Valentine and the pink knicks

By Nury Vittachi

I was extremely surprised to receive several requests to send my pinkest panties to an address in south India.

Excuse me!

Do I look like someone who wears pink female underwear?

(Don't answer that.)

The mystery was solved when I realized I'd been caught up in a campaign by people belonging to a new Asian women's group called "The Consortium of Pub-Going, Loose and Forward Women". That’s is not a joke. That's what it is called.

It's hard to think of a more attractive-sounding organization to join, but sadly I'm not eligible, not being a woman, loose or otherwise.

I thought about setting up "The Consortium of Pub-Going, Loose and Forward Men", but since that would include almost every male I'd ever met, it would lack the exclusivity factor.
*
Here's the story. Religious police can be heavy handed in several parts of Asia, including Malaysia and Brunei, but the main battlefront this year is India.

Nasty groups of Hindu extremists have been attacking pairs of friends in major cities in that country. One of them, Satish Mann, told reporters: “Our culture is the greatest and we can't allow youngsters to ape the West and indulge in indecent acts like dating.”

The attackers were particularly incensed that Asians now celebrate Valentine's Day.

The consortium of loose women is fighting back by encouraging people to post pink knickers to extremists as a sign of protest. I learned this from reader Vic Krishnan of Hong Kong. (Hey, Vic, I support this, but I'm keeping it carefully hidden from my wife. Do you have any idea how much Marks and Spencer knicks cost?)

*
The really weird thing about all this is that the extremists have totally misunderstood Valentine's Day. Here's the TRUE story of St Valentine, or at least one which is as accurate as it can be considering that it concerns events that took place 1700 years ago.

Once upon a time there was a guy called Emperor Claudius Gothicus. Now consider the Asian theory that your name governs your fortune. With a name like that, the poor guy couldn't really have been anything but an evil tyrant despot, could he? Can you imagine him with a name card saying "Emperor Claudius Gothicus, Florist" or "Emperor Claudius Gothicus, Kindergarten Teacher"?

Anyway, Emperor Claudius Gothicus thought up a cunning plan to halt a small sect called Christianity growing in his empire. He made it illegal for anyone to conduct wedding ceremonies for Christians. The plan was brilliant. Since Christians refused to have sex outside marriage, his law meant the entire religion would die out in a single generation.

But Gothicus's plan came undone because a man named Valentine broke the law to perform marriage services for all the desperate loving couples waiting to get married. The religion survived.

So you see, the message of the story is really about doing the whole love and sex thing in the usual order: 1) love, 2) marriage, 3) sex, 4) babies.

This is the same order that Hindu extremists favor. The only difference is that the extremists tend to devalue the first part, which is love. They don't realize that if you get the first bit right, the others work better.

In the meantime, if any extremists receive M and S undies they don't need, just forward them to me.

Comments

[Sorry i wont tell]

Hello
Sorry i wont tell my name.
This message is for Mr.Vittachi only please don't be mean by not tell him.
Ok i start complaining now
First you do not know nothing than making fun of other countries.
Second you have no respect for your own country or the others.
Making fun of others is easy wait till someone makes fun of you and then you will know what i mean.
Now you will not understand what i am saying you will soon know.
You are going to have many problems!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hahahah
(I have no hard feeling and no offense but it is the TRUTH.)

[Lesley_Y]

Dear Sir I am a pub-going woman but I am not loose. Is this a problem. Can I still join? The whole thing sounds really interesting but its just the "loose" thing that puts me off. Many thanks

[Emperor Claudius Gothicus]

Thank you so much for telling my side of the story.

The truth is that I never intended to be an evil tyrant despot.

I wanted to be a florist. But if you have a name like mine, Emperor Claudius Gothicus, you simply can't get into floristry school.

All the other students have names like Petal and Lavender! And they were all winsome females. I stood out like a sore thumb. just because I was a six-foot giant with an axe dripping with blood.

Anyway, I tried several other professions, including nursery nurse, but was always rejected.

So I eventually bowed to fate and become a killer dictator. I was pretty good at it and would have wiped out an entire world religion had I not been tripped up by that conservative troublemaker Valentine.

The worst thing is that we emperors were always announced as "he whose name will live forever".

Yet does anyone remember me? No one except a few dusty historians such as you.

And EVERYONE remembers Valentine. Life is so unfair!

[Nury]

Dear Lesley, I think the "forward" and "loose" women thing is meant ironically. What I mean is that these sort of extremists believe that any woman who wants to go and have a drink in a coffee shop or restaurant with friends is too "loose and forward". So the members of the group are not really saying that they are loose. They are just trying to defuse the accusation by appropriating it for themselves. That's often the best way to deal with this sort of attack.

And thanks for your note, Emp. (Or may I call you Goth?) Anyway, the whole Gothic thing is back in fashion so that must be nice for you.

[Lurker_31]

The true story of St Valentine is actually quite interesting, surprising more people don't know about it

[Mouning Mucus]

@ sorry

It was really brave of you to post an anonymous threat.

If can't stand a little sarcasm, what were you doing here in the first place?

jeez, go back to your cave.

[Mouning Mucus]

* If you can't....

typo :S

[yuu]

This post is interesting.. but the first comment is even more interesting. (?)

Anyway..
Your posts are always fun to read. Humour has become increasingly useful recently, so I'm glad I have someone to count on for a dose of daily laughter.

[lost weight]

Dear Mister Jam, I am very interested in the loose women group and the pink knickers campaign.
I am not a loose woman and I do not have pink panties.
However, I do have loose panties. Am I eligible to join?

[Balaji Perumal]

Hello,

Nice article, although people didnt get the sarcasm in the name of the womens' group and in your article.This happened in Mangalore, and now is spreading to Bangalore too. I guess its ironic that bangalore is called Pub city.