Bra saves woman’s life

We should all be educated in how to give wedgies, reports Nury Vittachi

I have had underpants on my mind A LOT lately (not literally).

Why? Because there have been so many knickers-related incidents in the news.

A few days ago, a male thief was caught by young woman using the "wedgie" technique. The villain was running away from the scene of a crime when technician Yvonne Morris reached into the back of his trousers, grabbed the upper part of his underwear and pulled as hard as she could.

Ow! He fell to the ground, incapacitated, and she held him until police arrived.

I heard about this story, which happened in Salt Lake City in the US, from reader Wendy Tong. She commented: "Why do we spend years teaching schoolgirls useless things like maths and English, when we could teach them practical, useful stuff like how to give a man a wedgie?"

Good point, Wendy. I hope various ministers of education read this and make changes accordingly.
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Underpants are wonderful things. Did you read about the family home in the UK which was saved from burning down thanks to a large pair of knickers?

A pan of oil caught fire because the men of the house were unwisely trying to cook. They threw water at it, which just made it burn more fiercely. One young man was inspired to leap to the washing pile and grab his aunt's extra-large Marks and Spencer knickers. He threw them on the fire, which immediately went out.
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Pants are useful in Asia too. I remember an incident in West Bengal, India, in which a young man called Nimai Das noticed that part of the railway track had been stolen on the route between Rampurhat and Burdwan. Seeing a train approaching, he whipped off his bright red underpants and waved them in the air. The driver's eye was caught by the crimson flash ahead of him. He managed to stop the train just ahead of the missing tracks.

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In Japan, a company invented undershirts and knickers that automatically dispense Vitamin C to wearers. Items from Fuji Spinning Co Ltd are made of fibers impregnated with as much Vitamin C as contained in two lemons. The vitamin-dispensing power fades only after 30 washings. I guess this gives weirdos who steal underwear a new excuse they can use: "I only stole her knickers for medicinal reasons."

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But not everyone is enthusiastic about modern undies. Jungle tribespeople from Papua New Guinea have taken to wearing bras and pants under their skimpy garments of leaves. Dignitaries have been irritated by participants turning up for traditionally bare-breasted dances wearing the latest lacy production from Triumph or Playtex or Wacoal. Some also have stomach-flattening panties under their straw skirts.

“Take off the bras and underwears because they are not recognized in Papua New Guuinea traditional culture,” cultural festival organizer Mewie Launa ordered participants. He feels covering up is wrong. “Our parents never did that,” he grumbled to reporters.

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He doesn’t seem to appreciate undies. Someone ought to introduce him to Helen Kelly, 24, a UK accountant who accidentally got caught in a gang shootout in London. A bullet headed straight for her heart, but was deflected by the steel underwiring in her bra. Her underwear saved her life.

And if she had been properly educated, she could have given the gunman a wedgie.

Comments

[angela]

I finally figured out what set off the metal detector yesterday when I walked through it. The officer was puzzled coz I was in a plain cotton dress, no (chastity) belt, no jewelries, no keys or coins in my pocket. Must have been the triumph underwires :)

Do you know that the radiologist always ask female patient to take off her bra coz the underwires will show up as extra ribs on the x-ray film :)

[Tokyo Joe]

Plain cotton dress with no chastity belt? You sound like my kind of girl, Angela.

[Vaishnavi]

Hey Nury,
Could you please make fun of US critics?
They sound like idiots to me....

[Nury]

Hi, Vaishnavi, can you tell me more about what you mean? Do you mean literary critics or movie critics or commentators? It would be great if you could give us some examples. Thanks so much.

[fardel]

I was wondering why westerners were going to Asia for Sex tourism;
Ha !! The excitment of turning the key of a chastity belt !!!

[angela]

Yes Mr. Fardel, for some of us it creaks with rust and disuse...adding to the drama :) LOL...

[angela]

...wait! I am talking about the belt...or am I?

[Nury]

All my parts creak with rust and disuse...

[Bala]

Hey Nury,

Your example of Nimai Das and his superman accessory is a metaphor for the political state in WB or? did it really happen.
Both are believable when it comes to WB

[Uli Dernbach-Steffl, Germany]

I'll teach my little girl about wedgies before she'll go to school, this is a promise! ;-)))

[Mira]

Was there really a thing called chastity belt?

[Lisa]

Yes there is, Mira. In fact, my husband has suddenly decided to buy one. I think it has something to do with me telling him that the doctor is now 100% sure that the baby we're expecting is a girl.
He's also applied for a shotgun licence and plans to buy a porch (even though we live in a flat).

[Rave Coeman]

Never stop dude!!
keep on posting articles like beaten into shape or Asian wedding reality i loves those two the most..
One more thing:::
YOU ROCK!!!!!!!!

[Chris Rajapakse]

Hey Nuri
Do you have any jokes about yourself?

[costaricainvestment]

The lingerie is sexy, especially to attract men by their

delicacy and the variety of styles, colors and beautiful

scenery.

[fardel]

The lack of lingerie is even more attractive.

[mike]

I always found that hint, suggestion, tease and anticpation to be the biggest turn on. If we walked around naked there would be no forbidden fruit to try and pluck.

[Mahjuja]

Isn't that the argument for nude beaches and communal baths?

[mike]

Have you ever been to a nude beach?

They are populated by past their prime plantains and other over-ripe low hanging fruit.

The sweetest fruit is the ones you have to work for, that others can not reach.

[fardel]

I worked at a nudist beach.
there is nothing to be attracted to.
Whatever is there, and might have been be attractive, is hidden behind a skin which stretches to the knees , sometimes lower, so low that one wonders how hey can walk without stepping on their b........, their b........ or their b..............

[Bi Sadong]

I love to be naked.

[Markin Ambuh]

I love walking along the beach while naked.