Jacko meets Elvis

 

Who is the king? Or are both contenders surprisingly similar?

SCOOP! TODAY WE BRING you an exclusive report from The Afterlife.

The scene: a quiet street in a swish suburb of heaven assigned to music stars. A big house is topped with a neon sign which says “The King”.
*
In the front garden, a chubby man in his early forties is watering his plants and singing to himself: “Since mah baby lef’ me. I found a noo place ta go.”

He looks up as a thin man with lank black hair appears, moonwalking along the pavements.

The newcomer points to the sign with his white-gloved hand. “I see you guys prepared a house for me,” he says.

“Sorry, bud,” says the stocky homeowner. “There’s only room fer one king round here. And that’s me.”

The thin man looks aggrieved. “But I’m the king of pop. I sold hundreds of millions of albums.”

The chubby man replies: “Ah sold a billion.”

The thin man twitches nervously. He thinks about moving on but then looks again at the word “king” in neon letters. He decides to fight for it. Making stabbing motions with his gloved hand, he launches into an argument. “You need more than album sales, you need the full rock star package. That’s what I had. I was totally eccentric and lived in a big mansion filled with bizarre mementoes. And I was as famous for my hot moves as my singing. Now that’s a rock star.” He does a quick moonwalk on the pavement to demonstrate.

Elvis (for it is he) replies: “You’re a mime?”

The other man is furious. “I am not a mime.”

“That ‘dance’ is jes’ lesson one, normal walking, for any mime. And that white face. Ah jes’ thought….”

“I am the total rock star package,” the thin one repeats.

Elvis puts down his watering can. “Ah had all that stuff too. Mah mansion was called Graceland. And mah dancing was so hot they weren’t allowed to show mah hips on TV. So ah think ah’ll jes’ keep mah title if you don’t mind.”

The thin man is determined now, and he isn’t giving up without a fight. “The mansion and the cool moves were just the start. The main thing is that you gotta be baaad, know what I’m saying? I always talked about moral values, but wasted my fortune on junk. I was worth a billion dollars and ended up owing people money. Ah spent four million dollars just on statues.”

Elvis, 42, replies: “Ah did ‘xactly the same thing. Wasted a huge fortune on junk. Maybe me and you is twins.”

The newcomer, 50, is clearly taken aback.  “I’m sure I was badder than you,” he insists, although he is starting to sound unsure of himself. “I was addicted to drugs. My favourite was Demerol. When I died, first they said it was a heart attack, and then they said it was probably Demerol.”

Elvis scratches his head. “Now that’s weird. Ah was also addicted to drugs. When Ah died, they said it was a heart attack, and then they blamed Demerol. Ah died jus’ before startin’ a new concert series.”

“So did I,” says the thin man. “But I’m telling you, there was no way you were as bad as I was. I got in trouble over my interest in underage fans. Now that’s really baaaad.”

Elvis shakes his head. “Sorry, mistah, you ain’t badder than me. Ah also liked the young ones. Ask a 14-year-old gal called Priscilla. Check out mah biographies.” The King tilts his head to one side and looks puzzled. “But there’s one thing ah’m suspicious of. Pop stars are usually good lookin’. I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but you are one mighty weird-looking fella.”

The thin man nods sadly. “Yeah. I used to be young and freshfaced and nice-looking. But I lost my looks as I got older. It was my own fault.”

Elvis nods. “Same story with me. Ah had ever’thing in life when ah was alive, ‘xcept for one thing: a buddy.”

The newcomer agrees. “Me too. Wanna drink?”

“Sure.”

“Can we get Demerol round here?”

Elvis puts his arm around the thin man’s shoulders. “Buddy, we’re in heaven now. You don’t need it.”

Comments

[Christy]

Awwww, for some strange reason I find this a very sweet tale?!

This reminds me of the sesame street episode where Andrea Bocelli sings Elmo to sleep, changing his "Time to Say Goodbye" to "Time to Say Goodnight".

[Antony]

Christy i also find this a sweet tale. it is interesting how many parallels there are in their lives, including demerol. but Nury you missed one. Both of them have the same woman in their lives. lisa marie presley.

[Dcob]

The ending was touching

[godiva]

Nury did not miss the part on Lisa.. there's a sequel to this where Elvis learns that part of Jacko's life. Whether they agree to make Jacko as Prince instead (which will become a problem when Prince, the other singer, dies).. or they will call Elvis as King and Jacko as the Heir Apparent. So Nury, I'll be waiting for the part 2

[TS]

In the sequel they decide to divide the country of modern music in two, the land of Rock and the land of Pop and both become kings.
When Prince (the artist formally known as the artist formally known as Prince) turns up he, will finally have to decide if he wants to be the prince of rock or pop.

[Sham]

I doubt Prince will qualify for the same suburb. But having said that, i would love to see how Part 2 pans out. Nury, why dont u get godiva and TS to collaborate and write it for you?

[Chaity]

It is wierd how the most famous and most loved people also happen to be the most lonely people on this planet. People would kill to live their lives while these celebrities kill themselves with drugs to end their desolate lives. Money paired with fame seems to have an inverse relationship with happiness, the richer and more famous you get, the more unhappy you become.

[TS]

Also, Prince (the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince) meets a beautiful woman called Desiree Heslop and sweet music ensues.

[godiva]

Several minutes later, booze freely flowed (into the kings, of course) and so did words (out of the kings). Thus Elvis learned that at some point in his life, Jacko was married to Lisa Marie. Elvis concluded “So, you practically mah son then, bud!”. Jacko goes: “Oh gee, yes!”

“This here calls foh a celebration. Where’s my Queen so we can get this party started?”

Just then a man wearing tight-fitting pants came in humming a familiar tune usually heard in sports venues… we will, we will rock you…..

[TS]

"Who are you?": asked the tight-fitting pants wearing man with a dark moustache and a v-neck shirt open down to his navel showing all his chest hair.

JM: "I'm the King of Pop."

FM: "I used to be the Queen of both Rock and Pop and I had a go at Opera as well. You my friend are an impostor, you look nothing like Michael Jackson."

MJ: "I really am!, I know that Oprah Winfrey you mentioned before very nice person and a personal friend of mine."

FM: "We should do something together because We Are The Champions."

[godiva]

JM: "Yeah right. We are the world too."

[TS]

FM: "Let's do everything, I Want It All."

[Nury]

Godiva and TS, this is excellent, really funny, you should write a book

[Nury]

By the way, I will be making a brief appearance on TV this morning to talk about dead celebrities. It will be on Bloomberg channel about 11.50 am, Hong Kong time, which I believe is GMT plus eight. It's a live appearance and you can email in questions and comments.