Foods you can’t eat

 

It’s official: all foods are now bad for you

DEATH. DESTRUCTION. PANIC. The end of life as we know it. My journalistic friends are SO happy just now. Nothing makes press people more ecstatic than a pandemic.

When one newswire report said a global pandemic could kill up to 142 million individuals, a features editor I know almost died of euphoria. Fortunately, I had a rhino-strength tranquilizer dart in my pocket to bring her down from the ceiling.

But of course the world isn't really being swept by a swine flu virus. It is being swept by swine flu hysteria, which is not dangerous at all, and can be kind of fun.

Yet although Asia is not the source of the trouble this time, it will eventually get the blame. (Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary has already identified it with Asia in a speech.) People outside the region always think of it as a dirty, germ-ridden place.

I hosted a first-time visitor the other day and she declared herself "too health-conscious" to eat a salad. This made no sense to me.

"But surely salads are good for health," I said.

She shook her head. "It's bad to drink water in Asian cities, and lettuce is rinsed in water, so I won't eat salads or anything raw."

The carvery table at the restaurant where we were dining was offering a roast leg of pork. "Not pork," she said. "I don't want to catch swine flu. I read that in Asia, pigs are kept in homes."

"That's true," I said. "I myself keep a small herd in my kitchen for bacon."

She didn't seem surprised at this. She asked: "Is the beef safe? Do you have mad cow disease here?"

I nodded. "Yes, it’s very common, particularly among women. But we have a more polite name for it. We call it Pre-Menstrual Tension." She looked confused. "I'm not sure we're talking about the same thing," she said. "Never mind. I'll skip the beef. What else is there?"

"What about some nice barbecued chicken?" I said. She jumped back in horror as if I was suggesting we dine on raw human hearts, which of course I wasn't. (I only eat raw human hearts on special occasions, such as sports finals.)

"No way," she replied. "I heard about all the bird flu you have here."

"Well, how about seafood?" I said.

She replied: "I never eat seafood when I'm travelling. It gives you the runs."

I offered: "Eggs?"

She replied: "Salmonella."

"Tuna nicoise?"

"Dysentry."

"Potato salad?"

"Hepatitis A."

"Cheese?"

"Staphylococcus."

"Bak choi?"

"MSG."

"Fruit platter?"

"E. Coli."

At that point, I lowered the menu. "It seems to me that the only thing you can have for lunch is a glass of water. No, hang on, you won't drink water in Asia, you said at the beginning."

She contented herself with a can of Coke. How weird is modern life when a woman who is obsessive about her health has Coca-Cola for lunch?

And me? To inflict maximum suffering on this pestilent visitor, I chose the most mouthwatering, aromatic Asian foods I could think of. I had seafood laksa, followed by chicken korma, with banana fritters and palm syrup for dessert.

If one day my dinner is going to kill me, I might as well enjoy it. Anyone want to join me one day for a nice slice of roast porc avec swine flu, with a tasty side of E. Coli salad? 
 

Technorati Tags: swine flu,swine flu humor,foods you can't eat

Comments

[Blackbeard]

Mmmmmm...seafood laksa (Malaysian version)with LOTS of chillies..

Mmmmmm...

[fardel]

You really have good manners.
I would choose
raw oysters
Snails
Frog legs
And a plate of cheese:Munster, Roquefort,and a "ripe" Camembert (cheese so full of worms that you have to eat it before it runs away from the plate)

Now that you gave me an idea for dinner,I'll go to one of the 40+ gastronomic restaurant in my village and really have this meal.
Thanks for the idea

[Lilet]

You should have told your guest that her Coca-Cola is a good toilet cleaner...or something to that effect.(this coming from the numerous spam e-mails on bad foods). I'd be amused to see her chug it after.

[Wei Jun]

Blackbeard,
The best laksa is from Thailand...though malaysia has almost all the asian food you ask for...proud to be a malaysian.

i'll have pork intestines and liver in soup, plus some turtle meat. And I'm not joking. You can find it here in malaysia. the turtle is a little rare but you get all the parts of a pork edible here. i like the intestines most.... the liver's abit...dry and sandy..

[TS]

Swine flu, straight from the source: http://tinyurl.com/c8vcxx

[Rika]

Mmmm yummy! TS: I actually quite like the tongue although I prefer the mad cow version, it is a bit richer in flavour. I had an uncle however who always demanded an egg when we had it for dinner; he wasn't willing to eat something that somebody had in its mouth before ;o)

I definitely have to travel Asia, it seems to be worthwhile all the diseases. You guys should write the perfect food itinerary: A route through Asia along the best dishes while catching every bug possible. Who survives is ready to breed the new human super race. Saves a lot of money for pharmaceuticals and is more fun.

[Uli Dernbach-Steffl, Germany]

I liked your food column very much, in fact I forwarded it to a friend of mine who has been to Asia, too, and incidentally is a journalist and a "nearly Vegetarian" ;-))) It should keep her happy today!
BTW, my choice would have been the hundred-year-old eggs with doufu, a nice dog casserole, seafood, snake soup and these good things... I'm getting realyl hungry now....

[Chamin]

> Anyone want to join me one day for a nice slice of roast porc avec swine flu, with a tasty side of E. Coli salad?

Please count me in. I prefer it free, a craving that dates back to the grad-student times :o).

[Harry]

I was absolutely astounded when I ordered my hamburger rare in an Applebee's (a US chain) in the Gulf (Note to Americans, THE Gulf is between Arabia and Iran, NOT off Mexico). I was told that, by company policy, I could not have meat rare. I made up for it next time in France by having steak tartare.