Downturn humor

In a huge crash, you have to laugh or you’ll cry, reporter Nury Vittachi discovers

It’s the weirdest thing. Your columnist has been surprised to receive loads of invitations to be keynote speaker at financial gatherings. I’m off to another one today, this time in Macau.

I said to one organizer: "I would have thought this is not a funny time in your industry."

He replied: "Exactly. Which is why we need a humorist."

I could see the logic of this. But I was worried some of the jokes may be too accurate to be funny.

But on each occasion so far, I’ve found the truest lines produced the loudest laughs.

1.

Question: "You used to work for Lehman Brothers? How do you make a living now?"

Answer: "I sell used furniture. My own."

2.

A sacked AIG financial executive gets into a taxi. "Take me to the bankruptcy court," he says.

Twenty minutes later they arrive.

The taxi driver asks for his money.

The AIG guy replies: "Well, I guess you'd better come in, too."

3.

An unemployed salesman of mini-bonds goes to the doctor.

The doctor says: "It's bad news. You have only three weeks to live."

The salesman replies: "On what?"

4.

Question: "What kind of calendar does a jobless investment expert use for his consultancy projects these days?"

Answer: "Decade-At-A-Glance."

5.

A tycoon is being chauffeured along a road when he sees two poor men eating grass. He stops the car.

One of the men says: "We can't afford food. I used to work for Bear Sterns, so now I'm broke."

The rich man says: "Shocking. Come with me. I’ll help you out."

The poor man says: "But I have a wife and two children. All of us are living on grass."

And the other poor man adds: "I was a subprime mortgage salesman. I have a wife and SIX children."

The tycoon says: "Bring every one of them. You are all coming to my mansion in the countryside."

The two men bow tearfully. "God bless you for your generous heart," one says.

The rich man says: "Oh, it's no problem. My lawnmower is broken. The grass must be a metre high."

6.

Question: "What do you say to a junior investment banker with a steady job?" Answer: "Two Big Macs with large fries, please."

7.

In the economic downturn, an Asian finance company is swamped with defaulters. A new loans officer goes to speak to the biggest non-payer.

He comes back one hour later with the cash recovered in full. "How did you do it?" the manager asks.

The loan officer replies: "I told him that if he didn’t pay us, I'd tell all his other creditors that he has."

8.

As the investment markets crash, one start-up gets a stream of venture capital cash investments. A reporter goes to ask the company's finance officer what their secret is.

He replies: "It's easy. We never borrow money from optimists. They expect it back."

9.

Question: "What's the difference between a banker and a large pizza?"

Answer: "The pizza can feed a family of four."

10.

A woman tries to pay a personal bill with an AIG redundancy cheque.

The recipient says: "It needs to have a personal endorsement on the back."

She comes back one minute later, having written on the back of the cheque: "I use Femina hygiene products every day."

Comments

[Chamin]

This is fishy. When you go for the next talk, can you ask them how they are planning to use your keynote to rob more money from the poor and the taxpayers?

[Santox]

Dear Nury,
Perhaps, you could go to the next talk in a Robin Hood outfit and give them a lecture on taking from the rich and giving to the poor. The banker still greeds to be rich. He should a big pizza on his face.

[Santox]

Oops!
Yes, indeed, he should have a big pizza on his face.

[Billy]

The english joke is very funny. The most special is the fifth one .

[fardel]

The United Nations started a Global investigation:
The main question was:
Please, can you give your opinion of the shortage of food in the rest of the world?
It was a total failure:
In Africa nobody knew what was food
In Western Europe, nobody ever heard about the word shortage.
In Eastern Europe , nobody knew the meaning of "opinion"
In South America, nobody knew the meaning of "Please"
The investigation did not cross the chinese border
In the USA nobody knew what the rest of the world was