Self-defeating statements

Warning: this posting contains questions that if thought about too much may make your head explode

YOUR HUMBLE NARRATOR went to a fascinating conference at HK City University on international discourse analysis, which is the official academic term for “talking”.

It got me thinking about all the tricks and traps that are hidden in much of what we say to each other.

The following day, waiting for a friend outside a tutorial college, I was approached by a private tutor anxious to relieve me of cash in exchange for his services.

“I teach you speak English good,” he said. “Talk like me.”

“No thank you,” I replied in English. “I don’t speak a word of English and have no desire to learn such a difficult and illogical language.”

“Okay, no problem,” he said, shrugging his shoulders and decamping. Have you noticed that people never notice what language you use to speak to them?

*
Sometimes people write to ask me for jobs.

One wrote with an offer: “I can be your profreader,” [sic] she wrote.

I replied: “Maybe so. But who would be YOUR profreader?”

*
People often write to me boasting about their great intellects.

“I have a First Class brian,” is a phrase I have seen twice.

I responded: “Thanks for your letter. Please give your First Class Brian my best wishes and I hope he feels better soon.”

*
I once got an advertisement from a company called Kenfill who wanted me to buy a piece of writing software that finds errors in “grammer” [sic], “sentances” [sic] and “incorrent” [sic] verbs.

No thanks.

*
All of the above are examples of self-defeating statements. You encounter these all over the place. A reader sent me a photo from Russia. It showed a large sign outside a tourism centre saying: “Welcom Turist. We Spik Inglish.” [sic]. The sign helpfully lowered the expectations of visitors, who entered and were not particularly surprised to discover the staff spoke no English at all.
*
Self-defeating statements have a long history. In the fourth century BC, a guy called Eubulides asked a question: “A man says he is lying: is what he says true or false?”

Hmm. Think about it. If it is true, it is false. But if it is false, it is true.

Eubulides’ question has been making people’s heads explode for two thousand four hundred years now, which is pretty impressive for a one-liner.

*
Talking of puzzling questions, has anyone noticed that you often read about “disgruntled employees” but never about gruntled ones. Are there none? Are you one? I think I am.
*
More questions: I once bought a thermos for my kids, and explained that it would keep cold drinks cold and hot drinks hot. “That’s neat,” one child said. “How does it know?”
*
Meanwhile, here’s a question for English teachers: “Is a metaphor like a simile?”

*
And one last thing that is a long-standing puzzle: what do people who make batteries have against the letter B? Batteries come in AA size, AAA size, C size and D size. Is this Alphabetic discrimination?

*
But going back to self-defeating statements, over the years, I have noticed that males and females tend to make different ones.

Guys say this: "I used to worry that I was apathetic about everything, but then I gave up caring."

Girls say this: "I THINK I'm not indecisive, but I'm not totally sure."

Guys say this: "Just because I'm smarter than other people, it doesn't mean I'm arrogant."

Girls say this: "I'm going to give up procrastinating, from next week."
*
Warning: the following question may really cause your head to explode. Thinking about it disabled my entire cerebral cortex for hours. I had to reboot my brainular system with four cups of espresso. Read it at your own risk.

“Is the answer to this question no?”

 

Technorati Tags: self-defeating statements,Eubulides

Comments

[Karuna]

I have never understood the phrase "take care" phrase people tell in place of "good bye". Not that I understand other social behaviours between people.

the question I have is who for I need to take care of ?
- is One being told to take care of oneself ? But, I do not show any suicidal tendencies other than reading Nury.
OR
- does One need to take care of the other ? hmm..well if the other is a defenceless woman half my age, what is my interest in that ?

[Jason]

I remember reading this (coffee) shop sign when I was in Japan... "We offer Infinite Dream"... does this mean they're going to kill you??

[farah]

kaboommmmm!!!....*and my head exploded*

but honestly it's much more worse when people butcher their own native language with not only grammatical mistakes but gender mistakes as well.

[sheilajade]

A mother to her passed out son lying on the sofa. "Wake up!!! Wake up son!!! we are going to sleep now"

For some people (referring to myself)who's in the process of growing some brain, this article is very safe, nothing will explode :-D ;-P

[jason]

Farah, I agree, it's much worse, but you have to admit, the funniest results come from someone massacring *your* language when it's not their first language.

Otherwise, here's some old, well known questions which have caused many a brain meltdown in the order of Chernobyl or Three Mile Island... try getting sensible answers to these before the age of the universe runs out (mind you, they're both very much along the same philosophical lines).

* If a tree falls down in a forest when there is no one around, does it make any sound?

* What colour is an orange sealed inside a dark, lightless box?

[Lisa]

My husband refuses to let my sister teach our kid English. He also choked on his beer when he heard that she was going to be teaching English at a tutorial centre. My sister was very indignant about his reaction. "What's wong wif my Ingish? I speak very good Ingish!"
We both agree that she speaks very good Ingish and is an expert at it, is permitted to teach our son Ingish but by all means, please do not teach him English.
Occasionally, my sister will get very frustrated with my husband's teasing and will start yelling "I hateth thee!" or "I shall smite thee with mine eye!"
Since then, he's been trying to get her to teach him Ingish too.

[Nury]

You are funny, Lisa. I hope your sister doesn't mind your teasing.

As for Karuna's comment about "take care", I really like Chinese goodbye, which is "maan maan haang", or "walk slowly". It's kind of sweet. But what happens if you see a marathon runner go by? You'd have to use it sparingly.

As for Jason's question about what color is an orange in a sealed box, that's puzzling. I suppose it isn't any color, since you need light to make a color, don't you?

[Dan Kubiske]

Actually you forgot to ask about the A battery as well. (AA and AAA but no A? What's up?)

Well, there were B and A batteries. They were both very large and varied in voltage. These two batteries were used in the days of vacuum tube portable radios. (For the younger crowd out there, before semi-conductors there were transistors and before transistors there were vacuum tubes. And I think before that I think was the stone age.)

I recall seeing some B batteries in by grandfathers garage back in the day when all modern electronics were run by vacuum tubes. They were not small and not light.

And to take the fun out of asking such questions, I visit "Stupid Questions Answered." Here is the link for the battery issue: http://www.stupidquestionsanswered.com/answered/battery.htm

Cheers

[Allan]

"Is the answer to this question no?"

The answer is maybe, and that's final.

[fardel]

There only on answer:Off course!

[fardel]

Your comment about English reminds me of a prank seen on youtube
In the USa , somebody had put a dead reindeer on the hood of a pick up truck, in a busy parking.
Passerby would get a close look.
This is when the reindeer would move its head and say:
- can you cut the rope please?
Startled people would jump or run away screaming , except this guy:
- Sorry, me do not speak no english

Karuna
warning, ladies half your age are children

[Jason]

Batteries are a bit like vitamins...

They...

a) come in all letters of the (English) alphabet and more;

b) they consumed by the thousands, dare I say it, millions;

c) are never quite as good as the primary source, ie., vitamins vs good nutrition as compared to batteries vs the power grid.

[piya]

"Is the answer to this question no?"

There may be two answers
1)"Not 'no' !"
2)"Not 'yes' !"

pls do not ask for any explanations!,but You may need to learn complex NURI Formula to decode this.

[Uli Dernbach-Steffl, Germany]

On the Great Wall in Badaling (near Beijing) I once saw the following sign: "Smoking probihited by pain of a fire"
I really liked it. :-))))

[Jason]

Nury, Well!

Such a simple question posed many years ago, yet I think the debate is still going...

Basically, there's a number of sides to this argument. One side went along your lines, about as the orange was in the dark, there was no colour to speak of.

But then another side went down the track the colour was defined by the properties of the surface of the object, and so the fact there was no light has no impact on the objects colour, or lack thereof.

Another possibility was to take the idea of Schrödinger's cat. You don't know whether it has a colour or not, and what that colour is until you look in the box. Indeed, after some time of not looking in the box, the orange is *all* possible colours at the same time, and only takes on a specific colour when you look at it. On this idea though, I suspect by the time you look in the box, the orange is probably some sort of mottling of green and white :-) (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schr%C3%B6dinger%27s_cat)

[Karuna]

Nury.. "maan maan haang". what a wonderful phrase !
Earlier after visiting my wife(then girlfriend) parents home, I would walk very-very slowly out of their front door. Worried that I would break some social taboo by walking faster, as my mother-in-law would keep repeating "maan maan haang" as I left.

Fardel...looks can be deceive. especially when my images proceesed by Nury on his photoshop

[Jason]

Dan,

There's a "1/2 A" too I believe.

[TS]

I once had a TV remote control using a J-size battery.
The battery would be exhausted after 1423 button presses, approximately a months use or two days if you got children.
No other devices in the world used this battery so hardly any shops would stock them, this was before internet shopping. I had to walk from town to town to find a place that sold them and when I was lucky to find a retailer that had ordered J-size batteries by mistake and was now stuck with them, I bought the lot. Not only were J-size rare, they were also very expensive, so when I left the shop the owner would tell his staff to close for the rest of the day and I could hear them uncorking the champagne bottles in celebration.

I just did a bit of research about J-size batteries (I googled it) and they seem more common today, due to it being used in countless (too countless to count) digital cameras. The price haven't really changed, it still a bit expensive but imagine how high that price would have seemed in 1988.

[Fianne]

This reminds me of a statement by Nietzsche saying something like "nothing is true".

[Angry Spouse]

You guys may think this is all a bit of fun, playing around with "questions that make your head explode" but you never give a thought to the consequences of your actions.

My husband read this page this morning after breakfast. Then his head exploded.

Unfortunately this happened just after I had spent a small fortune an interior decoration, a three-week operation that finished last week. I almost cried when I saw our expensive flock wallpaper covered with bits of brain.

The only good news is that his brain was not that large, so the stain was confined to a smallish area.

[leonghw]

read your stuff in the Sun newspaper in Malaysia, love your work. LOL funny.:))

[Hayat]

And then of course there's that whole thing about being overwhelmed.
You can be overwhelmed at something, or you can be underwhelmed.
But can you ever just be whelmed??

[Chamin]

Hi Nury,

Thanks a lot for that last question. I will post that last question in my cubicle. In a research lab, such questions can do wonders (such as making my colleagues forget that they came to ask for the money I borrowed last week).

[MikeH]

Roll out The Fung Shui Detective! I am curiously persuaded that Angry Spouse's husband did not expire from an exploding brain but rather that it was FOUL PLAY. The hint may lie in your correspondent's choice of nomme de computeur (Angry Spouse). And the attempt to fob it off on you Senor Jam (in Spain, we call you Senor Ham but that is just our way) was reprehensible.

[David]

Reminds me of the RAS syndrome, equally irritating.

[jason]

This morning, my wife suggested a question that would make a guy's head explode...

"Do you love me?"

Hmmm... I'm not sure about it exploding, but it does seem to be overheating a bit.

[fardel]

Humm
And .. what was the answer?

[Nury]

Jason, my mother-in-law was also always asking her husband that question: "Do you love me?"

The husband eventually replied, "Look, I've told you once. That should be enough."

[Karuna]

to that question, I once replied
- I love you the "most" !!

and my wife got me a one way ticket to Guantanamo Bay.

[jason]

I've somehow managed avoided having to answer it thus far with any level of seriousness, although I figure I'm going to have to answer it sooner or later... but perhaps I've said too much already.

I think, definitely, Karuna and, maybe, Nury can verify, there are no right answers to this type of question. It doesn't matter what answer you give, you *cannot* be right.

You answer "yes", and it's not enough, so you're having an affair. You go overboard, so she thinks you're having an affair. You avoid answering it, so she thinks you're having an affair.

[fardel]

Whatever one says, it is not the head which explodes, it is the marriage.
Have an affair and let the competition start.
The question will not be asked again
Guaranteed!

[Chin]

Maybe they don't have B lettered batteries as it would make everyone ordering over the counter seem like a stuttering, mumbling idiot?

"Can I have a pack of B-B-B-batteries please?"

[Rika]

Preferred question of females in young relationships: What are you thinking? Tell me darling! Right now! What are you thinking?

___________

... quickly, off you go! It has to be smart and witty and thoughtfull and loving...

...so, what actually were you thinking...?

[Rika]

Just to let you know: Without a lot of effort (checking typo versions of your name and so on) I found four fans of yours who are spreading your word via Twitter...

Well, and yours truely is doing so as well, although you are despising tool. It would be just too nice to prove you wrong ;o)

If I could do so, I would feel very smug hence good, and you would have more visitors... turning 1 wrong into 2 right :o)

[Nury]

Dear Rika, you are correct, of course. I think any sort of new media is interesting, and twitter has a lot of potential. But I also think it is the duty of comedians to poke fun at new trends, so I am kind of obliged to take a negative view on it.
ps.
Your picture on twitter is really cute -- I bet you get lots of followers!

[Chamin]

My Malaysian friend (female) says they use this question to give a bit of (?) trouble to their boyfriends:

"If your mother and I am drowning, which one do you rescue first?"

I consider the question mind-blowing.

[fardel]

do they ask the question before ,or after the wedding?

[angela]

About 3 years ago I was asked this question "do you love me?" and I made the classic mistake, I paused and 'hmmmd' then I said "of course" but then it was too late. My answer was not accepted because I hesitated and it was held against me... until this day.

Rika, in my experience men are equally capable of asking those questions and I agree with jason that it can be mind blowing :)

Those questions are really self-defeating..LOL..

[angela]

Nury, I wonder if I can get away by rolling my eyes?

[Chamin]

Hi Fardel,

> do they ask the question before ,or after the wedding?

According to her, the question is asked before the wedding. After the wedding, all females seem to take on the formidable "do you love me?" question.

[jason]

Angela,

I think you're right, Men can indeed also ask that question. I think what this says though, it truly is a self-defeating question, as should you seriously need to ask, then its a fair bet you already know the answer.

[jason]

Nury,

I was re-listening to some podcasts today, by a Norwegian lady (Cecilie Gamst Berg) based in HK who teaches Cantonese to Westerners. In the podcast, she was saying as a Westerner, all HK locals try to speak to her in English, regardless of which language she speaks to them in, and even after she's already told them in Cantonese, she cannot speak English. So your similar experience appears to be nothing unusual.

[Weng Seng]

How are you? My Brian is very poor and cannot afford first class.
Would you be so kind as to send me ginko biloba supplements so that he can upgrade from economy to first class.

On a bright note, a thermos need not understand the difference between a hot and a cold drink. It only needs to know that heat should not enter or leave. Therefore a cold drink cannot get warm because the thermos won't let heat in. Meanwhile, a hot drink cannot cool down, because the thermos would not let the heat out. Sadly, the thermos is not a perfect barrier, so some heat can get in or get out.

Last but not least, the answer to your parting question is: "Maybe.
More information is required to warrant a definitive yes or no."