The world's least accurate holiday brochures

Holidays to remember always start by disregarding everything it says on the brochure

*

Large numbers of people are starting to book their summer holidays, I heard from a reader in the travel business.

                It's really true. The guy behind me in the coffee shop queue was looking at brochures.

    "Look at this one," he said to the woman next to him, who may have been his wife, girlfriend, sister, daughter, mother or granny (she was wearing one of those over-sized sun visors that sloped so far over her face that she could have used it as a protective mask for arc-welding, and probably did). "The hotel is 'tranquil and secluded, yet close to the beach'," he read out loud.

                I felt so sorry for him. How could he have passed puberty without realizing brochures are a particularly imaginative genre of romantic fiction?

 *
I'll never forget one I received about Sri Lanka. I love that country and visit every chance I get. But I had to roll my eyes to see a brochure which described it as a paradise in which "different ethnic groups live in total peace and harmony". Now who could have written that with a straight face?

*
Holiday brochure writers are a breed unto themselves. Even the occasional truthful ones are odd. A brochure I saw for the Royal Dokmaideng Hotel in Vientiane, Laos, boasted about the large number of karaoke machines on the premises. "Yell your joyfulness. Seek the spiritual communication," it said.

                I remember a brochure for a hotel in Singapore which told folk that it had a karaoke machine in every room. That must have been a peaceful place at 11 pm on a Friday night.

Karaoke kills. I once watched a man sing Unchained Melody in a hotel in Hong Kong. We held our breath as he strained for the high note close to the end of the song: "Are you still mine? I NEEEEEEEEEED your love."

He finished.

He smiled.

He dropped dead.

Or to put it another way, he yelled his joyfulness and found spiritual communication.

*
Tourists heading into Xinjiang, China, are given a brochure which says there are two bodies of water in the world containing aquatic monsters.  "One is the Nice Lake in Britain and the other is the beautiful Kanas Lake," it says.

                The people most intrigued by this statement are visitors from Britain: this is news to them. Where is "Nice Lake"?  Answer: Xinjiang tourism authorities came across the name "Loch Ness", "corrected" the spelling to "Lake Nice" and "fixed" the word-order to Nice Lake.

*
Here's a handy guide on how to translate terms on holiday brochures.

                "Tranquil" = Boring.

                "Unspoiled" = Dense, mosquito-ridden jungle.

                "Bijou" = Tiny rooms.

                "Cosy" = even tinier rooms.

                "Popular" = Deserted.

                "Deserted" = Popular.

                "Classic decor" = We haven't redecorated since 1974.

                "Old World Charm" = We haven't decorated since 1934.

                "Colonial" = We haven't decorated since 1834.

                "Secluded" = Miles from anything interesting.

                "Beach nearby" = Beach only an hour's flight away.  

                "Garden view" = dumpster view.

*
One day, some hotelier will write the first intelligent, honest brochure. It will say: "Our hotel is wildly expensive, but at least pretty much everything works."

              That one I would trust.

              Pity I'd never be able to afford it.

Comments

[zÆRo]

Mr.V, you forgot about the clubs in South Asia that claim they have 'beautiful women'. Which most are neither beautiful nor women.

Yay, First Post!

[Bala]

I once fell for "open view" the only thing open was the neighbour's window

[fardel]

Was she pretty?

[fardel]

Just received this tourism advertising from a well known and supposedly reputed serious website
: our island nation is an emerging medical club with sophisticated facilities and world class medical professionals...
In other words
Hey ,old man come here,we shall practice research on you, cutting you to pieces ,keeping you in a jar , for our emerging nation to see what Neanderthal was looking like

[angela]

A beach resort in Bintan, Indonesia boasted of idyllic view from the room and various water sports activities. After about 1 hr drive from the ferry terminal (which I did not recall reading about in the brochure - shoulda said "away from the hustle and bustle of the city"), we arrived to witness boats stranded due to low tide and you walk about a kilometer out into the sea to swim. And the view actually shows the pool and restaurant on one side and neighbor's window on the other side.

The brochure did not mention anything about making spiritual connection but I became very religious during my stay in the island, constantly praying that I don't catch malaria or dengue from the mosquitoes. Mosquito repellent lotion is provided in the toiletries and the brochure highlighted weekly defogging schedule.

[fardel]

Friendly island:we take you money with a smile
The island of so many rivers: you need to take a ferry every 100 yards
Rainbow city :rains everyday; all day ,with a little sunshine to color it
Golden Rock : forget the gold , only the rock can be seen
Esmerald Isle; Not what you think

[Santox]

Dear Nury,
Reminiscent of its colonial days, KL does have a few of those 'colonial, old-world charm and classic decor' that you mentioned. However, conservationists and city dwellers have got them colured up into quiant 'little boxes' of shocking pink, green, blue , red, and whatever colours you can think off- supposedly to attract the tourists and to reflect the past- What a colourful past!

[Nury]

Malaysia is actually a fantastic holiday destination -- it's got nice people, classic buildings, lovely beaches, gorgeous countryside, brilliant food. The only thing that worries me is the authorities; the press doesn't feel very free, the government is unstable, and all this stuff about one of the top govt officials having a mistress and then someone vaporizing her corpse with explosives: well, it doesn't give an impression of a place where everyone in power is squeaky clean somehow!

[Santox]

Dear Nury,
Your worries are in tendem with a lot of people in and outside this country. As the world watches, we also watch and see.

[angela]

Holiday brochure writers mastered in Literary Doublespeak. A course in which, among others, you learn the Orwellian Newspeak.

[TS]

Hong Kong 2005, Nice View:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/siefert/3261972150/in/set-72157613505133180?edited=1

[Nury]

That's a great shot, TS, that photo is SO Hong Kong. The contrast between the elegant interior and the grimy exterior tells the whole story.

[mozgplafon]

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