By Nury Vittachi
I can't believe it's ALREADY the Year of the Ox. I'm still writing "Year of the Rabbit" on my cheques. Anyway, by popular demand, here are my warts-and-all animal zodiac readings for this year.
Pig (People born in 1935, 47, 59, 71, 83, 95) You are intelligent and artistic, but you can be moody. You enjoy getting into overcrowded train carriages to rub against strangers. Your goal for this year is to be arrested less frequently. Everybody hates you.
Rat (People born in 1936, 48, 60, 72, 84, 96) Witty and good-natured, you are an amusing companion. You enjoy polluting harbors and major waterways. You believe cartoons are real-life events taking place in other dimensions. You are deeply sick.
Ox (People born in 1937, 49, 61, 73, 85, 97) You are calm, patient and methodical. Your hobby is devising new methods of torture. You drink blood and have hair growing on your forehead. Your children are plotting to kill you.
Tiger (People born in 1938, 50, 62, 74, 86, 98) You are eloquent and sociable, with lots of friends. You love animals, especially for genetic experiments. You work hard at your main hobby, which is planting hard drugs on people at airports. You have three nipples.
Rabbit (People born in 1939, 51, 63, 75, 87, 99) You are gentle, kind and likeable, but you can be naïve. You have a beautiful head of hair, under which you hide horn-like growths. Many of your friends don't know you're the world's biggest arms smuggler.
Dragon (People born in 1940, 52, 64, 76, 88, 2000) You are strong, self-assured and proud. To relax, you rob banks and post offices. You aim is to one day to appear at the International Criminal Court charged with genocide.
Snake (People born in 1929, 41, 53, 65, 77, 89, 2001) You're a deep thinker, wise and mystical, but sometimes lack empathy. You like to kidnap people and hold them to ransom. You eat toenail clippings and smell funny.
Horse (People born in 1930, 42, 54, 66, 78, 90) You are cheerful, popular and talkative. You are good with technology and are personally responsible for sending out almost a third of the world's spam emails. You are wanted by police in 19 countries.
Ram (People born in 1931, 43, 55, 67, 79, 91) You are sincere and creative, but you can be indecisive. You wear your underwear for a month at a time and your hobby is stealing mail from neighbours' letter boxes. You vacillate between vegetarianism and cannibalism.
Monkey (People born in 1932, 44, 56, 68, 80, 92) Quick-witted and inventive, you have boundless energy. Your hobby is making hoax phone calls to the emergency services. You enjoy testing poisons on family members, and would love to start your own war.
Rooster (People born in 1933, 45, 57, 69, 81, 93) You are honest, loyal and unpretentious, with a sense of fair play. But you have a cynical streak. You have a tendency to murder people who cross you, but the number of victims will fall as you mature.
Dog (People born in 1934, 46, 58, 70, 82, 94) You are a meticulous, organized person, much admired by all who meet you. You enjoy mugging people in dark alleys. Your family relationships are bad, or at least they were until you killed them all.
Happy year of the ox!