The world nearly ended

By Nury Vittachi

Did you know the world nearly ended last week? Two submarines carrying nuclear bombs crashed into each other.

 

Luckily, the bombs didn’t go off. Had they exploded, there was a good chance they would have triggered a war which would have destroyed the world.

Which would have put a dent in my plans for a weekend of major vegging-out.

"Even cars have collision detectors," I mused out loud. "So how can submarines collide in a space as big as an ocean?"

My mentor/ bartender paused in his glass-polishing to share my puzzlement. "It does seem odd," he agreed. "Especially since the Atlantic Ocean is 82 million square kilometers in size."

I blinked. Eighty-two million square kilometers! That's bigger than my apartment. It's bigger than my boss's desk. It's bigger than Russia and Canada and China and the US put together. It's bigger than my ego, possibly.

Imagine the whole of Asia cleared of buildings and turned into a massive flat plain. (I believe several property developers are actually planning to do this.) Put two tricycles on it, one in Siberia, and the other in south India, and tell them to ride around at random. Now imagine the two trikes colliding. Bump! "Oops, sorry, didn’t see you there."

It's rare to see my mentor/bartender flummoxed, so I decided to track down some answers.

There are more than a dozen submarine drivers (pilots? skippers? admirals?) living in Asia, so it didn't take me long to find one. He was a surprisingly short British gentleman who didn't wish to give his full name, but said I could refer to him as Lieutenant Commander S (Ret'd) of the British Royal Navy. He'd read the same article about the British and French subs colliding.

"Interestingly, the French surfaced immediately and went back to France for lunch, thus rendering their secret nuclear deterrence a little redundant," he said. "The Atlantic is a very big pond and it was exceptionally unlucky for the boats to be in the same space of water. There again, one-in-a-million shots seem to come up nine times out of ten."

His words reminded me that one often comes across coincidences at sea. Anyone remember "Futility" by Morgan Robertson? It was a 1898 novel in which a state-of-the-art ocean liner on its way to New York hits an iceberg on a calm April night. Many die because of a shortage of lifeboats. In the book, the ship is called The Titan. Yes, it's the story of the Titanic, minus Kate and Leonardo (and much better for it).

Incidentally, Morgan later wrote a book about a war which starts with a Japanese sneak attack in Hawaii. I'm hoping that one day a third novel by him is discovered, about a non-entity working on newspapers in Asia who becomes incredibly rich.

In the meantime, there's a second-hand Mercedes with a collision detector in the car lot near my house. If the British or French navies would like it, just give me a call. I'll get you a good price.

Comments

[Ricardo]

Speaking of things coming true, I wish I could remember the source but the story is - A gentleman in the 1930s reckoned that a major world war was coming. This war would involve Europe, Africa, Asia and N America with the possibility of some involvement by S America. He reckoned that there would be few places not involved as central players or, at least, peripherally. He decided that he had to get himself and his family as far from the potential scenes of action as possible. After carefully studying the geopolitics of them time he, in the late 1930s, moved himself and his family to an isolated Pacific island that couldn't possibly be caught up in a world war - Guadalcanal.

[Nury]

It sounds like my family, Ricardo. My father was born in Sri Lanka and eventually fell in love with a different city -- Bogata. He seemed to specialize in Death Capitals of the World!

I also seem to have amazing luck. Whereever I go there is a massive terrorist attack.
In 2001, I went on holiday to New York, in 2002, I went to Bali, in 2005 I went to London and in 2007 I went to Sri Lanka.
My friends always ask for my holiday plans so that they can avoid them.

Incidentally, for readers who are not historians, Guadalcanal is a tiny island in the middle of the great vast Pacific Ocean. It seems like the safest place in the world, but it was where the Allied Forces (US and Brits and others) engaged in combat with Japan during World War II. It was said to be the turning point of WWII.

Not a good choice for someone running from trouble.

[Shereen]

Submarines... You have missed the satellites colliding overhead (news item). What matter if those in Omsk, Tomsk or Irkutsk get showered with debris. More benign than subs eh?

[fardel]

My,My...
You @°*#&@°*#& news reporter like to raise storms in a glass of whisky.
I request that you forward my true explanation to your @°*#&@°*#& readers.

I quote:

Our new submarines are so quiet that only a trained ear can make the difference between a whale and ourselves.
we did, however, make a slight mistake:
We were not told that the "bat" (the guy who listens on the sonar to direct us ) whom we left in charge was a water drinker.
You know , water is our enemy ,and if we have no alternative for bathing, we consider it a poison which makes one rusts faster;
In most Navies worldwide it is compulsory to replace it by wine or whisky for vital use,like drinking
So this @°*#&@°*#& bat was only thirsty;
not being accustomed to our tinted water, he lost attentionfor a slight moment
We had a little brush with a British submarine, ,nothing serious.

With your silly habit of calling ship a "she" , you put me into trouble:
My wife heard on the BBC that a French submarine had a brush with a British submarine.
The bbc said that SHE stayed at sea.
My wife mis- understood that a french submariner had a French Kiss in open sea with a British Submariner.
She mis-understood that the british submariner "lady" stayed at sea with the french Submariner
I had to rush home to report , before my wife kicked me out

You @°*#&@°*#& reporters, how dare you suggest that our food is not good that I had to go home for lunch?
And since you are there , tell the British to stay on their side of the pond

Signed

Admiral Topbrasse
Captain of the New Klee R submarine
atlantique fleet

[Santox]

So true, Nury, we could have been annihilated by these two titans lurking in the depths of the Atlantic, listening to among other things, sunbathers frolicking on the beach above them.

British and French subs, did you say? Were they trying to create another Tsunami, so tidal and fatal that, we didn't have time even to build an ark.

Or are they rendezvousing into the twiling zone of Waterloo!

[Balaji Perumal]

Do submarines have headlights?

[Stormin' Norman]

Tell me, Mr. Jam, Do you REALLY think that puny humans, no matter how many weapons systems they have or can unleash, can destroy the Earth? If so, it is an incredibly conceited viewpoint. We have the ability to destroy the human race, and probably, lots of animals and fishes and birds and rice paddies, but, if large meteorite strikes can alter climate and change the biospheric make, and the Earth still survives, how can little things like nuclear explosions destroy the planet?

[Micah]

Dear Storming normal i think that when people talk about "the end of the world" they mean the end of the world as we know it, they dont mean that the actual third rock from the sun will disappear entirely.
My feeling about this incident is that if we are going to follow a system in which different nations are comfortable building nuclear weapons and carrying them around then it is inevitable that there will one day be an accident which could very well cause world destruction. (meaning the end of the world as we know it)

But it could be worse!! I remember readng somewhere that if nuclear proliferation continues to grow there could eventually be a situation where the actual earth itself is in danger of destruction, being thrown out of orbit ect. now THAT would be a big bang.

[Quentin]

Nury, I have just read your travel exploits and the carnage that seems to follow you. you may remember some time ago I suggested you should visit beautiful Darwin in Australia's Northern Territory ... please disregard that. Visit Melbourne instead - nobody really cares what happens there anyway.