Folk who get honorary degrees

 

Why study like these girls when you can get qualified for nothing?

EEEK! Exam results are arriving in letter boxes.

At schools, universities and polytechnics all over the world, students are receiving certificates, baccalaureates, doctorates, polycarbonates, barbiturates and so on.

Many are celebrating in time-honoured fashion by losing their caps on rooftops, balconies and awnings.

But some get bad news. They’re notified that they have failed, despite having spent long days and nights toiling over a hot beer, er, computer, in their halls of learning or (let’s be honest here) the bars and discos thereof.

Yet despite the high rate of competition in the education sector, there’s surprisingly little envy. Students laugh or cry with each other, except for the occasional jealous murder, which can be attributed to youthful high spirits.
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One reader sadly failed to get his degree for the second time, despite having set aside four years of his life and a small fortune.

He asked for advice.

I informed him that actually, there is a cost-free, study-free way to get a top degree from a top university: simply get an Honorary Degree.
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1. Noddy Holder, singer of a British group called Slade, got one from a British university for his “services to art and literature”, which consisted of co-writing musical masterworks such as Coz I Luv You, Mama Weer All Crazee Now and You Boyz Make Noize.

Is your spelling worse than his? No problem.

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2. Rapist Mike Tyson got a Doctorate in Humane Letters for his wide range of skills, which include assaulting women in hotel rooms and biting the ears off opponents.
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3.Too nice to molest women or bite bits off men? You can get a degree simply for being a hunk. Arnold Schwarzenegger got one for this reason, and Tom Selleck got one for services to the cause of mustache-wearing.

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4. Pierce Brosnan got one for repeatedly saving the world from evil geniuses, but I suspect they mistook Mr Brosnan for the role he played (James Bond).
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5. What if you are small, unattractive and completely talent-free, such as the present writer? Not a problem. The ghastly-looking Robert Mugabe has two honorary degrees, and his only skill is being monstrously evil.

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If you have no skills at all, not even negative ones, you can STILL get an honorary degree the Asian way: simply be born rich.

One Hong Kong guy recently received a doctorate for being the son of one of the world’s richest men.

His three main achievements:

1.) He was born fabulously wealthy.

2) His dad gave him a top job and a massive salary.

3) Er. That’s it.

Honorary degrees were invented by Oxford University in the late 1470s. Administrators wanted rich, powerful friends, so they gave an un-earned degree to the king’s brother-in-law. Other universities followed suit.
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These days, you don’t even have to be human. Long Island University in the US awarded one to Kermit the Frog, a hand puppet made of green felt.

This news made me shake my head at the folly of the world, which can be summed up in the words of Noddy Holder, PhD:

Mama, weer all crazee now.

Comments

[TS]

Hey! Back off from Noddy, Slade was one of the best bands from 70s. True honest beer drinking rockers rather than those pot smoking hippies like Pink Floyd and Deep purple, which probably got more honary degrees anyway because they appealed to all those pot dizzy intellectual university students that now runs the universities.

You do know what Arthur C. Clarke had to say about intellectuals, right?

[Nury]

No, what did Arthur C Clarke say about intellectuals? Wasn't he one himself?

Actually, I was a Slade fan in the old days and can still hum many of their hits. Not sure if they deserve a degree though.

One of my standard grumbles is that people in music and movies are absurdly over-praised (not to mention over-paid) for their contributions while people who sacrifice much more for society, like social workers and teachers and nurses etc, get no rewards at all.

[Tom Napolitano]

1.) He was born fabulously wealthy.
2) His dad gave him a top job and a massive salary.
3) Er. That’s it.

Or you can become POTUS. No reading required.

[TS]

Intellectual: Someone who has been educated beyond his/her intelligence.

I completely agree with the over-praised and over-paid people in music and movies.
Also the way that people see them as someone to imitate, I know nothing sadder than seeing a teenage girl in the street made/dressed up to look like Amy Winehouse.

[Shaik Anwar Ahamath]

Robert Mugabe must top the list for getting awards, including a knighthood from Britain when he was a friend in 1994. What is now laughable is the reason some of them gave for giving him the award:
1) Significant contributions to relations between Britain and Zimbabwe.
2) Extraordinary discipline and quality statemanship.
3) Translating moral ethic into a strong, popular voice for freedom.
4) Pointed the way for Africa.
5) Human development throughout Africa.

[ache]

Mr. TS didn't really get the point, did he?