3 Things You Should Never Say

 

Telling me to cheer up may be the last words you ever speak

YOUR HUMBLE NARRATOR saw a parent performing the time-honoured ritual of losing it.

"Stop looking at me like that," she screeched, red in the face, jumping up and down. Her child was so astonished that he couldn’t take his eyes off her, and neither could the rest of us. Business at the supermarket came to a complete halt for a minute, which, given current prices, suggests a multi-billion dollar loss. My trolley alone contained close to a million dollars' worth of basics, that is, two jars of coffee and a capsicum.

If I'd had been quicker, I could have recorded the scene on my camera-phone and garnered four billion hits on YouTube, now that we're living in an age where quality entertainment is defined as shaky camera-phone videos of people having tantrums.
*
The following day, I saw a woman at a bus stop hollering: "STOP CRYING," at a small child. Incredibly, being screamed at did not turn his tears to joy. I tried to think of a polite way of telling her she should be jailed for being an utterly hopeless parent. (I'm still working on it).
*
Both the above are self-defeating utterances. Another is: "Go to sleep". I know parents who whisper it, coo it, croon it, shout it and shriek it, it never occurring to them that they are asking the impossible. Adults cannot fall asleep to order, so why think children can?

The easy way to get a child to sleep is give her something she CAN do. "I’m not asking you to go to sleep," I tell my daughter. "I just want you to lie there quietly and think of ponies and puppies and birthday cake." Thirty seconds later she is in a coma that a one megaton nuclear bomb in the bedroom could not disturb. (I’ve tried it.)
*
But the self-defeating phrase I hate most is: "Cheer up." I’m not sure why this is, but you can approach any person suffering from low spirits, and tell them to cheer up, and they will immediately turn into a psychotic mass murderer. I’m one myself. One moment I’m feeling mildly depressed, my wife says, “Cheer up,” and the next thing I know I’m knee-deep in blood and there are corpses strewn as far as the eye can see. It happens every time.
*
Meanwhile, back to that woman at the bus stop shouting at her child. I stroll past them and pause, staring at the ground. "Eww, look at that HUGE beetle," I exclaim.

"Where?" says the mother stepping backwards.

"Where?" says the child, stepping forwards.

"There," I say, pointing to a small bug on the pavement.

"That's not HUGE," objects the child, brows furrowed.

"Have you seen a bigger one, then?" I ask.

"LOADS of times," he says, with that deep solemnity reserved for small boys talking about things which are important to them.

The crying has been forgotten. Self-defeating statements not needed. The secret of child psychology is understanding kids’ priorities. For small boys, bugs are important.

So promise me: never say “stop crying”, “go to sleep” or “cheer up” to anyone, child or adult again. Or at least, not until I have the camera phone ready. YouTube and I are standing by for you to make us famous.

Comments

[Jules]

I think the worst thing you can say to someone who's upset is: calm down. (particularly if you're the reason they're upset in the first place.)

In my experience - from the sidelines, with popcorn and a can of soda - this guarantees a ballistic and very likely bloody response.

[ABKF]

I've experienced similar instances all through my life. My parents typically utter phrases like that.

But, as you say if one wants something done, there is an appropriate way of conveying the message.

One can talk the matter over in the sense it gets done. Psychology is the key !!!

[Mira]

So true. Its all psychology. In the bigger picture, nations at war don't need people telling them to stop it. They just need something more exciting and as Nury so rightly pointed out, someone to understand their priorities. One of which should be reading Mr. Jam's Curious Diary every morning.
Do you have fans from warring nations, Nury? PS you may add "warring" in your new words update, if its a new word at all.

[Fianne]

Nice. Other things that should never be said might be "Don't be upset" and "(someone's name) can do it so much better than you did", and the last but not least, "I knew it".

[Santosh Sadasivan]

With the advancement of technologies and its subsequent addiction, life is becoming more and more complex, jammed between the huzzle and buzzle of daily routine.Here what we has kept aside is the empathy, emotions, sacrifice and values to a larger extent. Will you take me to Park today.. a father receives a message amidst meeting on his mobile... In becoming an adult, we have lost the child within us, we don't laugh these days, we get amused sometimes. When we hear some jokes, we appreciate it!! and when we hear some old jokes retuned, we say " oh! that i have heard" without even hearing it all..and the worst that we take home the assignment from office and bring no tiffins from home.

[Vince A]

In my 16 years of experience as a parent (16 being the sum of my children's ages), I have discovered that these words have already been packaged into poppable pills:

"Stop crying" - M&Ms
"Go to sleep" - sleeping pills
"Cheer up" - anti-depressant pills

[TS]

One night during my time in Singapore, I was given a lift home from work by a colleague.
He told me that would he have liked to stay longer at work, but that he had promised his five year old son that they would go out for an ice cream.
When he dropped me off in Tampines, it was five minutes to ten a night.

[Mushfiq]

Stop crying is typical, but ever seen parents beating (punishing) there child, and at the same time telling them to stop crying?

I have, and i can tell you one thing, this way, a person (in long time) can actually forget crying

[Ismsons]

Nury,
I just broke up with my Girl Friend.. actually she broke up with me, the reason is I did not like certain persanality traits my GF had and I just realised after reading this article that I use to order her to change her ways....now shes gone and i am stuck passing time reading your articles...AND THIS ARTICLE DOESNT HELP...

[Jade]

Guilty! Of All Three Accounts!

[farah]

3 things that i never want to hear from my mom but always do,
1. you're uncouth, rude and a disobidient girl blah blah blah (just for refusing to do a simple task)
2. she/he is so much better than you. what do you do? i wish i could have a child just like him/her.
now at this point the fight escalates and i'm crying,
3, stop crying! i dont like crying in my house.

(geez i wish my mom would read this article AND my post)

[sej]

I was upset with my son today, because we're trying to get packed for our trip to China and HK, and I keep telling him to not be so lazy and/or inconsiderate, etc., etc., etc.,...

He comes out with "Calm down!!, Don't be so upset!!"

[sen]

Can y0u puhleese indent y0ur c0l0umn just a tad, as right n0w it seems I am missing part 0f y0ur sentence with the w0rds being flush t the left f the screen
Thank y0u

[Chamin]

The self-defeating phrase I used to hear from my mom at the dinner table:

"Shut up and eat!"

[Meglev]

Nury. This is from CNN about MJ's vitiligo disease

Check this link out to find out the truth:

http://edition.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/07/06/skin.color.vitiligo/index.html

[Ellen]

meglev, you have committed the worst sin anyone can commit on this site: you are boring everyone else to death.

please go and set up your own blog and you can talk about michael jackson as much as you like.

why nury you don't have the sense to ban meglev i have no idea. he is spoiling this site for everyone

[Meglev]

Ellen,
What happened to FREEDOM OF SPEECH????

I will always re-incarnate in different forms, because i LOVE nury. I LOVE YOU NURY!!!

Stop wasting your time and spoiling the special relationship between nury and meglev.

[stevedore]

Ellen's right. Meglev you are a rude obsessive person who has no sensitivity for the tone of a conversation and you don't have the decency to stick to the right topic even. You're spoiling this site and scaring away other posters. Dont you understand. NOBODY CARES.

would nury or his webmaster kindly ban him.

[Meglev]

stevedore..

I love you too

[Nury]

Hi, guys, thanks for the comments above. Ellen and Stevedore, although I don't like to ban people, I do appreciate what you say.

Meglev, I wrote you a nice email yesterday or the day before asking you in a very friendly way to exercise self-control. But you haven't responded. Please read it if you haven't done so.

Ellen, your comment that the biggest sin is to be boring is bang on target. So let's all of us get over vitiglio and move on to subjects which are more interesting, which covers just about everything!

[Meglev]

Nury,

So do you think the vitiligo subject on MJ was not true?

i have posted you a link to CNN, explaining why people like you and others misunderstood on MJ about his disease.

For once, why dont you admit your mistake and appreciate SENSITIVITY once in a while.

read this and think about what you wrote earlier about MJ.

http://edition.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/07/06/skin.color.vitiligo/index.html

[Rika]

There is an elevated level to: 'Stop crying!'
It's: 'Stop crying!', smack, 'See, now you have something to cry about!'

However, I am so happy that I had my babysitting times when there were no mobile cameras around. I threw a tantrum once in a supermarket, screaming, crying, mumbling word nobody can understand... the full program.

Basically it was the mirror game. The little fella stopped his tentrum and was so embarrassed about this mad woman who insisted that she belonged to him. If he would have been able, he would have crossed the street and cut off any relationship with me.

When I grinned at him he blushed a bit and we had a good laugh. And since the other customers kept their distance we had the whole checkout for ourselves :o)