Dogs are male, cats are female

By Nury Vittachi

 
Here's more proof that children are highly insightful creatures. I gave a speech at a primary school yesterday and asked if there were any questions.

"Are all dogs boys?" a small, sticky child asked.

"Yes," I replied. "All dogs are male. Including girl dogs."

The child looked smug. Clearly he had been arguing this point with someone. I went on to explain that all cats were girls, including male cats.

I could see that the teacher was looking puzzled. So explained what I meant with a story.

*
In the beginning, Adam and Eve felt lonely.

So God told his angels to make them a creature for them. "Make it medium-sized, with four legs and a tail," God said. "You can call it a Pet."

The angels made the first pair of pets. They were cute but they were also very playful. They ran around heaven, hid under the sofas and scratched the furniture. Then they saw what looked like a pair of paddling pools. One jumped into the blue one and the other jumped into the red one.

But they were not paddling pools. They were vats of Male Essence and Female Essence.

After the angels fished them out, they noticed the Pets had changed.

One had become shaggy-haired, simple-minded and deep-voiced.

And the other had become sleek and complicated and whiney.

"Oops," said the angel. "We'd better classify these as two separate creatures."

They called one Dog and the other Cat.

*
This made perfect sense to the children. But later on, in the staff room, I had to explain what I meant to the teacher.

*

Proof that all dogs are male:

1. Dogs, like men, are completely predictable.

2. They are supremely interested in your nether regions and pathetically unable to hide this fact.

3. They don't respond when you shout in their ear, but they can hear the sound of a packet containing something consumable being opened a kilometer away.

4. If you once let them hog your sofa, they will feel like they own it.

5. They eat anything. Their basic philosophy is put stuff in their mouths first, ask questions later.

6. They are intensely loyal but sometimes stray through sheer stupidity.

7. When they are not happy, they don’t say anything, but sulk and growl and knock things over.

8. They emit large amounts of gas from both ends.

9. They often consume ill-advised items until they are sick, give you a sad "never again" look, and then do the same thing again the next day.

*
Proof that all cats are female:

1. They are completely unpredictable.

2. They expect to be worshipped all the time.

3. They look cute but are surprisingly tough-minded creatures who make all the decisions.

4. You can call them, but you never know if they will actually turn up.
5. They leave bits of their hair all over the place.

6. They completely ignore you when you come home.

7. They take the stance that you exist solely to ensure their happiness.

*
The teacher listened patiently, and then a rather guilty look appeared on her face. She pulled two sandwiches out of her bag. "I chose your lunch for you in advance," she said. "After all, women make the decisions, and men eat anything, right? Meow."

What could I reply? "Woof."

Comments

[ulrika]

Tell me something. The above argument is clearly nonsensical and is Nury having a bit of fun. In scientific terms it cannot possibly be true. But the whole thing "rings" true. Can any science-minded reader explain why this is the case. Why do cats have female personality characteristics and dogs have male ones.?
thanks.
Ulrika

[Laney]

I kind of agree with ulrika, scientifically this doesn't make sense at all, but it is also bang on target !
meow!

[Alvina]

yesyesyes when I was small I thought that that dogs are all boys and cats girls, and that 1 dog + 1 cat = couple. So when someone told me that dogs always chase cats and they cant get along well, I was really shocked and refused to believe it.

[Nury]

What do you mean the story above is not scientific? Of course it's scientific. How else can you explain the maleness of dogs and the femaleness of cats?

It's all definitely true. The REAL mystery is why the pets chapter got left out of the Book of Genesis.

[Sai Janane]

Awww!! Looks like i got to swallow the fact that the all dogs are male and all cats are female. What a revelation a day before the lovey-dovey day of the year!!

[Farah]

i actually thought that all guys are in fact cats because dogs do come back to their owners no matter what but cats tend to be biased towards those who pampers them the most.

[shahriar]

dogs chasing cats can also be explained.they are like married couples after just about one year of marriage.

[Rika]

In Germand it is:
'Der Hund' = dog = having the male article
and
'Die Katze' = cat = having the female article

I only wish our teachers would have been able to explain to us why! Nury - as always - has the answers...

[female dog]

Now you know why they call me "bitch"

[Andy]

Shahriah, what culture do you come from? In my culture (Western), men chase women BEFORE they are married. Both sides lose interest afterwards!!!

[Santox]

If dogs were male and cats female, both would end up fighting; cats and dogs. Then we will see the real maleness and femaleness of each kind -claws, paws, barking meows, and meowing barks included.

[Rika]

Hehe, in my parents house we had several cats and dogs plus visitors of both kinds from the village, and the cats were ALWAYS the winners! Definitely queens of the castle :o)))

And as much as I like dogs, but the silly things walked into the same traps over and over again...
... hmmm?!? ... analogy to humans seems to become stronger and stronger

[fardel]

It is scientifically proven :
Cats are female and dogs are male
Look at the divorce statistics in the West where "cats" are loose ( hmm free)

Have you seen a cat play with a mouse, before killing it?
Do you know why they do that?
It is called practice.
When they are ready, they go dog hunting.
No mercy

As Rika said:the stupid things never learn .
They always fall in the traps
After the mating season, comes the clawing/ barking season, as Santox describes it soooo well.
Then comes the separation when everyone patches her wounds until the next hunting season comes.
What is not scientific is the length of the mating season or what starts it
It could last from one night to no more than a few years .
It can start any time and stops only when the cat's belly is full
Do you need a drawing ?

And the bad news ,dogs!
Cats are always the winners

I know dogs who are spending their life,and money feeding and lodging a few cats and their numerous kittens
You think I am a cat , right?
Wrong
I am the last smart dog left,and I am sorry for you dogs .
If you want to know the secret to avoid traps ,send a check to
Smartdog
Cataway Drive
Dog Island
Caribbean

[Nury]

I think the German decision to make Dog a male word and Cat a female word is proof that the legend of adam and eve's pets is actually a true story. Thanks for the info, Rika. Despite the fact that I just made it up.

Life is funny like that.

And Fardel, you may be a smart dog but it seems to me that many cats have taken advantage of you over the years! No doubt many of your wives/ daughters/ girlfriends know just how to handle you, and get what they want out of you.

[fardel]

Nury
You are right
I am just an old crippled dog trying to have fun in one of the few places left for that.
Boasting to have won the only war where one sleeps with the enemy , is a way to have fun

Nevertheless,the threat is serious:
when cats get freedom, dogs loose theirs;
There is no exception
When Asia turns western, dogs will find out, the hard way

Woof

[Chin]

Alvina, surely that is FURTHER proof that dogs are males and cats are females, or at least, exactly like a couple?

[CR CONDOS]

I love the cats, they are so pretty and nice, i used to have my own, his name was shatran, but he got missed!!!! =(

[pleasure women]

that good that we are leaving that cliche that cats and dogs do not get along! haha! is too good that can live together! humans should follow their example! hahaha! lol

[folliculitis]

Have the people who are opposed to bathing cats ever really spent any time around cats? All cats get pretty stank if they don't ever get bathed, the "cats keep themselves clean" argument is wack.

[new balance]

Very lucky to come to your blog here, I got a large amount of information, I really like your blog. First came here, they are so good that you will often see, the article. Thank you for sharing!

[kitchen]

Thank you for sharing. Very happy to see your article, I very much to like and agree with your point of view. Have a good time.

[keylogger Mac]

This is my first time i visit here. I found interesting things to many in your blog, mostly to the debate. Of the tons of comments on your articles, I’m not the only one who has all the fun here! Keep up the good work.

[u]

good

[Canada Goose Jakke]

Da jeg var en gradvist erstattes med et brøl af løvblæsere,
men aroma af tørrede blade gør op for det.

[grandpa]

How do you know the dog is a male?

He puts mayonnaise on his French fries