate. A charismatic speaker, his passion, enthusiasm, and sincerity is very contagious during meetings. He is an inspiring individual and can bring out the best in people.

But bosses like him is rare and comes far and few in between. Meanwhile, bosses who are hired to manage a ready-made business will do so very differently. This is when meetings become a long and arduous process of political power play which at the end will leave some people over inundated with tasks and others tai-chi-ing responsibilities and claiming credits later on.

Ricardo, a very successful German businessman told me his concentration during meetings lasts exactly 60 minutes so no matter how long the agenda is, he would cattle-prod everyone to stay focus, get things done, and finish the meeting before the hours is up and his mind starts to fly over the atlantic ocean or dive in the great barrier reef.

[fardel]

Italian hand waving
This is the reason why , in Italy, it is prohibited to talk to bus drivers:they speak with their hands

[Chamin]

Ricardo's right about Japanese meetings. The decisions are made either before or after the meeting, what happens is either reporting what happened previously or guessing what the boss decides or decided.

Westerner in Japanese meeting: tries to argue and get decisions made within the meeting. Grumbles to the spouse/sweetheart later in the day. Occasionally writes to "Japan Times" about it.

Sri Lankan in Japanese meeting: knows it is completely safe not to say anything, and enjoys the photos hidden in the notebook :o). Laughs when there is the occasional joke.

[sej]

When I worked for a big corp, there'd be enough meetings where the agenda would be covered in ten minutes flat, but it would take the next 50 minutes to decide where and when the next one would take place.... like they even needed another one...

[Vince A]

Being of the Filipino persuasion, I confess to always being mentally absent at meetings.

But Nury's article and the comments piqued my interest and made me take a closer look at the multicultural meetings we have in Australia.

As you know, us Asians who have migrated Down Under try hard to fit in culturally in our new land. (We do this by turning Australians into Asians).

But sometimes our old ways seem to show up in office meetings. Your experience may vary, but I noticed where I work:

- At every meeting, Kim our North Korean colleague always asks if anyone has extra rice for his family, and warns "merciless annihilation" if he gets none.

- Whenever anyone suggests we take a vote on an issue, our Burmese colleague threatens to put them under house arrest.

- Our Tibetan secretary just meditates in the corner. Each time we ask her her opinions, our administrator, who is from China warns us not to talk to her.

- Our Indian computer programmer seems unfomfortable that he always has to sit between our Chinese colleague and our Pakistani security officer. And he always keeps an eye on how many pens the Chinese person has, always making sure he has at least as many.

- At every meeting our Mongolian custodian Khan would reminisce about the good old days when much of the building was occupied by his compatriots, including large swathes of the West wing. Someday, he says, they will do so again.

- Yuri, Our Russian colleague will smile and patronizingly pat the head of the Mongolian, and then ask if anyone need to upgrade their Soviet era scissors, paper cutters, envelope openers, and kitchen knives.

- Beware of disagreeing with our Taiwanese colleague, who will jump at you and punch you clumsily (He's the son of a neighbor of a politician in Taipei)

- I think we have a Malaysian in the meeting but nobody notices.

- The Japanese and South Korean hate it when they are seated together. Chun recalls the days when Hiro sat on Chun's chair for several years, forcing Chun to sit on the floor. Hiro denies it, even though there are meeting minutes attesting to it. (And Hiro still rubs salt on the old wound by bringing in Japanese-made Kimchi to our meetings).

- We have an American, of course. Nice fellow, good-intentioned, best friend you can have, but the loudest mouth and the least fluent in standard English.
Always uses unintelligible idioms like cutting mustards, digging heels, circling wagons, and heading the pass.

- The best of the bunch, the industrious Australians, just watch accommodatingly, munching on "dim sims" certain that at the end of the day "she'll be right".

[Uli]

Ricardo, I glad for you to have found one German who was good at conducting meetings, however, don't think all Germans are like that. One meeting I had to attend as the "minute taker" (which is the worst position you could have) about 20 high ranking officals and highly paid consultants (only Germans) were meeting for three hours (!!!). After that meeting I asked whether they wanted "disuccion minutes" or "resolution minutes". When he answered "resolution minutes" I told him that I'd have it ready in about five minutes. It consisted of merely the listing of participants, location, date and time of the meeting, the agenda and that all points to be decided were postponed after long discussions...
In other meetings which I cannot evade I always carry my paper notebook and a pen to draft new "murders on paper" ;-)
And I tell you that sometime the most astonishing murder methods enter my head when attending to especially boring meetings

[fardel]

Not surprising

[sej]

It's not exactly murder, but I reckon flatulence could be a very influential factor in determining when a meeting will end, particularly when you've got 10 people crammed into a meeting room which can only hold 4.

Hmmm... where's those baked beans when you need 'em??

[stef]

how about people with mixed blood? (is 75% chinese and 25% filipina). hehe.