Greeting cards for office workers

By Nury Vittachi

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The flow of holidays continues. Have you seen the huge choice of greeting cards now available for special purposes?

At a bookshop the other day, I found a card which said: "Happy Birthday to My Favourite Cousin". I bought the card, but since I have eight cousins, I asked the shopkeeper for seven other cards saying: "Happy Birthday to a Non-Favourite Cousin". Unfortunately all those were out of stock. Just my luck!
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I also found cards ranging from "Well done in your exams" to "You have a new baby"--useful for people who have given birth without noticing.
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There was also a card which said "You've passed your driving test!" I am thinking of buying one of those for my niece. It would be much cheaper than paying for driving lessons and she could show it to police officers who stop her on the road. "See? I got this card."
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The problem with all these cards, it seems to me, was that the language of the sentiments was simply too twee for modern workers, with the valentines' cards being the worst offenders. They’d be fine for a world of poets, but most of us toil in offices for a living.

                It IS possible to express love in a businesslike way. I recall reading a memorable marriage proposal between two financial types in a PG Wodehouse novel.

                "Do you like money?" he said.

                "I do," she replied.

                "Have mine," he said.

                That was it.
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It occurred to me that modern business people should have cards designed with special slogans just for them, so I jotted down some ideas, which I plan to send to the Hallmark card company.

                When you meet Mr or Ms Right: "My level of interest in you is above LIBOR."

When romance starts to blossom:  "You cause a rise of 40-plus basis points in my pulse rate."

When you anticipate that first kiss: "Rising indicators suggest my lips and yours are destined for a non-hostile merger."

When "like” turns to "lurrve": "Every time I see you my knees suffer unprecedented liquidity."

When it’s time for seduction: "Come up and see my pleasantly extensive portfolio some time."

When you’re ready for commitment: "I want you to classify my heart as a receivable."

When you get engaged: "Will you be my long term liability?"

When you get married: "For better or worse, till death us do part, you are my legally wedded hybrid annuity."

When you decide you want to hear the patter of tiny feet: "Darling, be the co-parent of my incubatees."

                Okay, so these slogans for financial types may be less flowery than the traditional messages, but I think there should be a place for non-sentimental greetings.

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But here's a warning. Always choose your words carefully. Don't just put the first thing that comes into your head. Here are some examples NOT to follow: 

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1) "Congratulations on your engagement. We all thought it would never happen."
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2) "Please accept our condolences on your bereavement. I told you he was ill."
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3) "Get well soon.  We're fed up of doing your job."
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4) "Congratulations on your pregnancy. We're dying to hear who the father is, if you know."

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Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get home to my wife/ managing director because if I am late home, I am liable to suffer what some might call "significant fallout risk".  

 

Comments

[Nicole]

Good Morning Everybody!

Just wanted to comment on what a good idea I think sending electronic greetings cards is! I was reading some journals earlier today, and so many people were giving e-cards a bad press, simply because they are not classed as the traditional method of sending someone a greeting! I had to argue against this person! I said that I knew that 'real' cards, (not only Christmas) but other festive holidays as well are the preferred choice for many people. However, my some of my uni friends started sending me fun e-cards, so that’s how I learned more about them.
I think e-cards are such a good way to help the environment, they save on paper, and if you choose a free site, you are saving on stamps too!! Lots of my friends sent them instead of Christmas cards this year! I have trawled through lots of e-card sites, and found a really good one called http://www.ecards.co.uk I found it really easy to use and the best thing is that it's free! Lots of different animal cards to choose from, and lots of funny ones too.
There is a lot of choice, and fun applications where you can load your own photos and add them to the card. (This is called Face It) I put one of my dad in there and sent it to him, he said it made him smile. You can load different photos of your friends into different cartoon characters! My favorite one is the cartoon of Elvis dancing!
Sorry if this seems like a bit of a rant, it's just that I got a bit annoyed with people saying that e-cards are a negative thing, when clearly they are a fantastic alternative!
Just wanted to share my thoughts!
Regards, Nicole.

[Rika]

Nury, I like your straight forward approach! Only today I was talking to my friend - well, actually ranting about our husbands.

We both agreed that if the phrase: 'You are my missing half' is uttered - be it on a card or otherwise - we silly cows would melt like butter in the sun. 'Ah..., see? He has a place for sentiment in his heart!'

Only later we realise that the missing half we represent is the one that doesn't know how to close drawer cabinets, do the dishes and dress the kids in time for school.

Would be so nice to have been proposed the offer: 'I bring the money, you deal with house and kids, when kids big enough you may work, too! Deal?'

At least then we could have had the option to consider becoming lesbian or stay single forever. #Did I mention that I love my husband to bits?#

Regarding e-cards: Yes, they usually are funnier than real ones and much more environmentally friendly. But people don't use cards to just communicate words. Cards give status. If you only get one Christmas card you are a truely sad bastard. The more cards and the bigger they are the more one can show off the worth one has within a community. In this respect cards are like a currency. E-cards can't be hanged on a rope along the wall and above the door.

I found this very odd when I moved to England, the Germans are not that crazy in this respect. But here this is a huge issue!

[Nury]

Hi, Rika, thanks for your comment. At dinner last night, some friends were talking about the marriage and stuff. It was quite depressing. The number of marriages which last is SO small. So it is wonderful to hear you say such nice things about your husband!

On the plane last week I watched the new Woody Allen movie "Vicky Christina Barcelona." It was an enjoyable movie, but the message stank. The message was all married couples are boring or miserable, the best thing to do is be free and have lots of affairs. It was such a shallow theme.

I wonder what Woody Allen's poor wife thought about it!

[Minkha]

E-cards are a great invention (especially for people like me who never have time to go to a post office), but nothing will replace a traditional, paper card...I recently got a postcard from my little sister who is studying in Vietnam this year. All she said was 'I know we are in touch on a daily basis, but I thought it would be nice to send you this. I'll love you forever.'I look at it every day and it brings a smile on my face.
I keep most of the postcards/letters I receive. It's so nice to read them every now and again. I guess I am sentimental.
E-cards usually expire after few weeks...

As for funny (paper) cards, I recently discovered a company called 'Violent Veg'. I think some of the readers may like the cards, too: http://www.testveg.co.uk/2.html
Have a look at the galleries!

Nury, I totally agree with you. 'Vicky Cristina Barcelona' was enjoyable, but that's about it. For me the film was a mixture between Woody Allen and Pedro Almodovar. I guess this might have been Allen's intention?
And sadly I haven't seen a movie with an inspiring message for quite a while...

[school_dubl]

Interesting site, always a new topic .. good luck in the new 2011. Happy New Year!

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