Reject all rejections

By Nury Vittachi

*

A reader tells me he recently sent out 20 job application letters. He got seven rejections and 13 companies didn't reply.

His mother told him he was going about the process all wrong, and recommended positive visualization techniques. She told him to read The Secret, a bestseller all over the world, including in Asia. The book says that "the universe" will give you what you want if you want it badly enough.

Here's a quote from the book: "I would visualize a parking space exactly where I wanted it, and 95 per cent of the time it would be there for me and I would just pull straight in."

This is one of the most eye-opening books I've ever read. When you put it down, you cannot help but think: "Gosh, there is truly no limit to the awful rubbish people will buy."
*
I have a much easier technique for getting what you want. I call it the "Fake It Till You Make It" system. Simply act like you already are what you want to become. (I am a good columnist, I am a good columnist, I am a good columnist.) In the end, fantasy becomes reality. (Okay, gimme time.)

I told my jobless friend: The next time you get a rejection letter, simply reject the rejection, a technique that I believe was first used by one Chris Jensen in applying for a professorship some years ago. Here's a suggested template that anyone can use:
*
Dear Sir or Madam, this is to acknowledge that I have received the rejection letter that was posted to me on Thursday of last week.

                I gave your letter long and careful consideration. Unfortunately, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept it at this moment.

                You will understand, I am sure, that there are always a very large number of rejection letters in circulation at the turn of the year when bonuses are paid. Furthermore, the current economic climate has increased the number of "no vacancy" slips sent out.

                I myself appear to be particularly popular in this regard, having this year received many rejection letters from extremely impressive companies.

Clearly, I am unable to accept all of them. So while I thank you for sending it to me, I regretfully inform you that I have to reject it.

Please do not take this personally. There was nothing at all wrong with your letter. But it does not coincide with my particular needs at this time.

                In this regard, I will be starting work at your office on Monday morning of next week at 9 am precisely.

                I wish you every success in rejecting other candidates. Best of luck. See you on Monday!
*
Will sending out the letter above guarantee you a job? Well, the bosses who receive it can only react in one of three ways.

                1) They are so stupid they won't get it and will ignore it. Those are firms you wouldn't want to work for.

                2) They'll be so confused, they'll expect you to turn up on Monday, and they'll prepare a desk for you.

                3) They'll enjoy your sense of humor, thank you for the laugh, and contact you when a job needing a sharp mind becomes available.

                Such as mine, for example. Oops.

Comments

[Vivian Lau]

This is fantastic. It reminds me of what art lecturers used to say to us students - lateral thinking.

[Mike]

I'm in the midst of sending out cvs and am preparing for potential rejection. Now I have all the preperation I need, a sense of humor, a touch of sarcasm, and the confidence to know they are wrong.

[Nury]

Good luck, Mike. If it's any consolation, I notice that quite a few companies are hiring. I was talking to a businessman the other day, and he said that this was a great period for him. Depressed values have made his company super-busy investing in everything in sight. I hope one of the firms you are writing to has the same attitude.

As for lateral thinking, I think that smart companies DO react positively to funny, original people. Of course, not all companies are smart...

[Miriam]

Man that was awesome. One of the reasons why I take The Standard is for reading your colum and awake into laughs caused by your crazy creativity. Others look at me like "that early and already high on something? huh?"
My reverence

[karuna]

My reverence....

[Jes]

Hilarious.

[Miriam]

Chisin !

[KK]

cool

sham chak cheung skin

sham chak cheung collect skin mary ma

[writer]

I really enjoyed this column, are we allowed to post column ideas for you? if so should we put them in the comments area (here) or should we email them to you?
thanks so much

[Ajith]

Your views are great and out of the box. Where did you learn these stuff ?

[fardel]

I was young and foolish:
I believed I could achieve anything.I applied for a high level technical school.
I traveled 12 hours (and 12 hours back)to take the " selection exam"
There was written exam , and an oral exam .
I failed.
Following year I was back,same train same time, same kind of exam.
Oral question:
- Why are you here today?
- Because I failed the test last year
-What will you do if you fail this year?
- I shall be back next year and the next until I am accepted.

I was accepted , and joined the school.
It changed my life.
The first thing I asked was the reason for my previousrejection:
- we had a capacity for 18 students,
We had to decide between X and you for the selection;
you were 20 year old, he was 26 , the age limit for acceptance;
We gave him the preference, because we knew that you could be back.

Being accepted is like getting on a train, you may reach just after the closing of the door, or it may be full.
Wait for the next train and try again

This 20 year old kid came for advice:
He was a commercial pilot but could not find his first job.
- You father travels with this airline every week;
Drop your resume with this airline.
Each time you father travels , ask him to see the chief pilot to ask if there is an opening.
Within a year there was an opening.
He is now captain for a major airline in Europe

NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAM, NEVER GIVE UP ON YOURSELF.
I now receive resumes
The ones I first look at are the "different" ones
In your resume, be different, draw attention , show you are SPECIAL,and try again and again .

[Helen]

Fantastic. I plan on forwarding this one, thanks for the grin.

[Jonathan]

You are talking rubbish. I found you are ediot and most stupid person on earth.

[Jonathan]

You are talking rubbish. I think you are ideot and most stupid person on earth.

[Farah]

Thanks Nury and Fardel for the out-of-the-box respose. From now on instead of crying my heart out I would send the rejection letter, act smug and say 'ha..take that'!!

[Sai Janane]

I first read your column while reading The Sun; the Malaysian daily. I was stunned for the sarcasm and the out-ofthe-box way of thinking. The next minute I came looking forward to read this blog and I have always enjoyed it since then.Guess what i had an impression that you were a youth.Thumbs up!- SJ, 19

[Mr Jam]

Youth? Me? I guess I am a youth in an adult's body, in the sense that I have never grown up. But I can remember being 19 -- what an exciting time of life that is. Warning: I met my wife when I was 19: so big things can happen at young ages!

Ps. I had to laugh at the nasty person a few comments above this (the person who signed his name Jonathan). He says I am an idiot but spells it wrong "ediot". Then he has another go and spells it wrong again!! "Ideot"!!
Priceless.

[Pai Yg Soo]

Hope there is a continuation on the outcome of the reject rejection letter. What happens when the applicant turns up for work in the morning just suppose he does not receive any response to that letter.

Thanks.

[Gina]

Couldn't stop laughing while reading!!!

[Tara]

My friend said that The Secret was a good book so I asked my relative to get it me for Christmas but after I read about it on wikipedia and in book reviews i regretted asking for it.

I'd rather be a realistic pessimist than an optimistic idiot. Actually that is a lie but once you leave the realm of ignorant bliss it is hard to get back.