Red Bull and Jackpot Disasters

An energy drink’s troubles are an example of the Perfect Scandal

A DRINK CALLED Red Bull (“a headache in every can”) has been pulled off the shelves in several places, after an allegation that a molecule of cocaine was found in, under, or in the same street as a container of the stuff. Distraught company bosses are writing to newspapers to assure customers that the drink is fine.

Guys: relax. This is what I call a Jackpot Disaster. It may technically be bad news but in practice it’s the best thing that can happen. You see, Red Bull has spent millions promoting the stuff as a mind-blowing energy potion (“It gives you wings” is the slogan).

But in truth there are no unusual, life-altering substances in it. I tried it. After two cans, I was hyperactive, tense, fidgety and uncontrollable. In other words, no change.

The list of ingredients revealed why it had no effect on me. It was just a sweet fizzy drink with a caffeine level halfway between Coca-Cola and a double espresso.

A rumour that there might be a trace of something naughty in it is what it desperately needs to make it attractive to its target market, which is young people who stay up all night studying (“partying”) at halls of learning (“halls of partying”).

But one thing puzzled me. It tasted suspiciously familiar. A colleague said it was a straight copy of Krating Daeng, a drink served in small bottles in Thai massage parlours to keep the up the spirits (or something) of male customers. But this columnist is way too smart (as in “terrified”) to consume mysterious substances in Thai massage parlours.

I took one more sip and realized what it was. Red Bull is just a repackaged half-strength version of Livita, a Japanese drink sold in a little brown bottle all around Asia for at least 30 years. This was yet more proof that Asia makes great products but is incapable of marketing them. A 90-year-old Asian woman drinking Livita could flatten Arnold Schwarzenegger on Red Bull. But after the cocaine allegation, Livita can never catch up.

The concept of the Jackpot Disaster is well worth studying. This column recently told the tale of Kidz Bop, a children’s CD which was of minimal interest to its target market—until naughty words were found on it.

Lindsay Lohan, also known as Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, was a run-of-the-mill performer until she lost control of her personal life and became the world’s most-watched celebrity.

There are many boring people in Asia who are desperately in need of a Jackpot Disaster. Here are three proposed news items about people whose images would benefit from the right sort of problem – the Perfect Scandal, if you like.

1) “It was revealed last night that Chinese President Hu Jintao has full-body tattoos under his clothes.”

2) “Singapore was yesterday exposed as the kinky porn capital of the world.”

3) “Pope Benedict this morning admitted that he was addicted to breakdancing and spent most of his spare hours spinning on his head in a back room at the Vatican.”

See what I mean? If not, have a couple of cans of Livita and read this post again. It will miraculously make sense.

Substance abuse. You can’t beat it.

 

Technorati Tags: Red Bull,Livita,Krating Daeng,Lindsay Lohan,Pope Benedict,jackpot disaster

Comments

[Angela]

I always thought Red Bull is the english name of Krating Daeng, it is not?

Woohoo...yeah baby yeah! I am living in a kinky porn capital of the world!!!
(as of yesterday)

We need this image boost coz we've been known as "no sex in this city"

[Ked_one]

My understanding is this. Red Bull was uh "borrowed" from Krating Daeng but is a billion times more successful and the man who did it is now on the list of richest people in the world.

Krateng Deng in turn had been "borrowed" from Livita. Livita is the simplified name (for foreigners) of a Japanese drink called Lipovitan.

So I think the allegation that Asians can invent things but are incapable of marketing them is quite correct in itself.

As for Singapore, do you remember the survey that Palm did of the places which downloaded the most hand-held porn? Singapore was top, I believe. I hope your suggestions abotu the Pope and the pres of China are true too, but sadly I suspect not.

[Ked_one]

My understanding is this. Red Bull was uh "borrowed" from Krating Daeng but is a billion times more successful and the man who did it is now on the list of richest people in the world.

Krateng Deng in turn had been "borrowed" from Livita. Livita is the simplified name (for foreigners) of a Japanese drink called Lipovitan.

So I think the allegation that Asians can invent things but are incapable of marketing them is quite correct in itself.

As for Singapore, do you remember the survey that Palm did of the places which downloaded the most hand-held porn? Singapore was top, I believe. I hope your suggestions abotu the Pope and the pres of China are true too, but sadly I suspect not.

[farah]

from your column Nury all the excitement is in China, Honk Kong, Singapore, US and parts of Europe. this makes Bangladesh look very boring.

[Nury]

Hi, Farah, thanks for your comment. You know this column is written by its readers. Whatever ideas or anecdotes people send in via email or on the comments areas become the columns of the following days and weeks.

But I don't get much mail or email from certain countries, including Bangladesh. Not sure of the reason for this, but I sure would love to be able to feature your country more. Do send me any good anecdotes you see in your newspapers!
best wishes

[Oscar Lin]

I'd like to see the full-body tatoos of Hu Jingtao, though I don't wanna see his naked body!
Haha, so kinky, so funny!

[fardel]

How do Singaporean reproduce?
In test-tube after getting a permit?
( just curious, in case I would meet somebody nice from there)
By the way ,you all know where the biggest library on sex is located !?
(the answer is in Nury's story)
If Bengladesh is like the West of France ( where one has to drive 20 miles+, to find an internet connection) ,one undesrtands that little news come from there

[Angela]

Fardel, we don't reproduce, our population is in such a dire decline that we dont have time to wait for babies to be born then grow up and get education. To ensure continuous supply of human resources to support our nation's voracious hunger for development we simply import adults.

If you meet someone nice in singapore she has probably been imported from neighboring nation and she will eat silkworm.

[sej]

Actually, the Pope in the photo looks like he's from a punk rock band sporting a mohawk!

[Vince A]

I really enjoy the clever repartees between our sassy single Singaporean and our intrepid Caribbean aviator from the West, but I don't get the "eat silkworm" reference. Did I miss something?

[folliculitis]

woooow...well u were almost totally off. I respect your opinion though,

[vintage diecast cars]

Thank you very much for that information. I liked your blog, the topic is very interesting and I would love be more aware about
This was yet more proof that Asia makes great products but is incapable of marketing them. A 90-year-old Asian woman drinking Livita could flatten Arnold Schwarzenegger on Red Bull. But after the cocaine allegation, Livita can never catch up.

[fardel]

@vince A
...but I don't get the "eat silkworm" reference. Did I miss something?

Yes, you did

go back to your studies (i.e go back to study all the comments I and she put there)
It should be the day Uncle Nury talked about making clean electricity

[Ram]

Hope the image boost changed the status from "No sex in this city" to "Know sex in this city"...

[Christyn]

i'll get the ''sadhus'' of nepal to put redbull to shame.