I believe I can fly

By Nury Vittachi
Herds of people are flocking to churches and temples, scientists report. Faith groups can expect a 50 per cent jump in growth rates thanks to the financial crisis, New Scientist says.

Why is this happening? Because the rabble seek comfort in irrational beliefs, the magazine indicates.

Ow! Hey, scientists, listen up: the statistics may be right but your conclusion is definitely wrong. People in the banking community are giving each other cash bonuses for screwing up the world economy -– is that rational? I don’t think so.

How about checking out places where people find fulfillment in non-materialistic ways? That’s not irrational: it’s logical in these troubled times.

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But there's one thing in the magazine's editorial that I do agree with. "Many psychologists now see irrationality as the default state of the human mind," it says.

At last, scientists have caught up with the rest of us. Life is strange, bizarre and irrational, and human thought-processes even more so.

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The fact is, life IS full of questions, big and small.

Here are some common ones that are pondered over in Internet forums, or listed in my notebook:

Is there a God?

Why do men have nipples?

Which came first, the egg or the bacon?

When police arrest a mime, are they still obliged to tell him that he has the right to remain silent?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Why do they sterilize needles used for lethal injections?

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So many questions, so little time. I asked regular contributors to identify the metaphysical "mysteries of life" that most puzzled them. The things that puzzled readers were not big questions of existence, but mundane puzzles that crop up in everyday activities. I divided them by age and sex.

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The top three great metaphysical mysteries of adult male life:

1. Instead of you, there's a fat, balding guy in the mirror.

2. Somehow your bones turn into accurate weather-forecasting devices.

3. Once you get your head together, your body falls apart.

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The top three great metaphysical mysteries of adult female life:

1. A one kilo box of chocolates can make a woman gain two kilos.

2. Every bathroom scale ever made is inaccurate.

3. You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.

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The top three great metaphysical mysteries of young male life:

1. Most of the questions women ask have NO RIGHT ANSWERS.

2. You can keep vomiting long after you think you have finished.

3. Girls want you to pursue them, but as soon as you seriously get into the whole stalking business, they call the police.

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The top three great metaphysical mysteries of young female life:

1. Ex-boyfriends are like attacks of toe fungus, they just keep coming back.

2. Although you know that nothing new will have materialized you keep returning to the refrigerator.

3. Even guys who have no fear of bungee jumping or watching horror movies are terrified of making a phone call.

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Okay, so I'll admit that the great mysteries of life that most puzzle readers aren't really that deep.

But if any church or temple has the answer to them, drop me a note. I don't mind the fact that my left tibia forecasts rain, but I'm anxious to get that fat, bald guy out of my mirror.

Comments

[Billy]

Good one!

[Fai mao]

Why is it that when I was 20 I never thought I'd want to fill my father's shoes and at 50 I only wish I could?

[yss]

why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
why do we call it a building when it is already built?

[Farah]

tres bien.

[Chamin]

Why does the head stand up from the body while the other limbs hangdown? (copyright my 5 year-old niece)

[David]

One thing that really baffles me...

Why do the numbers on a calculator (or number pad) go upwards whilst ones on a phone go downwards?

[Leo]

The ultimate question of all time:
Why am I here?
(Because I am a fans of Nury!!!)
(Best answer I have ever attempted!)

The ultimate question of all time for Theology:
1. Why didn't God remove Evil if he was all good, omnipotent and omnipresent?
2. Why did he create Devil if God was the creator of all?

Even studying Theology for a semester...I still can't get it off my head...

[Nury]

Thanks for the comments.
I like the query about telephone keypads having numbers which go down and number keypads having numbers which go up -- i never thought of that before, but you're right: my computer and phone are right in front of me, and the numbers go in opposite directions.
And as for the theological one, that's interesting too. I reckon God would be bored stiff if everyone was good all the time, since he would have a universe of robot-like angels. It's just way more fun for him to have people who can choose to be good or bad.
There's a really good book about the creation of the devil -- Paradise Lost, written I think in the year 17-something. About how an angel called Lucifer makes a bid for more responsibility and gets rebuffed and cast down to earth where he fosters evil and becomes Satan. Would make a great movie!

[Priyantha Liyanage]

For Lee who is studying Theology;
There is no all good, omnipotent and omnipresent god. If he is the creator, why would he make some of us blind, poor, mentally handicap or deaf and why would he make some of us rich, famous, good looking and brainy? We believe it is one's own karma [bad deeds/thoughts in the past lives and this life] which decide who is going to be what. This is more rational and logical explanation.
If god created other animals for human food [as some believe] why didn't he ensure that the animal will not feel any pain when it is killed? Is it because the so called God does not have an iota of loving kindness or is it because he is not omnipotent as some believe or is it simply because he didn't create any animal/human?
I am not saying that there is no God and that there is no heaven. In fact there are so many Gods and several heavens. It is just that they are also another kind of beings subject to the same Karma and their results as we humans.

[Priyantha Liyanage]

More questions to ponder;

...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

..why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

...why doctors call what they do "practice"?

...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dish washing liquid is made with real lemons?

..why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

...who tastes dog food when it has a "new &improved" flavor?

...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?

...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

[David]

Actually, most of the questions were probably taken from:

http://www.crazythoughts.com/

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[peter wei]

Let me hazard an answer based on Genesis 2 and 3 of the Bible. Apparently, we didn't eat the fruit from the tree of good and evil, as Adam did!