Why Asians can’t take booze

Shocking news for drinkers in a US scientific journal

Woke with a headache yesterday.

I think I must be severely allergic to alcohol. After just two bottles of wine, I get red-faced, dizzy, I slur my words, and find myself attracted to anything wearing a skirt, including items of furniture.

I called a doctor friend and explained my symptoms.

She listened patiently. "You lose control of yourself after two bottles of wine? That's not an allergy, technically speaking," she said. "We have a special medical term for people like you. We call them 'drunken idiots'."

I thought about this. "I see. Can I get time off work for it?"

I could hear her shaking her head down the phone (her earrings tinkle). "No way. Otherwise government offices in Japan and Russia would be deserted all year round, for a start."
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The booze industry in Asia is in a state of horror over last week's announcement, in a US scientific journal, that 36 per cent of people in the region may be dangerously unable to process alcohol.

The sign is "flushed face" syndrome. This does not mean that you try to flush your head down the toilet, although I have had several hard-drinking friends who have attempted that (and found it surprisingly refreshing). What it means is that if your face goes red after a few glasses of alcohol, you should stop drinking.

This is going to cause massive problems, I tell you, particularly in Japan, South Korea and mainland China, where two days of drinking and nightclubbing constitute the major negotiations for every business deal. The first deal I attended with Japanese buyers went like this.

Me: "Good morning, Kitaro-san. I am delighted that you have come to sign this important contract which will cause both our businesses to flourish for millennia to come."

Mr Kitaro: "Good morning, Vittachi-san. Where is the glass?"

Me: "Do you mean, where is the pen?"

Mr Kitaro: "No. Where is the glass? For the cognac?"

Me: "Ah, I see. I thought we would celebrate the signing of the contract AFTER we sign it."

At this point, the entire Japanese delegation burst out laughing, convinced that I have made the funniest joke they had heard in years.

After they composed themselves, they repeated the question. I ushered them to the nearest nightclub and ordered them a bottle of cognac. Each.

I thought: Hey. These guys are going to be so sozzled that they will have no idea what they are signing. We can TOTALLY take advantage of this situation.

But unfortunately, it does not work like that. Both sides are required to drink exactly the same amount of alcohol, as a sort of bonding ritual.

Once, when I was in China, my hosts were serving Moutai, which is alcoholic cough medicine made from fermented garbage, so I tried to make excuses. I said: "Sadly, I cannot join you in a drink, as I am a life-long teetotaler, and my religion specifies that I will burn in hell for all eternity if one drop of alcohol made from fermented garbage passes my lips."

My hosts laughed uproariously and gave me an extra portion to thank me for my joke.

Afterwards I put my head in the toilet and pulled the flush handle.

You know what? It IS surprisingly refreshing.

Comments

[Mahesh Rajasuriya]

Hilarious, as always. Good piece of work, Vittachi.

Let me bring your attention to another point. I just happened to look at my emotions while I was reading this article. I was feeling, kind of funny and good. By the time I reached the end of the article, I felt that my attitude towards alcohol has become slightly more positive. Kind of wanting to taste some cognac!

Now this is dangerous. It is clearly shown in scientific literature that if you change the attitude in people, especially young people, towards a more positive one, towards alcohol they are more likely to consume alcohol and to have problems related to alcohol including dependence and liver disease.

So in other words are you responsible for some future deaths and loss of happiness? I don't know.

May be you should give some more thought to what you're writing next time.

Good luck.

[Santox]

Highly spirited and intoxicating piece of writing!

Come to think about it, no religion promotes the intake of strong drinks. But even a holy book I knew of that told a parable of turning water into wine, which if taken in small portions is good for the stomach. I suppose if more of the spirit of divinity is consumed less or even none of those of the man-made type will be preferred.

[naperville mom]

Sadly, I cannot join you in a drink, as I am a life-long teetotaler, and my religion specifies that I will burn in hell for all eternity if one drop of alcohol made from fermented garbage passes my lips.

That got me splitting:) 'Flushed face' syndrome seems dizzy-ingly addictive!

[Vince A]

That US scientific journal article...the authors betray either a lack of familiarity with Asia, or too much familiarity with alcohol -- 36 percent of people in this region are below 6 years old (and probably lactose intolerant as well).

[Rika]

Couldn't resist to Google 'Flushed Face Syndrome'. I can't believe there are people out there discussing in a forum on 'How to effectively increase alcohol tollerance and reduce flushing'

Don't drink, silly cow... or flush your head down the toilet!

As usual Nury hit the nail right on the head!

[Non drinker]

It's funny how a scientific report that said that red wine, in limited quantities MAY have beneficial effects on health, has been turned into a general belief that alcohol is good for you. In 99 per cent of cases, it is bad for you. It is actually a type of poison.
The Asian intolerance to alcohol, if publicized properly, may turn out to be a blessing in disguising, stopping people from imbibing poisons.
If you want to look at the effect it has on people, think about why you cannot go out at night in many Uk cities (same for parts of Australia too).

[Angela]

Beer has food value. Does food have beer value?

[Chamin]

Too bad that we dark skinners don't show the red. I guess this is one reason that Sri Lankans (I am one of them, though a teetotaler) recorded the highest individual alcohol consumption for many years.