Turning heavy folk into average ones

A guaranteed fail-safe method

By Nury Vittachi

*
Rika wrote a comment just now telling us to watch documentaries on what happens to chicken etc as it is processed--as it will put you right off eating the stuff. This is really true, and watching shows about mass production of food should form part of every diet.

                It's funny, many readers have started "healthy eating" programs. Several of my chubbier friends and workmates are doing the same.

                But here's the weird thing that quite a few of my workmates complain about.

Often the most stringent diets have no effect. Worse still, several dieters actually PUT ON weight. They suffer terrible starvation all day and then discover that they are half a kilo heavier at the end of it!

                Fear not. I can tell you why. You see, there are certain strange laws of physics and biology that ONLY apply to diets.  For example: "Brain cells come and brain cells go; but fat cells live forever."

                Further, most dieters (and nutritionists) don't know about the Dieting One-Way Principle. Skipping 10 pieces of chocolate cake causes you to lose half a kilo, but eating one piece of chocolate cake puts it all back on again.
                Now, I have been carefully observing some of the dieters I know, and understand why many of them fail. Here is a typical case, whom I shall call Ms X, to avoid embarrassment for her, and nasty repercussions for me.

*
Day one. She weighs herself. She grimly writes down the bad news. Her fists tighten to show just how fervent she is to achieve a breakthrough.

            Breakfast: One cup of tea with no milk or sugar, followed by one small yogurt.

            Mid-morning break: Another cup of tea with no milk or sugar.

Lunch: Skinless fish with steamed vegetables.

Mid-afternoon snack: One small apple.

Dinner: Steamed chicken breast, plus illicit side order of french fries which don't count because they are eaten off a friend's plate.

Dessert: One small banana, followed by one sneaked chocolate bar, which has no calories, as it is eaten in the dark.
*
Day two. Morning weighing: Face darkens as weighing scale shows zero reduction.

Breakfast: One cup of tea with no milk or sugar, followed by two small yogurts.

Mid-morning break: Another cup of tea, this time with skimmed milk but no sugar.

Lunch: Steamed fish with side salad.

Mid-afternoon snack: One tangerine, followed by a pack of cookies which doesn't count because no one saw her eat them.

Dinner: Salmon fillet with salad, plus an unofficial large roast potato with sour cream which doesn't count because she ate it standing up in the kitchen while clearing the plates.

Dessert: Illicit medium-sized bar of chocolate eaten as reward for making it through the second day.

Late-evening snack: Two more medium-sized chocolate bars followed by entire family-sized tub of ice cream eaten straight from the freezer.
*
Day three. Morning weighing: Scale shows one-kilo increase. She starts the day in a furious mood.

Breakfast: Eight small yogurts. Three cups of tea with full-fat milk and three spoons of sugar in each.

Mid-morning break: Four bars of chocolate and a large cappuccino.

Lunch: A whole barbecued suckling pig.

Mid-afternoon snack: A bag of apples and six bars of chocolate.

Dinner: An extra-large deep pan super supreme pizza.

Dessert: A three-kilo family-sized cheesecake.
*
Day four. Morning Weighing: A further two-kilo increase leads to a phone call to best friend.

"That diet's completely useless. I tried it religiously for three days but it had no effect at all."
*
But here's the good news for my larger friends. The average weight of citizens of most countries is climbing steadily. Instead of lowering your weight, just hang out for a while. You'll soon be average.

Comments

[Dancer]

What is this obsession about weight? I lived in Australia and I was considered average. Now, I live in Hong Kong and I'm larger than larger. Instead of losing weight, just move to Australia!

[Extremist]

I kind of like the obssessive method mentioned in your previous post. It's no use just wanting to lose weight, or add muscle, or whatever. You have to be compltely obsessed with it for a while. half measures have no effect.

"I will eat more sensiblY' has no effect.

"I will eat nothing but fruit every Monday and Thursday" has a powerful effect after two or three weeks.

[Farah]

get a skinny boyfriend/girlfriend and i assure you that program will be successful. one of my friends tried it and she looks good now...one thought of her boyfriend drives her to work out to keep the pounds away.

[Rika]

Oh yes! The body is a mean thing. It remembers every time it gets starved and learns something from it. As soon as you read about food shortage in some remote area in the world it immediately goes into energy saving mode and won't release a single calory, causing dizzyness and imaginery humming noises. Only generous food supply, preferrably chocolate bars or buttery things, will convince it that not oneself is starving and swap back to normal.

But guys, you don't know how good you have it: No problem with about a tonn of water retention which lets the scale burst out of its plastic shell for a period of one week per month. And if they say pregnant women have cravings... well, at least there is food they hate as well. Try PMS! At times anything eatable will do - even cardboard with the word chocolate written on it. So girls, always start a diet, or for that matter anything 'new', AFTER - never, ever BEFORE.

[Leo]

Nury, so far, I haven't heard of a diet that can make you lose weight in 3 days, perhaps I am a dummy. Please keep me update with the URL of that ULTIMATE SECRET DIET of Ms. X.

Secondly, yes, the figures show us the amazing fact that we all are getting heavier and there's no doubt who is fatter or the fattest, cause everyone has fat. (Fat does live forever, simply because no mammal can live without fat)(if anyone insists that they have 0% fat, make sure you get him/her a coffin right away, they would die in any seconds)(don't moan for them, just pray they will put it for another day with milk)

Third, all diets on the market do work. If it doesn't, it simply because the mechanism doesn't work for Ms. X. Each of the diet comes with a different mechanism and theory behind. They work, but not for everyone.

Fourth, to make it simple, and to top it all, DIETING is the worst way to lose weight. In fact, Nury, you are 100% right for the fact that "Skipping 10 pieces of chocolate cake causes you to lose half a kilo, but eating one piece of chocolate cake puts it all back on again".

This is because the body has a simple defence mechanism that says "I have been running on low energy mode, I need more energy to survive. I used to absorb 10kCal from a piece of chocolate, but now I have to increase my efficiency by 200% so that I can sqeeze out 30 more kCal in order to keep my master survive".

Seriously, this is the one and only major fact that every dieter is ignoring.

Finally, to sum up, there is no better way than doing exercise. I don't mean to do exercise in the extreme way but just normal daily exercise will keep the weight low. Just 45 mins everyday, just walk for that 45 mins uphill and downhill (don't try stairs, it's gonna wear away your knee joints; at the end, you will be stripped to wheelchair forever)(please choose slope according to your own ability, overdoing doesn't make you slim, it makes you die quicker).

Frankly, if anyone would love to lose weight quick and die young, just overdo it. Do till your heart "pop". And for sure, you will be slim...but not the type a normal man would hope for.

If you want to lose weight and maintain a healthy body, just exercise accordingly to your body, and you will find yourself fit and beautiful everyday.

By the way, I did find a good website for toning your body sharp; if you are not overweight and you are looking for ways to make yourself look slimmer, google for "toning exercise", there should be loads of good websites that give away the secret for free.

Peace, hope every woman will look pretty after their EXERCISE NOT DIETING.
As for men, Chill out, don't work out too much till you got aches!!!

[fardel]

I have a receipe for diet,which works to a point;
Every morning TWO croissants( the real French ones, with lots of real butter) with a big cup of milk and coffee , add enough sugar to make it taste really sweet.
At mid morning , a light sandwich with ham AND butter, Skip lunch and take a nap.
A light dinner, with fish and vegetables,
Once a week ( only one meal , once a week) eat your bellyfull of prohibited stuff, like chocolate bars, cakes, ice creams, ); do not eat next day ( if you can).
I lost 15 Lbs in a year; well , I took them back for Christmas, but that's a different story.
It is my intention to loose them again this year, so that I can catch up next Christmas.
Disclaimer :my diet is not supported by any research,and I am not liable should you double volume trying it.

[Leo]

fardel, upon reading your diet, I am a bit worried. The diet doesn't seem to have enough fruits and vegetables.

But yes, it will work. Although there's a lack of fruits and vegetables which means that there is lack of vitamins B, C and D and it's likely to weaken body immunity to the edge, and living on merely carbo and protein is like doing a trapeze without the safety net, your diet will keep the body running and surviving with the least amount of energy (the portion you have suggested will be likely for your own size, if someone is heavier than you are, the portion will need to be increased).

By the way, instead of not eating for the whole next day, please do eat some fruits. Orange has high carbo content, maybe you can stick with apples for maintaining vitamin balance. Health first, body weight later. Remember what our great Nury has said: reason to celebrate in difficult time? First you have your health and second...you still have your health.

[fardel]

Leo
I did not expect to be taken seriously when I mentioned this diet, which is completed by other healthy products;
I use it and it works , but I have a physical activity and I do eat fruits ;
I should have mentioned that I eat only raw products which I prepare myself, including wholewheat bread.( croissants being the exception)

You are right,now that my diet has been taken seriously ,I have to mention fruits: they are good snacks, bring enough non fattening nutrients (except bananas) and cut the hunger.
They can be eaten at anytime, with positve effect;the same goes for carrots, celery branches, tomatoes ...;
The point I was trying to make is that going on a diet can be psychologically difficult .
If one allow oneself an exception , limited to belly capacity, only once a week, one rewards oneself while avoiding the trap of temptations , whatever the "dieting" methods used;
We live only once and it is a pity to deprive oneself of good things which are not so "good";

We are programmed to work all week then enjoy the weekend’s rest.
Enjoying a good meal , or good things at the end of the week,is worth the wait.It can be perceived as a real reward;
But as for the next day,when I have eaten a whole cake ,plus a few goodies,( Yes I do that once in a while) my body does not ask for much the next day;
Like I said ,I am not a nutritionist ,just an observer;

Thank you for reminding me that even if this columns are supposed to be funny,one can be taken too seriously;
I shall be more careful in the future

[Leo]

fardel, the diet things just remind me of my friend and 1 of my students. The slimming thing is totally driving women crazy and I feel sad to see first my friend is getting so thin that her body sharp is almost like one of the dead models who went on the diet and just overdid it. The second thing is that 1 of my students is getting on a diet too. I asked for her weight and I checked it out...she wasn't even overweight, in fact, she was almost underweight...

I fear there will be more malnutrition cases and that's why I moved on and further discussed it.

fardel, my friend, there's always no harm in discussing the better way to lose weight without getting malnutrition. Education is the best prevention method. Yes these columns are funny, and we can still have a good laugh at the diets we have.

[pie sang]

I understand where Leo is coming from. Are women only prettier when they've lost weight? Aren't they all pretty simply because they are women?
And aren't men the most wonderful creatures on earth? Well, this may be from "the world as directed by Sam Mendes", but I was nodding when Kate Winslet uttered the line. Though, I was only nodding because I'm one of those...'brainwashed' by "without men, who'd be our mates?".

Last year, I lost 40 lbs. by consuming Diet Coca-Cola, soya milk, green tea, and energy drinks in massive amounts. I also took in stress in excess and lots of fishballs. I ate rice once a week and 'survived' on protein-rich food/s.The only exercise I had was from carrying heavy books, to and from my university and from typing my thesis. But I would make sure that I was able to get enough sleep and to drink lots of water.I slathered my face with Olay before going to sleep and treated myself with trips to the Spa. I didn't think of going to a doctor for an expert's assessment of whether I was malnourished or not. I felt lighter and found myself in need of new clothes.

It felt really good to say, " hello, ribs!" and " hello, hip bones...long time no see!".

But what kind of responses did I get? Earlier this year, all an Aunt could say was," You look better now. After you've shed pounds from your pudgy frame." I also got, " You're way too thin. Way too thin..." , from a guy.

I had to Google what a guy could mean by that. I have to admit that I found it quite ludicrous...me, having to Google what " you're way too thin" could mean. Since asking him directly about what he meant by it would've(most probably)just brought me his usual answer of " I was offering empathy." and this, as a reply, would've baffled me more.

I realized that it's not just media that influences how society takes to people who weigh more than the "average" do.

The manner by which I lost weight was not healthy, that's for sure. Lots of stress does tend to have that kind of effect on individuals who know that he or she should not turn to food when coping with his or her problems.
However, it (the unhealthy path towards the weight drop)did pave the way for the attainment of my better understanding of what I'd have to do
since I wasn't born with a fast metabolic rate.

There's no simpler way to put it...but it "sucks" when those close to you give you the sad faces and frowns when you're not a size 6 or a size 5. If the people who are supposed to love you, no matter what, manage to make you feel that you aren't lovely if you have cheeks, you aren't beautiful if you can't wear short dresses or you aren't able to flaunt delicate and toned arms because you can't don frocks with spaghetti straps...what more could you expect from those who aren't related to you?

Sometimes, in my case, it comes to the point wherein you find yourself so pressured by the desire to not gain weight or to look overweight, just to avoid having to encounter the disapproving.

Southeast Asia has all this food,food that not only looks delicious... and 'you' are here with this ridiculous thought, " I could always look at the food and be content with smelling the food in restaurants while effortlessly telling the waiter how I'll just be having the tea, the steamed vegetables, the diet coke and the tea... can't I?".

Wouldn't it be simpler if those with weight problems could just wear t-shirts saying," Chocolate is good for me and I have a great personality. Deal with it."? Something like this.

A friend once told me, " If you think you're fat, go to Texas. You'd be a size 4 there."

Tempting, but I don't want to go to Texas. I can make fun of Muslim terrorists, where I am, just fine.

MT (to wife): Sleep well, babe. Tomorrow, I will bring death to America. This is a promise. Goodnight.

Sorry. I couldn't help it.

That aside,maybe all the blame should go to the ape responsible for the first fat joke. Words that signify /fat/ and /slim/ shouldn't exist?

Personally, I know that I'd still want to avoid comments from my young college students. It's hardly ever nice to hear a young man asking his professor, " Ma'am, are you pregnant?" just because she has a tummy. Especially when that student knows fully that you're still a Miss and that you're just a few years older than he is.

Human nature is really something. It's improper to laugh at fat jokes and it's also improper to poke fun at the Olsen twin, for example. Now this makes me say that it's probably true that we all struggle with our weight. Humor is just one way to bring people closer by manner of laughing at ourselves and laughing with others. The laughter makes us feel better. It really does. That's why I still subscribe to this blog. :-)

And for those who don't want to be held "accountable by association"[like me] for a topic like this, being able to comment is enough. Reading what good strangers have to say is good. Laughing with good strangers, is even better. Definitely.

[fardel]

There will always be people to criticize what one looks like;
Being too skinny can be laughable and may be dangerous.
Being too fat too young is definitely dangerous ;it leads to heart problem and knee problems when one reaches the 40s.
For the rest it is just a matter of balance:eating balance, exercise balance, and mental balance.

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