Life without domestic help

Men can operate any type of gadget, except a washing machine

THANKS, GUYS, I like the comments the last few days about the way Asians call everyone Uncle and Auntie, and especially Angela's phrase "Chicken Rice Uncle" -- sounds like it would make a good name for a pop group. (To readers unfamiliar with Asia, a "chicken rice uncle" would be how a young person might refer to a street food salesman.) In lots of families, the domestic helper also becomes "auntie", too.

There have been lots of comments about domestic helpers lately, and they reminded me of something.

I once phoned a friend who had recently gone through a marital separation. He was in a state of deep misery. "Are you missing your wife and kids?" I asked.

"No," he wailed. "I'm missing the domestic helper."

I went round and found him in a dirty apartment trying to use the washing machine. Have you noticed that men can run incredibly complicated machines like nuclear power plants, interplanetary spacecraft and Windows Vista computers, but are completely and utterly helpless when asked to turn on a washing machine?

"I'm supposed to separate fast colors and non-fast colors," he said. "I didn't even know colors had speeds."

Pathetic. I explained to him that "fast colors" clearly referred to red things, since sports cars were red.

He plaintively asked: "How does one know whether something is made of cotton?"

"Er, you send it to a materials testing lab and ask them to analyze the fibers," I told him.

In the end, we used the classic male technique of chucking everything in together, pushing all the buttons and cranking every thing to maximum level. (It works for sports cars, computer games, sex, etc.)

The machine was soon making very loud clunking noises, so we assumed that it was doing its job.

We later discovered that the cause of the racket was the fact that he hadn't emptied the pockets of the clothes being washed. Never mind. It's not as if Blackberrys and i-Phones are expensive, after all.

Fast forward to the present day. Scene: my apartment. Unlike my friend above, I still have my wife and three kids, plus granny and the dog. But my domestic helper decided to take two weeks off.

"No problem," I said. "Take as long as you like. It'll be good for us to look after ourselves for a while."

I'd read that the financial crisis had caused thousands of families world-wide to lose helpers, drivers, amahs, nannies, cooks and servants. So many people are surviving without help.

Day one: We do our own cooking and cleaning. No problem. What’s the fuss about? Piece of cake.

Day two: Our home continues to function, although it's kind of scary how the laundry basket fills to overflowing every 12 hours.

Day four: Clothes pile up faster than they can be washed. Stacks of dirty plates appear on the kitchen counter four times a day. Heaps of junk accumulate on every flat surface by magic.

Day six: Chaos mounts. Doors can no longer be fully opened. The carpet can no longer be seen. We eye the calendar, praying for our helper's return.

Day eight: Piles of detritus are now so high that we lose the smallest child for hours at a time. We consider moving to a hotel.

Day 10: In a bid to emerge from chaos, all seven of us, including the dog, spend hours washing and cleaning. We use a GPS system to locate the phone and the TV.

Day 11: We get an SMS from our domestic helper telling us that she wants to extend her absence for a third week.

We'll appreciate her when she returns. She can have the washing machine back and I'll go do something simple, such as organizing interplanetary space missions or (now this will impress you) configuring Windows Vista ON A MAC.

Comments

[Karen A.]

I hope your domestic goddess is not reading your post today Mr. Nury...hahaha!

[fardel]

From the description of Nury's house after two weeks without a domestic helper ,everybody can have a full picture of what my house looks like after 12 years by myself.
If I leave the house for more than two hours , I need a machette to cut the spiderwebs to access the kitchen, or the bedroom.
I got such a reputation that no local domestic helper would answer my job offers.
I had not other choice than to get the best professional domestic goddess from abroad.
She started to clean up this mess two weeks ago, but we are going to need another week.
She just happens to be Nury's domestic helper.
This is why he is not so happy.

Don't you worry Nury,
She will be on the first flight, monday coming

Hey Karuna
Aren't we missing your picture?

By the way
We have collected enough spiderwebs to make two parachutes.
Anyone interested?

[Vince A]

In my work as a consultant, I've learned that re-branding is all you need to improve the image of your work. A re-brand makes you sound more professional, and lets you bill ten times more.

For example, "bald funny guy" becomes "noted humorist", "luggage pusher" becomes "Caribbean station manager", or "cubicle-worker" becomes "consultant".

I worked on a million dollar re-branding exercise with one domestic helper agency who wants to raise their per hour charges 10 times. They wanted customers to look at their staff as "professionals", and not as helpers. Not even sub-consciously.

I've just presented my recommendation to them and advised them to relaunch each of their staff as a Household Entropy Limitation, Prevention, & Elimination Resource.

I am expecting resounding success for my client.

[Ellen]

Why is it that people think of Asia as a poor place, when lots of people inAsia have servants, and even some servants have servants, but in the "rich" West, almost no one can afford staff?

I have a friend who is moving to America with her husband's bank job, and she says the same thing as above. She's going to have to learn to cook and clean for the first time. She'll miss the helper more than anything.

Maybe Vince's concept is the reason. In Asia, bosses make all of us work long hours for as little pay as possible. but in the West, you have to pay everyone quite a lot of money (plus you have to give them respect). Inthe west everyone is a "professional" and a maid is a House Cleansing Operative who charges a fortune per hour.

As for needing a machette to get through the flat, or using a GPS to find the telephone, this is a perfect description of any teenager's bedroom!

[fardel]

Thanks for the consultation.
I am afraid that you are a little late,in my case
I already increased my bills tenfold.
But thanks to your assistance I shall increase it twentyfold

Being very cautious person I am worried with the word rebranding:
Doesn't "Branding" mean :being marked with a hot iron and tattooed to life?
Do we have to wear this tattoo on the forehead, or the top head in the case of the columnist
Can put it on a more secret place, so that we can select who we should show the brand to?

[fardel]

Hi Ellen

We never stopped being TEENAGERS!

[farah]

hey fardel thanks for making the definition of branding very clear. next time my boss asks (of sheer exasperation of satisfying his level of answer)i will just give your version.

[Eric]

i have 17 nephews and niecesand they all call me Uncle Eric,, so boring. From now on I am going to ask them to call me Chicken Rice Uncle !

hang on, my favourite food is actually Stinky Tofu so perhaps they should call me Stinky Tofu Uncle

[Santox]

Over the years, many of the dosmestic help in Malaysia come from Philippines. Nowadays, the trend has been diverted to the Indonesian maids, and a small number from Cambodia, Vietnam , India , Sri Lanka and Burma. However, when it came to the domestic help from Mainland China, there was a big hullabaloo from many social quarters and so they are not permitted to work here as maids. The reason: Wives of Chinese businessmen fear that these Chinese maids might post family and social problems and of losing their husband eventually.

[Senra]

I loved your today's article! I feel the same only by thinking that I might be without my dear Arcie! Only by thinking! She is kind enough to agree to go on holidays when we are away. So sweet! I say 'Thanks God' everyday for having such a great and dear helper with us!

[SJ]

This article seems to be a compliment to the Malaysian government since it has started to draft new laws to protect domestic workers. I wonder if there is any in the other Asian countries! Nice piece, Nury!

[josie p]

dear Mr Nury,
i've been a follower of your column at The Standard that missing a copy makes me sick that i can't start my work as a domestic helper in a good mood. it takes a while for me to reboot my "engine" by rereading the back copy or yesterday's copy.thanks for your many positive comments regarding us helpers- things thatsome or most employers including the hk government do not or refuses to see or recognize: we do the dirty, demeaning, degrading and dangerous work that they dont want to do in exchange of a wage equivalent to the price of a cheap pair of shoes(for most of them.Add to these 4Ds are the economic advantages that we contribute to the HK economy from phones , phonecards, tram and ferry fares which we consider cheap but when summed up is equal to the size of victoria park,mcdonalds meals, the sapman sapman commodities that we buy, the things we cram into the door to door boxes we send to our families, etc,etc. The list goes on and on but for the HK government we are mere helpers or slaves in the modern times that makes it shameful for them to "bow" to people who are tethered to the lowest rung of their millionaires' society. We may be helpers( panmuy or kungyan)but we can move mountains and THANKS FOR YOUR COMMENT:LIFE without us is a misery.

josie

[angela]

The sight of Fardel wielding a machete is indeed scary ;-)

[DOLIN S. OPENANO]

that's the credit, mostly employers will just realize the importance of domestic helpers when these are gone or away. When the maid is there they don't seem to notice them. Sometimes they don't even notice they way we work for them even though we r really doing our best to do our work well. But anyway thanks. Atleast you still let your domestic helper enjoyed her vacation that u even aproved when she ask for an extension. You did not spoiled the vacation of your domestic helper eventhough you really wanted to let her back. So i really apreciate you. You know some employers just drag their domestic helper back if they want> they don't even give consediration and the poor domestic helper just run coming back because she is afraid to lost her job{terminate} if she will not listen to her employer MORE POWER AND GOD BLESS!!!!!

[Joanne]

As a Chinese American who lived in HK as a child, I find the average HKers' attitudes toward domesticate workers appalling. Everyone in my family works just as hard in the US, but we all manage to pitch in with housework. Not to mention the house we live in is much bigger than the usual dwellings in HK. These workers are not "slaves/servants" and they deserve better treatment and better pay.

[Lisa]

I just realised what a jewel our helper is after discussing the Easter holidays with other mums at my son's playgroup.
One mum complained that her helper hadn't come back after the holidays and she worried she wouldn't ever see her again - turns out her flight was delayed.
Another commented that I was lucky because even with the long weekend, my helper still comes back on the second evening to wash two days' worth of dishes piled in the sink. Apparently, her helper would never do that.
But then, are foreigners more lenient towards their helpers?
My mother-in-law thought I bullied our helper and my husband had to explain to her that if we didn't let her do stuff, she'd think we didn't need her anymore and be in danger of losing her job.

[Ismsons]

uncle hilarious u r so funnny