The chilli bomb is here

 

The red condiment on your table is now officially a weapon

WHAT’S THAT FLYING through the air? A bird? A plane? Superman? No, it’s a vindaloo grenade. Indian scientists told the BBC they were putting bhut jolokia (ghost chilli) into weapons.

This is stuff is much spicier than most restaurant curries, but not as hot as my uncle Ernie’s chicken madras, the creation of which requires nuclear fission and could easily trigger a chain reaction leading to planet-wide meltdown.
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But the concept of curry grenades is definitely appealing. If you have to die, at least it’s a natural death: “Gravely wounded by a flying chicken tikka masala he limped to the front line where he was finished off by a double-vindaloo he caught full in the face.”
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It’s intriguing to speculate as to where this could lead, especially with US President Barack Obama campaigning to disarm nuclear weapons around the world. If they go, what would be left but for nations to have international geopolitical food fights?

Japan, after being convicted of being Very Naughty Indeed during World War II, was ordered by the world community to promise never to develop military gear. But it does have one super-powerful weapon: wasabi, that neon green stuff that blows the top of your head off. 

And what about the British? A single teaspoon of Coleman’s Mustard is enough to bring tears to the eyes of a statue. A jar of the yellow rocket-fuel could easily bring down a battalion of troops. Especially since French mustard is mild and fussy and American mustard has the same Scoville (spiciness) rating as water.
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When I was young and stupid (as opposed to old and stupid) I sat down with some like-minded friends and we brewed up the hottest chilli sauce we could think of. South Asian chilli burns your mouth, English mustard brings agony to your nose and eyes, and wasabi blows the back of your head off. So we mixed all three and put it in our mouths. It blew our entire heads right off. We were SO happy.
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And therein lies a mystery. Why do men like pain? Psychologist Paul Rozin says guys are biochemically designed to suffer extreme risk at regular intervals. They evolved to fight sabre-toothed tigers. These days there are no tigers to fight, so men unconsciously create similar feelings of pain and fear and horror through eating chilli, trying extreme sports, riding roller coasters, and of course, getting married.
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A knowledgeable reader from the law enforcement sector told me that chilli-based weapons are already available on the international market, but laws on using them differ from place to place. In the Philippines, everyone carries some sort of pepper spray; men, women, children, and even some of the more sophisticated household pets.

They can also be used in India and South Korea. “But in Hong Kong, a chilli-based spray would be classified as armaments under chapter 238 of the Firearms and Ammunition Ordinance. Possession is punishable by 14 years in prison,” my ex-police source said.
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If the United Nations weapons inspectors ever tasted my Uncle Ernie’s curry, they would lock him up for life. This would probably be a good thing for all concerned. If North Korea’s Kim Jong-Il gets to him first, this planet would be in big trouble.

Technorati Tags: chilli,grenade,wasabi,coleman's mustard

Comments

[Sham]

Did you know that chillies have been used for centuries by South Asian parents as a weapon of torture for misbehaving little kids (chilli powder rubbed into their eyes / made to chew raw chillies)? I know its sick, but maybe the boys would have enjoyed the pain in a sado kind of way?

[stef]

i remember my older brother being force-fed raw chili when he was being punished when he was young

[farah]

that's so brutal stef.
whenever i have anything hot and spicy i always have to be armed with small white wispy tissue papers to combat running nose and tears.

[emk]

I remember a school friend who played a trick on her little brother by putting cut up pieces of 'cili padi' (bird's eye chillies - VERY SPICY) into his fried rice...
Her punishment was to eat the same chillies whole, one by one (don't remember how many). Suffice to say she learned her lesson.

[Angela]

I accidentally ate a small bit of chili padi last night with my ikan bilis and kacang and it took a full pitcher of ice cold water to wash away the burning sensation in my mouth.

Strange thing about chili though, it stimulates my appetite for rice. Must by an Asian trait.

Once while cooking I handled chilis with bare hands and my hands were burning for almost two days. I washed so many times, tried olive oil, lotion, calamine, anything and everything well-meaning friends suggested, but nothing works. When I accidentally rubbed the itch at the corner of my eye, my eyes started burning too. I was so desperate I resorted to the traditional remedy from my grandmother.
Too disgusting to say it here but it's the same as when you get stung by jellyfish :)

[PG]

when I was small I tricked my brother into eating a huge blob of wasabi... I told him it was ice-cream.

[fardel]

The first time I ate wasabi, I thought it was guacamole.

[Vince A]

Angela, if you have rubbing alcohol at home, pour some on a cotton ball and use it to clean off the chili. It worked miraculously for me.

[Angela]

Thanks Vince A. If only i had known that
:-) now i always use disposable plastic gloves when handling chili.

Fardel, wasabi is japanese guacamole. If you put jalapeno in the guacamole i think you would be able to replicate similar intensity
;-)

Do you use chili in french or in caribbean cooking?

[fardel]

Neither
in this my side of the world ( i.e my cooking) jalapeno pepper is used in Mexico ( or mexican dishes) .like guacamole or mole poblano ( chicken in cacao sauce)
for Caribbean dishes ( small caribbean islands) we use the mild pepper which give a unique flavor to the dish, without being too hot
otherwise we use the bird pepper which is explosive ( the technique is to boil the dish without busting the skin )
the flavor is different from the mild pepper
If you bust the skin , you can as well throw the dish

For tuna fish à la bascaise we use Espelette pepper
for couscous , harissa pepper

for pizzas ,small mediterranean peppers are marinated in olive oil with herbs
If they might all classify as "chili" the final result is totally different ( in our cooking styles the flavors are subtle, not explosive

In french cooking ( like steak, roast beef , lamb legs we use the black or grey or pink pepper seed ( the seed from a tree)
Mustard is used on grilled meats and tastes like wasabi .
bon appétit

[TS]

The heat from chillies and wasabi/mustard is very different.
Chillies makes your mouth burn and wasabi/mustard makes your nose burn.

Also pepper are different form chilli. We got Asian friends who can eat dishes so hot from chilli that it feels like eating lava, yet when presented with a moderately spiced dish like pepper crab, they break out in a sweat an start fanning their mouths.

[Angela]

I can eat nasi goreng with chili but I can't stand wasabi or mustard.

[fardel]

A lot of forest fires have spread through Europe since the beginning of the week.
Is this a coincidence,or did any of you leave a friend there with Asian chili in his luggage?
Since no chemical /water/fire retardants known to man can control those fires , anybody with information should contact CHILI , the Commission on Hot Incendiary Lighting Items;
Anonymity is guaranteed

[TS]

In particular, the mayor of Venezia was very distressed, in a statement he said: "After the forest fire swept through our city, not one single tree remain at Piazza San Marco".

A man with rose coloured glasses have been seen selling, what he claim to be, the hottest sauce in world. He is sought for questioning by CHILI.
He was last seen in France, being thrown out of a restaurant because he called their mustard "watery".
It is thought that he will travel to UK, home of most curries, in attempt to get the English to stop their filthy habit of using vinegar on their chips.

[Chamin]

The first time I ate wasabi, I ate all of it at once, instead of mixing it with sauce. I think I got a quick demo of nuclear fission.

I just discovered that Mexicans make their share of WMDs in terms of pickled chilies. Tried them last night (I'm in San Diego right now),and felt as if it set fire to the entire digesting system.

[fardel]

it is probable that the ones you tasted had been previously boiled in water for the US market;
Had you tasted them on the other side of the border, you would still be trying to recover.
Now you understand why the swine flu was controlled in no time in Mexico;
What germ can resist jalapenos?

[Angela]

Did u go to the old town san diego? Food is good there but across the border in Tijuana its better and margarita n tequila shots are cheaper and you get one for one. Just dont bring ur valuables. All u need is us$ enuff for food n booze n maybe souvenir poncho ;-)

pasen bien amigo!

[Chamin]

Hi Fardel and Angela,

Thanks for the tips. Yes, the jalapnenos that I tried seemed boiled. May be I should by some originals to scare germs away from my home.

I visited old town, that was fun. Unfortunately, they did not let me cross to Tijuana (I have heard that they have the weirdest immigration rules there, but this is not uncommon for someone having a Sri Lankan passport). Well, may be next time.

[Uli]

Plain white rice or bread helps me to control the burning sensation in the mouth after having eaten whatever kind of chili / jalapenos / hot sauce etc.
But what helps "the day after" I still haven't found out....

[gilysse]

Angela, so what? You cure-jelly-fish into your eyes? :P

Nice post, and the punishment of putting chillis into one's eyes is sick!

[kamagra]

I really enjoy spicy food. But I'm also a sweet lover.

[fardel]

Not related to today's columns 'how to get arrested" but

Who knows
Maybe it is
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/travelnews/4344890/Virgin-the-worlds-best-passenger-complaint-letter.html?sms_ss=email&at_xt=4cea9fdc3a1393d3,0

[fardel]

Is this be related to today's comments?
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/travelnews/4344890/Virgin-the-worlds-best-passenger-complaint-letter.html?sms_ss=email&at_xt=4cea9fdc3a1393d3,0