Most pointless records

 By Nury Vittachi
Watch out! A massive great wave of pointlessness is sweeping the world. People are spending tons of time doing completely meaningless things. It’s a tsunami of silliness. I'm not joking. Get this. A Sri Lankan man just broke the world record for sitting on a sofa and watching TV.                

He sat in front of the idiot box for 72 hours. "I feel fine; I drank between 25 and 30 cups of coffee," Suresh Joachim said.

                 Suresh already has several world records. He stood on an escalator for five days, travelling 225 kilometers without going anywhere. He holds a record for crawling 56 kilometers. (Why does this remind me of "staff appraisal week" in my office?)

                 He once rocked on a rocking chair for 75 hours. And he ironed 639 garments in a 55-hour stretch to set a world record. (My domestic helper could give him a run for his money.)

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In China, a man named Lui Mei last week demonstrated how he could walk in the world's most uncomfortable shoes: lead boots weighing 290 kilos. He trained for four years to set that record.

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Then there were the women in Cyprus who formed the world's longest chain of bras. Listen, Cypriot ladies, you may think that bras are feminine objects of great interest to males, but I have news for you. This is only true if they contain their normal contents.  

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Then there was one Ashrita Furman who got himself listed in the Guinness Book of Records for rolling an orange with his nose for one mile (1.6 km) at JFK airport in New York. The same guy "tiddled" a tiddlywink for the same distance at Kuala Lumpur International Airport.

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 Some of the record holders are not even human! Albert Einstein, a three-year-old goldfish, is listed for being the fish with the largest repertoire of tricks. He can do six things, including playing football and performing the limbo.

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 Now is it just me, or has the whole idea of "world records" becoming ridiculous? I mean, the silliest category of records is one of the most celebrated: the money ones. The highest price for a pair of jeans is US$60,000 paid by some Japanese guy, the priciest tea was a rare Chinese green tea costing US$12 a cup, and so on. These records demonstrate nothing except that people are stupid with their money. Why should we celebrate that?

 No, we should either ban ALL world records or limit them to people doing worthwhile things.

 But who am I fooling? There's no way the group of gibbering lunatics known as the human race is ever going to limit itself to intelligent activities.

 In which, case I shall follow the "if you can’t beat them, join them" school of thought. I hereby declare that the following world records have not yet been set, and I invite readers to claim these titles or stand back while I grab some myself.

 1) Most obviously crooked business person to make a billion dollars.

 2) Biggest moustache on a female.

 3) Spottiest bottom in the world.

 4) Largest number of uses of the word "tiddlywink" in a newspaper column.

5) Stupidest individual to become a national leader.

6) Smelliest sock.

                Guess which of the above records this columnist is about to claim? Tiddlywink, tiddlywink, tiddlywink.

Comments

[NF]

Dear Vittachi,

While I agree with the general gist of your column on pointless world records, I think you should at least excercise a little prudence before you write by finding out what drives these people to do these things (as pointless as they may seem to you).

Let Joachim's website do the talking as to why he chooses to do what he does:

http://www.sureshjoachim.org/

Better a person try and do what he can in such situations, however pointless it may seem to 'opinionated' others, than do nothing.

[Nury]

Thanks for the comments, NF. Always nice to get feedback.

But your suggestion that I didn't do the research is wrong. I did. Yes, I know Suresh gives money to charity, as loads of these people do. It doesn't change the key point. We all have choices: we can do something worthwhile or we can do something pointless.

The trouble with meaningless records is that they lead to more meaningless records, things like "spottiest bottom in the world".

It's only a matter of time before someone goes for that one!

[Priyantha Liyanage]

I agree with Nury. It is a rare chance to be born as a Human.[Look at all other species around us.] To be born as a human who can see, listen, walk, read, understand is even more rare. We are the only species who can evaluate facts and decide on what is right or wrong. Only humans can make a vast change to the world and rest of the humanity. After being blessed with this unique ability what to most people do? They either eat,drink,work to make a living, rear children, watch TV and die or they do these silliest things on earth!
How many of us do something useful for the world in this 60-70 short span of our life? In 30's, 40's & 50" scientists committed their entire life to discover new things and so many inventions were made. Have we finished with the inventions? We don't hear of them any more? At least Nury writes his pieces and make the rest of us laugh. Laughing at oneself is the best medicine!
Nury hit nail on the head when he said "World stupidity index is soaring" .

[Roger Butt]

How dare you suggest that "spottiest bottom in the world" is a pointless title.

I will have you know that I have spent many years eating greasy foods and avoiding exercise in order to accumulate a large number of pimples and protrusions on my butt.

I am planning to submit photos to the Guinness Book of Records very soon and hope that, despite your scorn, my record will be honored.

[Kim]

Dear Mister Jam,
I was very interested to read your column in the newspapers today.
Especially the bit that says you are inviting people to claim the title "stupidest individual to become national leader"
Now that Mr Bush is retired, I am wondering if i have a chance to win this title. Please send me the entry form.

[Blackbeard]

Hi Nury.

You should come to Malaysia. We have our own Malaysian Book of Records which contains significant achievements such as 'Longest Row of Satay Grilled' and 'Longest Jalur Gemilang (the flag) on the Great Wall of China'.

[Louise]

Hi there,

I have no idea who you are and why you think you had to say something about the record for the longest bra chain in the world.

You might find it a stupid record and look down on the women of Cyprus. However, this record was done IN AID OF BREAST CANCER AWARENESS.

If you feel breast cancer is a stupid thing, ok, but I think your comment about this record is STUPID.

Louise - one of the organisers
CYPRUS

[lurker_31]

If I may add my humble thoughts on what is becoming an interesting debate.

First NF and Louise you guys should lighten up. a) Nury is a humorist and makes a zillion people laugh each day. cut him some slack.
b) louise, suggesting that the article above is an attack on breast cancer is incredibly unfair, you must be able to see that
c) probably the majority of people who organize odd events such as "spottiest bum" do it for charity. That does not mean they are automatically exempt from any of the rest of us saying that "spottiest bum" is a silly world record in comparison to say highest high jump.
d)Some records, such as olympic ones, advance the achievements of humanity. some records, such as watching "regis" on TV for three days, LOWER the achievements of humanity.
that's a reasonable thing to say. why are we not allow to have an opinion on that?
anyway my basic message is lighten up

[Nury]

Thanks, Priyantha and Lurker for your spirited defence of free speech.

But the more I come to think of it, the more I think that Louise's idea is actually rather fun. There's something undeniably appealling about the cheekiness of the entire female populace of a place removing that garment and turning the lot into a sort of banner. (I wish the women around here would do the same.) Anyway, well done, Louise and gang, having a laugh and raising funds for a good cause are both excellent goals.

Thinks: hmm, wonder what would happen if me and all my mates took off our baggy gray underpants and made a long line of them to display in public?

Somehow it just doesn't have the same appeal.

[Rika]

I think the records have to become more and more silly because it's hard to find something new that is not silly. And only for new stuff people are willing to give you their sponsorship money. Thanks to media coverage everybody knows everything from the whole world and people are spoilt. My next challenge will be lifting pennies (http://incredibleladies.com/Charity/RfL-2009/Race_For_Life-2009-Diary.html#Pennies) won't be a world record and is rather pointless too, and it so gonna hurt - any better ideas, let me know and I'll give it a go. Don't think I will get money for smelly socks, though!

[Louise]

Thanks, I do see the humor of it, but just wanted to mention that it was done for breast cancer, the message would have been more accurate with mentioning the reason why. So, no problem at all. Have a great day!
Kind Regards from Cyprus

[George W Bush]

Sorry, Mr Kim, but the title of "stupidest person to become a national leader" belongs to me. Just because ah have retired does not mean that ah lose my claim on the record. Ah fought hard to win that title and no one is gonna to take it away from me. I am very proud of what I achieved despite the size of my brian.

[Nury]

what size is your brian, Mr Bush?
It is time the world knew the truth.

[Mrs Flea]

Hey guys
I hope that none of you is going to insult me and my family by comparing my brain size with GWB' brian.
His brain is smaller than ours, way smaller

[Dan]

Well Nury, what do you expect. The whole idea of making and breaking records should sound like something that comes from too many rounds at the local pub.

The whole Guinness Book of World Records started when a pub owner who sold exclusively -- wait for it -- Guinness beer started accumulating data so that his patrons would stop fighting each other and destroying the furniture over who had the most goals or who is the tallest man, etc.

[Santox]

Nury, I agree with NF that there must be something that drives people into these pointless activities.

I am quite aware of the seriousness of breast cancer. My sister-in-law is undergoing treatment on this illness. But people here, are not into forming the longest chain of bra,( which is, I think an eye-catching awareness promotion) but rather go for normal awareness campaigns in the media.

Having said and done, people will still express themselves in many different ways into the superlatives.

[Nury]

I think Rika has got it right. You need to do something a bit zany to get people's attention.

I had a look at her collecting pennies entries on her site (great site, by the way) and I think it is a smart idea. We all have piles of unused pennies or cents lying around, and it is a blessing to find a good use for it.

I'd send you all my pennies, except they are in Chinese currency and the postage would be more than they are worth.

But going back to the zaniness angle. I think Louise's scheme of bra-removal-and-display is a good one, because there's something a bit cheeky about it.

But some of Suresh's records (ironing for hours, standing on an escalator for ever etc) -- they just lack excitement. Too much like real life!

[Jack]

What about that person who watched over Suresh Joachim for 72 hours straight to make sure Suresh watched TV for 72 hours?

Surely he must have broken a new record as well. Something like: the person who watched a person watch TV the longest time the longest time.

[Kim Jong-Il]

I demand you give me the title of "stupidest person to become national leader"

Not only am I extremely stupid, but I have a spotty bottom too.

[Cookie]

I think i can set aworld record for laughing at everything!

[jalonda]

i think that these recordes are all stupid no wonder they are called worlds pointless recoreds. i mean can you blam me for having that thought. if i were to make a recored it would be a recored that people would actually be intersted in. who ever else a pointless world recored is lame and should do a real recored

[Careena Lyn]

i say obama is the STUPIDEST individual to become a national leader. without a single doubt in my mind.

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[grandpa aka Faye Libad]

In which category do we put this one?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wfmLrsxkAs

[Protestant Lawyers NY]

I recommended it on stumbleupon. The only thing that it’s missing is a bit of new design.

[grandpa]

found in the local newspaper:
A guy ( I forgot his name, but who cares) arrives at he gate of paradise;Heres is st Pierre sitting in front of a shelf where stand a lot of clocks.
curious , the guys asks:
St Pierre ? what are those clocks?

Each clocks represent a leader in the world. Each time they say something stupid, the clock moves forward, one hour.

Why I do not see George w Bush?
Ho , this one is at my personal desk,
I use it as a fan.