Twitters of the famous

Exclusive: Now you can tune in all day to celebrity thoughts

A BIZARRE NEW new habit called Twittering has taken the world's idle rich by storm.

You use your phone or computer to send out a constant stream of short news alerts (called "tweets"), so people know exactly what you are doing at all times of the day or night.

The word "Twitter" is derived from "twit", meaning "moron", and describes the users targeted by the service. (The original name was Pathetic Egomaniacs Anonymous.)

Intrigued by its popularity, I subscribed to the Twitter-streams of famous people. It was surprisingly interesting. Below are some of the more interesting updates.

Twitters of the Dalai Lama:

1. Woke at four am. Decided to spend five hours in prayer.

2. Finished that. Now I'll spend six hours in contemplation. 

3. Done that. Feeling bored. To jack up excitement level, will spend eight hours in meditation.

4. Time for bed. Feeling over-excited by action-packed day. Resolve to be less frenetic tomorrow.

 

 

 

Twitters of US Treasury secretary Timothy Geithner:

1. I'm having breakfast. Just got a call. Chrysler wants US$50 billion. Eggs a bit underdone.

2. Now I'm in the office. Send off the US$50 billion. That should hold them for a while.

3. Chrysler just called again. Needs further US$80 billion. Am going to make them wait until I get home.

4. Damn. I'm stuck on the freeway and my Chrysler just died on me. Shoot.

Twitters of Kim Jong Il, leader of North Korea:

1. Woke up. Still feeling cross about missile falling into the sea.

2. I send tweet to my chief engineer: "The sky is so big. How did you miss it?"

3. Chief engineer replies: "Dear Leader, your idea about using kimchee as cut price rocket fuel caused the problem."

4. Feel annoyed. Have him executed for being right.

Twitters of US President Barack Obama:

1. Dogs are so stupid. Bo caught sight of himself in a mirror and barked. Now he's chasing his own tail.

2. White House staff say they have never had such a funny, silly creature here.

3. I say, What about Mr Bush? Staff fall over laughing. Damn, I'm clever.

 

 

Twitters of Hu Jintao, President of China:

1. Woke at 6 am. Spent 10 minutes cursing Dalai Lama. Looked at Google Earth. Summoned aides.

2. I pointed to areas surrounding China. Told aides to claim them as parts of the Motherland since time immemorial.

3. Aides did research and informed me that these areas are Tibet, East Turkistan and Taiwan.

4. Aides say we already claimed them as parts of Motherland since time immemorial.

5. I point to other parts of map. Tell aides to claim these.

6. Aides do research. They inform me I have pointed to Australia, a US ocean liner and a soy sauce stain on the monitor.

7. I tell aides to claim them anyway. Can't get good staff these days. I blame fall of communism.

Twitters of Warren Buffett:

1. Woke up. Checked share price. I am now heading to the toilet.

2. Came out of toilet. Decided to check share prices again.

3. Discovered I made US$2 billion profit while I was in toilet. So little? Must be losing my touch.
*
Time to log off from Twitter. Permanently.

 

Technorati Tags: twitter humor

Comments

[sheilajade]

(LOL) This is so funny, i liked very much the ones by the Dalai Lama and the President of China.
And i was even thinking of actually joining twitter (*-*) maybe coz ive been hearing this from alot of people lately (esp. from bosses).
Thank you for the smile on my face, ill keep it for the rest of the day Mr. Jam.

[TS]

Hugh Jackman's thoughts:
"Call my office in America and have my secretary post a Twit for me saying: Having lunch on the harbour across from the Opera House. Loving life!"

Hugh Jackman's Twit:
"Having lunch on the harbor across from the Opera Center. Loving life!"

Outrage in Australia over the American spelling and getting the name of the national icon wrong.

Hugh Jackman's thoughts:
"I will never have that twat twit for me again, better release a press statement:
"I communicated it over the phone and when that got translated by someone American in my office it came out all wrong, I do know the Opera House is called the Opera House - I think I had my high school leaving assembly at the Opera House when I was 18 so I should know that one.""

[HK public]

Twitters of Sir.D.Tsang

1.30 am - Can not sleep. Financial crisis still the front page news

3.30 am - Called police chief - Gave orders to close up Wan Chai district as H1N1 quarantine measure.

6.30 am - Good. Financial crisis moves out of front page

8.30 am - Got call from CIRQUE DU SOLEIL to join as their CEO. Feels good that my talents are appreciated.

[Dan Kubiske]

Hate to pick at nits but, when one uses Twitter one posts "tweets" not "twits" -- although some tweeters are twits.

And it is not "Twitering" but Tweeting."

At least that is what my children tell me.

[Rika]

Hey, that is only partly true...I just love Twitter!

I admit: It is addictive, and there is a lot of rubbish out there...but used wisely it is a brilliant tool and much more effective than all the other networking sites.

As an example: I was found by somebody in the next town, we met, she is a brilliant networker, got me in touch with great people, and now I am on my way to revamp Incredible Ladies to make it more sustainable and hopefully to lift it onto the next level. I would have never met her otherwise.

It is great to keep in touch with friends. In the meantime almost all my sports and coffee appointments are quickly arranged within 140 characters.

And during holidays: a quick SMS to your Twitter and no need to write post cards ever again - they are not environmentally friendly anyway.

And consider this: If one wanted to spread the word about ... Mr. Jam for example - a thing which I could easily be doing... - he might become famous after all!

[Vince A]

Non-famous people Tweet too. For example, Mr Ho, a Hong Kong Star Ferry crewman:

Docking at Tsim Sha Tsui

Docking at Central

Docking at Tsim Sha Tsui

Docking at Central

Docking at Tsim Sha Tsui

Docking at Central. Not so many people today.

Docking at Tsim Sha Tsui

Docking at Central

Docking at Tsim Sha Tsui

Docking at Central. I think it will rain lah.

Docking at Tsim Sha Tsui

Docking at Central

Docking at Tsim Sha Tsui.

Docking at Central.

Docking at Tsim Sha Tsui.

Docking at Central

Docking at Tsim Sha Tsui. This is the Starship Enterprise.

Docking at Central

Docking at Tsim Sha Tsui

Docking at Central

Docking at Tsim Sha Tsui

Docking at Central.

Docking at Tsim Sha Tsui. I want to buy some Won Ton Min.

Docking at Central

Docking at Tsim Sha Tsui

Docking at Central.

Docking at Tsim Sha Tsui. Why that boy call me Popeye?

Docking at Central

Docking at Tsim Sha Tsui

Docking at Central. So according to general theory of relativity if this ferry travel too fast, time will slow down?
Better not make it run too fast. Want to go home early today. Ha ha ha.

Docking at Tsim Sha Tsui

Docking at Central.

Docking at Tsim Sha Tsui

Docking at Central.

Docking at Tsim Sha Tsui

Docking at Central.

[Freda G.]

Brilliant post Nury. I moved to the UK 10 months ago, but in just two days here I realised that I'm actually missing a copy of the Standard each morning and laughing my head off reading your stuff.

[Karen A.]

Nice article Mr. Nury! I really enjoyed this one and Kuya Vince's comment too! hahaha! How about give us an example of the twitters of the funniest man in HK, Uncle Nury?

[Warren Buffet again]

I forgot to mention. Share prices are heading for the toilet too!

[Vince A]

Mon: This
Tue: twitTweeting
Wed: isi
Thu: so
Fri: damn
Sat: dfficul!t

And after a week, Prof. Stephen Hawking gives up.

----------

P.S. Seriously, it seems this paraplegic scientist really does tweet. Or has tried to, anyway.

Also, I will have to duck out for a month to cram for exams in the real world. Must resist temptation to visit to visit mrjam for a while.

Thanks for the 6-pack Nury (giggling daily at your articles have turned my abdomen rock-hard)

[Wei Jun]

did you notice how obama had the coolest picture?

George Bush's twitters:

1. so bored. i miss the good old days of stupidity.

2. what!? how can obama say that? did't he know that i'm a hundred times sillier than that dog of his?

[angelawang]

as a chinese,really do not like the ones by the President of China.As a joke ,OK.But as astatement ,definitely misunderstanding.

[Santox]

A bird: I've a word or two in a song to serenade you.

A twitter: I have a word or two; no song; amused much and doing nothing.

[farah]

imagine someone having stomach problems twittering,
8:00 - just came out of the toilet, feeling freee!
8:09 - i think nature's calling me again. oh no! (all the while rushing to the open bathroom door)
.
.
.
.
.
5:27 - (all exhausted!) crap! i wish i hadnt had all those food last night.

[fardel]

- 7 Am open office
7:01 check schedule,
today is public holiday, staff is off ,only five passengers on the flight;It's going to be easy
-7:05 John B wants two seats, one for JohnB-left and one for John B right
( no , they are not twins, it's the same guy)
-7:06 Mrs So Skinny (75 Lbs ) checks in, no luggage
- 7:07 ,just finished checking passenger except John B
-7:07:10 compute weight -& balance : plane balance ok and within load limits
- 7:07:30 planes lands, I run to the airplane ( 300 yards from building)
-7:07:40 rains starts on and around the airplane, run back to terminal to pick up umbrellas
-7:07:50 back to the plane with umbrellas : rains stops
-7:08 disembark passenger: Mr Hipity Hop needs a wheelchair, run back to the building to pick up wheelchair
-7:08:20 back to the plane with wheelchair
- 7:08:30 back to checking counter
-7:08:50 Mr John B shows up at checking counter:330 Lbs of plain muscle
No problem , Mrs So Skinny lack of muscle will compensate
7:08:51 Plane out of balance: re- do weight computations;re-allocate seats to passengers
7:09:10 call passengers for boarding:Mrs So Skinny missing
7:10 find Mrs So skinny delayed in terminal , dragging 120 Lbs bag;
7:10:10 Tell Mrs So Skinny she cannot take luggage.
7:11 Boss calls to tell that his aunty(Mrs So Skinny) luggage must be on board ( frozen food)
7:11:11 Call for second aircraft , first aircraft now too heavy
7:12 back to counter:
re- do weight computations;re-allocate seats to passengers
7:12:30 call passengers Mr John B and Mrs Skinny for 15 mn delay
7:13 finish weight computation for first aircraft
7:14 unload 200 Lbs of luggage from first aricraft
send off first plane
7:15 run home to put the bread in oven ( forgot to bake it before going to work)
grate cocoa seeds , put them to slow boil for breakfast
7:20 back on the job,waiting for the second aircraft, for the bread to be baked and the Cocoa to be ready
8: 00 reload the 200 Lbs luggage in second aircraft, plus 100 Lbs luggage from next airline
8:05 arrival of medical flight;run to airplane to unload 220 Lbs passenger on stretcher
8:08 run back to counter
Do weight computations for medical flight
8:15 send medical plane off
8:20 send second airplane off with Mrs So skinny and Mr John B
8:22 go home for breakfast ( warm fresh baked bread , with creamy Cocoa cup, with lots of butter on bread)
8:30 back to work
Delayed in commuting from house to work :making picture of a mummy Bahamas ducks swimming in the pond with ten ducklings
Delayed more by young iguanas .
8:40 It took me more than ten minutes to commute the 200 yards from house to work;
Thinking:lucky are those guys who can relax while commuting with MTR
Back at work ,relaxing while doing paperwork
8:45 Thinking :
Maybe I should go back to teaching sailing to the kids:
8:46 ready for more action
8:50 no more action: reading Vittachi. com for the latest funny stories
this job is becoming too boring.
Maybe I should get a standard job , in a big town full of concrete,like everybody else

[Rika]

The most powerful man in the world is...: No! Not Obama!

His name is Stephen Fry (http://www.stephenfry.com/blog/)and he has 486,804 followers on Twitter right now. When he posts a link, then servers go down. I believe he even has people now who check for him if the servers can take it.

If you want to raise money for charity, need a petition signed, or any kind of awarenes raised - get him on board: And I believe he doesn't even take bribes - that's a novelty in powerful people.

We should choose our leaders on account of their performance on Twitter rather then on account of their lip service.

BTW: He is a colleague of Nury ...

[louise]

OMG the ferry man tweetes are so funny hahahahah

[youchiyagami]

Malaysian leaders do not need to post tweets.

The country's mass media will do it for them.

[Lisa]

For some reason, when I see the word "Twitter" I am reminded of the owl in Bambi when he tells Bambi, Thumper and Flower in springtime that the birds are "twitter-pated". All three animals then proceed to get twitter-pated after declaring it will never happen to them.

[JK]

This is so funny .. i like the irony in Kim Jong II ; "must execute him for being right" ..

[peter wei]

Great leadership, fame and power are gone with the expiry of life, that's equal to all nationalities, sexes and races!

[grandpa]

@peter wei
not true for everybody..look at Gandhi..The body is gone the spirit is still alive.....very much alive.

[peter wei]

@grandpa

Right you're. But the difference in core value is obvious, bearing in mind the Chinese saying "Hundreds of years' fame, thousands of years' fame, what good when you're dead and gone!

[grandpa]

@peter wei
True too
But the strength of an individual is what he leaves behind...spiritually.

"what good when you're dead and gone!"
who knows?
We still are waiting for proof that there is no life after death