Renaming swine flu

Let’s decide just what we should call this new disease

FROM TODAY, THE disease discovered in Mexico can no longer be called “swine flu”. The pork industry is introducing a shoot-to-kill policy on people who use those words.

So what do we call it? “We suggest you call it ‘beef flu’,” said film star Kevin Bacon, hired as a spokesman by international pork producers. (From his next movie onwards, Mr Bacon will be known as Kevin  Pastrami.)

The Beef-Eaters’ Association is not happy. “We’re mad as hell,” they said, which surprised nobody. “Why not call it bird flu?”

Hearing this, the avian flu virus has applied for an injunction, pointing out that it has been using the name for 15 years.

The SARS virus is in talks with its lawyers, who released this statement: “Our client reserves all rights to the exclusive use of the name SARS but will allow others to use the term ‘corona virus’.” I suppose this has possibilities since the makers of Corona beer are based in Mexico, where the trouble started.

Now you may have read (and this is NOT a joke) that the authorities in Israel last week announced that they were unable to say the words “swine flu” so had to call it “Mexican flu”. Having the word “swine” in their mouths was equivalent to eating pork, you see. One wonders how the same authorities refer to other things they wouldn’t want in their mouths, such as toilets, rat poison or sweaty jockstraps? Will they now rename these items “Mexican rooms”, “Mexican liquid” and “perspiration-soaked Mexi-garments”?

The New York Times has unimaginatively started calling it “Influenza A (H1H2)”. That’s not a name, guys, it’s a crossword clue.

The Hong Kong authorities sent me a press release referring to it as “the human swine flu”. No good! That phrase makes you think of people. “Human swine” was what we called my former boss. In fact, it was the NICEST thing we called him. (When I first joined the company, I thought “human swine” was his name.)

A reader suggested we call it “The Disease Formerly Known as Swine Flu”, or “Prince” for short. Not bad, but we need a name that accurately captures the spirit of the disease. How about Hysterical Mediaitis Syndrome?

Incidentally, can I ask news editors to instigate a policy of instantly sacking any journalist who includes a reference to historical flu pandemics which killed millions? This is blatant fear-mongering for the purposes of spicing up news pages – oh hang on, that’s what journalists do. Never mind. Forget it.

Perhaps what we really need is a new definition of pandemic. Surely singer Susan Boyle is a dangerous global pandemic? 

And what about the Lambada pandemic of 1989? This was a dance in which you had to intertwine your legs with your partner’s. I could never get it right, but this didn’t matter, since getting it wrong was actually more fun.

A totally different matter was the Macarena pandemic of 1993 to 2000. This was a dance that could only successfully be done by women, causing untold misery for millions of men around the world.

Any DJ who wants to revive this song, please note. I operate a shoot-to-kill policy.

 

Technorati Tags: swine flu humor

Comments

[fardel]

Now , we understand how the pigs got it!
Thanks for explaining it to the world

[Wei Jun]

haha the kiss of death

[Mel]

ROTFL!!! Man you're really crazy. Tell me again how does your wife remain sane living under the same roof with you?

Then again, I suppose she's sane, no?

Keep it coming, thanks for the good laugh!

[Mike Munson]

My brother in law, Dale, used to refer to the Macarena, as the dance of looking for keys.

[johnnie]

you are unbelievable i used to dislike your article
guess what i am addicted to it now keep it coming
you are GOOD

[fardel]

I do not think that it is appropriate to call the lambada a pandemic.
A pandemic is infectious and could lead to death
The lambada is infectious but resulted in births ( millions of them)

[Chamin]

> The lambada is infectious but resulted in births
To add a bit of lateral thinking, everybody who is born has to die. So, lambada does result in deaths ;o)

[sheilajade]

This swine flu is really making everybody terrified. If i may suggest a new name for it, i will call it, Babe flu (after the cutiest pig in the cinema) it may be dangerous but atleast its cute.

[Rika]

You could name it something like: Stocking-up With Important Nutritious Essential Foods Larder Use Delayed

Anybody else experienced hoarding behaviour?

[Sujan Patricia]

H1N1 (referred to as “swine flu” early on) is a new influenza virus causing illness in people. Symptoms of swine flu are similar to those caused by other influenza viruses. Health authorities across the globe are taking steps to try to stem the spread of swine flu after outbreaks in Mexico and the United States. The World Health Organization has called it a "public health emergency of international concern."

[fardel]

What is surprising is that this swine flu spread like Bush fire;

[Amreen]

I always thought you had to eat swine in
order to get this disease.

[fardel]

do not worry , scientists an politicians thought so, too...

[TS]

What is really different with this bout of flu is that the origin was thought to be known and was tried to be contained.

What I find interesting is that with all this publicity we can follow the "six degrees of separation" theory. I'm just waiting to see when Kevin Bacon goes down with the flu.

[fardel]

Something funny is going on;
When the spreading of the swine flu was known , authorities jumped to their feet and EVERY body was put on alert , like it was a terrorist attack of a major dimension
Was it or was it not?
Let's review;
The outbreak happened in Mexico and spread to the USA
Would Mexico attack the USA ? no
Would the USA attack Mexico,?
No, they already did and control it.
Millions of masks and vaccines have been produced worldwide,when this flu is mild on the flu scale.
Why is it that governments , worldwide are on their toes for this?

What is at stake?
The specialists I talked to are as baffled as I am;

It was only until last week that it started to make sense.

For the last two weeks , a few of my passengers acted strangely.
Even the older ones were just ....... falling in love.

It is a epidemic.

All of a sudden it downed on me
The Mexicans ,fed up with their warmonger neighbors, created a virus for their neighbor to become better and more loving
The name of the virus H1N1 Flu which stands for Hate one Not ,Only Fall in Love Unconditionally;

For warmongers, gun factories, Weapons industries, and the rest of the governments , it is the worse disaster since Eve gave an apple to Adam;
Can you imagine?
No more need for weapons, Army, Navy,airforce,Police, prisons, courts, Lawyers , judges, Lawmakers, congresses,law schools
No more need for secret services
No more needs for NATO , United Nations.
No more need for atomic bomb
No more need for nuclear research; chemical warfare reseach
No more need for treaties
What are governments going to do with all those unemployed technicians
What are governments going to do with all those babies being born within a year or two, if they are not allowed to be killed in the name of oil or by political enemies?

This is definitely serious matter, the worse plague to hit Humanity, condemned to love and live
Is this theory stupid?
Maybe
If it is , why is was classified A ( Amor is Mexican , love in English)?

[Angela]

The Fardel Theorem :)

[Karuna]

"H1N1 Flu which stands for Hate one Not ,Only Fall in Love Unconditionally"

that is really cool.

[Angela]

Amor is spanish, querido :)

So quiet in here...where is everyone?

[TS]

We are waiting for Godot....

[fardel]

Mexican is spanish too, although at a different speed

[sej]

Angela, you're right... Too quiet. Anyone know where Nury's gone so we can bring the Internet to him?

His posts are almost like coffee, addictive yet good for the mind, good for the body, and good for the soul.

I get back from holidays, out of Internet range for more than three weeks, and now Nury's gone and deserted us until the (end of?) August... I've already read all his columns since I went away.

Nury: It's just disgraceful you can dump us like this!! :-p

[TS]

Can't get my boot off, nothing to be done.

[fardel]

Yes I think that we have to take action

Anybody close to Europe to track him down?
It should be easy, where he passes, sunshines.
Any report in European medias about mass roll-on -the -floor epidemics?

could we comment on his latest post in the Standard
Or better
We can make fun of his absence?
Any idea, anyone?

[Angela]

Nothing is a thing to be done :-)

Sej - I didnt know coffee is good for the body mind and soul
I am an occasional tea drinker and very rarely consume coffee so maybe i just am not that passionate about the beans. But its true the posts are addictive and i am going through withdrawal syndrome..sigh..nothing to be done.

[TS]

Got my boot off, there's nothing in there.

[godiva]

TS, take off your socks too, there might be something in there.

Angela, coffee is indeed good for body, mind and especially the soul. You should try it more often.

I read Nury's column in the Standard (haven't done that today yet, though) but it's never the same as reading it here. I think it's because there are no fardels, angelas, sej (how to do this?), karunas, TS (and this too?) and vinces in the Standard. I enjoy Nury's posts as much as the comments from you guys.

[farah]

maybe we should create a scandal to keep the show running?? or a love triangle among fardel, angela & karuna? or anything???

[sej]

Farah, perhaps we could all switch names for a while when Nury gets back?

[fardel]

Nury , in a french street market:
- I would like to get a running camembert
- a running camembert?!
-Yes a friend told me that a running camembert ( camembert with worms ) tastes good ;
I would like to get one
Street vendor to other vendors
-:a ?#1366 tourist wants a running camembert?!
Splash , pif , paf, ouch ( noise of fish eggs tomatoes landing on Nury head;
- i shall make you run faster than a camembert ,you fardel

[Angela]

Scandal will not work here, I think. Too far off to be salacious..LOL..

Nothing is a very difficult thing to do. Too difficult sometimes. I think I will go eat a carrot now ;)

[Angela]

What is a camembert? smelly cheese?

If we all post under different names, would it be like the tower of babel in here?? or is it already like that now :)

[TS]

Still nothing to do.

AAAAIIIEEEE!!!

Could the man holding the rope of Lucky be Godot?

[yours truly]

what happen ? Boss man missing so long.

Last time we meet, drink chai. I tell him , "Nury Sir, you must make care. You write correct. But, some bad people make wrong meaning. They are bad, when angry they make keema of you."
Now, I wondering ! may be Nury is now keema.

Oh! Oh! what bad thinking it is. My stomach come to my mouth when I have this thinking. I apologizes to you all good friends, if you also feel stomach come to mouth. I will stop that thinking. I pray to heaven for Nury be safe.

Farah child, you tell true. That Fardel and Karuna are both bad chappies. They always make scandal. But, I tell you, Angela is good virtuous woman, although she like to play with egg plant in the supermarket,

Angela, you write nice. If you want paratha, you visit my uncle shop at Sarangoon road. You tell, you are my friend, he give discount. But, one thing you take care. Dont play with eggplant in my Uncle paratha shop. He is simple old man.

And what happen to writer woman from Germany. She give baby or no ? May be Nury go and make surprise. See baby when visit Europe. Nury can be GodWriter for baby.

[fardel]

Camembert can be found in three stages
- plastery ( for tourists and city boys and girls)
- mild ( for supermarkets) and creamy
- strong ( smelly like sports socks unwashed for weeks)with a strong tastes,average smell

Angela good virtuous woman, fardel and karuna bad chappies.
We have heard everything on this columns
Unbelievable.me bad chappy!
You cannot

[Vince A]

First, a world without Michael. And now without Nury too.

Perhaps we can compile a list?

Some ideas just to start a brainstorm:

- Reasons why Nury should never go on vacation
- Signs you are addicted to Nury

[sej]

Angela: I think you're right in that we have a Tower of Babel now, but switching names I think would take it that extra level. Given we would all know about it though, it would make Nury think he's losing his mind, well, assuming he hasn't lost it already :-)

Reminds me of a prank we pulled on our boss. She looks at the keyboard whilst typing two fingered, so we switched the M and N keys. Took her more than a week to work out why her keyboard wasn't working (correctly).

[Angela]

Lucky is Godot

[Angela]

Where is Uli and Rika? Sham? Karen? Lisa? did they all join Mr. Jam on his pilgrimage?

[TS]

Well, let's see Lucky dance and think then.

[angela.]

Ten reasons why Nury cannot go on vacation
1 When he is not there, there is a vacuum: no oxygen,no break, no laugh
2 The standard loses 60 % of its readers
3 The stress on workers ( who are deprived of their daily break) increases 25 %
4 Business productivity decreases 45 % for reason 4
5 the company printing the Standard looses 60 % of its business because of reason 2
6 jobs are lost because of reason 5
7 Bars and food joints in HK close because of reason 6
8 People fight on MTR because they no longer have anything to laugh about
9 Nury's followers are grumpy which is turning into a new pandemic, the H2N2r (Hey, No Nury to read)
10 worldwide dictatorships get worse because their king/president/premier have nobody to make them laugh

[fardel]

Uli and Rika did not join Nury on a pilgrimage , it is the way around, a pilgrimage to European cuisine

[Vince A]

11. People immediately forget how to see the funny side of daily life.

12. People begin looking for weird ways to amuse themselves, like exchanging names.

13. It's no fun commenting on Nury's column when you know he's not there (Like, hey Nury you misused the word 'inflammable' on Friday's column)

[Karuna]

14. reader search the net for other time wasting site and finds http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Main_Page

[Fardelita (commenter previously known as Angela)]

Hey! If someone is angela then Angela wants to be fardel, sunning in the caribbean.

15. Internet traffic decreased by more than 50%, causing massive loss in net adverts

16. Economic recovery predicted to be slow and painful, owing to collective lethargy among netizens and standard readers alike

17. WHO warns of new global pandemic to sweep the internet, new viral transmission of Dangerous Name Xchange. Largely blamed on high level of boredom among Mr. Jam's Gang

[Angela]

Thanks, Karuna. Made my day :-)

[fardel]

why would someone from Hk want to bake in the Caribbean sun when:
It is the same sun?
It is the same temperature year long?
It is the same weather pattern?

Another one who thinks that the grass in greener and eggplants are bigger on this side of the planet !

why would somebody in her right mind switch to my name?

[Fardelita]

Is anyone here on her/his right mind? I think it is a qualification to become Mr. Jams gang, You must NOT be on your right mind ;-)

[Karuna]

Top 10 signs you have lost your mind
1. you give yourself a new name
2.

[Angela]

2. You keep posting comments here

[TS]

3. You can't see any difference between Hong Kong and a Caribbean island.

[sej]

4. You live in SQ, but haven't actually jumped on a plane to the Carribean yet. (Angela, what is *wrong* with you? Why aren't you on that plane??)

Now, on the other hand, if you did in fact live in HK, I could understand why you *haven't* jumped on that plane :-)

[fardel]

4 You dream about leaving a country where you have everything for another one you do not know
5 You leave a good job in your country to get a bad one in the country of your dreams
6

[Sam]

4. You want Nury Vittachi to post more!!!

[Sam]

i meant 7 :/

[fardel]

8 You are going to petition his boss for his early return

[Angela]

9. You think someone is in HK when she is in fact in SG.

10. You read Mr. Jam and post comment even as you are falling asleep.

[TS]

11. You forgot what these points is for.

[TS]

12. You use "is" when you should use "are".

[Karuna]

I think it is happening. There is a global pandemic of people losing their minds. All of us are soon going to be clones of George Bush Jr.

What other explanation other than "losing the mind" is there for the post from some writer chick called Julia who leaves a comments 2 years late on the article "Misbehaving Authors Caught in the Act". It seems she endulged in some kind of public sexual rite with our own philanderer Nury.

[godiva]

13.
14. You start to believe there really are unlucky numbers.
15. You tear today's Standard because there is no column from Nury.

[Sham]

Sham is back. Did not go on pilgrimage with Nury, unfortunately. I can see that the gang's comments have started to take a wierd turn, and you guys are posting about nothing.

I would like to see how the love triangle works out. Angela, why fardelita??

[fardel]

I do not agree
This post from Julia is really showing that Nury can make people do /say anything weird
If we thought that we had lost our minds, what we say looks dull compared to what they did

Did any of us do something that crazy?

[Angela]

16. You forgot why fardelita

17. You say to fardel, "not yet"

18. You are still reading and posting comments even when you are nursing an annoying headache

19. You wonder if Godot took your mind

20. You are starting to believe that the headache is due empty cranium

[Sham]

You know what i think? I think Nury didn't go away. I reckon he is sitting at home in his bathrobe and fluffy slippers, laughing his head off. He knows that were hooked on him, and he's enjoying tormenting us with his absence.

21. You are starting to believe that the headache is due to a mini-Nury residing in the back of your head.

[Sham]

Btw, i have that same look on my face as Julia Suryakusuma did in the picture everytime i read one of Nury's posts.

[TS]

22. See 23.

[l]

lol

[TS]

23. When you start posting links to blonde jokes: http://tinyurl.com/n2kkko

[fardel]

Breaking news!
An asian-looking individual with pink glasses was spotted on the Champs Elysées, driving an electric Reva , laughing like a maniac when gasping for air ....oops!!!! for fumes (the air is clean in Paris.)

I received a picture which , unhappily, I am unable to forward to you until the return of who you know;
i shall keep you posted when I receive more details

[ngela]

Hope he just drives and don't get out to walk. The air is clean but the sidewalks are littered with dog poops..hapless tourists beware.

[Angela]

Hope he keeps driving and don't get out to walk coz the air may be clean but the sidewalk is littered with dog poops. Hapless tourists beware.

[fardel]

Yes
In Paris we walk the dogs
In Hong Kong you wok them

[fardel]

i hope that somebody told him not to pick it up.
there is no coffee beans in it, in Paris

[sej]

TS: Try this one... http://www.ten.com.au/gnw. It's a TV show we have here in Australia. Bloody brilliant. Sexually risque and completely politically incorrect. There's usually the last four or five episodes, but like their on air broadcast, they do tend to skip episodes here and there (or just perhaps all over the place).

Fardel: Shame... it would have been a hilarious photo I suspect! Although Nury does I believe have a car, or, well, his wife does anyway, I think he wouldn't really get to use it much (parking being so expensive in HK).

[Karuna]

Breaking news!
The asian with pink glasses (aka AWPG) who was earlier spotted on the Champs Elysées, has now been reported to have been with President Clinton during talks at North Korea. Unconfirmed statement from highly reliable sources informs that AWPG has secret weapons of mass "mind" destruction.

In related news, Carla Bruni told reporters of Swiss newspaper Le Matin, "No comments", when asked if she was the woman seen with AWPG driving an electric Reva on Champs Elysées.

[fardel]

I was wondering who was this brunette hiding behind this muscular bodyguard who happens to be our venerable AWPG
I should have expected that.

[Angela]

Breaking News!

PYONGYANG - (APINN) or (Associated Politically Incorrect News Network) - Official North Korean News Agency inconspicuously leaked out information to the international media that AWPG brokered the release of the 2 female journalists.

The two journalists were pardoned as humanitarian gesture (or in the Asian bargaining terms it is known as "throw in some freebies lah!") after half-hour intense discussion between KJI and AWPG to trade North Korea's nuclear weapons for a copy of the highly confidential recipe of Uncle Ernie's super lethal chili bomb.

Meanwhile, it was also reported that Bill Clinton was there only to chauffeur/escort the female journalists back to the US and to serve as in-flight entertainment and stress reliever to the ladies. He provided personal services such as full body sensual olive oil massage or what the French calls Ménage à trois.

[Chamin]

24. You start waiting for AWPG news :o)

[godiva]

25. You re-check today's papers to look for AWPG's figure or shadow in the pictures maybe somewhere between the two journalists.
26. Not seeing him in the papers, you plan to go home really early to watch the news on TV as he might be there.
27. You fear that having met AWPG, KJI might force him to stay in NoKor and forbid him to write for anyone else.

[fardel]

28 you worry
he has been brainwashed to become a Standard journalist:
He will give the same news as the others:bad ones
29 you get angry:
How can he travel Europe and not find the time to drop a note to his followers?
30 you get jealous:
You invent stories of him with two ugly women in a private plane around the planet

[fardel]

Hey angela
Your best post ever
I broke two ribs falling off my chair

[emk]

You guys are brilliantly funny.

[Uli]

Genuinely sorry for having been too busy to catch up reading
No, I haven't met Nury here (Germany), he said he'd go to France and UK.
And no, our baby-boy is still where he should be until the end of September... :-))) But he is really partaking in my reading your comments and catching up reading the lates Nury-columns because I have to laugh so much that he is really angry for the long disturbances of his quiet young life....
As I am now on maternal leave I'll have much more time to catch up and - of course - contribute my comments as well.
Great to be back among all of you!!!!

[fardel]

Hey Uli
If for any reason the baby does not want to come out on time, let us know;
I am sure that shall find some contractions-producing jokes for you.
But it is going to be ok.
This little one wants wants to find out why his mother is shaking like a maniac

[Chamin]

When I was served Camembert cheese for the first time, I thought it had gone bad. The friend who served it was a bachelor, so this was very much possible.

[Chamin]

31. You respond to comments posted long ago, and realize that you are not reading the new ones.

[fardel]

A good camembert should be soft to the touch ( which means that it is creamy inside) which a white " skin".
when the skins turns brown , you have to fasten your seat belt, put cloth pins on your nose to eat it.
At this point it burns your taste buds.
when the skin is brown with holes, and little heads scream at you , " do not eat me , do not eat me! then it gets a good taste again.

[Karuna]

can I cook it in curry and have with paratha ?

[Angela]

Karuna, I recommend you order your prata with camembert inside, as in cheese prata that we get here in SG. Then you dip in thick curry..yummy..guess I am having onion prata for lunch later :)

Few years ago I was so crazy about prata that I attempted to make it in my own kitchen. It was ok but I won't be putting my neighborhood Indian food stall out of business any time soon. I have yet to master the art of pulling the dough until it's paper thin without breaking it.

[Angela]

fardel, how many good ribs have you got left? Is there enough for God to make your female companion?

Guess we have to rename you the "Aviator of the Ca-rib-bean"

[Angela]

Should be:

the "Aviator of the Crack-rib-bean"

Apologies for multiple posting, my thoughts come slower than my fingers.

[Karuna]

crack rib...must be the reason that men grow a big belly after marriage.

Will let know my wife that it is her fault for my big belly. The beer that I consume is just to relieve the pain of a cracked rib.

[fardel]

Camembert in paratha?
Humm why not , I shall try it

In curry,
this, i am not sure
i shall keep you posted

belly: a belt that some modern young men develop to replace the abs they do not have, in order to protect their ribs from their skinny "sweet half"
Belly: a belt that married men have developed for protecting their ribs from the attacks their " turned-bitter halves"

Since I do not have either, I'd better protect myself from female " so-called companion"

If I wanted to change my mindabout it , i would not be able to do so:i still have to wait for my watchdog-daughter to be taken away by a young fool
This might take some time, since it is difficult to fool the young generation

sorry Angela,
it might be wise that you think about cracking somebody else's rib ( except through your jokes).

[TS]

They give birth astride of a grave, the light gleams an instant, then it’s night once more.

[Uli]

Fardel, Angela, TS and all: I suppose we're already on a good way to evict my son from my belly. I hardly can stop laughing and he won't stop budging and poking :-)))
The Aviator of the Crack-rib-bean ... That was brilliant, Angela!!!