12 reasons kindergarten teachers should rule the world

 

We’d all get a much-needed spanking for a start

THERE ARE FOUR MAJOR zones of violent civil unrest on this planet: Afghanistan, Iraq, the Gaza Strip, and my local international kindergarten. The last of these is by far the most frightening, as you can see in the looks of terror in the eyes of adults who have to enter.

Every morning at 8.15, hundreds of vicious fiends in human shape create a planet-shaking amount of noise and chaos that makes the Big Bang look like a soap bubble popping.

Yet every day at 8.30 am, a young female teacher marches onto the scene, claps her hands, barks a few words and peace descends instantly. Guns are dropped, throats are released, swords are sheathed, knuckle-dusters are pocketed and hundreds of tiny incarnations of Pure Evil sit quietly, cross-legged on the ground, thumbs in mouths. How does she do it?

The unavoidable conclusion is that this world would be a much better place if amazing women like her and her colleagues were put in charge of it. Why not give them the reins?

Here are 12 immediate benefits that would ensue If Kindergarten Teachers Ran The World.

1) There would be no need for elections. Everyone would have a go at being president as long as they all lined up and took turns nicely.

2) There would be no obesity because people would run around hyperactively while subsisting on tiny portions of pureed apples.

3) There would be no nightclubs, because we’d all be ordered to go to bed at 7.30 pm.

4) There would be no alcoholics or drunken drivers because people would only be allowed one Coca-Cola a week, and only if they promised not to get hyper.

5) There would be no need to spend billions on sewage systems because everyone can just do their stuff into nappies.

6) There would be no wars. If someone hits someone, they have to say sorry like they mean it and make up. “George? You go and give Saddam a biiiiig hug right now.”

7) Property developers would be kept busy because they would be constantly asked to produce multi-block structures which would be built and knocked over, built and knocked over, built and knocked over, ad infinitum.

8) The use of “time out” as a punishment would make prisons obsolete. If someone invaded a neighboring country, they would have to stay in their room for a week.

9) There would be no crime. If someone takes your stuff, they have to give it back and sit in the corner facing the wall.

10) There would be no need for massive movie budgets because Hollywood could make one film which would then be watched 73 times in a row with no loss of interest.

11) No one will ever get sick: people will have fantastically strong immune systems because they will be operating on the principle that items of food taste better when picked off the carpet.

12) There would be no bad behavior of any kind because anyone who does that sort of thing will get his bottie smacked and don’t think you won’t, because you will.

Don't you think it's a good idea? And adults, perverse creatures that we are, will actually enjoy the whole thing.

Want to spank someone, Miss Smith? Me first, me first!

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Comments

[Sham]

True... But think again:-

You would have to raise your hands each time you needed to use the loo;

And while you are using the loo, someone will be standing at the door asking you if you are sure you have finished and that there is no more 'left in there'.. and also to make sure you flush and wash your hands;

You would have to stand in line at an exact arms length from the next person each morning, before you are allowed to file quietly into the office;

You would have to sing the national anthem every morning, and irritating songs about animals and insects sporadically throughout the day;

You would get a hundred lines for every little offence like not meeting project deadlines, or being late for an appointment;

At the end of the day, you would have to wait quietly in line while you board the school bus;

At the end of each year, your parents will have to come in to the office to discuss your annual staff appraisal.

[Angela]

LOL..Sham, the last one takes the cake for me.

Imagine my Papa and Mama sitting in front of my boss's desk to hear that their daughter is always late to work and should improve her social skills because she likes to lunch alone reading the paper instead of eating with other people.

---

One afternoon I picked up my daughter from her school and it was a terrifying sight when at 430PM the bell rings and hundreds of pony-tailed girls in blue and white uniform and pink backpacks swarmed towards the exit where I was waiting, they look like the clone army of destruction. Took me over 20 minutes to identify my spawn and take her home.

[Jason]

My wife is a teaching assistant at the ESF kindergarten and yes the world would be a much better place with more like her. And your description of "tiny incarnations of pure evil" is exactly why I am trying to convince her why I don't want to have one of the little ecological disasters!

[Karuna]

oh ! Jason...do not take Nury seriously. Agree with your wife and have kids.
Your wife will do all the work to raise the kids.
You get to have all the fun. You can join the kids to collect earthworms, eat off the carper, throw a bucket of water on the neighbour's crazy dog, etc, etc.

[Jason]

But then at the end of the day, we'd only talk about the kids. Now, she normally asks me during the evening, "did you read Nury's column today?" as she reads it on the MTR on the way to work, and me at work when I'm trying to kill time!

[godiva]

jason, don't you want your conversation with your wife to go: "Hey, Nury's column today is reaallly greaaattt. Let's file it for our child to read someday." That's talking about the kid and Nury's column in one conversation. Doesn't have to be all about the kid.

[Sham]

Jason, I hope you boss doesn't read the comments on this site!!

[fardel]

Hi Nury ,this one is fun !
Hi Nury , this one is NOT fun

Women run the world, undirectly, by running us , men by the nose.
They dress sexy , we run for it (oops for them and get trapped)
We get married , we do not make a move without their consent

We have become prisoners of war
When we grow old they are still there ,watching
And worse, they live longer and watch us go ( relax , some of them DO cry )

Jason, listen to the advise of an old timer:

give up or ELSE;
By the way , having a child is a great way to develop new skills:
- patience, love, attention and care
-Changing diapers , waking up at night, walking up at night ( this stage does not last pas 3-10 months)
- Walking the kids in the day and meeting beautiful mothers ,doing the same thing, impressed by your attitude ( this works at last in the West)
- You will get lots of compliments there
- becoming a kid again ( review these columns about kidduls)
This is the best part
- Becoming a hero, a king ( do not worry , this stage does not last more than couple of years
This is a good part
- Becoming a financer ( this stage lasts longer than anybody could possible imagine )
This is the worse part ( It is not surprising that financers' compensations are so high)

Hi Mrs Jason ,
I did my part of the contract
You can wire the balance of the money now
what?!?
A 50 % discount for the 3 rd line!?
You are tough!

Hey Jason , again
I confirm,
give up or ELSE

Hi Angela
Not finding your spawn in a crowd is really scary;
It happened to me once.
I thought that women would recognize their offspring in a crowd faster than men?
Wow !
another myth collapses;

[Julie]

And don't forget, that our work activities would be more fun too. Instead of unsatisfying grown up pointless busy work like photocopying and filing we could do fun stuff like painting and bead making and colouring in. And the maths would be nice and easy. And we'd get gold stars on our work. And visits to the library during work time. But I think I would miss coffee . . .

[Angela]

Fardel, I thought I would spot her in a second but it was literally a sea of blue and white uniform and pink bags. Same black ponytails and missing front teeth. There were 3 pairs of twins too, in that afternoon swarm. It was like a game of "spot the difference", made me cross-eyed. I could not find her immediately, so I gave up and waited for her to find me, eventually.

I noticed though that some mothers found a creative solution and made their girls wear bright color hats or bee or alien antenna headbands..so they could be spotted easily. If only I could make mine wear a silly head piece like that :)

[fardel]

I like the poetic description
a sea of ponytails and missing teeth

[Dave the Rave]

Ha! Gotcha. I too liked Angela's writing and her poetic line, quoted above, about the sea of school uniforms and bags. but it possibly contravenes the discussion recently about mis-use of the word literally, see here: http://mrjam.typepad.com/diary/2009/05/epitaph-for-the-word-literally.html

unless of course there really was a billion cubic litres of school uniforms and pink bags sploshing around!

[Vince A]

Oh, if only the world was indeed run and ruled by kindergarten teachers, then MJ's plea to "Heal the World" has a chance, and "we could really get there."

It takes real kindergarten teachers for it to work though.

Our gaggle of UN politicians is not up to the task. They tried it, and we got Resolution 1718.

If you recall, this is the really scary letter that the UN sent to Kim Jong Il when he exploded a nuclear bomb in 2006, warning him:

1. Kim your behaviour was inappropriate.

2. Do not do it again.

3. Kim, you take back what you said about not playing with the other children anymore.

4. Kim, you should start playing with the other children again.

5. Kim, if you are in the middle of doing it again, don't.

6. Kim, don't even think of doing it again.

7. If you have other dangerous toys, please throw them away.

8. Everyone else has agreed they will not share with you any toys you can use to do it again. Furthermore, if you call us to borrow such toys, we will not pick up the phone.

9. However, we will not stop giving you our lunch money, bubblegum, candies, champagne.

10. However, if your call mentioned in #8 sounds important, we will pick up the phone and talk to you.

11. We will ask everyone to agree to with what we have said here.

12. We MAY decide to do other things later, but it will not be very different from above.

13. We've asked everyone not to hurt you or your feelings.

14. Kim, you should immediately come back and talk to us.

15. We will keep an eye on you.

16. If you do something else, you will get another letter like this.

17. We will NOT WAVER in our determination to tell you that your behaviour scares us.

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RIP MJ

[David V]

Another good thing if they were ruling the world is that you would be allowed to have 3h naps every afternoon (I am talking about french kindergardens, not sure if this is the case in Asia) which I desperately need by the way nowadays being a young father!

[fardel]

Here is a tip

When your baby is about to fall asleep, take him/her on a big sofa and lay down next to him/her holding him /her against your chest;
When his /her breathing will slow down , so will yours.
Have a good nap!
WARNING
DO not fall asleep first!!!!!

[sej]

David V: I used to get complaints from my son's Kindergarten teacher *EVERY* day after school that my son would go to sleep underneath the tables.

[farah]

if the world was a kindergarten then,
1. on spotting a roach we could have run around screaming on top of our lungs and blame it on us being kids.

2. there would have been no need to ponder over what to wear the next day since we would all have an uniform

3. no bad hair day coz it's ponytail all the way

4. during lunch hour we could have run around the whole office playing tag or hide and seek... taking care of our work-out

5. if the boss comes and shouts then we can always point at someone and say, 'it's not me...he did it' *pouting and crying*

[sej]

Farah: *AND* getting away with it!! :-)

[David V]

@sej: then my advise would be for you to send your son to France, over there napping represents 50% of kindergarden's curriculum

[Chamin]

Hi Fardel,

Thanks a million for the tip on napping. Looking forward to use it :o).