The glamorous life of the business traveler

By Nury Vittachi

Business travelers are whiners. They live a glamorous, jet-setting life, yet all they do is moan about it. They should try being stuck at a desk, see how they like it.

The above argument was used to attack the present writer recently. My verbal assailant was a man who has spent six years at the same desk. "You always moan about everything, yet you spend your life jetting around," he said.

Not fair! We poor business travelers are to be pitied, not envied. Honest.

Desk jockeys, just compare my life to yours.

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In your cubicle you have 1.6 meters by 1.6 meters of space to yourself.

In my economy class seat, I have a space just 50 centimeters square.

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In your cubicle, you have a proper desk with drawers and a filing cabinet.

At my seat, I have a rickety tray the size of my forearm.

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At your desk, you have a full-size keyboard and a computer screen.

At my seat, I work with my fast-expiring laptop awkwardly balanced on the tiny tray.

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If the people sitting near you move around, it doesn't affect you.

If the people sitting in front of me or behind me or next to me make the slightest movement, my coffee goes flying over my lap and my laptop.

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In your office you have a whole row of toilets for men and a separate one for women.

In my cabin, I share a coffin-sized toilet with 160 people.

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When you get hungry, you stroll to street level and take your choice of restaurants.

When I get hungry, I have to wait until someone brings me a rectangular dog dish.

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In your office you can take a break and walk around the park.

In my cabin, the only door leads to instant death.

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When you've finished work, you can watch television all evening.

When I finish work, I get to look at a screen that's the size of my hand and suffers from constant interruptions in three languages.

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At your home, you have newspapers, internet connections and a working phone.

At my seat, I have yesterday's news, if I'm lucky.

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If you need peace, you can turn the television off and enjoy music or birdsong.

If I want peace, I insert earplugs which completely fail to reduce the roar of engines a few meters away from me.

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If you want to breathe fresh air, you open your windows.

The only thing I get to breathe is a blend of the recycled gaseous emissions of 160 strangers.

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At night, you get two pillows, a duvet and a full-size bed.

At night, I get a Barbie-sized cushion, a blanket so thin you can see through it and a seat that barely tilts.

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At night, you get to cuddle up with your spouse.

At night, I get to cuddle up with the 160 producers of the gaseous emissions mentioned above.

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In the morning, you are woken at daybreak by sunrise and bird song.

I am woken at an absurdly early hour by flight attendants switching all the cabin lights on.

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And after suffering all that, what rewards do we get?

We stumble out into Colombo airport at two o'clock in the morning to wait six hours in the transit lounge before getting on another plane and doing it all again.

Ah, the glamorous life of a business traveler.

Comments

[Leo]

I kind of share your experience too, though I am not a business traveler...

I know how you feel especially for the 160 types of gaseous flowing in and out of your nostril.

[frequent traveller]

I thought you might appreciate this fact. The high pressure in aircraft cabins causes an increase in gaseous emissions by human beings. In a long haul flight, that can mean in excess of 500 ml of gas per person. Do the math. If there are 400 people on board, that's at least 200 litres of gas on a long haul flight!!! Heaven knows how we survive.
By the way, thanks for exposing the fact that most business travellers travel economy. Many people think that just because you are a business person you automatically go in business class. the fact is most companies run tight budgets and most business travellers go economy class.

[fardel]

Tips to the business traveller
I give it to you but you must not share it with any one.

1 Arrive early for check in
be the first
,After ten passengers have checked in , you are already too late
The checking agent is in top shape and ready for the 400 pax stampede, mentally and physically
Bring your wider genuine smile

You should easily be able to reserve the wing exit seat ( the one with the more leg room)
WARNING
, we at check-in counters, can recognize the fake genuine smile: you will end up in the rear exit seat

SECOND WARNING
Warning: seasoned economy class business travelers might have paid a little extra for those seats

AS A BONUS the engines and their noise are behind you
AS A SECOND BONUS ,if things get to the worse , you will be the first one out of the aircraft.

2 I use Shiling oil under my nose:
It stings first but removes the smell and purifies the air you inhale

3 Get those socks given to first class passengers;
remove your shoes the moment you seat down and use those socks;
WARNING
you might find difficult to get into your shoes ;
No, you did not try to put on your lady neighbour' s shoes:
as feet swell during flight , it might take a while to get your feet back into your shoes .
Before landing walk up and down the ails to circulate the blood
The best is to lay down with the feet up against a bulkhead, but i am not sure that the flight attendant would be too happy about that

4 Buy the most comfortable headset in a electronic store, ( they are cheap and there is plenty of choice )
Ask a friend to replace the cable with a cable which can fit the airlines outlets
You have your own HIFI system

5 bring you favorite snack or chocolate bar ( your spouse will not notice )

6 you can bring you own dish as long as there is no liquid or jelly looking product in it
7 cooked rice should be allowed in small quantity in a clear plastic bag with no sauce
8 If you want to bring your spouse best sauce, it must be less than 9 oz bottle in a legal plastic bag
She would be so proud if you could show your favorite airline that she cooks better than them

Forks and knives should have been provided to you by Nature:use them if you cannot wait for the meal to be served

9 Tell your boss that he is the best manager.
Tell him that he should book your flight more than 6 months in advance
He could save 10 % of his savings to book a room in a hotel close to the airport, where you could rest instead of traveling at night

After you have followed my tips
1 your boss will have saved money
2 you will arrive , on top of your intellectual capacity, therefore you will be more productive
3 You will have made a friend at the checking counter ; she will tell her colleagues , and you will be better served next time
4 You spouse will be the proudest spouse in the region
and last but not least
YOU WILL ENJOY FLYING WITH US

REMINDER/ THIS SECRET IS FOR YOUR EYES ONLY AND WILL BE FOUND IN MY NEW BOOK, WHICH I SHALL ADVERTIS E LATER

[Santox]

Nury, you have an eagle's eye on business class travellers. This makes me wander why a pastor and his wife of a local church here, on their flight to Isreal, were so delighted when they were informed by the chief steward that theirs had been upgraded to a business class because of 'business exigencies'. Perhaps the business class was filled with a kind of heavenly odor and ambiance.

[Nury]

Thanks, Fardel -- since you are in the airline industry, I know that your tips are really useful. I will certainly buy a copy of your air traveler book, if you ever write one!
And Santox, I like the idea of a pastor and his wife being upgraded. In my experience, the people who get upgraded tend to be the nasty rich business people who only want to pay for an economy ticket but pester the staff until they move them up.
I think it would be nice if airlines had a policy of upgrading people who choose low-paid caring professions, such as pastors, social workers, etc.

[Nury]

Oh, and Santox, I was writing about business travellers, NOT business class travellers. As "frequent traveler" says above, 80 per cent of people who travel for work/business reasons (like me) travel in economy class.

Having said that, I did go in the business class on one trip in the fall of last year, thanks to a generous host. There was a big difference in comfort level since it was an over-night flight. But the difference in price was huge -- not worth paying unless someone else is footing the bill!

[Farah]

it also helps if one or more of your relatives is flying the plane so not only you get to travel first class with the payment of economy class but you also get to lounge in the cockpit. but i had the worst experience last time i flew to london. i had to jump over the handrest if i wanted to get out of my seat as there was no space to move with the front seats inclined.

[grandpa]

Aviation introduces in-flight education :
http://www.straitstimes.com/BreakingNews/World/Story/STIStory_702672.html

who said that flying is boring?