The warts-and-all guide to your animal zodiac sign

By Nury Vittachi

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I can't believe it's ALREADY the Year of the Ox. I'm still writing "Year of the Rabbit" on my cheques. Anyway, by popular demand, here are my warts-and-all animal zodiac readings for this year.

Pig (People born in 1935, 47, 59, 71, 83, 95) You are intelligent and artistic, but you can be moody. You enjoy getting into overcrowded train carriages to rub against strangers. Your goal for this year is to be arrested less frequently. Everybody hates you.

Rat (People born in 1936, 48, 60, 72, 84, 96) Witty and good-natured, you are an amusing companion. You enjoy polluting harbors and major waterways. You believe cartoons are real-life events taking place in other dimensions. You are deeply sick.

Ox (People born in 1937, 49, 61, 73, 85, 97) You are calm, patient and methodical. Your hobby is devising new methods of torture. You drink blood and have hair growing on your forehead. Your children are plotting to kill you.

Tiger (People born in 1938, 50, 62, 74, 86, 98) You are eloquent and sociable, with lots of friends. You love animals, especially for genetic experiments. You work hard at your main hobby, which is planting hard drugs on people at airports. You have three nipples.

Rabbit (People born in 1939, 51, 63, 75, 87, 99) You are gentle, kind and likeable, but you can be naïve. You have a beautiful head of hair, under which you hide horn-like growths. Many of your friends don't know you're the world's biggest arms smuggler.

Dragon (People born in 1940, 52, 64, 76, 88, 2000) You are strong, self-assured and proud. To relax, you rob banks and post offices. You aim is to one day to appear at the International Criminal Court charged with genocide.

Snake (People born in 1929, 41, 53, 65, 77, 89, 2001) You're a deep thinker, wise and mystical, but sometimes lack empathy. You like to kidnap people and hold them to ransom. You eat toenail clippings and smell funny.

Horse (People born in 1930, 42, 54, 66, 78, 90) You are cheerful, popular and talkative. You are good with technology and are personally responsible for sending out almost a third of the world's spam emails. You are wanted by police in 19 countries.

Ram (People born in 1931, 43, 55, 67, 79, 91) You are sincere and creative, but you can be indecisive. You wear your underwear for a month at a time and your hobby is stealing mail from neighbours' letter boxes. You vacillate between vegetarianism and cannibalism.

Monkey (People born in 1932, 44, 56, 68, 80, 92) Quick-witted and inventive, you have boundless energy. Your hobby is making hoax phone calls to the emergency services. You enjoy testing poisons on family members, and would love to start your own war.

Rooster (People born in 1933, 45, 57, 69, 81, 93) You are honest, loyal and unpretentious, with a sense of fair play. But you have a cynical streak. You have a tendency to murder people who cross you, but the number of victims will fall as you mature.

Dog (People born in 1934, 46, 58, 70, 82, 94) You are a meticulous, organized person, much admired by all who meet you. You enjoy mugging people in dark alleys. Your family relationships are bad, or at least they were until you killed them all.

Happy year of the ox!

Comments

[Kaf]

Hi Nury. Happy Chinese New Year!

This is my first time leaving you a "comment" here but I have been a great fan of your column since I read it in The Standard.

The years above seems wrong. I was born in 86 and I am a tiger. AND that makes me having 3 nipples....LOL

[Nury]

Dear Kaf, thanks for your comment. The year really depends on when your birthday is -- if it's january or early february, the previous animal year counts. That may explain it? As for the three nipples, the horoscopes above aren't guaranteed to be right for everyone -- they're really just based on people I know!
best wishes

[Steve.]

Nury, Kaf is right your dates are wrong. You have Dragon as 76, 87. That is only 11 years and there are 12 Animal signs.

[Santox]

Nury, A Happy 'Niu' Year of the Ox to you and family! Looking forward to more of your postings which view life in a positive funny hilarious light. Happy writing!

[Nury]

Santox, thanks for your message; Steve, I;m sure you're right, there are probably errors in some of the year listings, I;ll fix it when I get a moment (not today -- I am doing speeches and interviews back to back all day--what a day!). cheers, Nury

[ledraf]

Nury , seems to me that you are in bad company

[Sara]

Dear Mr Jam, my husband (a snake) is furious that you suggest that he eats toenail clippings and smells funny.

But actually he does, so I am impressed by your accuracy.

But I am a sheep and you are less accurate with mine. You say that I vacilate between vegetarianism and cannabalism. That's not strictly accurate. I am a vegetarian 90 % of the time but I have severe temptation to turn cannibal every time I spend time with my boss.

[Dog]

I am NOT a mass murderer.

I would not call six people a "mass".

[Nury]

Oh sorry, Dog, tell me when you have killed a few more people and then I will be sure to call you by your correct title.

As for now, how about "occasional murderer"?

By the way, Kaf and Steve, I think I fixed the dates. Thanks for pointing it out!

[Rabbit 1951]

How did you know that I was the world's biggest arms smuggler? Damn, your sources are good.

[Quentin]

Morning and Kung Hei Fat Choi from sunny Darwin. I agree with the Ox summation that my children are plotting to murder me ... very slowy through stress related means! And oh to have hair growing from my forehead - at least then I could manage a 'comb back' effect.

[Elle]

I am a snake, and in my defense; my bathroom has been acting funny lately and toxic waste emerges from my shower head. That would probably explain the toe-nail eating thing.

[Horse 1978]

It is not true that I am wanted by the police in 19 countries.

It is 18 countries and one city-state, actually.

[Catherine]

Yeah, but you forgot to say that the people I hold for ransom are never paid for. And we often become friends, after they learn that their own friends/families don't care enough to ransom them. Which is how I developed empathy.

The Snake

[Nury]

It all sounds rather fun, Catherine, how about kidnapping me one of these days?

[Tara]

Spot on, Nury!
I'm a pig, so on monday i'm going to invite all of my classmates to 'help me look for my lost needle in the cramped lost items cupboard'.
I have more than 40 classmates, so it might get a bit 'overcrowded'if you know what I mean.

P.S.I can be intelligent and artistic, but occaisionally moody. Or at least I think I can.

[warzen]

Oh my god, I happen to be a pig.

[GreelaEffiree]

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