24 signs you are a post-modern Asian

Scratch an Asian and underneath you find an Asian

MY FRIEND ANDY told me he goes to the Starbucks coffee shop every day. I told him he was a coffee addict. He shook his head. "Actually, I can't stand the stuff," he whispered. "I order tea."

Andy is your typical modern Asian yuppie fashion victim, or what I prefer to call "an idiot". You may think that's harsh, but anyone who pays US$5 for a cup of tea just to look trendy deserves to be dissed.

But then I realized I was no different. I go to trendy Western restaurants, but sneak in a bottle of chilli sauce to give the food a chance to bite back. (Warning: If you do this, DO NOT keep the chilli sauce in your trouser pocket. Tiny accidents can cause severe inflammation of the underpants, which can painfully damage your chance of fathering multitudes.)

It's funny: the inhabitants of cities in Asia look totally Westernized these days. Yet scratch the surface and you find traditional Asians underneath.

So here is a list of: Signs That You Are a Post-Modern Asian.

1. If you haven't eaten rice at least once a day, you feel hungry.
2. You have black hair but think of it as dark brown.
3. Many members of your family have politically incorrect nicknames, such as Fatty-Uncle.
4. Your number one guilty secret: you enjoy karaoke.
5. You have lived next door to someone for five years but know nothing at all about them.
6. Your older relatives still think that you have to shout into phones to make yourself heard.
7. You drive a German car in your dreams and a Toyota in real life.
8. You think wearing a Rolex Oyster is a legal requirement for Asian businessmen.
9. You have Western pills in your medicine cabinet, but also strange smelling rocks, seeds and a bit of sliced deer antler.
10. You have never even thought about paying full price for a DVD or CD.
11. Your parents don't realize that there are other things you can study at university other than business, medicine, law and engineering.
12. You have at least one friend whose first name is a noun, as in Diphtheria Chan.
13. You never realized that Solitaire could be played without a computer.
14. There are jars of dried leaves in the pantry of your family home.
15. Your mobile phone has a different ring tone for your main spouse and your "minor" spouse.
16. You know more European designer labels than any of your European friends.
17. You have no time for organized religion but take the feng shui of your office seriously.
18. You think there's nothing odd with an adult buying a Nintendo DS or a PSP for his or her own use.
19. You think of all software as freeware.
20. Several of your friends think use what they think are trendy, popular Western names, such as Winnie, Gilbert, Fanny and Connie.
21. You are amazed at what your Western friends pay for designer Asian clothes that look like the stuff in your grandmother’s wardrobe.
22. You have no interest in classic music but were forced to do piano or violin all the way to grade eight.
23. All your Western friends think you are good at math.
24. And you are reading this in a designer coffee shop drinking a US$5 cup of tea.

Technorati Tags: Signs you are Asian

Comments

[angela]

I plead guilty as charged.

[farah]

geez some of those did score. lucky for me i can make my own tea.

[jo bunker]

... what about gweilos who think they are Asian?

[Filipa]

Great article!

[Santox]

Someone once said The West is West and the East is East, and never will the twain meet.

However, Post-Modern Asians are now enjoying the fusion life of Western modernity infused with aged-old Eastern flavours.

The day will come when Asians drink Chinese tea on the moon and eat Chapatti on the way to Mars.

[Karuna]

25. A bird falls dead from a tree. The place is evacuated. Government sends investigators wearing astronaut outfits.

[Sara]

26. You are used to turning on the television and seeing that the first five news items are boring reports about government officials making speeches

[Vince A]

Some post-modern Asians live in the West. They also haven't fully made the jump. Some signs that your friend is one of them:

He got kicked out of his Hell's Angels gang because he
just couldn't stop playing Cantonese Opera on his Harley-Davidson motorbike.

She is a graduate of the prestigious French Culinary Institute but she always serves steak the way it should be: Medium rare, chopped up, with a hot bowl of rice, and chilli soy sauce on the side.

He is an NYPD cop. His colleagues never send him to buy the doughnuts because he always come back with a bag of yau cha gwai (Chinese stick oil doughnut)

She travels business class but her luggage is always packed in Chinese red-white-and blue plastic straw sack bags because they only weigh 2 grams each, allowing her to check in so much more stuff.

[Ricardo]

Number five is true anywhere if you live in an apartment. It's why I live in one in Asia and have done in Europe and America. In an apartment it's way uncool to hassle the neighbours, unlike houses where everyone seems to feel they have to immediately go and bother anyone who moves into the block.

[Angela]

27. You call all elderly people auntie and uncle.

28. Eating fish and/or soup for breakfast is normal.

29. You go to fancy hotel buffet and get stuck in the seafoods section sucking prawn heads.

30. You secretly like to eat with your hands and put one foot up on the seat.

[sheilajade]

I can't live a day without Rice and i also think that my pupils are dark brown...

[Vince A]

Angela, that is so spot on.

[Angela]

Vince A, here's one for 'You are Post-modern asians living in the west'

- your neighbor/s called the police on you for cooking smelly fish/food and for singing karaoke til late night.

-...

[Cady]

31. You can squat without falling over.

[Karuna]

hahaha..
Question - Did westerner's miss the squating stage during evolution ?

[fardel]

No

They did not , but most did.
Like any perilous activity , it takes muscles and practice to complete this exercise;
Those of us , raised in poor countries have developed this daily skills through natural practice ( sorry I cannot be more specific here; you got the picture )and can technically still do it,unless the blubber on the belly does not allow he upper part of the body to reach the center of gravity.
In this case the westerner individual rolls over and over, out of balance. The Asians who got the picture roll over too, laughing.
Caution; PRACTICING THIS EXERCISE ON A UNLEVELLED FLOOR, CAN BE DANGEROUS and would turn you into a roller coaster.

[Dancer]

32. You get complained from neighbours below your apartment for practicing too hard on the dancing mat, plugged either into a Wii or Playstation.

[Shaik Anwar Ahamath]

My neighbours, the Kapoors say their name is pronounced Cooper and their lodger Abubakr promptly became A.Baker. I don't mind but they find it difficult to pronounce my name.

[tammy]

If you haven't eaten rice at least once a day, you feel hungry.

-- True

[Shibuya]

hahaha great article!

[Fianne]

dang it! i only got 7 out of 24! better learn how to do my culture properly, i think i'll have to learn chinese kung fu in my spare time to make up for my lack of asian-ness

[Izzy]

Guilty.

By the way, I've just discovered this blog; I'm in love.

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