Dr Google cures anything

People are now getting medical advice from their computers

THERE IS A NEW doctor in your town. His office is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week. He is a specialist in every disease. He never turns a patient away. And his service is completely free.

Got you excited, have I? What's his name and address? Well, his name is Dr Google and he's as close as your nearest computer.

There is a massive exodus from the medical sector to the Internet, I notice. Why queue up for hours in a waiting room full of grotty, diseased neighbours to spend a fortune for a diagnosis by a single person?

Simply type your ailment into the Google search engine or Yahoo Answers and then wait for responses to come pouring in from the Hive Mind.

I had this in the back of my head somewhere when I went for my usual weekend run with my banker friends. Halfway to the starting point, I heard a strange ticking noise.

I looked everywhere for the source. Since I had stripped to shorts and a singlet, I didn't have much to search. The ticking, strangely, was coming from INSIDE my right leg. I thought I might be going crazy but the other joggers could hear it too.

This was a case for Dr Google! When I got home, I typed "help! my leg is ticking!" into the search engine. I then sat back to let the power of the Internet do its magic.

"You have a damaged meniscus," one response said. I have no idea what a meniscus is, but I felt the answer somehow insulted my manhood.

"You have a posterior cruciate ligament injury," said another. This was worrying for two reasons: one, I didn't understand any of it, and two, it mentioned my posterior, which, as far as I know, is a euphemism for "bottom", or am I thinking of "posterity"?

Other answers seemed to come from amateurs.

1. "You have a screw lose in your leg, or more likely, your head."

2. "You are bionic and your parents never told you."

3. "You ate a clock in your sleep."

4. "You are a replicant and Deckard is on his way to wipe you out." (A reference to the movie Blade Runner.)

5. "Al Qaeda terrorists have hidden a time bomb in your right knee."

By this stage, I was about to give up, when the next page of Google fetched up a conversation on a medical website. Veronica, a young aerobics teacher, said: "Two days ago after the gym I noticed my left knee making a click sound whenever I went up the stairs. Should I be concerned?"

A doctor replied: "Dear Veronica, the vast majority of clicks are completely harmless." He told her that if there was no other problem, such as pain or swelling, the noise could be ignored.

So I ignored the problem and signed up for another run. The information was right. The ticking had no effect. Dr Google had scored.

I mentioned this to a doctor friend. He listened to my knee. "Dr Google gave you a choice of diagnoses, but you chose the wrong one," he said. "I go for the loose screw theory."

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MEET THE GANG: This is Karuna, who lives in Sai Kung, Hong Kong, and has a business developing electronic products. He has two sons and would love some advice from any teachers reading this as to where to send his son to primary school.

(This is an occasional series highlighting members of this community. Email your pics to me, please: nury@vittachi.com)

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Comments

[sheilajade]

I thought i was the only one consulting Dr. Google. I had been doing this since i learned how to search on the internet.
About 2 months ago, i discovered something unusual with my body ( i was getting sexier~ err... not! I was only joking ;-P Ms. Angela might be reminded of some stories again.

Having no time to physically see the doctor, i just searched what the "unusual" thing on google as my first action. I was thinking, if it says you may be having a type of cancer, then i will go to see a doctor immediately. Plus, doctors fee are so expensive especially if i'll have to see a specialist.
So far, i am fine following the recommended home-remedy advised by Dr. Google.

[Paramed]

I am in the medical profession and i think self-diagnosis by internet can be a good thing. many of the ailments that trouble people are rather minor or imaginary or disappear by themselves in a short space of time.

By delaying their visit to the doctor for a day or two to study their ailment on the internet, they often find that the disease has started to disappear.

The key is, of course, the ability to differentiate intelligent responses from medical professionals (like that given to Veronica in the main posting above) from amateur comments. Not everyone can do this.

There is, of course, a chance that you may get some bad advice either accidentally or maliciously. But I'm not too worried about that. First, I am not aware of disasters where "Dr Google" has caused death or serious problems, and second, if it does happen, the victim cannot sue the members of the medical profession!

[Alan "Al" Qaeda]

There is a bomb in your right knee. I put it there. I suggest you evacuate the rest of your body immediately.

[farah]

he is Karuna??? :O:O all this time i thought he was a girl!! i guess he now can call up his parents and complain that he got a girl's name.

[angela]

Nury, the simple remedy to ticking knee is to have a surgery to replace the analog clock inside your knee with a digital clock. This way you can tell the time more accurately minus the annoying clicking noise.

Print my referral letter and take it to your friendly neighborhood surgeon who will perform this simple day surgery. You should be up and about, writing columns again in no time at all.

Signed
Dr. Angela Googler, MD
Specialist in ticking knees and recurrent spiderwebs in your house

[angela]

Hi Karuna! I also thought Karuna is a girl's name.

Well I know a guy named Leslie and girl named Marc. Maybe they should swap names :)

[Thomas J. Hudak, Jr. CPA]

It would be a very productive activity to remove the rantings writings and otherwise useless coments of this wantabe "author". I will not favor any products of any vendor associated with this idiot asian monkey. Get off the air, presses and any other medium which allows your garbage to get out to people. You should count your blessings that you don't run into superior people after some of the imbicilic comments you have posted.

[angela]

I googled "how to remove undesirable comments from mr. jam's diary"

Answers that came up:

1. ignore it
2. take it as a compliment that you've arrived if you get hate mails
3. smile, everyone has a purpose, even if only to serve as a bad example

I choose #3 as the best answer

Dr. Google scored again!

[Lurker_29]

I am rather amused by the way the person who signs himself "Mr Thomas J Hudak Jr" above sets himself in judgement over the author who writes these columns but

a) cannot spell
b) fails to write in a way which is remotely witty or entertaining
c) signs his name to a comment that is clearly defamatory in law

Dear Sir, first, learn to spell before you criticize a professional author. Second, get a sense of humor before you embarrass yourself further.

[Ellen]

Id like to propose a new verb. To "hudak" is to make an accusation that defeats itself. Examples.

"You are a bad riter."

"Always avoid alliteration"

[Nury]

Actually, I found Mr Thomas J Hudak Jr CPA's letter rather amusing.
But I just wonder if he really meant imbicilic?
Maybe he meant imbissilik?
Or imbisillek?
Or imbycylic?
Or windowsillic?
Or bimboceltic?

Anyway, I thank him for informing me that I am not really an author. I wonder who wrote all those books in the bookshop? Maybe he did!

[angela]

I would like to vote in favor of the new verb "hudak". It should be passed into an entry in the mr. jam dictionary soon.

Examples of usage:

1. Thou shall not hudak.
2. Hudaking is a crime punishable by law
3. The hudakers are not welcome here

[Anon]

It seems to me that Mr Hudak is like a person who instead of going to restaurants he likes, he goes to restaurants that other people like, and then he shits on the table.

[Ghostwriter]

hmm ~~~ found this when I googled "Thomas J. Hudak". He died last saturday !
http://pittsburghlive.com/x/pittsburghtrib/obituaries/?mode=view&obit_id=171248

[Nury]

Wow. That's cool.

A GHOST is writing comments on my site!

Beat that, Ariana Huffington.

[Anon]

Dr.Google tells us that a venture capitilist in Hong Kong also goes with the same name..."Thomas J. Hudak, Jr. CPA"

http://www.h2hprods.com/WhoWeAre_Leadership.html

Nury...have you made him angry.
OR is it someone else angry with him and using his name... :)

[Santox]

Nury, I have a feeling , we are experiencing a serial of Dr.Google and Mr. Ghost.
Dr. Google: " Thank you for your enquiry. You will find that my diagnosis most acurate and prescription a great healer at a click away, for all ailments.
Mr. Ghost: " Specialist in haunting, never healing; also available 24 hrs."
***
Mr. Karuna, Li Hao Mah?

[Vince A]

"I wonder who wrote all those books in the bookshop?"

Nury, we also wonder, because you always tell us we do your work for you.

[Karen A.]

Although I don't post comments very often I always visit your site everyday Mr. Nury (during Saturday and Sundays for the latest comments, jeje!)

Well, according to the book I'm reading right now entitled The Hong Kong Joke Book...former Governor Chris Patten said that the author is the funniest man in Hong Kong...and it says here that Mr. Nury Vittachi's the author...definitely! No doubt!

To Kuya Vince A, gandang lalake ah! Laking banana ketchup pa yan ha, hahaha!

To Uncle Karuna, hello to you!

[A friend]

I think you guys are wise to take this all in good humor and joke around but I can detect some nasty racism underlying the comments signed Hudak. he calls nury "an Asian monkey" and in his other comment he says leave asia to its own demise".

A person with that name plays a racist and a bigot in a movie featuring the klu klux klan. see link below

http://www.hkcinemagic.com/en/page.asp?aid=106&page=1

If you are reading this, Mr H, you are at liberty to sneer at Asia and Asians. But this is a multi-cultural, international community, people of all colors, and we will not stoop to your level.

[Karuna]

"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat: "we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."

[Vince A]

Google works best when many other people have experienced the same symptoms previously, over the years. Because then a huge knowledgebase of symptoms and causes have become available.

But there are a few cases where Google would be useless to you, and you best see a traditional doctor:

- When your rheumatism prevents you from typing:

Google search: "Why do my fingers hurt so much I cannot type at all?" (Zero results. None of the sufferers could tell their story)

- When you are hopelessly dyslexic:

Google search: "Wyh dose ym nkee tkic when I nur?"

- When our are truly a moron:

Google search: "Why does my friend Nury's knee tick"

- When you confuse symptoms with causes:

Google search: "Why is there a bomb in my right knee?"

- When you are hopelessly intellectually anal:

Google search: "I run, well jog really, every morning, and quite frequently I experience a slight ticking (more like clicking actually), near the base of my right patella, that is to say, my kneecap."

[fardel]

Sigh!
Things are getting worse;
Not only are other members younger and bettter looking ,
They are also more successful.
Hi Karuna;
Congratulations for your business.
It is impressive.
Do you need a luggage pusher ?
Of course, if you accept, you would have to give me the title of :Container Flow Control Manager ( along with the corresponding salary.)

[Karuna]

ah ! Fardel ...saw the website of your airport. you are living a dream, I would say..

[sheilajade]

i thought karuna was a girl too.

[Santox]

If I'm not mistaken, Karuna is a Sanskrit word that means compassion. Therefore, it has an asexual application.

[Karuna]

yes..Santox, Karuna in Sanskrit does mean "compassion".

regarding the gender confusion, a client from Europe said they were confused since Uma Thurman's middle name is also "Karuna"

hmm...it may take a lot of photoshop work by Nury and his gang to convert my photo to that of Uma Thurman !!!

[Karuna]

Sheilajade and Karen: Magandang gabi po, Kumusta po kayo?

[sheilajade]

Wow! very good Mr. Compassion.
Magandang gabi din po. Mabuti naman ako. Kamusta kayo?

[Karen A.]

I'm impressed Kuya Karuna! I'm doing fine...thank you. I'm finished with my work for awhile now and I'm all set to finish Uncle Nury's book (I intend to read all his books in the library before I go back to Philippines). I just drop by to read the recent comments posted here. Until tomorrow...nyt-nyt everybody!

[Joan Tom Ass Sr/ HHudak/KPA]

My dear poor fellow asian monkey brothers

I would like to extend my apologies to all of you for the fact that one of our Counsellor for the Planet of the Apes, got carried away in an attempt to address his admiration for your work;
As you may have noticed , his message was full of mistakes and errors ;

It did not make much sense in your language .
I would like to point out that consellor Jon Tom Ass (his real name) has received our highest reward the Honorary Un dergraduate Diploma in Ape Knowledge ( what we call a hudak in our planet);
The message he wanted to send you was the following:
''It would be very productive activity to improve the grants in writing,and otherwise priceless comments to our want-to be writers:
I will be in favour of any products from any vendor associated with this High- Idea and hot Asian brother ( here,a monkey is a brother without any hair on his head );
Take off to the air, use any any media to allow your garage ( our name for library) to get out to our people.
We would like to count on your blessing so that we can turn into superior people after learning from some of the idyllic comments you have posted.''

Our sincerest apologies

Joan Tom Ass senior,
HHudak.KPA
King of the Planet of the Apes

[Fardel]

It may seem strange but I always thought that Karuna was a man looking like this;

Thanks for the comments on my airport;
As a matter of fact , we have two airports in our island :the big one , where big planes fly low over the beach (St Maarten) and the small one where smaller planes fly low over the houses(St Martin Grand- Case )
As you may have guessed, I live in the smaller one;
( No! I did not make a grammatical mistake)

As you said I am lucky to live here;
I still have to go through hard times:
This afternoon it took me twenty minutes to load a baby stroller:I had to leaf through the operating handbook of the "Cadillac of the baby stroller " to figure out how to fold it without having to remove the disc brakes, the canopy, the bottle compartment, and the integrated GPS.
Nothing is perfect
Sigh

[Hudak]

Stop referring to me as Hudak. If you note from my postings, I like to be known by my full name, which is "Thomas J. Hudak Junior CPA Superior Person".

Thank you.

[Eep eep]

I am shocked that Thomas J Hudak Jr CPA Superior Person (happy now?) refers to persons associated with this site as "Asian monkeys".

This is an insult to Asian monkeys.

[Nik]

Dear Nury,

It pains me to see a fellow professional who clearly suggests the wrong cure for your medical problem. There are some doctors are quick to recommend un-needed surgery for simple ills, without making any test at all!

I will not delve into this Dr. Google's reputation or her quick recommendation for the surgery but let it suffice to say that I sincerely believe you have no need for any.

Let me verify my initial diagnosis. Please click on the link and tell me if you see a spinning wheel or a spinning earth: http://ldev.u.cc/

I am fairly sure, based on your earlier description of the symptoms that you will see a spinning wheel.

It's a spinning wheel, noh?

You have bats in your knees, and the ticking sounds you hear is just their way of saying that they're hungry. Click. Click. Click.

Just take my specially formulated organic, Guano Tea and it will cure this clicking bat problem.

Don't worry, there are many people who have the same condition as yours. Nothing to be ashamed of.

Yours truly,
Dr. Y.A.Hoo, DVM
-Specialist in women and other diseases.

PS
If you write me an email in the next 25.34 minutes, you get 50% off on your next purchase.

[Chin]

Dr. Google has it's negative side effects.

Search for long enough, and you'll find that the symptoms you've typed in make you 'eligible' for every disease under the sun...

[Thomas J. Hudak, III. CPA]

Sir -

I have irrefutable proof that you are not the author of books as you claim to be. I clicked on the "Books he's written" link, and saw vast emptiness. I knew it!

Yours faithfully,