Never mind same-sex marriage, in Asia, same-species marriage is the issue
A woman named Shirley Tan is due to be deported from the US to Asia later this month. But she's pleading that she should be treated as if she is married to an American citizen, since she has lived with one woman for 23 years. The case is being supported by Marriage Equality, which describes itself as "an organization whose mission is to secure legally recognized civil marriage equality for all".
Interesting. We could really do with that group in Asia, where a significant number of brides and grooms do not enjoy their full human rights with regards to marriage. This is largely because they are not human. They are monkeys, statues, ghosts or trees.
It’s true. In the Indian province of Orissa, two monkeys were married in a Hindu ceremony at a wedding attended by 3,000 guests. The bride, Jhumuri, wore a five-metre long silk sari and a solid gold necklace. The groom, Manu, was taken by a procession to the temple. Priest Daitari Dash told the BBC: "I followed all the rituals that I do in human marriages." Manu's only comment was: "Oo-oo-oo-oo," which I think means, "Geez, those humans are SO dumb, could you pass me some more cake, please."
Then there was the wedding in Orissa's Balia township, where two trees were married in a party with 2,000 guests. This may sound dull but it was actually a totally edgy event. You see, it involved a peepal tree and a banyan tree, so it was kind of the arboreal equivalent of an interracial wedding.
The bridegroom was lost for words and looked a bit wooden, but guys tend to be like that at weddings anyway.
Marriage is on my mind these days. It's odd. All my single friends look jealously at married people, wishing they too were happy and settled.
But all my married friends look jealously at single friends, wishing they too were happy and free.
What does this mean? It means I need new friends.
But perhaps it's the zeitgeist. Maybe people everywhere these days are not happy unless they are miserable.
When it comes to marriage, I'm not really worried about my single female friends. Women just go out and adopt 30 cats.
It's the single men who concern me. They go weird and end up in jail. Married men commit far fewer crimes. Speaking for myself, I would love to commit my quota, but married guys just don't have the time or energy.
Of course, the answer to this problem is obvious. Every man who is still single at the age of 30 should be transported to India. Two hundred and nine men were kidnapped in that country in 2007 for purposes of marriage, a recent government report revealed. Indian women are not picky. Two of the guys were less than 10 years old and three were over 50, according to a Crime in India report prepared by that country's National Crime Records Bureau.
Rumors of people being kidnapped for body parts were found to be false. Not a single case was found. "Marriage was the main cause of kidnapping," the report said.
So if you can’t find a partner, guys, take the initiative. Fly to India and stand around looking marriageable. If the kidnappers don't want you, a tree might be interested.
