Technology in the bedroom

 

Scientists are invading the field of relationships, and good luck to them

YOUR BOYFRIEND MAY be a mega hunk now. But how do you know whether he grow up to be a fat, bald guy who can only produce fat, bald children?

Now you can tell. All you have to do is get him to spit at you. (Some boyfriends helpfully do this without being asked.)

You then send the spit to an agency in London called SnipScreen. They analyze his DNA and send you a report containing 230 "predispositions". These tell you whether his offspring are likely to have freckles, brown eyes, a thick waist, bald patches, an addiction to watching American Idol and so on. You can then reject the guy, or, if a fat, bald TV-addicted family is what you most deeply desire, you can marry him on the spot.

It costs just US$199 to get a blob of spit analyzed. Want to compare two boyfriends? Then it's US$174 each. The agency offer bulk discounts, dropping the price to US$150 per sample for 50 boyfriends or more. (I suspect that deal is aimed at Madonna.)

In theory, guys can get their girlfriends' DNA analyzed too, but in practice, males aren't fussy. If the woman has close to the average number of legs and breasts, that'll pretty much do.

SnipScreen does not give any information as to how to get the spit sample.

Girls: if you want to be discreet, I suggest you propose some sort of romantic exchange. "Darling, to celebrate our love, I will give you a tress of my hair in a locket, and you give me some saliva to keep in this vial." It's worth a try.

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Technology is invading relationships. The people who make those heartbeat watches are expanding into all areas of health monitoring.

Ladies, this is how you are going to have babies in the near future. At the moment of conception, a message will appear on your wrist-monitor:

"Intrusion detected. An outside agent is attempting to upload material into your system. Transfers such as this can contain viruses. If you know and trust the originator of the material being transferred, click here."

It will probably also ask this question:

"Always trust material from this source: Yes/ No."

The following morning, it will tell you if you are pregnant, asking:

"Continue / Retry/ Abort."

Your wrist device will then send a message to the father's. Chances are, he will be speechless. Your machine will say:

"Unable to get a response from remote source. Retry in 60 seconds/ Give up/ Ignore."

When those strange hormones kick in and you become grumpy and unpredictable, your monitor will send a warning to your husband's:

"Warning: System instability detected."

When you can no longer think straight, it will say:

"Warning: Memory in random access mode."

And when the baby is about to be born, it will say:

"Eject? Yes/ No."

I don't envy the techies programming these machines. Human relationships are SO complicated. I expect they'll include some sort of cop-out error message for use at difficult times, such as when the couple has an argument in bed:

"We’re sorry but we have encountered a problem and have to close down. You can send an alert to Microsoft which tells us exactly what you were doing at the time. Send/ Don’t send."

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Comments

[fardel]

Read in the Standard of Hong Kong

THE FUTURE OF LOVE:MATING GAME WILL BE JUST A LITTLE CLICK AWAY

Wrong !

IT IS ALREADY THERE:
Mr jam can mellow the toughest one by introducing the smartest good looking angel from the other side of the planet

[Karen A.]

hahaha!

[Vince A]

A friend of mine is a product manager for that wrist-monitor product.

He says it's really hard to perfect the device's programming, and they will have to ship it with the following disclaimer: "The manufacturer will not be liable for marriages resulting from false positives"

[angela]

False positives is a bug on the beta version. It has been resolved with the release of the latest update: "Microsoft compatibility pack", which comes with technical support called marriage counseling

If the problem persist tech support usually advise user to "shut down and re-boot" or give it another try

If the issue is still not resolved, users can opt for "remove programs"
i.e. woman remove man but keep all/most hardware peripherals

At this point the now single again users will be advised to set the "auto update" to default setting (every month new date), note that "date and time settings" will go on overdrive and woman's "display settings" usually shows significant improvement while man tends to connect more "portable media devices" sometimes on fortnightly frequency.

if user configures internet connection, user will usually have more options to "add programs" which could lead user to "add hardware" in the form of new partner.

[Karuna]

Nury...what have you done with Fardel ?

[Varun]

just one more thoguht to add... what if the software doesnt know who is the father...will it let u enter an email adress ...hi hiiiii