Books to REALLY get your teeth into

 

The books2eat competition is a challenge in several ways, says judge Nury Vittachi

Two nervous first-time authors stood in front of me.

The young woman spoke first. "Did you like my book?" she asked.

I replied: "I can't get it out of my head. Literally. I have a bit of it stuck between my teeth."

"Did you like mine?" said the other author, chewing a fingernail.

I nodded. "Except for the green slimy stuff which stained my trousers, I loved it," I said.

He expressed his joy by jumping up and down and losing control over his bowels. (This was excusable, given that he was five years old and the son of a banker.)
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Your humble narrator, an author, has judged a lot of book prizes over the years, but I particularly look forward to one which takes in place in March and April each year: the international edible book competition.

Books2Eat was started by booklovers in France, but now people all over the world enter the contest, including Asian countries such as India and China.

Some competitors take the challenge literally, making books you can both read and eat. They fashion pages out of ham slices, rice paper, crepe suzettes, slices of beef jerky, or all of the above. They print words using fine-tipped icing dispensers or edible soy ink. Or they just use ordinary ink, hoping that the judges won't realize they've been poisoned until it's too late.

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Other competitors take a metaphorical approach, creating a cake which "suggests" a book. Often these are way too smart for me, especially when I am slowly dying of ink poisoning.

I do get some of the jokes.

At the Hong Kong round, one person delivered a mountain of doughnuts with a crown on top. Which book? Lord of the Rings.

In Shanghai, a person handed in a display of grapes, each painted with an angry face. Which book? Grapes of Wrath.

Perhaps the most subtle was an entry in the New York round consisting of a glass of martini served with a choice of olives or lemon twists. Can you work that one out?

Answer: Oliver Twist. ("Olive or twist", get it?)

Then there was the competitor who painted words of farewell on potato crisps. The book: Goodbye, Mr Chips.

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Last year a witty family named Debnam entered a row of plates, the first containing an apple and a lump of dough, the second a raw apple pie, the third a cooked apple pie, and the last, a few lonely pie crumbs. Which book?

The Life of Pi.

The same family this year made a pile of fake poo out of chocolate and edible bugs. The book?

Lord of the Flies.

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Yet the most dangerous section is the children's one. You can't expect children to realize that sausages and sugar frosting don't taste good together.

One small boy showed me his design for next year's competition: an edible version of "the alien invasion scene from Hamlet". (I don't remember that scene. It must have been the TV version.)

I looked at his list of ingredients and said I didn't think curried octopus and strawberry icing would be good to eat.

"Who cares?" he said. "I don't have to eat it. Only the judges do."

Believe me, that kid is going to go far.

Now excuse me while I line my stomach with a quick glass of ink.

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By the way, thanks, Mahesh, Santox and Naperville Mom on your comments on the column about drinking yesterday.

Actually, that article was based on memories, since I don’t drink alcohol at all any more. It’s strange. I thought I would miss it, but I don’t miss it at all.

It seems to me that when you give up something, you always get something positive in return. (Wow, that’s philosophical for this early in the morning.)

It’s a bit like marriage, really. You give up freedom but you get a whole of other stuff. I guess this is a good thing to have in mind during lent. I know quite a few people who have given up stuff – my wife is having no chocolate for 40 days. Since chocolate is the main part of her diet during the rest of the year, this is a BIG sacrifice.
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If anyone is near a TV, I will be on Bloomberg channel at 11.50 am Hong Kong time –- see you there.

Comments

[Cookie]

If I had entered that competition I surely
would make a book out of "hairy potatoes"
(these are literally dirty potatoes found in
Dhaka city).

[Chamin]

Aaaaaaaargh! missed the TV show :o(