By Nury Vittachi
*
Okay, so you've lost your job, you're about to lose your home, your investments have vanished, your partner has left you, and the debt collectors have given you a week to live. Now, come on, gang, be honest: are these really reasons to be miserable?
We've all got problems. Look on the bright side. First, you have your health (for a week at least). Second, you have, um, ah, well, you have your health.
Personally, I am fed up of all the gloom in the opinion pages of the newspapers. There are actually a great many causes for celebration. So here they are.
*
Reasons to be cheerful:
*
1. Okay, so the war on terror hasn't been won, but the war against the environment is going extremely well, you gotta admit that.
*
2. According to yin-yang theory, if you get far enough behind, you end up in first place. Therefore we are all thriving or about to thrive.
*
3. Most people cannot afford heating any more, so all this global warming stuff we were panicking about like crazy last year now looks like a blessing in disguise.
*
4. Beer is now cheaper, litre for litre, than petrol. Do your bit to save the world by staying home and having another drink.
*
5. Now the world has descended into a state of misery, poverty and deep, trigger-happy mistrust, George W. Bush's work is done and he can leave the world stage.
*
6. Karaoke has almost entirely died out, and if anyone tries to revive the karaoke bar near my house, I will personally stamp it out forever, ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?
*
7. OJ Simpson is in jail. Unfortunately the lawyers who helped him get away with murder are still on the loose, but unlicensed vigilantes will get them with a bit of luck.
*
8. Time Inc sacked more than 600 journalists in 2008, but still managed to find US$15 million to pay for exclusive pictures of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's babies, so at least we know the media has its priorities right.
*
9. The melting of the north and south poles indicates that people in rundown, inner-city districts will soon have waterfront housing. How cool is that?
*
10. Despite what the papers say, I know several people who say their businesses are booming. Mind you, they're all insolvency accountants.
*
11. A guy with dark skin has taken over the most powerful, most globally influential platform in the world. But that's enough about me.
*
12. A machine called the large hadron collider was switched on and the world did not end. (Actually, I'm not sure if this is good news or bad.)
*
13. A large number of world records were broken at the Beijing Olympics, including Youngest Lip-Synching Fraudster.
*
14. But of course, there seems to be general agreement on what was the biggest story of the past 12 months.
Yes, an astonishing election win shook the world and made people realize that true democracy means anyone, of any race, colour, creed or level of animation can stand up and lead their community.
I am talking of course about the Voters in Romania who re-elected a dead man as Mayor. Neculai Ivascu died of liver disease, but the electorate didn't seem to mind. "I know he died, but I don’t want change," a voter said.
There's hope for all of us.
